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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Guiding Angel (Analysis)
Guiding Angel
By: Maggie Martin
Chapter 1~ Accidents
When I was growing up, I was always the good kid. I was always the one that other parents would look at and wonder what my parents did to create such a perfect child. My GPA was never below 4.0, and my permanent record was completely flawless.
Church was a weekly must for my very catholic family. Every Sunday, the Asher family was sitting at the primary spot in the front row. Father Gibbons came over to our home on a regular basis while my mom would make her award winning casserole.
My best friend, Kristin, was always subject to make fun of me and how well I did in school. While I found school serious business, Kristin thought of it as a time to flirt and drink. In reality, we were complete opposites. The only reason we had ever met was because our names were reversed. (We had to do one of those ‘get to know you’ games in elementary school, and we figured out that her middle name was my first and vice versa. We thought that we were cool hanging out together after our little discovery.)
She practically begged me to come to parties with her almost every weekend. I always had homework or was too tired to go. She never bought it.
“Come on, Nicole, I know for a fact that Zachary McLaughlin will be there,” she said eagerly in my bedroom. She was situated over on my beanbag chair. It’s light green canvas matched my spotless room’s green theme, and was made out of the same fabric that my bedspread was made out of. The drapes hung orderly around the closed windows, and I sat at the small desk on the opposite side of the room, my nose buried into my computer. The ceiling fan was on lightly despite the snow on the ground. The sound of the fan helped me study.
“Tempting,” I said, “But no bite. I really have to get this paper done.”
“You always have a paper to do,” said Kristin throwing a small green pillow at my head, “Have a little fun!”
“Fun doesn’t get me into college,” I said setting the pillow down on the floor.
“We have all of this year and next year to think about that stuff. One night! Please, that’s all I’m asking for,” she said standing up.
“Whining doesn’t help,” I said.
“I could throw in a makeover! Nicole, do you know how pretty you could be if you actually wore those contacts and you did something with your hair?” asked Kristin.
I looked over to the mirror next to me on the wall. My mousy brown hair was pulled up into a ponytail, and my thick glasses rode down on my nose. I was wearing my comfy sweat pants than I only wore while I was at home and not planning to go out again.
“I don’t mind the way I look. You’re just making a big deal out of nothing,” I said.
Kristin looked around the room for a moment, “I’ll give you anything you want. It could be the only party you go to it the history of parties. I think you might even enjoy yourself.”
“Anything I want, huh?” I mused. I thought of the endless possibilities of things I could ask for, but she interrupted me.
“But nothing too expensive,” she added.
“I would never take advantage of you like that,” I said sarcastically. She didn’t reply for a moment, so I figured she was still waiting for my answer. The clock on my desk was reading eight-thirty p.m., “Do you think it’s a little late?”
“You’re a prude. Eight-thirty is early for party time,” she said.
I paused for a second, then said, “I don’t even know where it is.”
“Oh. My. Gosh. You’re seriously considering it!” said Kristin, “It’s down at Casey White’s house tonight. Her parents are out of town.”
“No parental supervision?” I asked raising an eyebrow.
“Prude,” she repeated under her breath. She started working on my hair first. She grabbed a brush from my bathroom, and brought a curling iron with her. After she brushed my hair, (with much opposition on my part), she curled each thin strand. It now seemed to resemble having some volume, and the way it framed my face was an improvement from the up do.
Kristin made me go into my bathroom and put in the contacts (or torture devices) to bring out the, quote, ‘beauty of my eyes’. How could contacts make my already boring brown eyes anything more exciting than they were with my glasses on?
I put them in reluctantly and sat down for more torture. She grabbed makeup from her purse and made up my face. The heavy foundation felt like heavy paint smeared all over my face, and I knew that I was going to break out later. My fair complexion couldn’t ever take much of the makeup she had already forced upon me.
“Ta Da!” she said positioning my body so I faced the mirror again. Really, I didn’t look half bad. You could tell that Kristin was proud of her handiwork. Kristin’s dark russet curls bounced as she inspected my hair, and her green eyes lit up when she saw me smile at myself. I had to do something into the mirror to make sure the girl starring back at me was really myself.
