Poetry / your emtiness

The empty livingroom

of your soul is small,

windowless, and without

warmth or comfort.

Your conscious is like

a basement covered in mildew,

urine standing an inch deep

on a cold concrete floor.

And your personality

is like a repeatedly

beaten autistic child,

molested by wolverines.

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Reviews

July 24, 2009

Spriglief

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
199	67.5% (117 votes)	25.7%

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
52	M	Delco, NC	November 20

Spriglief reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I did not think the third stanza fit the first two. Anybody (autistic included) molested by wolverines would be running and screaming at the top of their lungs. The noise and activity of this verse is at odds with the static passiveness of an unoccupied living room and basement.

The images you are using are very clear. I get an image of an utterly depraved individual.

add/view comments (1)

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
22	83.3% (12 votes)	7.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
31	M	Keokuk, IA	November 18

July 24, 2009

Visualear

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
45	82.6% (23 votes)	33.3%

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
101	F	Minneapolis, MN	October 19

Visualear reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

The first portion is perfect. The second makes me wonder about how you
would know the floor is cold if it was covered in piss an inch thick. It still could be perfect if it’s your intention to make the reader wonder this fact.
The last portion is powerful with the wolverines thrown in at the end but
I think you can do better as the previous was fully solid.