Tahnk you very much for all your suggestions. Actually Axia got changed back to her “normal” physical state after winning her freedom fight. Erin offered his help even though his father, Sfax, has ordered him to kill her. His reasoning (Sfax’s) is that after being changed back and released, she could be very destabilized and psychologically fragile to the point of rebelling against Erin (hence he has to kill her for self-defense) or commit suicide. Which in the end, equals to her death. Does that make more sense?
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Beyond The Dreams - Chapter 10
Axia blinked, eyes fixed on her hands. Her fingers felt like someone else’s. The needles had been removed, in their place, polished and perfectly manicured nails covered the tip of her fingers. Her eyes climbed up her arms. She moved a trembling hand to her forearms, touching her skin, smooth and soft, covering the place where the blades had been.
She was in this same laboratory she knew so well. Everything was familiar; all remained unchanged, except for herself. Malit was there, sitting on a stool a few feet in front of her, silent. He did not want to rush her through her reactions. They were alone and his presence reassured her in the mist of her incomprehension. She nodded, marking her wait. Malit explained to her.
#
She had trouble accepting his words. He had told her that her body was back to “normal”, back to its basic state. The genetic traits had not been removed but the physical changes that had been operated on her at her conception were now reversed. She wondered if that was what she was really meant to look like; it felt so strange to her. She was at the end of her training, having faced her last slave. That one fight was a new beginning for her, when it could also have been her end. She would leave the Community, leaving her Master behind. Malit would soon become a Master Researcher. The fight had also been a test of his abilities.
Doc#39 had been consulted and his daily psychological analysis had revealed Axia was a good candidate for reintroduction in the System as a citizen. Her killing nature was only triggered by training and necessity; she did not shelter an innate desire to kill or harm. Malit had made sure to emphasize that she could not divulge her past unless she wanted to be hunted by the System, and that meant being discredited and killed in the end.
The System was orderly, a well oiled machine. Any disruption or attack against it was strongly repressed; both by its governing body as by any common citizens who did not wish to have their world of desires and vices in jeopardy. Axia was now at the beginning of her own existence, her own life. She could act as she pleased; with no rule expect the common law. There was no need for her to fight for her life, to hide her emotions, to be controlled by anyone but her own consciousness.
She could have never imagined what was unfolding. She had always mapped out her life as an interminable succession of fights, one ending up being her last one, terminating her existence. There was a whole world, totally different from what she had always known out there. She was her own master from now on. She could let anything go through her and did not have to worry about whether it was right or wrong, whether it was slave-like or not. She was free.
#
She did not really know what had made her follow him, he was not just a man, he was a Precursor in training. Yes, he had intervened during her internal struggle, but, it was not a reason to put her life back in his hands, particularly during this fragile state she knew herself to be in. However, Malit had introduced them, calling him Erin. They both knew each other, their previous meeting still in memory, but had both acted as if this had been their first encounter. Only their look to each other had betrayed their shared secret. Malit had given her the choice. She was free now; it was her decision to take. He had told her who this was, Sfax’s son, and how he offered to help her through her re-insertion process. She did not really know him, but he had helped her in the past, and she would rather go through this journey with someone somewhat familiar rather than a complete stranger knowing nothing about her but though a data file.
She was not speaking as he was driving. Her eyes remained locked on the spectacle outside of the window, observing this world she knew nothing about, remembering Malit’s last words. She would never forget him, her only familiarity, and her previous anchor. She had been surprised about how much easier than she had thought it had been to walk away from him.
Erin had respected her silent, remaining quiet. She knew that part of her soul trusted him already even though her distrustful training dictated her not to. She knew he was tensed. He hid it well, but not well enough for a trained slave not to be able to break through his routine barriers. She did not know what role he would play in her future. Malit had told her that every rehabilitation was sponsored by a guide. That presence was meant to introduce a new norm, a known presence, slowly introducing the being to the new environment, until the freed could stand on its own, understanding the System, its place in it, no further supervision being required. He had also told her how fortunate she was. Most slaves were found to be psychologically unfit for reinsertion. They were then recycled through the arena’s system, used for training or other obscure purposes. Ultimately, it was under Malit’s initiative that she had been released. It was as a favor, a “welcome to your new position in the System” type of favor that allowed each Master to save one slave, if they revealed stable of course.
Her logic told her Erin’s initiative was more than strange, particularly knowing his status. If Malit trusted Erin enough to offer her, the one who had never made a choice about her own life, to decided whether to go with him or not. In the end, she did not really know what to think. She knew herself weakened, out of her element, away from everything she knew. She was scared, afraid of this world and of a life that was now her own. The only thing she could be sure of was her detachment from the path of death, the freedom to be herself, to act as her own essence told her, regardless of anything.
#
Erin was driving, which would have made his father frown. His status in the System made that simple fact all the more shocking. Precursors never lowered themselves to such petty tasks. Chauffeurs and automatic pilots were the norm, encouraging the notion of laziness supported by the omnipresent technology advocated by the System. However, his choice had been a conscious one, he was nervous and that busied his mind.
