Young Adult / Velocity: Book 1 Part one: Meetings (rated 2) (Analysis)
Kira stepped out of the airplane into the Hot, muggy summer air. She didn't like it. It wasn't cool, it wasn't breezy, and she couldn't smell the ocean. In fact, the only thing she could smell was exhaust and stress- it was so heavy it made her want to gag. She longed for home, but the next closest thing (literally) was James' house in the woods, directly northwest from that point for 85 miles. She knew, she googled it. She rolled her stiff shoulders and started down the stairs from the airplane, her brood following close behind: Jordan, Anna, Lyle, Mia, and Sara. The first to actually react to the new freedom from the small haul of the plane was Mia, the youngest. She threw herself over the railing, landing lightly on her feet onto the ground.
"LAND!!" she cried, “Sweet, solid, not moving land!!!"
Kira rolled her eyes. Mia was always so over dramatic. But then again, weren't all preteens? She lifted Mia up from under her arms and pushed her along.
"Let's go, little one."
She was had just flown 1,000 some miles with her brother, sister, and their friends on a personal favor that she owed a dear friend. James Hollock was that dear friend, though... if you asked anyone else, “friend” wouldn't be their choice of words. Former lover, yes, but friend... not so much.
They grabbed what little luggage they had and pushed thru security as fast as they could. Their large group drew many stares, which Kira didn't mind so much. The sight of a twenty year old with a brood of teenagers behind her often caused a lot of stares, like they were a biker gang or something. She sighed to herself, wishing they would stop staring and pointing. It was uncomfortable enough in this place. Kira wasn't the only one who hated being in tight, enclosed public areas. Everyone was getting antsy and she could almost taste the static tension in the air. She could tell it was taking everything within them not to bust throw themselves thru the nearest window and run like hell. She beamed, proud of their discipline in such an uncomfortable situation. They finally made it to the exit, all breathing sighs of relief. Kira caught a glimpse into the parking lot; and her breath caught in her throat. There was James, leaning against his car, an easy smile on his face. She swallowed her excitement and walked over, but she was the only one, other than Jordan. Mia and Sara were already running at Nick, wide eyed and thrilled at their good fortune. They were star-struck.
Nick was pretty much a John Cena clone. Except, with more hair. He towered over most of them, slouching at 6'1. In fact, his biceps were almost as big as her head. Mia and Sara strategically placed themselves on either side of him.
Mia muttered to Sara, “God... I remember why I love visiting them. They're both HOT."
Sara giggled and nodded in prim agreement. Kira was so glad that the girls were polar opposites. Otherwise, she'd have a lot of trouble on her hands.
She finally got to James, but she was so unsure of what to do, so she just stood there.
“Well, do I get a hug, or are you too high and mighty for that now?"
She dropped the suitcases and flung herself into his arms. He laughed out loud. He patted her head and pulled her arms from around his waist.
“Don’t get clingy, love, you'll be here for awhile, kay?," he then turned to Jordan. "So, when are you gonna get taller, kid?" He asked, smirking.
Jordan turned bright red. "Whenever it suits me."
James laughed again, but it was more of a bark this time,“Still have an attitude problem do we, pup?"
Jordan growled a bit, but James cut him off.
"Kira and the luggage ride with me. You guys go with Nick."
The girls were in 7th heaven, while Lyle and Jordan just scowled. Kira's heart sank. She had barely managed to contain herself in her greeting, how in the hell was she supposed to remain composed for an hour long car ride? Just the sound of his voice had her flustered. She even tried to open her mouth to protest but she couldn't get the words out. She wasn't going tell herself that she didn't want to ride with him. She just didn't want to be out of control again. James was able to put her in a position where she had no power and he had all the power, which she wasn't used to. She looked around, her eyes pleading for someone to volunteer to ride with James. By the smirks on everyone's faces, they knew exactly why she didn't want to ride with him, and they were enjoying watching her squirm. She slid into the passengers side of the car and sighed.