Kristin chose my outfit gladly, rummaging messily through my organized closet. She pulled out my dark skinny jeans that I only wore once (to Kristin’s birthday party at least two years ago), a low cut shirt (sparkly no less) that Kristin had gotten me for my birthday.
“Your shoe selection sucks,” she said looking at my shoe holder on the floor of my closet.
“It’s all that I’ve got,” I said. She threw the pants and shirt at me, and I started heading to my bathroom.
“Do I even need to say prude again?” she asked eyeing me at the door.
“Just look away,” I said. Kristin laughed, but did as I said.
“Don’t mess up your hair,” she said, still looking at my shoes.
I changed into my clothes quickly, and figured out something that I hadn’t ever noticed before. Sequins were itchy. I pulled on the sparkly green top, where the sequins were scratching my overly exposed neck.
“Don’t mess with it,” she said pulling on my hand. She had a pair of shoes in her hands, and she set them down in front of me, “They’re plain, but I don’t think anyone will be looking at your feet.”
“I will be,” I mumbled.
“Don’t be such a downer! You’re going to have fun, even if it kills you!” she said. I laughed with her.
“If I spontaneously combust, you’ll know why,” I said with a smile on my face. Kristin and I went down the stairs and into my kitchen. My parents were both in the living room watching some sort of special on the history channel.
“Mom?” I asked. She turned around, took one look at me, and I watched her eyes bug out of her head.
“Y-yes, dear?” she stammered.
“I was wondering if it would be alright if I went to a get-together tonight with Kristin,” I said.
“Where will this,” she paused, “Get-together be at?”
“At a girl named Casey White’s house,” I said.
“Is she a friend of yours?” she asked. I had seen Casey at school before, but we had never actually spoken. My mother didn’t need to know that little detail.
“Yes, we’re in Trig. together,” I said.
“Oh, so she’s smart like you?” she asked smiling. My father sat staring at the television the whole time. He was usually the parent that sat back and let the other one do the parenting. Or maybe he was still in shock that I was wearing sequins and makeup.
“Yes, mom. We’re going to be late if we don’t go,” I said.
“And Kristin will stay with you the whole time?” she asked.
“Yes, Mrs. Asher. We’ll stick together,” said Kristin reassuringly.
“Alright, Nicole. You’re free to go. Just remember that you have a curfew,” she said.
“I know, Mom. I won’t be home late,” I said.
Kristin and I headed out to my car, and I sat in the drivers seat. At least my mom didn’t know much about Kristin’s new taking to drinking.
“What street is this on?” I asked her. She started blasting the music and dancing in the car.
“What?” she asked over the loud music.
“Where does Casey live?” I asked in a louder voice.
“Over on Maple!” she yelled. I drove on the interstate for a while, then turned off to the intersection where all of the extremely rich kids lived. In the Sunny Oaks development, all of the streets were named as a type of tree. Maple turned off of Willow, and I followed the signs. Kristin happened to live on Palm street, which was about three blocks away from Maple.
Kristin and I decided that we would park in her driveway, and then walk over to Casey’s house. When we drove past the busy street, we were both glad that Kristin lived this close.
I turned on to Palm, and we pulled into Kristin’s long driveway. Her house was elegant, and modern. The whole development’s contractor had been famous in New York, and moved to the suburbs of North Carolina for the new money he would be making. No one could pass up a gorgeous house built by Mark Hammond.
Kristin’s neighbors seemed to have the same idea that we had. Kids that were our age were all walking towards Maple street to go to the (Kristin’s quote) ‘party of the year.’
“Are you excited?” asked Kristin eagerly.
“Sure,” I replied.
“Could you please just to pretend to be? For me at least?” she asked.
“I am excited, Kristin,” I tried. She could tell I was lying, but I added a fake smile to somehow seem more sincere.
“Don’t forget, Zach McLaughlin will be here. Now’s the time to turn up the charm,” she said.
“Charm? Am I capable of charm?” I asked.
She laughed, but I was really being serious. Was I ready for this leap in social status?
We walked up to the front door, and another student let us inside. Kristin found some of her other friends standing by the opposite wall, and she dragged me towards them.
“Olivia! Hey!” she shouted over the music, and then looked back at me, “Do you think you’ll be alright for a little while? I really need to talk to her about something important.” I saw the beer in the cup Olivia was holding, but I didn’t try to fight Kristin. If I would have contradicted her about her problem, she would’ve gotten mad at me.
