Flash Fiction / Selling by the book.

"Looking into the sea, he made last farewell and went home."
"Wait. What is it?"
"What?"
"It's the end. Is it not?"
"Yes."
"But where is the story?"
"You wanted a short story, didn't you?"
"Yes, but…
"But what?"
"It's not a story. It's just the ending. There is no story here."
"If it wouldn't be a story, why would he make a farewell then?"
"Well. If you put it this way, maybe you are right."
"Of course I am right. And now to our business. As I've told you already a story, and I know your name, Bill, isn't it?"
"Arthur."
Whatever. But as I went through all the stages of good sell, would you buy this car?"
"I have to think, to speak with my wife."
"I want to understand, do you too behave by the book?"
"Yes. I shouldn't buy immediately."
"Very well then. What is written in your book about what I have to do now?"
"There is nothing about you. There is a client and a seller."
"Okay. My name is a seller."
"Ah, then you should convince me -- Oh! Don't shake me so stroooong! And don't beat me on the head with this jack. I agree. I will buy."

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Reviews

July 15, 2009

Fenvy

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
207	79.7% (64 votes)	39.9%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
21	M	LA, CA	November 10

Fenvy reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Overall, it’s a good try. Watch your grammar. Some articles are still missing and make it “bumpy” to read. I sense a little jab at the flash fiction genre throughout and an innuendo at the end. The very last line is childish and doesn’t read as strongly as the beginning 11 lines. The rest to the end should have some description of the envronment, I don’t get a sense of that. The dialogue is, of course, simple, but it doesn’t seem to go anywhere and is confusing. Who is who? I don’t know if that’s on purpose, but, if so, good on you. Good luck.

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July 14, 2009

gemglitter

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
387	87.6% (145 votes)	45.9%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	F	United States	October 22

gemglitter reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Comments: I do like the fact the different stages this piece takes the reader. From almost believing you the writer are talking to us the reader, to the salesman talking, to the ending. I think it adds a dimension to the piece, especially with such a short one.

Suggestion: After reading this piece several times, I still don’t get the sense of what was the aim of your piece. I know a slight sense of confusion must have been your aim, however, a central point should be felt. Perhaps making the last sentence, or ending scene less comical. I get the image of the seller beating the “buyer” in almost a cartoon way. If you want to threaten him, do it differently. Because beating with a jack will knock the man unconscious, except in a cartoon. Or maybe have the seller after the description of the beatings with the ending line “Will you buy the car now?”