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Jason
Poetry / Untitled #461 (Analysis)
Hidden away
forgotten, lost.
Laying quietly,
covered in dust,
obscured by cobwebs,
untouched by light......
Where will your dreams end up?
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greggelz reviewed Version 1 -
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it’s a little sparse and i wish i knew what you were talking about. you could use a space between your two sentences to give it the appearance of length …
i feel that the ambiguity and the lack of a title hinders the ability to publish but there is imagery and it does show that talent is there.
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PenelopeMV reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the covered in dust line, but for me the question at the end left me empty. I felt like the title should have given me a clue before the end of the poem what the subject really was. Originally I thought you were wrting about a key:)
groovieknave reviewed Version 1 -
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So the lights are off in an old room previously occupied by spiders? A mummy? I don’t know this didn’t provoke any deep thoughts for me, but hey it’s short and sweet… although you don’t need so many spaces at the end for the last sentence I almost missed it. How about two spaces? Just a suggestion. Otherwise I didn’t really like it, I think it needs more cause it feels like a starter and it isn’t finished. That’s how it seems, just a cheap addon line at the end to attempt to inspire thought, but that doesn’t work for me.
I’d say it needs more otherwise it’s just a begining and doesn’t work.
dragonshaker reviewed Version 1 -
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I found these words redundant in the sense that it was time spent looking in the past perhaps these were once treasured items and are now now laid to waste, your descriptive verses were however quite cheerful in the notion that what we have today might be dust tomorrow.
purgatorying reviewed Version 1 -
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there’s a sort of pattern around the “laying quietly” surrounded by three similar forms, so maybe consider deleting “away.”
Forgotten and lost work together, but hidden implies the person plays a more active role. Unless it’s to imply a succession of events, in which case, it works.
I’m not sure I would say cobwebs obscure things. As they are untouched by light, it would be more fitting to be obscured by darkness. Maybe work in a reference to time also. Presumably, these dreams are static. There is no hope for them, and a time reference would nail that.
A short poem that asks a poignant, inspiring question.
jthorn28 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like the overall idea of this poem. Dreams do take work and need to be nurtured. The imagery is great. It’s kind of short though. I would have liked to seen you expound on the idea more.
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