Poetry / "The Vampire And The Witch" (Analysis)

It is quite good. I like how it captures you the moment you start reading. That is what any good story should do. Although grammar isn’t as important in poetry as in other areas there are only a couple of suggestions. Endlessness might work better than endless. “Burn the witch and the Succubus,
I’m burning inside!” Seems to flout in out of nowhere. I don’t think you should get rid of it but I do think you should add too it, get it to relate with the stanza above or below it, preferably both. “For what but compassion” flouts too. Towards the middle the lines seem to muddle together. I think you should force people to stop and pay attention by adding more periods as pauses. “Body like a river. Flavor of your sentiment.” As though the flavor line were an after thought that the Vampire almost says to himself. I was a member of the editing board for the schools literary magazine and I definitely think a poem like this would have made it into the final cut! Beautiful work.

• add/view comments (1)

July 31, 2009

by AlexanderArciel

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
15	25.0% (4 votes)	52.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	M	Puerto Rico	September 08

Burn the witch and the Succubus,
I’m burning inside!

What I meant with that is
that after they had sex
he fell in love. The witch is
the one that he met phisically,
the succubus the one that haunts him
in his “Dreams.” Should I change it, remove it or place it somewhere else?

-—---—---—-

To embrace the sins and desires,
Just a breath for the curse.
This is the Curse:
Not blind for the beauty,
not deaf for the sirens chant.

Dispel my endlessness,
the full moon stands bright,
Compel the curse!
I can see the stars…
(He Fell In Love)

For what but compassion!?

What I Mean With This Is
That He’s Not Accepting Love,
And What He’s Doing Or Feeling
Is Just Compassion. Should I Change It?

-—---—--

May the roses disguise the wine,
the blood that comes down your
body like a river,
flavor of your sentiments,
for it comes from the deepest
abyss of your heart.

He bit the witch,
the flavor of her blood
makes him taste her feelings.

If anything can be changed,
give me tips :)

Thanks A Lot Peppermint ;)

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

it sounds like the vampire and the witch are being portrayed as very similar to each other.