Poetry / Relocations

1st-
2nd-
You are describing to me this “flat” that was once full of life, a relationship that broke up
and devision of household items.

3rd-The items were all damaged.

4th-Now you are painting away all of the memories.

5th-
6th-((parenthesis))
I’m having a hard time with “them” seems like I can’t figure out who “them” is.

7th-Red (showing) the hell you’ve been through, Rose-love, and Blue-empathy.

8th-The end of the relationship “the ball dropped” without any sugar coating or warning.  The relationship was false “it was all a lie” and it was really bothering you inside.

9th-I like “our fractured bodies flopping still”, tells me you will both move on.

10th-”the bottles dripped their sweat”, this image is confusing, and who is “their”?

11th-My favourite line “I saw your breath, tasted flakes of pure, imagined snow”. This lets me know you are beginning to relax with the whole idea. You see all of the good parts.

12th-You may never fully understand this.

13th-You are putting up a good front.

14th-Now the comparison begins to the moon and the stars.

15th-I’m glad you didn’t use the word “celestial”. “burn”=pain,      ”ceasless” the relationship was going nowhere.

16th-Never wanting anyone else.

17th-Still thinking about the relationship.

18th- Everthing is starting to make sense now.

19th-You can remember the last words from this person, confirming that the relationship was going nowhere.

You have alot of depth, inspiring.

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March 05, 2006

by J_Dyson

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41	100.0% (13 votes)	50.0%

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30	M	United States	March 17

Thanks Lisa, “the bottles dripped their sweat” is just an image to add context. This is taking place in the summer when heat causes the bottles they drink from at the end of the day to sweat, yet everything still feels cold and false surrounding the separation. There must be feelings they both have, but they deny them. Otherwise your interpretation was pretty right on. Thanks for the critique. It’s good to know what’s coming off the page right and what isn’t.

March 06, 2006

by lisachadethan

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Well, that completely makes sense.  Sort of like condensation.  This poem was great, I really likes it!

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You have a very unique way of saying quite a bit with simple language. The more I read your writing, the more I can appreciate it {in an earlier review, I suggested better visuals and so on}. When I look at this piece, though, I really don’t want to change anything about it. You say more in your two, three, or four word lines than some writers do in entire stanzas, paragraphs, and dare I say, entire pieces. A few things struck me in particular. I instantly fell in love with “Picayune moon” and the following lines of waxing and waning. Another image I found particularly engaging was in section ii., when you referred to fractured bodies flopping. Having been around and broken a few bones and seen others dislocate limbs, I could perfectly envision this.

I want to try and leave some form of constructive criticism, though I also don’t want to sound pretentious. I suppose you could try delving deeper into the images you used, but it’s great the way it is. Bene. Oh, and I’d give it a ten, but my zero key is busted. A 9 will have to do.

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March 01, 2006

by J_Dyson

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Javaverses: Thanks for pointing out the “I” narrator. I failed to even notice that. I’m not very happy with stanzas 2-4, so I’ll take a look at the narrator when I work on that. I like your suggestion for the paint-sticky part as well. In the second stanza, I’m sort of torn. I feel it really portrays the falseness I was hoping for. And though the end rhymes are predictable, I tried to do something in mid-line and images to compensate. I’ll keep it in mind though.

Big Boss: Thank you for the near ten. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

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You have three movements here that can stand alone, although I see the common thread they have that allows them to act as a single work also. It seems you are talking about both an ended relationship and your relationship with the sky or space (for the lack of a better way to describe it). One thing that throws me off a little is that the “I� is completely removed from the 1st movement, and ever present in the 2nd & 3rd. With each movement alone it’s not a problem, but together it distances the 1st from the 2nd & 3rd.

The first movement …

In the 4th stanza, the 2nd line is confusing. “Paint-stickyâ€? (which by the way I love the image there) brings to mind something being caught or almost attracted to the walls, but then you call them naked. Naked to me implies emptiness, exposure, as though something essential has been removed or revealed. Naked seems to work for the beginning tone of the piece and I am guessing that you are trying to use the paint to show how the past is being covered up. If that is the case then I would suggest modifying this portion of the poem to convey that idea, maybe something like …

Horizons floods upon the
naked walls, now paint-sticky

they catch our sighs
and wasted breath,

giving them back
to us again and again in

waves of ironic red
and rose and finally
crowning royal blue.

I wasn’t as fond of the 2nd movement. There is some nice alliteration and ties neatly into the 3rd movement, however the rhyme seemed predictable, out of character and unnecessary for the seriousness of the poem. I would like to see the rhyme abandoned and a stronger tie in to the first movement with this one.

3rd movement – I really dig the last two lines, it not only sums everything up, but it also completes the circle bringing us back to the beginning and the title.

Overall it is a little too abstract at times, but it has some great imagery and alliteration. A very interesting and thought provoking piece.