“Sure,” I yelled back, “I’ll be fine.” The music was loud in my ears, and others around me were dancing together while I was standing alone in the middle of the floor. The song had good base, so I bobbing my head and moving my arms to the music. There were two girls that laughed at me as they passed by, so I quickly stopped my dancing.
“Do I know you?” slurred someone from behind me. I turned around to see Zachary McLaughlin completely wasted in front of me. When he spoke, I could smell the beer on his breath, but I put a smile on. Maybe it would be easier to talk to him while he was drunk.
“I think so,” I said, “My name is Nicole Asher.”
“Nicole?” he slurred again, “I know you. You look different. Pretty. Very, very pretty.” His pupils were completely dilated, and I wondered if that was what he was actually thinking or what the beer was thinking for him.
“Thank you, Zachary,” I said.
“No,” he said shaking his head, “Zach,” he said emphasizing on the k sound at the end.
“You look…” I started looking over his messy clothes and hair, “Nice too, Zach.”
“Muchas Gracias!” he yelled right as the music stopped. Everyone looked over at him and laughed, but as the music started again, they all went back to dancing.
“So,” I started, “How’s, uh, football going?” I asked. The conversation went on pointlessly when I would get answers such as ’awesome!’ and low belches.
“I’m sleepy,” he finally said.
“Would you like me to drive you home?” I asked.
“Definitely,” he said. He threw his arm around my shoulder, and I headed towards Kristin.
“I’m going to take him home,” I said, “I’ll come back to get you soon.”
“Kay!” she yelled. She started dancing around with the other girls around her, and I made my quick exit with Zach in tow.
“Where’s your car?” he complained by the second block.
“We’re almost there, just be patient,” I told him. When we got to my car, I sat him in the front seat and climbed into the driver’s seat.
I pulled out from the development and headed back towards the interstate. I knew relatively where he lived, and I wondered if that would be considered stalker-ish.
I drove smoothly down the interstate and listened to the sound of the street as we passed. Zach had been mostly quiet, then he reached over and kissed me, and the car started to swerve, but I gained control again of the wheel.
“Zach! Stop! I almost went onto the other side of the road!” I said.
“I know you want me,” he said. He reached back over, but this time I was able to keep one hand firmly on the steering wheel and push him aside with the other.
“Not right now, I don’t,” I said firmly. We went further, and he was silent. Then he started in on another tangent.
“I wanna play!” he said reaching for the steering wheel causing the car, to swerve severely, but I grabbed hold of it again.
“Stop it, Zach!” I yelled.
“I wanna PLAY!” he yelled. This time he hit the wheel so hard that we spun across the meridian separating the two sides of traffic, and were now on the wrong side. The car couldn’t see us coming, and I didn’t even have time to mentally prepare myself for what was coming next.
The car hit my side with a hard crunching sound. The only thing I can remember was seeing the headlights coming at me, then complete black. While I was in the black, there was nothing I could think about, worry about, care about. No one else was here in the black, it was just me secluded from the rest of the world.
After the black came the floating. I didn’t know where it was taking me, but it didn’t seem bad. At this point I didn’t know what was up or down, right or left. The world had slipped from my grasp and I couldn’t bring myself to wake up from this dream that I seemed to be having.
I floated into the grey where everything started making sense. My brain started to work, but not the way it normally did. I could hear my heart beating inside my head. It was annoying and constant, no matter how hard I tried to rid myself of it’s annoyance.
I didn’t make much of what had happened, and quite frankly, I was already forgetting about the accident that had only happened moments ago. In the distance of the grey I saw a figure immerging from its seams. It came closer and closer to me, and I squinted, trying to make out what it was.
“Nicole,” it said, “I’ve been expecting you.”
Chapter 2~ Transformation
By now, my brain was completely fried. I didn’t think too much about how the figure knew my name or how it knew that I was going to die today. It took even a few moments for the words to form in my head. I imagine I was staring blankly into the space provided in front of me.
“I’m sorry, kid, I know it’s disorienting,” said the figure again. It had a feminine voice, and as it approached me, it had the figure of a women. When she came more easily into focus, I could see that she was wearing a dark brown skirt with a plain white blouse on top. The skirt touched the floor, and the blouse covered her full arms. Her blonde hair was pulled delicately into a tight knot at the nape of her neck, and a broach was fastened onto the top brim of her blouse.
