Abstract, yes but the but the answer to her is in the poem. Poems are abstract. The implicit mixed with the explicit. Perhaps if you had read more than 50% of it you may have gotten it better. Sandi
Poetry / Until It's Light She Dances Version 10 (Analysis)
A balmy summer
Warm wind stirs through the branches
A sharp whisper at dusk
Through fractured blinds
Night etches out precious light
I, a prisoner of the darkness
Languish beneath ragged covers
Seeking the sights and
Sounds of strangers
A mingling of carefree shadows
Acting as though Night is a gift
I, a fissure in the sidewalk
Where rain puddles stagnant
Moons silvery reflection on the water
Soft platinum light refracting
On elongated trees
Limbs stretching and twisting
Like little curled fingers
Grasping at nothingness
A warm wind soothes
The bare arms of the strollers
Pink bloom of the rose wind kissed
Leaves rustle and break the silence
A winters bitter gale
Wistful eyes peeping
Through a little crack
A glimpse through barren trees
A snowy blue landscape
A night fairy,
gliding across the surface
of a Frozen pond
Beneath a pale moon
A trick of the light
A girl, the lure of death
Or perhaps life
Not of flesh and blood
A thing of beauty
A ballerina of the dark
long, pale legs spinning on
On a sea of white
“Night! My enemy
How cruel to send
This visage to me
I, a prisoner of the shadows”
My hand raised in recognition
But she ignores me
My life An endless stretch of time
A clock with no hands to measure
Darkness, a drawn curtain of obscurity
Seen through a sun brittled blind
A reflection of self
Pale hair falling on white shoulders
Spinning on a circle
Of winking jewels
A pirouette in ode to the night
My soul like the ice
Crystals on the trees
A land of glass shimmering
Underneath radiant moon
I, languish beneath filthy covers
Life melting away
Like a snowflake on water
I curse all nocturnal creatures
I long to slay my own dragon of fear
I, a watcher of shadows
She mocks me,
She a reflection of myself
in life
Spinning on a circle of broken glass
She dances and dances.
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avkoshy reviewed Version 4 -
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it needs a lot of work
i would cut out every unnecessary word, line, punctuation
because it reads like and is prose otherwise
Where rain puddles stagnate
Moon’s silvery reflection on the water
i could correct and correct like that
make it tight and taut
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eyeronik reviewed Version 4 -
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I like how this is abstract yet familiar. I think that makes it relatable to a lot of people.
I don’t like that the person you speak of is so abstract. I would like to see her have more of an identity. I would like to know way more about her.
Overall this is a great poem. I really like it a lot. Its one of the better ones I read here and for me it was really hard to find anything to offer as constructive criticism but these are my thoughts.
l13dj13 reviewed Version 4 -
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It’s very thought inspiring (i think that is the right word to use here) It is a beautiful poem… I loved it all round. thanks!
Don_sherwood reviewed Version 4 -
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this is a very good peice. your imagery here is just remarkable. The flow of the piece is also pretty astounding.
The only thing I would say is if your going to use punctuation, then you need to use punctuation. Here you have some places that are punctuated and some are not. If you don’t want to use punctuation then don’t use any at all. I personally try to use my punctuation as a place to go to the next line. Like a period after a sentence, or a comma after a long independent phrase. This also might increase the length of a few of you lines and give it a slower tone. With short choppy lines it can sometimes feel rushed and confusing.
I hope this helps, again overall a very good peice with powerful imagery.
dragonshaker reviewed Version 4 -
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What an enchating crafted piece of poetry subtle hints of a magical world which only exists in the wilds of our imagination,you incorporate so many splendid thoughts and inspirational passages here it would not do them justice to mention one or two, i love the flow of the verses which flow like the mississippi river serenely and effortlessly making it a dream to read for the reader.
I think little ones of a very young age would welcome this kind of bedtime philosophy in your world anything can happen and love is a splendid thing perhaps a wonderful colour and the birdsfly whisper to a scream.