"This is gonna be a long fucking visit."
Kira tried her best to just ignore him... she really did. But being in such a small car for so long with him, just the scent of him, was driving her up a freaking wall. He was her one weakness, the one thing she couldn't control, and how she hated that. He could do things to her that no one else could. He could tie her in a knot with one word; let alone what he did with one kiss. She closed her eyes; trying not to remember those summers she had spent with him. She could still smell the beach, the sun, his warm skin next to hers...
“No!” she yelled, waking with a start. She pressed herself as hard as she could against the door and away from him. He reached over to turn up the radio, and she pressed herself over further. He dropped his hand and just looked at her.
"What is your problem, Kira?? I'm not gonna fucking bite you.... “He growled, gripping the wheel hard and staring at the road. She just continued to look out the window and ignore him... or at least try. It was obviously pissing him off. She looked desperately for a sign of how far the had gone. They drove past a sign for Zelienople, and her heart sank again. They had hardly gone a quarter of the way. “You know, you didn't have to come up here,” James said quietly. He gave her a sideways glance, and she looked away.
“I owed you, that's the only reason we're here.” she replied, staring hard at the white line on the road. She could hear an angry huff come from him.
“So, that's the only reason, huh? Just because you owed me?” He muttered.
“Yes. Why else would I drag 5 kids onto a plane?” she hissed in return. She could see the vein in his neck straining as he got a bit more angry. She decided to change the subject to the one thing that kept them friends.
“So, how's Nina?” She muttered, staring out the window. Fr the first time since the car ride began, he smiled.
“She's doing great, actually. She's already finished with her homeschooling, and she's doing advanced healing techniques. I was so proud, the other day she helped put a splint on Ian's finger when he broke it and she didn't even hurt him,” he said, but then his face darkened a bit.
“You know, she misses you terribly. You were like her sister for years, and now you hardly bother to call every few months. Even then, you just leave a message on the machine at three in the morning.”
She sighed, “I guess I'm just so busy with the others. I have a lot to take care of, you know.” He just looked at her, and returned his attention to the road. She looked for another sign, and was relieved to see the sign for Grove City. They were already halfway there. She looked back at him, and realised why he was being so quiet. James had two ways to show his anger. It was to either scream and yell like Yosemite Sam, or just let you soak in your own thoughts while he sat in silent reproach. She thought about what he had said. She still loved her cousin Nina, like a sister, but...things had changed. Since she had agreed to leave Nina with James, they had grown farther apart. It seemed that the phrase, “Long distance relationships never work out” not only applied to boyfriends and girlfriends. After living with her for 13 years, and then not having her at all for almost 4 years...well, it can damage a relationship.
“Things change,” she muttered. He snorted.
“Delayed reaction much? So, that's what they call it now? Change?” He growled.
“I don't see why our relationship is any of your business.” she hissed in return.
“You put the responsibility of her happiness in my hands, and this is a big factor of it.” He retorted, gritting his teeth. He picked up his cell and called Nick.
“We’re going to pull over at this next rest stop." he waited to see what Nick had to say.
“No.... I gotta take care of something....." he waited again.
“Well, if you guys wanna go ahead, then that's fine. We'll catch up."
She saw the large van speed up and drive past, but Nick slowed down enough to let her see him mouth "Good luck". He gave her a thumbs up and sped past them. She thumped her head against the window. "Great...." she muttered as the got on the exit ramp.
Meanwhile, in the van, Jordan was having NO fun. He had to ride with all the stupid freaking girls... all drooling over Nick. But he knew that Kira wasn't having anymore fun. She had pissed James off enough to make him let them go ahead. Serves my stupid sister and her crush right, He thought to himself. He looked around the van, listening to the conversations going on. Mia and Sara were going on about hot boys, Lyle was staring out the window, and Anna was engrossed in a conversation with Nick. Well, as engrossed as you can be while checking out a guy. She kept leaning over and touching his arm, and laughing at everything he said. God, I can't believe I have to deal with this for a whole month, he thought to himself.