This women looked like she had just walked out of a Laura Ingles Wilder’s Little House on the Prairie novel. She saw my shocked face, and laughed a little. “I forgot what it was like to be in these clothes!” she exclaimed pulling on the collar of her shirt. She took out the pins in her hair hastily, and ran her hand through her full head of hair, “Ah. That’s better.”
I still hadn’t said anything. My reeling mind didn’t know what to think of this women coming into my grey place. I hadn’t even registered my death in my mind yet.
“Nicole, are you alright?” she asked me. I knew I was supposed to respond, but nothing came out, “I know this is hard, but you’ve got to remember something about last night.”
Remember… remember. What was I supposed to remember? Last night… the party. Zachary-
“Oh no,” I finally said.
The lady didn’t say anything to me again, and she was still waiting for me to remember more.
Headlights shining in my eyes- Crunch! Black surrounding me. The floating… the grey. The lady ghost from nowhere.
Ghost.
I touched my skin. I ran my hands over my body, and it felt solid enough. The clothes I wore were still held by each little seam and thread. Everything about my body was still intact. I was breathing. Dead people wouldn’t be breathing.
Dead.
This was not Heaven. Was I in Hell? I had learned plenty about what to do to prevent myself from going to Hell. What had I done wrong? I had gone to church every Sunday. I prayed to God and Jesus on a daily basis. I kept good grades, and I was always respectful to my parents.
Where were the peal gates? The floods of golden light welcoming me into the arms of God? Where were the angels rejoicing for the new arrival of a blessed child of God?
Was everything I had learned and practiced for so many years false? Was this what was to come in the afterlife? Grey nothingness? Was I supposed to go on the rest of eternity with the company of one other person?
“A-am I,” I said, looking at her again, “Where are my parents?” I started looking around frantically. I ran to where I thought the edge of the grey was, but when I got close to it, it never stopped. It was endless. I started to cry out to my parents, but no one came to my rescue. I closed my eyes tightly and prayed that when I opened my eyes again that I would be in my own bed. I opened one eye slowly to only be looking at the grey again.
“They aren’t here, Nicole,” she said trying to console me.
“I want my mom,” I said, still crying.
“I know you do, Nicole, I know you do. Your parents want you too,” she said.
“Then why aren’t they coming to me when I call?” I demanded, “Where are they?” I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked back at her angrily.
“You’re in a different place now, Nicole. They can’t hear you,” she said.
Horror was rolling through my body as my presumptions were becoming fact. They couldn’t hear me anymore because I was in a different place. I wasn’t in Heaven, and I wasn’t in Hell, but I was somewhere else. Somewhere that no one else had prepared me to expect.
“Where am I?” I asked.
“There really is no name for it. I’ve always just called it Purgatory. You’ve learned about Purgatory in your Sunday school, haven’t you, Nicole?” she asked.
“Yes,” I barley managed to squeak out. I had learned about Purgatory in Sunday school. It was a place where God put people that he was unsure about where to send them for perpetuity.
“You aren’t in here for bad reasons, Nicole. You’ve been chosen by God to be placed here,” she said.
“God did this to me?” I asked looking around myself.
“Nicole, my name is Carol. I’m your Guiding Mentor. It is my duty to make sure that you become a Guiding Angel with as much ease as possible,” she said.
I starred at her blankly for another moment, then asked, “You mean Guardian Angel? God had sent me here to be someone’s angel?”
“That job title does not fit our purpose by any means. Why would we call ourselves something that we don’t do?” she asked.
“Who?” I asked, still confused.
“Nicole, God has decided that he needs you more than your human life needed you. He sees something special in you, and he’s trusting you with one of the five spots as a Guiding Angel. Our job is to guide the five people that will change the world the most for their certain generation,” Carol said.
“My… death,” I said breathing in slowly, “Was planned by God?”
“Very much so,” she said, “You’re all part of the plan for the good of the world.”
“So I’m not going to Hell?” I asked.
“Goodness no, Nicole. Actually, after I initiate you further with the rules of the Guiding Angels, I will finally be inducted into Heaven,” she said.
