u r the tops mir – compliments cumming from u are greatly appreciated !!! thank you so much !
Poetry / Take Me ! (Analysis)
Take Me !
Let thy sword upon me crash
Arrows upon me fall,
That I shall be slain , Alas !
From thy heart , that thralls
Me every moment's pang
Every single breath ,
Why thy kisses , kiss me not ?
Take me ! Take me !
Death .
~~~~~~~~~~~~
ew
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
avkoshy reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
the last line spoils it for me
it explains
take, take me
now
would be more powerful as far as i am concerned
- add/view comments (1)
Carabella reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The poignant longing expressed in this verse is almost tangible. I love the medieval feel, a favorite time of mine in history. As always, reading your poetry makes me want to read more.
I disagree with some that stated “Death” should have been more developed upon. The single word to me, was more expressive than 10 lines denoting the same idea.
I do agree that perhaps ‘sword’ and ‘crash’ could be better phrased, but until someone pointed that out, it never occurred to me.
Good work! I look forward to reading much more. It was thoroughly enjoyed.
prettyladykatt reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I am not sure if the “ew” at the end was meant to be initials of the author, because there is the dashed lines breaking it apart from the rest of the poem, but if it is meant to be the word ew, as in gross, then that line sticks out badly and confused me.
Other than that, this poem is good, the use of old English was used effectively and I can picture someone like a knight about to go to battle and his “fair lady” has denied him a kiss for good luck.
Keep up the good work.
uhlexis reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Simple and insanely tragic, but hmm beautiful?
I like the way it’s written, just the concept, it’s very bare and open for any kind of comment. Not sure if I’m making sense, however I like this…
landon_ap reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Powerful. I sensed the writers anger. I like the accent to this, it seemed to keep me intrigued.
Marrianeelizabeth reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
while the topic is somewhat grim, it is something which most can relate to. however, the clarity with which is it relayed can be improved upon. for example: “me every moment’s pang” is this a pirate speaking? also, the rhythm is slightly off. normally, i’m not particular about the rhythm, but this poem is so close to having one, that the reader immediately attempts to put one to it, and gets frustrated when it doesn’t work, thus detracting from the writing itself. perhaps words could be added or subtracted to help. for example: “Let thy sword uponme crash/ and thy arrows upon me fall/ that I shall be slain, Alas!/ from thy (beating/frozen.. something with two syllables) heart, which thralls… perhaps you get the idea. another hint is that poetry is not required to rhyme, it almost seems as if you’re attempting to force it to rhyme. go for clarity, if it rhymes, that’s a bonus.
CraziChick reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I really like this. It seems to be written in old timy English, like Shakespear. I like the concept. The word choice was interesting. I like how it was like you were sommining objects to kill you, willing to die. It would be better if the reader was able to tell why this peson wants to die. It would be easier to understand.
Tattered_and_Torn reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I don’t quite understand why you put ew at the end. Like, the entire poem was great and wonderfully written, but you putting ew just kind of broke the feel and ruined it.
“From thy heart , that thralls” I think with the context you used this line with the line after it, it could sound better with ”...that which thralls me every moment’s pang”
Overall this is very good and I found it hard to find much fault in it. Great Job.
Cherai reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I like the comparison between the heart and the sword and the arrows and kisses. With this logic, I’m reading death to be love, or some sort of affection. The suggestive title really works with the poem. I love the diction, but I’m confused about the spaces between the last words and the punctuation marks. I think it could be reworked for clarity, while I got that reading, I had to read the entire poem a few times to understand it, which is perfectly fine, but some of the wording such as “Why thy kisses , kiss me not ?” is confusing.
Jocelynn4909 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This was short, Yet got to the point quickly.
I think if you tweaked it a bit this would be a very fine piece.
Showing 1 - 10 of 39
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Item Stats
GENERAL
39 Reviews 65 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 28 days ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 264 Times
Skipped: 15 Times
Ratings & Rankings