Kira looked ahead as they pulled into the rest stop. She gripped the door handle hard and just as he stopped, he flung open the door and fell out.
“Gotta go, girl thing,” she muttered, picking herself up off the ground. She ran as fast as she could into the rest stop, despite James calling her. She slammed into the nearest stall and sat. How was she gonna get out of this one? She was still trying to figure out an excuse not to leave when James made it inside.
"Hurry up," James barked into the bathroom, "We need to talk."
She was only pissing him off worse. She walked out and splashed water on her face. Here goes everything...... As soon as she stepped out of the bathroom, James had a death grip on her upper arm.
"Ow!!!" She yelled. He loosened his grip.
"Sorry," he muttered, still dragging her along.
When he found a corner that was closed off enough for his tastes, He threw her against the wall.
"What is your problem?"
She pressed her back against the wall, trying to move away. He grabbed the front waistband of her jeans and pulled her forward.
"WHAT??!?!?! Why don't you want to be near me??"
"No real reason..." She half stuttered. He grabbed her chin and forced her face up.
“No real reason my ass. What the hell is it?"
She pushed him feebly.
"I just don't want to be this close to you..."
A sparkle of recognition flashed in his eyes.
"Like this?" He asked, leaning in so close to her that their noses were touching.
"N-n-n-nnoooo..." she stuttered breathlessly. He smiled and backed up.
“Okay then." he said, turning and walking away. As he walked, she balled her fists.
“That... little.... bastard..." She whispered. He looked back over his shoulder.
"Not a bastard.” he retorted. He was sick of this game, but if she wanted to play, he intended to win.
She turned scarlet, hurrying along behind him in case he tried to leave without her. James was already in the car. He threw himself against his seat.
“This is gonna be a LONG fucking visit."
No one had any idea how hard this was for James. He was in love with Lisa, yes, deeply in love. But there was always something about Kira that got him. Most people would assume it was her beauty, her forest green eyes and flaming red hair, But it was something else. He loved how she was so tough on the outside, so willing to make everyone believe that she was cruel and heartless, but she opened herself to him. That time together, those moments of pure bliss... he hadn't felt like that in a long time. The feeling that he needed to care for someone like she would break if he wasn't there to hold her. Sure, Lisa needed him, and she and he had a very intimate and loving relationship, but Kira was different. She never held back for a second with him. He looked over at her smooth face. He had the urge to just brush his fingers across her cheek, just to feel the sun kissed warmth that her skin always had. Her face hadn't changed. It was still alabaster smooth with that cute sprinkling of freckles across her nose, still tan from all the time she spent in the sun. She still had that little wrinkle in her forehead from her worried frowning. He looked down at her neck, and noticed with sadness that the necklace he gave her was gone. He looked again. No, it was still there, it was on a string with another charm. As her face scrunched up into a frustrated look, only then did he realize she had been smiling as she slept. He reached out to touch her head, and she jerked awake, yelling “NO!” He quickly tried to amend the gesture by pretending to turn up the radio. She jerked away farther, almost flat against the door. He couldn't hide the hurt in his voice, so he turned it to anger. Couldn't she see this was just as hard for him? Couldn't she try to understand? Then she tried to change the subject to Nina, how dare she. Then she tried brushing it off. He made the flash decision to get off at the next exit and called Nick. He could see her face go pale as he told them to go ahead, and he heard her head thump against the glass as they pulled off the highway. He watched her scurry into the ladies room, anger finally giving way to pure frustration. Why? Why couldn't she just get it? He yelled into the bathroom at her, hoping she get a move on. As soon as he exited the room, he grabbed her and pulled her into a corner. He noticed the way she was nearly shaking when he touched her, how pale and afraid her face was. He spoke without thinking. He didn't even hear her reply. He just slipped his fingers into the waistband of her jeans and pulled her closer. She was stuttering as she answered, but she wouldn't look at him. He pushed her chin up, barely resisting the urge to kiss her. But when he heard her next response, he took the chance and hoped for the reaction he wanted. He leaned in, so close that their noses were brushing up against each other. It was so... Familiar to feel her breath fall across his cheeks, to hear her heart pounding almost as loud as his. He smiled at this closeness, but backed up. He turned and began to walk away. He heard her whisper, “That little bastard.” He only retorted over his shoulder, “Not a bastard.” He was pushing this too far. She had only been in the vicinity for a half hour and he already nearly broke... how would he make it until she left? She was the one playing this stupid game. If she wanted to play, then he was gonna win.He threw himself in the car and sighed.