“How many years have you had to wait to get in?” I asked.
“About ninety-six years,” she said. My heart stopped, and it felt like something was hitting me with extreme force in my stomach.
“Almost one hundred years?” I asked in astonishment.
“It depends on how long your guide lives for,” she said, “But yes, it can last up to just past one hundred years.”
“Who was your guide?” I asked, making use of her vocabulary.
“Miss Rosa Parks,” she replied.
“Really?” I asked.
“I watched over her from birth to death. When she had some trouble with decisions, I was always there in the back of her mind keeping her onto the path that God knowingly made for her. By God creating these set paths for five people in the world, all of the other people’s adjust easily around them. So, while God is giving humans free will, our presence keeps the world more orderly than people think,” she said.
“So all of the events in our lives are all planed out beforehand?” I asked.
“Not all,” she replied, “The main goals that they are to hit are there, but they can take numerous amounts of approaches to get there. It’s like a math problem that can be solved many different ways, but in the end, you get the same answer.”
“But we’re here to enforce God’s plans?” I asked.
“Precisely,” she replied.
My brain was trying to absorb as much information as it could. My worries had gone down slightly knowing that God was still behind me in the long run. No matter how long it took, I would make it to Heaven one day with him.
“When do I, uh, meet my guide?” I asked.
“Once we are done speaking of the rules, you will be transported back to earth, and be placed inside of your guide,” she said.
My mind started wandering, trying to imagine how they were going to put me inside of someone’s body. How disorienting.
“Now, I think you’re ready for the rules,” she said. I nodded my head, although I wasn’t sure how prepared I really was.
“The first rule is simple,” she said, “Never speak to your guide.”
I nodded my head, and she continued.
“Second, don’t interfere with the minds of others to benefit your guide,” she said, “I know that sounds a bit strange now, but when your guide is being bullied, you will understand how easy it will be to break that rule.”
I nodded again, and promised my self that I would never be like that. Gosh, was I wrong.
“And last, but most important, you should not have any romantic attachments to your guide,” she said.
My face was full of curiosity. I thought it was an unspoken rule that females should have female guides, so what was the problem?
“God can place you wherever he sees fit, Nicole. Just because my guide was a girl doesn’t meant that yours would have to be,” she said.
“I just don’t know how that could be a problem. Don’t you live in them as a baby?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said, “But you’d be surprised by how many people are led to temptation and break these rules. That’s where I come in.”
My face was obviously questionable again, and she laughed slightly.
“If you break any of these rules, I have to leave Heaven, which will not make me happy, and inform you that you’ve broken a rule, and you have a warning. If you break another rule, or the same rule again, you will be on probation for about a month watching how I guide. If you have a third offence, you will be banned, and forced into conversation with God, discussing your admittance into Heaven,” she said.
“I’ve always been able to follow the rules, Carol. You don’t have to worry about me,” I said. Once again, I really was naïve.
“Don’t be so sure of yourself, Kid,” she said.
I wasn’t paying attention at the time, and was almost anxious to see what would happen when I was placed inside my guide.
“Do you remember all of the rules?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said quickly. I smiled at her, and this had to feel like a parent letting their kid drive their car for the first time by themselves.
“Good luck, Nicole,” she said patting my hand. Slowly, she drifted away to what I hopped was Heaven. Carol seemed like a kind soul that deserved paradise after her hard work. Once she was out of sight, I felt myself being sucked up from the grey. When I was being lifted, I felt like I was weightless. My skin and bones were no longer solid, rather, everything was like a cloud. My limbs were loose as was everything around me was warm. This world felt good.
Next, I felt tired. Never before in my life had I felt that tired. The suspended floating in the warm felt like when you would swim, and you barely weighed more than a thing. My eyes seemed to not be able to open, or what I was seeing was dark. It was so dark, and no light was coming through from anywhere.
I reached out to grab something, but my hands found no purchase. I stretched out my wiggling limbs, and hit something hard. The structure around me contracted slightly, but quickly reformed it’s shape. The exhaust was kicking in again, and I felt myself falling asleep.
When I woke up, I was in the dark, warm place again. I stretched after my sleep and hit my limb against the wall again. It contracted in on me, and this time I tried pushing against it. What was trying to trap me inside here?