Axia remained silent and he was glad. He would not have known what to say. They both needed this adaptation time.
His conscious was heavy. He had a task to accomplish and he could no longer back up. It was unthinkable now. Axia reminded him of a trapped bird, confused, scared, not knowing what to do or where to turn. There was no physical cage around her. The invisible System had put her in this new existence, this new unknown world which now enveloped her. Considering her like an animal could have made it easier for him but he could not push himself to believe in this erroneous thought. He felt guilty. He was guilty. She sheltered consciousness, and even though she would probably not admit it, emotions. That drove him to believe that every slave had to have some scraps of a soul in the middle of their testimony of violence. Thinking that the populace believed them to be mindless beasts, and that even if they were faced with the truth, no citizen would ever act on it, made him sick. They would never raise a complaint, by fear of the System’s reprisals and by not wanting to shatter that life of vices and complaisance they enjoyed too much. They could never lose their judgment right on the arena, their unhealthy pleasure facing bloody fights, more fatal than not.
Beyond it all, Erin had something to do and he could not be any more aware of its implication as he sat there, driving silently.
#
The sharp, distinct steps; her back, long hair down to the small of her back; those were the last images of Axia who had left his future forever. Just like her, Malit would soon be starting a whole new life. He would no longer fulfill the position of a forming Master. He was leaving the Community to join the Universal Laboratories, with the task of researching. He would study, analyze and make up the best genetic and physical changes to be operated upon new races found during the conquest of the universe.
#
Axia did not know how much time had elapsed since their departure from the Community. Everything was a blurred in her mind, tears and incredulity. She had never had to think about time in the past, as everyone of her waking moments had been tightly planned. She did not really have any notion of time. She felt empty, out of her body in a way, her eyes seeing things she was not processing.
“We are almost there.”
The quiet of the indifference and shock broke. As a slave, there was only one thing to wait for: death. Today however, she was uncertain, ignorant, undefined.
“Here we are.” Erin said, opening the door in front of him.
She snapped to attention, only now grasping the fact that they were no longer in the transportation vehicle.
“Welcome to my home! You can sit on the sofa; I’ll be back in a few.” Erin exclaimed, his nonchalant tone sounded forced.
Robot-like, she walked towards the sitting bench that he had pointed out to her. She sat, back straight, waiting. Her eyes swept the room, detailing the furniture. She could guess each piece’s purpose even though most of it was unknown to her. In front of her was the door they had just gone through. It was closed now even though she had not closed it herself; to her right, floor to ceiling panes of glass, opening her view on an uncovered ground, blue sky above. Across from the window panes, to her left, another adjacent area with a table and chairs. She could see a hallway on her left; extending behind her that was where Erin had disappeared. It was strange to pronounce his name as until then, only Masters and slaves had peopled her world. She waited, for now.
#
He needed to calm down. He grabbed the chair from under his desk and sat heavily. His body was taken over by shakes. He let himself go against the back of the chair, closing his eyes. He knew the source of his body’s reaction: this slave. What was he thinking? Why had he gone to talk to her former Master and offer his help? Well, he had figured it would have made it easier to get to her rather than having to look for her after her release. He had made a mistake in the past. Recidivate was not an option; he had to accomplish his father’s wish. Was he ready to condemn those feelings? To sacrifice his humanity to keep his position? To forget his possible Juminex? He shook his head to an imaginary questioner. He stood. The trembling had subsided. He knew what he was supposed to do. The Mini Screen rang.
#
“I will kill her tomorrow….”
“…”
“Yes, an accident. The destabilization brought on by the liberation will be a good excuse…”
Erin heard the front door slam. Axia had left. He felt empty.
#
More than the rain flooding her body, the tears soiled her cheeks, twisting her features. Her hair, soaked locks, hang around her face. Axia did not know how she had gotten to where she was. It looked similar to what she had seen through the Communix as Erin had driven her to his home, to her planned death.
She was one of the only one on the street, alone among a few courageous souls running to get into some Communix as the other had found shelter into the multiple buildings, waiting for the end of the shower. But Axia kept on going, losing her thoughts on this world she knew cruel, empty of trust…as shallow and distrustful as the one she had been betrayed by. What had she expected? He was Sfax’s son after all. He had wanted to kill her, obviously by his father’s word. Sfax had not killed her in the arena, so he wanted her dead out here. Did he really think her that weak? She had faced death more than once. She knew how to fight for life…he did not know anything about that; he had never been in danger.
Something more insinuated in her, a feeling of strength. For the first time, her determination had come from herself, not imposed by any training. Her tears had died on her cheeks. The rain had stopped. Slowly, the streets filled up, people taking more and more room on the pavement. She made her way through the faceless crowd, simple shadows, quick moves, and multiple smells, no particularity, alone the moving mass…someone bumped against her and moved on…someone she would probably never meet again. She was looking at her feet, one step at a time against the asphalt; she progressed slowly against the current of bodies. What would they do if they only knew what she had been? Would they scream? As tempted as she was to have that satisfaction, she knew she would be banished if she said anything. Would it be that bad to be banished right now? Malit had been adamant though. No one could not she had been freed. Nobody knew, except for a few distinct positions within the System, the ex-slaves walked through the streets. Too many questions would have arisen from that simple fact, and the System did not like questions.