"This is gonna be a LONG fucking visit."
Nina stared down the drive from her perch in the tree next to the house. Where are they??? She thought. She knew that even given James' reckless driving, it was at least an hour's drive from the airport. She shrugged to herself. Was probably just airport security. She settled herself back into the crook of the branch she was sitting in, trying to concentrate on the book that she was holding.
"You know how he is. Always arrives when it suits him."
She looked over, and there was Lisa leaning against the window sill. Nina smiled and nervously swung her leg.
"I know.... I just..." She turned red. "Well, you understand."
Lisa smiled sympathetically. "Don't worry so much. He's a big boy now. He can take care of himself." Nina twisted the long braid that fell over her shoulder.
"I know."
Lisa started to go, but turned back.
"Oh, yeah," she said," and that protective charm you put in his car should help, too."
Nina flushed deep red. "I-i-i didn't think anyone noticed...." she stammered.
Lisa laughed. "No one would've noticed. We just know you to well."
With that, the window closed. Maybe Lisa understands TOO much.... she shook off that thought quickly. It was a GOOD thing that Lisa understood. But god.... how much easier things would be if....Her thought was abruptly cut off by a wad of mud hitting her flat in the face.
“Awww SHIT!!!" Jaden yelled." I meant to hit her in the head!!"
Mina pushed him out from their hiding spot, then got up and bolted, screaming; “NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!!!!" Nina jumped down and started chasing Jaden. She was fast, But Jaden always managed to be faster.
"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!" He hollered back to her. She was so preoccupied with chasing Jaden that she didn't notice James pull up. All she was thinking about was that Jaden cheated when he used his mind reading.
Damn Jaden and his freaking hearing. She figured her only chance of catching him was tackling him, so she tensed up, ready to spring. She threw herself at Jaden, catching him between his shoulders with all of her weight. He landed face down in the mud, flailing like a child.
“Not fair!! No tackling!!!" he yelled.
“Maybe you shouldn't hit me in the face with mud!!!" she hollered back, shoving his face into the mud. A shadow fell across the two.
“Really, Nina, when I said make sure they behave while I was gone, I didn't expect you to take me so seriously." Jaden got up and pointed at Nina.
"She started it!!" he yelled, and bolted. She stared at the older boy.
"Don't be mad at me, James. They started by throwing mud in my face." James tried to look angry, but failed miserably. He broke down into laughter.
" You've convinced me..." he reached over and brushed some of the hardened mud off her cheek.”Just try not to hurt them... or yourself?" she glared at him.
“What does that mean?" she demanded.
He laughed again. "You just aren't the most graceful person. That's all." He replied. She grimaced.
"Good Mother... I'm not a freaking toddler." He hip checked her playfully.
"I know... but I'm still responsible for you." She stuck her tongue out at him and ran off to join Jaden and Mina.
Kira snorted behind him. “Never changes. Didn't even notice me."
James shrugged. "Eh. She's still just a kid. Let her play." Kira looked at him.
"Why?" she demanded. He looked at her over his shoulder at her, one eyebrow cocked.
"Why not? She needs to play around and have fun." He watched the three playing mud ball." Anyways, she's only 16. There's a lifetime for her to be serious. Now YOU..... You want to be serious. That doesn't mean she should.”