I kicked again, and it contracted again, this time further. I pushed harder, and was not going to let my sleep take over my efforts. This time, all of this work was not making me tired. There had to be hours passing, then the warmness around me was gone. It was almost as if it was sucked out completely. Who had taken away that comfortable warm feeling from me?
Now I could feel myself being pulled up ward. What was going on? Was this God transporting me to my guide? No! I wanted to stay here in the warm. At least for a little while longer. It took a while for me to be fully sucked up again, and I felt bitter cold on my head. It shocked my body, and I tried to crawl back into the warm. It wouldn’t let me back in.
Slowly, all of the warm was drifting away, and the cold was clinging onto my forehead. Faster now, I could feel my whole body being sucked out and the cold surrounding me. I opened my eyes again to see where I was, and the contrast between extreme dark and this light blinded me. I cried out, but when I did, it didn’t sound like my voice. Instead, a shrill baby’s cry came out.
“It’s a boy,” someone in the place said.
I felt myself being placed on a table, and some sort of cloth being rubbed on me. That was when the torture of the sucking came. Little suckers from everywhere came and attacked my throat, ears, and the corners of my eyes. I cried again, and once more, the baby noise came out. Where was I? Why was this baby creating all of this noise at the same time I was? That was when the truth hit me hard. The sound wasn’t another baby in the room. That baby was me. I had been placed in my guide.
So, contrary to most stories that have ever been told, this one doesn’t end in death. Oh no, death is only the beginning of my story.
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Jacklin reviewed Version 1 -
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medicman65 reviewed Version 1 -
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You have an intriguing story here. The two chapters contrast nicely with each other, but we get a sense of continuity from the personality of Nicole. She seems a little too willing to accept her new role as a Guiding Angel (but of course, what choice does she have?). I was a little confused as to the relationship of the guiding angel and the guide. Who is guiding whom? Since we see that the angel is inside the “guide,” perhaps a better word for the human would be “host.” A few technical details follow; I trust you have a proofreading session coming up. Quite enjoyable!
“my nose buried into my computer” – Should be ‘in my computer’. Into denotes the action of going from outside into something. In means it’s there already.
“quote, ‘beauty of my eyes’.” Since you’re using quotes, you don’t have to say ‘quote’.
“Yes, we’re in Trig. together,” Trigonometry is not a proper name so it doesn’t have to be capitalized, and a period isn’t necessary.
“The music was loud in my ears” – that it is in your ears is understood.
“The song had good base” – I think you mean bass. As in bass guitar.
“emphasizing on the k sound” – Should be either ‘emphasizing the k sound’ or ‘emphasis on the the k sound.’
“across the meridian” – ‘Meridian’ may be a local thing, like ‘neutral ground’ in New Orleans, but ‘median’ is universally accepted.
“I gained control again of the wheel” ‘again’ needs to be anywhere but where it is. Preferably at the end of the sentence.
“it had the figure of a women.” – Women is a plural but you are describing an individual. Woman.
“a broach was fastened” – To broach is to cross a line or a divide. A brooch is an article of jewelry.
“the peal gates” – Um, do you mean the pearly gates?
“promised my self” – myself
“My face was obviously questionable again” – A questionable face? Is there some doubt as to whether it is a face or not?
“Good luck, Nicole,”- after a long discussion of predetermination, the angel wished Nicole luck? Seems counter-productive.
“I hopped was Heaven” – I hop you’re right.
“The suspended floating in the warm” – This is an awkward phrase. Perhaps ‘Floating suspended in the warmth…’ would work better.
“My eyes seemed to not be able to open” – split infinitive, and too wordy. Try ‘my eyes seemed unable to open…’
“The exhaust was kicking in again” – Not sure what you mean by this. If you mean ‘exhaustion’ (and I hope you do) why is it kicking in again? You’ve already established the tiredness; ‘again’ is unnecessary.
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Cheer_Band_Geek reviewed Version 1 -
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This is brilliant Maggie. Ive read the 1st chapter before but the 2nd one really added to the story and i think its an awesome begining the only mistake or thing that caught my eye was that when she is being sucked into the warm place, it says “and you barely where more than a thing” and that was not very descriptive, i know you can do better! But awesome 2nd chapter!
writtenout reviewed Version 1 -
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Well I made it to 83.33 percent of your story…but have no time for the balance. I have read enough to know two things 1) you have a good head for storytelling 2) you need to edit this story before it will be ready.