A stature stood in front of her. She did not say anything, keeping her eyes down, trying to go around the person…a hand grabbed her by the wrist…the gesture was not brutal, just strong enough to stop her…she looked up, stepped back, it was him.
#
“Father, she left. I…”
“Find her now! I will not take any more mistakes from you. Find her and kill her!”
#
Erin had not killed her and he would not, Sfax knew it. There was no room for hesitation in murder. Their talk had angered him. How could he let her escape?
He took his head in his hands, closed his eyes, massaging his temples…he knew he had just lost his descendant, the only way to perpetuate his genes. His wife may be able to conceive again, he would have to see…it still bothered him. He would have to start the process all over again, the education, the mental control…hoping that this time it would be successful. Sfax felt old all of a sudden.
He could not let that slave get away with it. She had brought his plan down and had spoiled his son. Moreover, she remained the permanent proof of the AIC Project. He had made a mistake saving her, a weakness from his youth. His son could not kill her…oh how weak he was. Such a waste. He would have to find some other ways, some infallible ways. But before killing her, he wanted her to suffer for making him worry so much. He would erase the stain she represented, even if it implied erasing other lives, his son’s included for as far as he was concerned, Erin had let him down for the last time.
#
The dirty water was swirling down in an endless spiral. Axia wiped the mirror when the steam twisted her face. She did not stop to look at her milkish features. She quickly put her long hair in a ponytail, making her way out of the washroom, following the voices. Hot cups sat in front of Malit and Erin. Another one had been edged in front of the only empty stool. In the heart of a discussion, they stopped in their talk as her shadow etched on the table. They turned to her as she sat, determination on her face. Malit’s presence was almost strange but he still felt familiar. Erin on the other hand, he would have some work to do.
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RavenJake reviewed Version 1 -
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The initial scene has a great effect. Imagining Axia’s previous circumstance gives it a mysterious feel. I almost wish that effect was elaborated on. The story is moving forward well enough. Here are a couple of points that will hopefully make it an even better chapter:
Her (fingers) felt like someone else’s. The needles had been removed, in their place, polished and perfectly manicured nails covered the tip of her (fingers).
Redundancy of language: fingers, fingers
Her eyes climbed up her arms. She moved a trembling hand to her forearms
arms, forearms
He had told her that her body was back to “normal”, back to its basic state. The genetic traits had not been
The passive is unnecessary when discussing the immediate past in a story that is past tense. ”He told her,” and the genetic traits “were not”
She was not speaking as he was driving.
“She didn’t speak while he drove.” Was not and was driving are passive.
There is quite a bit of passive voice. It would help to go back through with a search and hit every sentence that has passive words: had, was, began to, started to. If they aren’t necessary, then get rid of them and rewrite the sentence in an active voice. This will make your story more immediate and draw the reader in.
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oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Her eyes climbed up her arms…Her eyes focused on her arms. Climbed sounds a little strange.
She was in this same laboratory she knew so well…She knew the laborotary well.
reassured her in the mist of her incomprehension. reassured her amidst her incomprehension. ”Mist” is the wrong usage.
the physical changes that had been operated on her at her conception were now reversed….The physical changes the surgeon had made during her conception had been reversed. operated onher sounds awkward.
That one fight ..the last fight, maybe?
She would leave the Community, leaving her…She would quit the community, leaving her master behind. I found another word for “leave.” You used it twice.
She was not speaking as he was driving…She remained silent during the drive..
Erin was driving, which would have made his father frown…Erin’s father would have frowned had he seen him operating a vehicle.
He felt guilty. He was guilty…He allowed feelings of guilt to wash over him.
Beyond it all, Erin had something to do and he could not be any more aware of its implication as he sat there, driving silently….. Erin had something to do but was not sure how it would turn out..
Robot-like, she walked towards the sitting bench that he had pointed out to her. .. He should have pointed to the bench instead of the couch. I doubt she would know what the couch was…
He needed to calm down…Who are you talking about? Erin? Why would he want to kill her after she had the surgery to change her. Was this the reasoning for the surgery? To turn her into a human so that she could be killed?
How did Axia know Erin wanted to kill her? Could she read his mind? Isn’t her powers gone?
Father, she left. I…” “Find her now! who is speaking. Make this plainer.
The story is basically good. I made some suggestions how you might reword a few sentences. I got a little confused at who was speaking. And i don’t understand why the changed her into a human only to ant to kill her. It might just be that i am not reading close enough but i reread. Maybe you can clear these things up for me. I still have a fondness for the idea of this though. Axia walking in the rain root like was something very nice and visual. Sandi
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