Thanks for the insight
Short Story / Retribution In Diamonds (Analysis)
Retribution In Diamonds
Sweat drips down Maku’s back like a broken faucet into the murky river. The water is eternally dirty from the digging and disturbance of shuffling feet. He holds an instrument in his hand he wishes was capable of stabbing the evil stream to death, but it is more likely to tease it into releasing its glistening secrets into his waiting sifter. Every other sift yields yet more kindling to the fire that he finds himself burning alive in. He can’t escape the blaze for fear of dying. The image of his children and wife forever scorched into the reflection of the diamonds he holds in his hand.
Maku looks up at a guard with disdain, lifting his shovel high in the air. With all his might he swings the tool. Slash! Hot acrid liquid covers his sweaty face; a gurgle and belching sound before the silence. Maku uses leverage to pull the heavy shovel of warm muck from the bed of the river he has just pierced. He drops his useless payload into a tainted silver sifting pan. He shakes the pan on the surface of the water, in a manner akin to wiping a blemish off his sons face with his thumb before he sets off to school in the morning. Light shines off of a spot in the muck that catches his eye. Instinctually he grabs for it, like a bird of prey using its talons to secure its crafty prey. He produces a walnut-sized frosty diamond and takes a moment to admire it. If only it was ice, to cool him off in this drowning heat. He feels as if he is drowning. The heat is a relentless wave pounding down his throat as he fights to reach a shore that is too far away.
Crack! Splash! Someone is kneeling on his back. Maku begins fighting and clawing with the river bed, trying to get leverage to push himself and the burden on his back up and out of the water. But the river bed is too soft, and his hands sink into the muck. Just as he feels his body begin to relax, and darkness roll over him, the imposing force grabs Maku’s hair and pulls his head out of the pungent water. Coughing up the missing river water, Maku looks down in despair. The man holds onto Maku’s hair as he drags him to shore. He throws Maku violently onto the
“What the hell do you think you are doing Maku? It’s bad enough for you that I know your name now. I’m sick and tired of you taking breaks. You’re useless. Do you know what happens to useless people?”
Maku sputters through the water he continues to cough up, “Yes sir”.
“Then why the hell did I see you staring at my diamond. You’re getting ideas. Ideas kill people.” Tabu stands up and looks around Maku in the sandy shore. He circles around Maku, and stops to stand over Maku. “Where is it Maku? Where’s my diamond?”
Maku stutters as he sits up, “Sa-sir, I don’t know uhh... I mu- I must of dropped it when you hit me.” Hrrack! Tabu slaps Maku violently back to the ground. Blood pulses from his temple in perfect rhythm with his speeding heart beat.
“Maku, this is it. I know you have my diamond. You have ten seconds to give it to me or I will kill you, just like I killed your wife, your son, and your daughter.”
Maku shouts, “I don’t have it Tabu; I dropped it.” Tabu’s lips curl in anger, and his eyes pierce Maku like the knife he begins to reach for. Maku looks down as if accepting his coming fate. He sees the sediment that collected in his pants when Tabu attempted to drown him. Among rocks and muck, he sees a gleam. The same sparkle he saw just before being attacked by Tabu. The diamond is there by his hand. Maku pulls the brilliant star from his pants and holds it in his hand as Tabu pulls the knife from its sheath. Tabu is too busy to notice the diamond in Maku’s hand. Maku cleans the diamond with his thumb and gazes into the other dimension trapped within the diamonds radiant shell. As always, he sees his family in the crystal lattice within the diamond. They will always be there inside that diamond, no matter how many times he cleans it. How could something as incredible as a diamond kill his family, and trap him in this inferno for so long? Maybe it was time to take shelter from the fire inside this impenetrable diamond. Maybe it was time to join his family in there.
Tabu puts his knife to Maku’s neck, but Maku shows no signs of resisting. Tabu moves to slit Maku’s throat, but… he can’t. Maku puts his left hand on Tabu’s right arm, halting its motion. Tabu looks down in utter disbelief at Maku. This man who has never resisted him before has raised his arm to stop him.
“How dare you, scum!”
But Maku screams back, “It’s your turn to burn in the fire”. Just then, Maku thrusts the diamond in his palm into Tabu’s eye. Tabu rears back as he stands up and lets out an unholy scream. Tabu falls to his knees as the blood diamond in his eye bleeds uncontrollably. He looks into the sky in horror as he drifts backwards and falls into the river; dead. Maku rises to his feet. The noise of hundreds of shouts and cheers from all around remind him of his wedding day as armed guards circle around him in
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JohnCuando reviewed Version 1 -
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brainfreeze reviewed Version 1 -
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When someone is being addressed in quotes, always put a comma before the name (‘Where’s the diamond Maku’ should be ‘Where’s the diamond, Maku’).
