Oh Fatima,
The apple of your father’s eye,
Whose cool shade I now bade,
Hear my prayer, my supplication.
Everyone knows your fruit.
Let me be as fruitful,
Let me be as loved.
My roots need nourishment,
My soul is thirsty,
Send to me an Ali.
Give me your peaceful patience.
Give me a woman’s modesty,
A mother’s contentment.
Bring me into my season.
Let my nectar allure the bee,
The one you have for me.
Then let me bear for him,
With strong limbs,
Children!
Until I am know as you,
By my sweet and wonderful fruit,
Oh Fatima, the apple of your father’s eye,
Nourish me.
End
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I really like this poem alot. I have written my own spiritual poems and what interest me the most about reading all diferent kinds is how they describe a spiritual moment. The tree and fruit were a powerful example. Not to seem cheesy but it was natural like a extension of earth. I liked it because it made the experience more believable and more authentic. I wouldnt change to much or really anything about thise piece. The style is perfect and fits the main idea perfectly.Thank you for letting me review your piece.Please check out my poetry
Thank you
Patrick Shawver
I can’t critique Islam because I’m no expert either but you do a very nice job creating images in your three-line verses and the prayer is very touching. In fact, it is very reminiscent of the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi, “Oh God make me an instrument of Thy peace”. Also beautiful.
The structure of the poem is interesting but it bothers me a little inasmuch as you “book-end” the work with four-line verses that repeat the appeal “Oh Fatima”. I like that but I also encounter flaws or weaknesses in both. In the first quatrain, line 3 “Whose cool shade I now bade” seems out of place and vague. I don’t know what the appeal is and the line lends itself to many interpretations. ”Cool shade” as in a spiritual oasis? Or a cool ghost? That is “bade” to do what? Multiple meanings are usually strengths in poetry but here I think it stalls the movement. Maybe I’m just tired.
The final quatrain, the first line is the problem “Until I am know as you” should be “known” but like the “shade” line, it pulls me up and causes me to think about what you’re saying and it doesn’t lend itself to the easy movement I find in the rest of the poem.
Which brings me to the five tercets sandwiched between the quatrains. They are excellent. Self-contained, immediately accessible, and moving. I think what a wonderful prayer for a woman to make. Good job. Be proud of it.
A well-writted poem touching on God, religion, becoming a better person, a better father, plus the wants and desires of the typical man nearing the end of his life.
One line perplexed me however:
“Until I am know as you,”
Not sure what this is supposed to convey, or it is perhaps just a typo of sorts, honestly, I was struggling to find the pace in this poem, then that particular line threw me off for the final three lines or so.
this is more of a prayer than a poem it seems. and without any dense knowledge of islam, the reader can’t make heads or tails of this. i know i couldnt. but thats just my opinion. im sure it makes sense to someone of islamic faith though.
I must admit that I do not have much knowledge on the subject matter, however you still made several images very clear and understandable. The image of a woman looking up to this historical figure, and wanting, praying almost to be very much like her, and be the kind of wife this figure represents.
I liked it, and I hope this helps!
Jason
I don’t know what to say, it’s just cute I guess. it looks like every other religion or faith or whatever you want to call it, asking for nourishment or gifts of healthy children seem pretty religious and obsessive. At least though it inspired you to write, and I’m not going to criticize your religion, I just don’t like religion in general because people are so kooky about it. Makes them seem bonkers in my opinion.
So I look at this as fiction, while it probably really is some kind of cute prayer. As a poem it flowed, what you expressed seems completely crazy to me. It’s a nice poem, cute, and how to improve? I don’t think it should be improved it’s fine the way it is. I just hope you don’t have hundreds of other poems that express the same thing.
This is a beautifully written piece—it seems almost more like a prayer than a poem. It by no means diminishes the effect.
I would suggest a few punctuation corrections: in stanza 4, having the period at the end of the first line interrupts the flow. A semi-colon would work well at the end of the following line. In stanza 5, the same period usage disrupts the flow; changing it into a comma allows the words to flow and the tempo changes with it.
Overall, very enjoyable.
good peice. seems to have a decent amount of emotion here. it lends to your imagery and you passion for the piece as you wrote it.
First:
Until I am know as you,
I’m sure you mean: “known as you”. If not, I’m not quite positive as to what you’re trying to say.
Second:
You use “fruit” so much, and though at the beginning it works nicely through repetition, after a certain point, the word starts tiring out. I think you should take advantage of your rich source of descriptive comparisons and instead find other interpretations of fruit. Ultimately, you’ll still be saying the same thing, only that it’ll portray your voice much more delicately and wise.
I feel at a lost with your poem, unfortunately; mainly because it requires an understanding of the feelings and moral of your faith. Yet, I suppose it does provide interest in finding more about it.
Good luck, nonetheless.
I myself enjoy writing poetry and i liked the overall flow of your poem!
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