"You think what you will and I'll think what I will."
He turned and stared her right in the eyes. "Maybe being so stubborn isn't the best idea."
She shivered a little.
"Maybe...” she agreed.
"You really are clueless, aren't you?" He turned on his heel and left.
She still stood there, watching the three kids play. Maybe he is right.... maybe I am too serious. She quickly convinced herself otherwise. But the thought still lingered...
It was nice to see Nina adjusting so well. She was happy, healthy and safe. James certainly was keeping his promise to care for her as though she was his own. It hurt though to see her play with James the way they used to play. And it hurt when she didn't even notice her.
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Starting from the beginning. I think a little bit of background about where the people are traveling to and why, would bring a lot more clarity to the piece. The relationship between James and Kira struck me as strange. They’re supposed to be close enough that he comes to get her at an airport, which is always an ordeal, yet he doesn’t seem very glad to see her. The history they have should unfold over the course of the story, not all at once. Page 5 and seven repeat the same scene, where James grabs her when she comes out of the bathroom. The main advice I could give, is to slow down a bit. Dissect each part of the story, and concentrate on that part. As if each scene, each dialogue, is a story unto itself. It could be a good story. Tell it. Write as a reader.
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Comments: I like the tone of this piece. I can really hear the character’s voice through the narration. Especially in the beginning when it talks about the plane ride. Your dialogue is also really good too. It sounds like people actually talking, not forced.
Suggestions: Character wise, I only get the good sense of who a person is with Kira. A little I get also about Mia. I think this is because of two reasons, one the POV is very strongly Kira and two this is just the beginning of the story. I think by the end of the fifth part of your story, the readers will know the characters. Here are a few lines that need work:
(literally)- I would delete this. Normally reader skip over anything in () and you adding literally literally gives a very young writer feel to it.
“Well, do I get a hug, or are you too high and mighty for that now?”
– who says this? Even though your dialogue is really good, I have a really hard time trying to figure out who says what in your piece. Adding simple tag lines like he said she said really will help your piece. I know it sounds repetitive, but it keeps the reader focused. You can also try some action tag lines in the beginning of your dialogue that hints to who said what without ending the dialogue with, he said…
“WHAT???!” You need to decide which punctuation you want. This ? is very blogging/txting lingo t hat an agent will look at and quickly discard your piece.
Lisa smiled sympathetically—how did she smile sympathetically? You are telling us not showing us. Did she barely crack a smile and nod? How?
First, it’s a good construct for being only 17 years old. It shows the potential that you could write something very interesting. That being said, it’s possible to make a much improved second draft.
“Kira stepped out of the airplane into the Hot, muggy summer air. She didn’t like it.” The first thoughts should be captivating, and a few of these thoughts could be combined for more of a punch.
An example would be, “When she exited the air-conditioned comfort of the plane, Kira was struck by an oppressive humidity that forced an involuntary scowl.” This way you don’t have to actually say, “she didn’t like it.” And the action of that first hook is important. You action is that she “stepped.” So make that action an action that wakes you up. When heat touches you it can burn, strike, blanket, oppress and other actions that give a real sense of what you mean without having to use the adjectives hot or muggy. Mia was done better as she “threw” herself which makes for a great visual
(You don’t smell stress).
The construction is pretty good. Just like the initial paragraph, it will help the entire work to greatly to focus on the actions rather than the descriptions of those actions.
And you are right about there being a lot of characters, which is fine. However, if they interact too much, without personal development it feels like random events are taking place. You want the reader to not only get through the passage but to really want to get through the passage. What will do that is a definite conflict that creates a tension, and raises interesting questions. Plot is the hardest thing to do right, and I think you have one, but voicing it in a manner than has definite, pressing conflict will give your story the punch you intend it to have.
Hot, muggy summer air
hot
In fact, the only thing she could smell was exhaust and stress- it was so heavy, (add a comma here)
it made her want to gag.
Great description here!