If i was to describe this poem in one word it would no doubt be ENCHANTING like the creator of this majestic piece.
KindredSpirit reviewed Version 4 -
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Most of the imagery is beautiful, “Moons silvery… trees,” I found some a bit contradictory. You have elongated trees… stretching, which suggests length/extending, and then curled fingers to describe those long limbs which I feel suggests shortening/flexing, opposite of extending. Might this possibly be the first comparison to a dancer instead of fingers – ‘Limbs stretching and twisting like stationary dancers?’
Pink bloom line is pretty but somewhat obscure because I don’t know if it refers to the strollers or leaves.
Love the second section, so very poetic in its simple description whereas the other sections felt busy.
Love how you wove in the image of a spectral ballerina gliding on the pond. Nice!
After “But she ignores me” I feel much of the next section can be cut or at least refocused in one area which is – she is a reflection of yourself. Anything extra is excess (my interpretation) such as, “My life… brittled blind,” and “A land… covers,” but keep the wonderful ice, crystal, glass imagery.
Wouldn’t last line be “I dance and dance” if you are the reflection spinning?
All in all I enjoyed this poem.
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 4 -
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There are many elements that work beautifully in this poem. The lines are brief and emphatic so that the reader is not given too much to chew upon but just enough to vet out the visuals being rendered.
Here are some turns of phrase I enjoyed:
V1:
Through fractured blinds
Night etches out precious light
Languish beneath ragged covers
Seeking the sights and
Sounds of strangers
V2:
Wistful eyes peeping
Through a little crack
A glimpse through barren trees
V3:
A clock with no hands to measure
Darkness, a drawn curtain of obscurity
Seen through a sun brittled blind
I think what fails this poem are the use of too many metaphors:
nature – branches of a tree
she/her – ballerina? subject of the poem? The ‘I’ mentioned in some lines?
time - passing of seasons and aging
rather than sticking with one consistent theme and metaphor the reader is taken all over the place from a balmy stroll on a summer evening to a ballerina skating on a frozen pond (at least that was my interpretation). If it is the passage of time we are after give us one window with the same fractured blinds, one tree, the same streetpost and show us how painful the passage of time looks and feels through those contained images.
If you look at the lines I most enjoyed from the three verses there is a common theme, thread…peeping through blinds. Focus Focus! your imagery and metaphor and I think this could be a resounding piece.
CatieRussatano reviewed Version 4 -
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This poem drew me in at the first line, I loved how well you wrote this. It gave me chills reading it!
skip2mylou reviewed Version 4 -
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I think this poem has some truly gorgeous moments: “mingling of carefree shadows,” “soft platinum light,” “sun-brittled blind.” The lyricism of the poem is clear evidence of your ear for musicality and the speaker’s voice is consistent throughout, remaining soft, quiet. However, there are a few kinks you might like to work out – for instance, several of your adjectives to describe objects and states read as cliches. I’ve heard “silvery” to describe moonlight more times than I can count (and, in fact, with that particular line, I think you could lose “silvery” all together and have it just read: “Moons reflection on the water/Soft platinum light refracting…” – much more original). There are several other descriptions you have that follow in the same vein and carry with them the same problem. “Clock with no hands” is also an overused metaphor. All in all, though, a lovely effort and very good for a draft. Your poem reminds me vaguely of Denise Levertov and as I always like to tell aspiring poets to read plenty of contemporary poetry (unless, of course, you just write for yourself – then I guess it doesn’t matter as much), I highly recommend her work to you. And I hope to see further drafts in the future. Good luck!
SM_Worsey reviewed Version 4 -
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I like the mood of this piece and the subject matter, but suggest that you beware of repetition. ‘Trees’, ‘water’ and ‘moon’ all recur several times.
I also found that the ‘summer’ part didn’t flow automatically into the ‘winter’ part. I found myself wondering ‘why summer in this bit?’ and ‘why winter in this bit?’ If summer is being contrasted with winter, I think the two parts could be linked better.
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