Here are some observations for you:
You overuse absolutes i.e. AWARD WINNING casserole – I was ALWAYS the good kid. I was ALWAYS the one that other parents would look at and wonder what my parents did to create such a perfect child. My GPA was NEVER below 4.0, and my permanent record was COMPLETELY flawless – was always subject to make fun – we were complete opposites. The only reason …
This use of absolutes can set the character but it can also distract the reader if over used. It distracted me and I am never distracted and in fact am always the perfect reader. lol
Some of your sentences could be reconstructed to change the pace a bit. If you always say things the same way the reader will fall into a trance.
- “I paused for a second, then said, “I don’t even know where it is.”
*She started working on my hair first. * She grabbed a brush from my bathroom, - After she brushed my hair, (with much opposition on my part), she curled each thin strand. It now seemed to resemble having some volume, and the way it framed my face was an improvement from the up do.
- Kristin made me go into my bathroom and * I put them in reluctantly and sat down for more torture.
*She grabbed makeup from her purse
Can you tell the story and allow this information to come to us more subtly?
In what was her well meaning attempt to as she put it “spruce me up a bit” Kirstin, ignoring my complaints, began brushing my hair. Forcing me to sit still she meticulously curled my poor limp hair.
See? Not perfect but it tells the story allowing the facts to unfold.
I hope this helps a bit. You are a good writer and I was glad to use fifteen minutes to help out.
jthorn28 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really a great idea, and the story kept me reading and wanting to know what happened next. This is a story that could be expounded upon in many different ways, so you might consider staying with the idea. An idea this big, is hard to write as a short story. I only really have one critique and it has to do with your dialogue. You might want to be careful writing…he said, she said, he said, she said…. and experiment with different things such as; he responded, and sometimes you don’t have to write anything if it is clear who the speaker is. Just something to make the writing flow better. Overall, a cool story. Keep it up.
Secbuzz reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a really good start! When I started reading, I expected Nicole to end up coming across her guide, not her ending up being the guide. You’ve set the story up nicely, showing the coming conflict with “the rules.” I almost expect her to end up having a “conversation with God” near the end of your work. The story does start off a bit slowly with the two friends and their going to the teenaged party and the “good girl” being convinced to go off to somewhere she knew she shouldn’t be. The story did hold my interest though, and I think you did a very good job over all.
DREAD88 reviewed Version 1 -
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“You’re a prude. Eight-thirty is early for party time,” she said.
Prude is more tightly bound to sex than other choice words. I like to use this joke a lot, but I would call her Mrs. Buzzkillington. I feel that it fits the playful and convincing nature that Kristin is going for as she tries to convince her friend, instead of using something that could be insulting, like calling a girl a prude (which some women may find nearly as insulting as being called a whore).
I feel the first chapter, after having read it, is light. I do not mean that offensively, but i mean that constructively. Not many people (I imagine) want to delve into a book and immediately get a detailed conversation about the night a girl tries to convince a geeky friend into joining her at a party. It feels very cliche, and I would often find myself putting the book down for a while. I would like to point out that i am a man, so this may just be from a male perspective after all. However I don’t feel that females would find this particularly engaging either.
Perhaps if this is integral to your story, or you enjoy the way you have written this first chapter to much to change it or delete it, consider an Amadeus Race introduction where you throw us directly into the action, and then come back to this for plot structure purposes. I also like to imagine how a story would translate into a movie. If a movie started out with two girls in a scene like this, I would immediately predict the film to be a campy B rater. However if it started with an action piece, and then returned to this, I would feel suddenly drawn into the characters, and this may actually be a more interesting scene.
“Could you please just to pretend to be? For me at least?” she asked.
cut out the extra to*
The party setting seems very underdeveloped. The logic behind why she would drive this boy home when he is this aggressively drunk needs to be developed more. And drunk or not, how may drunken people would say “i want to play” several times adamantly. That is hard to relate to, and is something you would expect from an invalid character, or a child.
Nicole’s meeting of what is assumed to be god could have been a more dramatic affair based on the above comment.