She knew, she googled it
She knew; she’d Googled it.
bust throw themselves
I like “throw” here…
Meanwhile, in the van, Jordan was having NO fun.
Not sure if this viewpoint transition is necessary. I’m not sure we really need to know what’s going on in the van at this point. The transition to Jordan’s viewpoint and then back to Kira’s is so quick it kind of threw me off a little bit.
“sorry.”
“Sorry.”
As soon as he exited the room, he grabbed her and pulled her into
Was she dreaming the first time this happened? It’s kind of unclear…
I like the characters, but I feel like there are way too many characters (and viewpoints) being introduced in this first chapter. It made it a little confusing for me and a bit hard to follow. I’m also confused about some of the character’s ages…mainly Kira and James. I’m guessing Kira is over 16 because of this, but I’m not sure:
“Anyways, she’s only 16. There’s a lifetime for her to be serious. Now YOU….. You want to be serious.”
I’m also confused about what the relationship is between Kira and the “kids” and James. How do they know each other?
Overall, good characters. I like Kira—she seems to be strong willed. However, I think you can work on refining the plot and determing whose viewpoint(s) this story will be told from.
Here’s the deal, your writing style is unique, and that is a good thing. For a start, the characters seem well developed, even though I’m not really sure about the plot just yet. Most of the problems I had with this was with the errors, and those are fixable. To start, always write out numbers as words. You probably didn’t do it in your school papers, so you shouldn’t do it in your writing.
The part where they pulled off for Kira to go to the bathroom, I was confused after the first part because I didn’t know that you had changed perspectives from Kira to James. I thought I was reading a part that I had read before. Also be sure you start each new person’s dialog with a new paragraph. Every time a new person speaks, you should start a new paragraph. I think I only saw that once. Use only one punctuation mark in your sentences.
“That time together, those moments of pure bliss… he hadn’t felt like that in a long time. The feeling that he needed to care for someone like she would break if he wasn’t there to hold her.” You should consider rewriting this. It doesn’t look grammatically correct. The last sentence needs more, and it didn’t seem complete when I first read it, even though it looked better when I reread it.
Don’t stop writing. I think I made a lot of the same mistakes when I first starting writing. I think that you have a good thing going here.
Not bad! Very good spelling & grammar, though I’ve included a few instances that should be redone. You have very good characterizations, but I’d like to see a little more of their personal thoughts, rather than just have the narrator tell me what they’re thinking. This would probably help clarify the scene at the rest stop. You tell the story from both points of view, but it is a bit confusing. It seems as if there are two different scenes in which the same thing happens. And yes, there ARE a lot of characters, but you do well in establishing them.
Pg 1. “She knew, she googled it” Use past perfect tense instead & capitalize Googled and throw in a semicolon. “She knew; she had Googled it”
“She was had just flown 1,000 some miles…” Oops! Was had? Also, try “a thousand-some miles.” Hyphenate. Try to avoid using integers in stories.
“was that dear friend, though… if you asked” Why is there an ellipsis in this phrase?
“pushed thru security” Are we rationing letters? Use “through”. LOL. Also, “thru” is used more times than this. Spell it properly in each case, please.
Pg 2. “could almost taste the static tension in the air.” The imagery in this is erratic. You don’t taste tension. “Static tension” isn’t really an effective phrase. Try rewording this or use a different image altogether.
“Except, with more hair.” No comma.
“Kira was so glad that the girls were polar opposites.[...]
She finally got to James, but she was so unsure of what to do, so she just stood there.” Too many “so’s”.
”...for awhile, kay?,” he then turned to Jordan.” Should be 2 sentences.
”...the scent of him, was driving…” No comma.
Pg 7. “Here goes everything…...” An ellipsis is only 3 dots.
“WHAT???!” Same thing; punctuate with ?! instead of too many marks.
Pg 10. “Was probably just airport security.” Incomplete sentence.
Pg 11. ”...know you to well.” Should be “too much”. Make sure to pay attention to to, too and two.
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