Perhaps you could provide a brief background on Tabu—give your audience the memories that brought on the madness. You could also talk more about Maku’s family. Discuss how and why they were murdered.
Overall, I like how your story delves into the relevant issue of the blood-diamond trade in Africa (I forgot which country).
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Persephone reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting. I’m a bit lost; nonetheless, I like your diction—especially your description of “lattice within the diamond” and a “manner akin to wiping a blemish off his sons face with his thumb before he sets off to school in the morning.” These details give your piece life.
rollingbolus reviewed Version 1 -
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sons face --- son’s face
Instinctually --- Instinctively
drowning heat. He feels as if he is drowning --- repetitive, consider changing the first ‘drowning’ to ‘overwhelming’ or something similar
clawing with --- at
He throws Maku --- could change ‘Maku’ to ‘him’ as you’ve repeated his name 4 times in the surrounding sentences
slowly is returns --- omit ‘is’
through the reflection --- in the reflection
How could something as incredible as a diamond kill his family --- I don’t know if ‘incredible’ is the right word in this instance. If something is incredible then surely whatever it was able to do wouldn’t need much explanation. Is he wondering how something as small as a diamond could kill a whole family?
he drifts backwards --- topples/sways?
You’re not crazy, it’s pretty good, and with some polishing it could be very good. You need to repeat Maku’s name less, as there are parts of this where you write it in almost every line. The dialogue is mainly good, but I’m not that keen on Tabu simply stating the fact that he was responsible for the death of Maku’s family. I guess Maku already knows this? But if he doesn’t then would his first reaction be resignation? Maybe not. Maybe he would feel resignation first and then anger after knowing who killed his wife and children. I think you should play around with this, and also make the ending a bit more gruesome. At the moment you say the diamond begins to bleed in his eye, he falls backwards, dead. This is too quick, might be a good idea to linger at this point and describe his death in more detail.
good luck working on this
Bo reviewed Version 1 -
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Good story. I’m not sure if you have written other parts and this is a chapter. Your dialogue is clear and believable. You leave the reader wanting to know what’s next for Maku. Great descriptive languarge and easy to see the events unfolding. Grammar, punctuation all good. Great job
Hoffmane21 reviewed Version 1 -
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He shakes the pan on the surface of the water, in a manner akin to wiping a blemish off his sons face with his thumb before he sets off to school in the morning. -This description here confuses me. How do you shake something like you’d wipe a face? I can’t picture it so it looks blank to me. Maybe try a rework to get the description off clearer.
He circles around Maku, and stops to stand over Maku -Just say stands over him. Using his name twice sounds a bit redundant. We know who he is standing over.
The diamond in the eye kills him? I like where you are going and I appreciate that Maku finally did what he needed to do, but try reworking the last scene. I don’t see a diamond in the eye killing somebody unless after he does it, while Tabu is still shocked, he grabs the knife and finishes hom off. It would feel more realistic to me.
The only other point I was hoping to see more clearly was when you say he goes to slit Maku’s neck but he can’t. Why can’t he? Elaborate on this.
Good story line, I hope you continue on with it. I’d love to see maku get away and make a better life for himself. The last sentence got cutt off, if that was the last one. Maybe urbis, I know it like to be weird sometimes.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Sweat drips down Maku’s back like a broken faucet into the murky river. I see what you are trying to do here and i appreciate it; however, if you use symbolism you must use it correctly. The”broken faucet and river” really isn’t a good juxtaposition. Sweat trickled down Maku’s back like raindrops on a window pane. This give the readers a visual.
Don’t people pan for gold in the streams? They don’t dig it with a shovel. You might do a little research on how it’s done.
Well i like the plot. I think you picked something interesting to write about. You might need to research diamond mining a little bit before you write about it. Watch how you use your metaphors. Make sure they compliment each other. Here are some complimentary metaphors: Dry as dust, hard as brick, soft as feathers…etc. Keep writing. Sandi
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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There is some beautiful description here. Combine that with the sharp, quick, and concise pacing, and this promises to be a solid piece.
The climax is a little lacking however. The reader needs to see more of Maku’s feelings of hatred, rage, and fear toward Tabu. As it stands right now, it feels a little anticlimactic for Tabu to almost kill him but doesn’t for reasons unspecified. Let the emotions boil, and when Tabu goes for the kill, draw out the fight. Since Maku sees his family in the diamond, and Tabu killed his family, then it makes PERFECT sense from a thematic standpoint for Maku to use the diamond as a weapon initially. Have him throw it at Tabu, causing him to stagger, and then have the two fight over the knife a bit before the final deathblow. That would give this story the perfect amount of action and emotional payoff that it currently lacks.
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