“The main goals that they are to hit are there, but they can take numerous amounts of approaches to get there. It’s like a math problem that can be solved many different ways, but in the end, you get the same answer.”
-A smoother analogy could be used. It just seems weird considering that virtually any math problem could yield an answer of 5, and in the and you get the same answer, but that would mean that virtually any path gets there. I guess what I’m saying is that a better analogy could be constructed.
but when your guide is being bullied, you will understand how easy it will be to break that rule.”
-A guide being bullied? Possibly a more general word could be chosen such as “confronted” or “challenged” or whatever flows more in the context of the story, but I think it is best as a general word.
I was suddenly drawn into the story when Nicole dies and this new place, the fear was tangible, only to be sucked right back out of the story by that fact that she so easily gets over here death and is already on board with this angelic guiding service. Also the long list of rules (feels long anyways)hurts the pacing of the story for me, and could be changed. The romantic attachment rule seems just beyond odd. She is not human anymore, so there are no sexual urges. She has no hormones nor genitalia. She may love her guide however, but it just couldn’t be romantically I would think…
” what I hopped was Heaven.”
-hoped
“but my hands found no purchase”
-What?
On page 17, I could easily tell that she was being birthed. Adding, “What was trapping me in here” seems like it is only benefiting Nicole, who is still clueless, yet I, who have quickly read everything, already know exactly what is happening. In fact the fact that Nicole says that she doesn’t know what was trapping her in there indicates that you expect the reader to not know either, which could be dissapointing for the reader to have already figured out what is happening, only to have to read about what is happening for another entire page.
Where was I? Why was this baby creating all of this noise at the same time I was?
- This line just should be deleted or reworded. And then at the end, (I wrote this previous paragraph before even reading Nicole’s revelation) Nicole suddenly goes from fear and confusion to essentially, “Hah told you. This is just the beginning.” It feels somewhat out of place.
The beginning and ends need some work, but the center, just after Nicole’s death is what drew me into the story and made me want to finish it. You’ve got some writing skills and a great creative mind. Just take the criticism to heart and keep writing your way towards perfection. Good luck.
RavenJake reviewed Version 1 -
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This story should start with “Do I know you?” or with the two on the road swerving through traffic. The back story about her friend served no purpose as it isn’t addressed again and is quickly forgotten. Seeing Nicole in an unfavorable position because of niceness will say more about her personality and drive that scene. I think that was your story, it was the moment that had tension, made sense to read and was leading somewhere. In that moment there was conflict and it felt real. Expanding on that feeling could give your story far greater impact.
The dialog before was a slight nuisance to get to the story, and the dialog after seemed irrelevant and heading nowhere. The religious jargon is sudden, really isn’t serving as a plot device and turns off a lot of readers. The point where the reader is asking “what’s going to happen?” and is nervous for the outcome of the character, that is your story.
That being said, here are some technical points to consider as well.
Reduce punctuation as there are far too many ellipses, dashes and brackets.
You can cut the “when I was growing up,” and just leave “I was always the good kid.” When I was growing up is vague and doesn’t tell you when something happened it simply states the obvious that when you were a kid you were growing up. And similarly, “In reality, we were complete opposites.” The “in reality can be taken out and the sentence says the same thing. Most of the time if a sentence says the same thing after you remove part of it then that part wasn’t necessary to what you were saying.
did something with your hair?” asked Kristin. – The reader already knows its a question because of the question mark.
In the initial conversation it’s apparent that you don’t need many of the “I said,” and “she said,” and that you’re simply wanting to convey the action. In many cases it’s already apparent who is speaking because of the context so stating it is redundant.
“Come on, Nicole, I know for a fact that Zachary McLaughlin will be there,” she said eagerly in my bedroom. That dialog tag can only serve to remove the reader. If you put the dialog into context with a precursor sentence it flows far more smoothly. An example would be “Nicole laid on the floor of my bedroom tapping her fingers on the ground impatiently.” If that sentence came before the dialog it would be apparent who was talking and how they were saying it without you having to tell the reader who was talking and how they were saying it.
I mused, she added, I said sarcastically, asked Kristen eagerly, I yelled back, slurred someone are all tags that can be eliminated by context and clarity.
the (Kristin’s quote) ‘party of the year.’ You can limit this my saying, the “party of the year.”
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