Thank you and I’m glad you caught the acronym in Geoffrey’s name. What exactly would you like to see more of on Megan’s side?
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Untitled-Excerpt
Saturday was the only day of the week Ellen never planned anything. She wanted to be alone, with the exception of Megan, and wanted to be able to do whatever it was she wanted. Sometimes she'd read or write and then other times she'd pluck the strings of her acoustic guitar and sing, Johnny Cash lyrics winding from between chapped lips. Today she found herself laying on the couch watching Entertainment Tonight which was featuring some starlette that had let fame go too far to her head. Megan was sitting on the chair next to the couch, legs folded under her, and crochet needles snick-snicking away as she made a blanket.
"This show is going to end up rotting your brain," Megan said, her needles clashing against one another. She unlooped her mistake and snick-snicked onward. Ellen had never been able to crochet and often felt a little jealous that the blind girl was able to catch onto it.
"That's why they made TV," Ellen said, smirking slightly. "Did you ever hear back from Jace?" She rolled onto her back and put her feet up on the opposite armrest.
"He called last night while you were in the shower." Her cheeks reddened and she smiled shyly, which was a rare occurence for Megan. "He wants to go out on Friday. I told him I'd think about it. There's a lot that could happen from now to then."
"You're right," Ellen said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "You could finish that blanket by then or get a job or we could go to church. Meg, we don't ever do anything. It's work, church, and family time. You have time to go on a date."
Megan shrugged, setting her crocheting aside for some girl talk. "I don't know if I'm ready just yet."
The family misfortune held another twist for the girls. Megan had been involved with a guy for the better part of her high school years and he'd abused her pretty much the entire time. She'd finally broken it off with him during her freshman year of college right after he broke her nose and two fingers. He was in jail for two years and now is going to mandatory therapy and is required to stay so many feet away from Megan and her family.
"It's been almost eight years," Ellen reminded her.
Megan touched her nose and sighed. The doctor, which the girls had barely been able to afford, told them that post-traumatic stress disorder affected nearly all victims of an abusive relationship. He told them that it should taper off within a few months and Megan would be able to live life worry-free. So much for his college education. Megan didn't even allow a guy to have her number. Jace was only lucky because he'd been a friend of Ellen's during college and had been around to the house a multitude of times.
"I know. I'm just nervous, but I guess I can't just hide out here forever."
Ellen smiled and sat up. "But you can compromise. Have dinner here. You guys can have the downstairs to yourself and I'll be up in the office, totally out of your hair. But if it gets hairy then I can be there in a second."
Megan giggled. "All right. If things get... hairy you can be my protector."
As if on cue the doorbell rang. Both girls looked in the direction of the door. Saturday was a completely off-limits time for both of them. At 23 and 26, the girls should have been getting ready to hit the clubs with their friends, but their friends knew well enough that both of them preferred being home in solitude on weekends. They all respected that, with the exception of the occasional visit by Jace. But if he was giving Megan time to think he wouldn't just show up unannounced.
"Did the mail all ready come?" Megan asked, putting her crocheting supplies in the little basket beside her chair.
Ellen nodded. "Yeah, at ten." The doorbell rang again, the tone holding longer this time like the person on the outside of the door was irritated. "I guess I'll go see."
She approached the door like it was something deadly and ready to strike. Normally answering the door wasn't a hard task, but Saturdays were just always so quiet.
"Who's there?" she asked, one hand resting tentatively on the doorknob.
"Mailman."
Ellen frowned. The mail had all ready been there that morning. She checked her wristwatch. Almost an hour ago now. The bills were still sitting on the hall table. Nevertheless, she opened the door.
The man was short, only coming to about navel height on Ellen. He had curly red hair and a matching bushy mustache. He was dressed in a simple black suit and holding a manila envelope.
"Ellen Eraina Schultz?" he asked, looking her over, one eyebrow arching as he passed judgment.
She was suddenly self-conscious that she had answered the door in her pink satin pajamas. "You're not the mailman."
The man ignored the comment and offered the envelope. "To Ellen Eraina Schultz. We expect a reply as soon as humanly possible. Thank you for your time." With that, he turned on the heel of his black dress shoe and was off.
Ellen shut the door, feeling confused and a little shocked.
"Who was it?" Megan asked, her walking cane clicking against the wooden floor of the hallway.
"Mailman," Ellen said. She scratched her head. "Forgot to give me a letter, I guess."
Megan made a noise of disbelief and frowned before guiding herself into the kitchen. Ellen followed at her heels, turning the envelope over in her hands. Only her name (her full name) was on the envelope so any clue as to who this was from lay on the inside. But should she open it? What if it was anthrax? She'd heard on the news that had been a big scare right after terrorists attacked the World Trade Center. With her family's luck it wouldn't be unlikely. Of course she probably had a better chance of being trampeled by a herd of giraffes than being targeted by terrorists. Did giraffes travel in herds?
She shook the thought. It wasn't really important if they traveled in herds or not. What was important was this letter delivered by the strange man. Obviously it was important if he wanted her to reply as soon as humanly possible. What did that mean by the way? Did he want her to call him with her response? Did he leave her a number? The only way to know would be to open the letter and that was what had her slicing through the seal with a steak knife.
Dear Ellen Eraina Schultz of 410 Blueberry Drive;
Ellen frowned at the usage of her full name and her address. Who were these people?
My name is Geoffrey O. Dansworth and I head a company called Peace, which is exactly as it sounds. I employ precisely four hundred and twenty people all over the world who work to make the universe a better place. I understand that can sound a bit daunting, but someone has to do it.
