Are you asking me those questions or are you wanting m to put them in the story? She was my teacher…
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Non-fiction / My Guardian Angel (used to be titled Happiness)
I looked at her smiling face,
once again.
We sang together,
once again.
You gave me everything I know, She's now a spirit,
oh- How I feel it,
With her golden wings, she comes to me,
Singing from the tree,
Singing from the tree,
She comes to me.
Keep your head up high she'd used to say.
Don't look down, I'm always here to stay.
I'll come back to you every day you'd say, one of them days,
You weren't there.
You stood out- you were everywhere, running through my head. I loved you like there was no tomorrow. With your golden locks, your big bright smile, you always showered me with love. Around you, I was me, I was not what they'd seen- my spirit would shine. Oh, I let it shine, you gave me that open-ness I commend you for it. My four years with you, I never would've took them back- cause now your gone. Now your gone, now your gone.
I moved through your room, it brought tears through my face, my angel wasn't there anymore. My angel wasn't there... I needed you. You made me smile. I needed you to take my hand and let me cry.
I remember our last day.
Now you're a spirit, how I feel it,
With your golden wings, you come to me,
Singing from the tree.
Singing from the tree.
Singing from the tree.
My guardian angel is up there watching out for me.
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necessary824 reviewed Version 2 -
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I like it. I’m not sure about the transistion between lyrical and prose. I think the change as it is right now is a little abrupt. What throws it off is that the prose is still very poetic – I think you should make it a little more narrative like – possible note the transistion through italics (use italics for all narrations)
I like the repetitiveness. I think you need to look at your punctuation again though.
For example:
You gave me everything I know, She’s now a spirit,
know. She’s
keep in mind where you finish thoughts – those should be periods.
Over all – very cool and definitely different from what I’ve seen you do before which is good – always good to challenge yourself.
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emmettrose19 reviewed Version 1 -
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that was really good. the only critisium i have is that the sentence, “she stood out was there.” makes no sence, and the comma in “Her gold, and just sometimes a shimmering blonde color, hair and small yet welcoming smile always made you feel comfortable.” sholud come after hair. otherwise, i really enjoyed it, good job!
necessary824 reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok – ready? You’re beyond the basic review – here comes the hard stuff to do :)
Tense….it’s a pain – but you have to match it. You start in present tense. i.e. I know it so well. It’s current – happening – we are in the moment. You switch to future – I would see her, and finally to past – I was me.
Some stories can work like that, but they are usually long peices. This is short. Idealistically, the ultimate goal is to write in present tense. You want your reader to be there. Feel it. Live in the moment.
Rewritten:
I see her. She stands out there. In this room, I am me.
Second thing – you switch POV – first to third – you feel comfortable is 3rd (well technically it’s 2nd, but I think you meant it as 3rd) I am me is first. Pick one. I’d suggest first. This is an intimate peice that expresses what you remember about someone. Go with the “I” ....a small, yet welcoming, smile always makes me feel comfortable.
There are some punctuation errors – but not bad ones, and I bet other reviewers catch them. I want you to work on the two biggies – these both go for academic and creative writing.
GreenIguana reviewed Version 1 -
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What I liked about this was I wasn’t sure where you were until the end, but then it made sense. The writing needs some revision. The punctuation is sometimes misplaced. Also I think you should drop the “yous” and just tell it in the first person. After all this is your reminiscence. I also think you should add some more concrete, specific details about the pictures and the instruments that would allow us to more clearly visualize them. The sentence “She stood out was there” appears to be garbled. Maybe just “she stood out” with her blonde hair? Not sure what you mean by “just a shimmering.” I think you meant sometimes her hair was golden blonde, and sometimes a more subtle color, perhaps sometimes it was a pale blonde? I liked the “small yet welcoming smile” I can visualize this. The sentence “and just make myself feel that special feeling to be beyond happiness.” is vague and wordy. Perhaps, “and feel a feeling beyond happiness” but what is beyond happiness? I think you need to add a word to describe what you mean here.
curlyq reviewed Version 1 -
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Dallas, first off- dont add so may writting criteria. It really turns reviwers off! I did it too at first. This story certanly needs a few more details to take it to THE LEVEL. “She stood out was there.” makes no sense. Did you mean She stood out when i was there? You need to remove the comma from ”... sometimes a shimmering blonde color,” i dont like the placement of it. It seems off. Also take away the – in “i know it- so well.” instead place a comma. “I could just move through that room.” seems to have no specific meaning either. Replace it with something along the lines of I felt whole in that room. This seems to have a formal attitude but the “This place, you know…” makes it seem very unformal and we, the readers, in fact, dont know. SO i advise to skip useing “you know” in non-fiction papers unless someone said it, and it is in quotations. Okay hoped i helped!
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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“just sometimes a shimmering blonde color, hair” this is awkward—you need to check your grammar.
I can hear what you’re trying to say, but this piece was short and you really could have done a better job proofing. It took away from something that might have conveyed your feelings very effectively.
CraziChick reviewed Version 1 -
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It was very descriptive and all, but doesn’t tell much of a story. Who is this girl? What room are you in? Why this perticular room? What instraments do you see, hear? Is she a teacheer? What is she preparing you for?
ladlamlag reviewed Version 1 -
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I would love to see where you go with this piece. There is one tiny bit of magic—it’s not overt, but it’s there: I like how you started and ended the piece with “this room.” Even structually, though you didn’t use the much-needed M-dash, it works well.
Concise, thoughtful vocabulary wll go a long way. Showing me (aka descriptions) will also go a long way, versus telling me (the age-old adage).
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