In 1782 I first noticed the need for the company and thus it was born. With only myself and my wife as employees at the time it was a tough job to tackle, but we were able to do it. Over the last two hundred odd years my wife and I have expanded our company to not only earth, but to beyond. Your mind is no doubt boggled right now,
That seemed like the understatement of the year. What did this Geoffrey O. Dansworth really think he was playing at? He peacekeeped for earth and beyond? What was this Star Wars? Were they going to go visit Darth Vader aboard the Death Star to have tea while Luke discussed his discomfort with having a power hungry lunatic for a father?
but we all have the time in the world to explain what exactly is going on here. Literally. If you choose to join Peace you, your sister, and your spouses (if you should so ever gain them) will be given an infinite lifespan.
Ellen scrunched the paper in her hand, making Megan wander over from the counter.
"What does it say?" she asked, sitting down, putting a cup of coffee in front of her little sister. "Is it upsetting? Is it about Dad?"
"I'm not really sure what it's about or what's going on," Ellen whispered, running her fingers through her hair. "It sounds crazy, Meg. It's like a message from God."
Megan smiled. "Well then you'd better keep reading."
You must understand, of course, that once you join Peace it is a binding contract. You are obligated to work for us for the remainder of your life, which, as you see, is forever. I'm sure you'll find that you're quite happy with Peace, though, and you're always traveling to new places. It really never is the same job every day. Both your sister and you are college educated in anthropology and we believe it would be a good addition to our team. Yes, we want your sister as well. We understand that her blindness is a hindrance, but we can rid her of that obstacle.
If you're at all interested in keeping peace among the eight planets (as poor Pluto has been discounted by earth), in infinite life, and in your sister gaining her sight back please come to our headquarters. The address is located below.
Yours truly,
Geoffrey O. Dansworth
CEO of Peace
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I think it’s cool when people add blind characters..like the show avatar..I kind of creates a challenge. I really liked this and sometime the simplest names work, like Peace. I like how the didnt give her the option to deny…just kind of forcing her into it. I really interested in seeing what it is and just thought this is the correct way you start a story.
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Storie_Tellar reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved it. The story seems really interesting, from megan’s love life to the message from g.o.d.
I do have one gripe. I wish you would have elaborated on magan’s past just a little more. It seems like an important part of who she is and I felt like you rushed thru it a little. Yes, people say don’t pile on the back story but if its necessary its necessary.
I would haved liked to have a better idea of how ellen was feeling as she read the letter. I suppose I’ll see her overall reaction to it in the next chapter.
I love the way you ended this chapter. It was really good. It makes me want to read on.
I don’t think there’s anything too farfetched about the story. I think its great and I can’t wait to read the next part.
RavenJake reviewed Version 1 -
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The first paragraph needs a punctuation and sentence structure overhaul. Simplify statements like “and wanted to be able to do whatever it was she wanted,” to something like “she wanted personal time.” Some sentences run together and a simplification could help with clarity and pace. The dialog is pretty good and is the strength of this passage.
jthorn28 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is a great start. You really seem to have a command of the language, and I am definately intrigued. I would like to read the rest. I’m sorry I don’t have much of a critique. One thing that did strike me, was Ellen’s not mentioning to her sister that a midget delivered her a letter at the door. I think if that happened to me, I would be telling the first person I saw. Anyway, a good start.
gemglitter reviewed Version 1 -
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Comments: I will definitely keep on the look out for more of this piece…so please comment me with the title, or the working title of it. I really connect with these sisters. You know something is different when Saturdays are a day to stay home. This piece just makes me want to read more. My fave line is, ”
(if you should so ever gain them)” I laughed.
Suggestions: Here are some few lines that made me stop:
“I know. I’m just nervous, but I guess I can’t just hide out here forever.”—This dialogue sounds forced. I can’t picture someone saying it.
Saturday was a completely off-limits time for both of them. At 23 and 26—I would specify here which of the two was older and younger
Other than that, this piece was good!
CSNS reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked it. You have a very good flow, everything is clear and the idea original. Makes me wonder what that whole Peace company is about.
One thing I did not really believe in was the fact that Ellen opened the door even though she knew he was lying about being the mailman. I would have added that maybe she peeped trough the peep whole and then opened the door but had a security chain thingie (not sure what it is called) still on or something. Otherwise, it seems a little naive.
I would have liked the letter to be a little bit more formal. THe man that delivered it seemed to be. It sounded a little too personal, for the first contact, I would have like it more business-like, straight to the point.
I would get rid of “Yes, we want your sister as well.” sounds familiar that they pretend to read her mind, “(as poor Pluto has been discounted by earth), ”, gives too much info in a first letter in my opinion.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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crochet needles snick-snicking away as she made a blanket.—as someone who crochets I feel compelled to point out to you that crocheting involves only one needle. You might consider knitting to keep the continuity of the sentence.
from now to then—s/b from now until then. I like to point out grammar mistakes, so bear with me
So much for his college education. This sentence doesn’t work for me. You must be talking about the doctor, but the way it’s worded just doesn’t convey what you mean in a clear manner.
You omitted having Ellen actually open the door—unless the man transported himself inside
Some grammatical things you need to check. This might be a good beginning. Go back and work on your first part, make the writing strong and think about where yhou want it to go
slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this. It is intriguing and creative.
“now is going to mandatory therapy and is required” the word ‘is’ is present tense. The rest of your story is in past tense (as in the word ‘was’), so be careful with that.
The contemplation of whether Ellen should open the letter or not was told very well. I could imagine a real person thinking the same things. (Except for the giraffes part, but that was hilarious.)
The ending was perfect, because it had me wanting to read more. I want to know what’s going to be the reaction of Ellen and Megan after finishing the letter. I hope you post more soon, I’ll look forward to reading it!
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