Wow, I’m glad you like it. I wasn’t sure how good it was.
Yeah, the plan is for Tya to realize (the hard way) that she needs to work with Jani.
Thanks for the review.
Action Adventure / Tya Kimball's story Chap. 6
Tya and Jani went back to the station and were cheered when they stepped into the building. A lot of people were calling Tya and Jani heroes for getting the hostages out alive. Tya didn’t feel like a hero and she really wanted to go home. So she let Jani tell everyone the story while she went to her office to change clothes.
Carmen came into her office while she changed. “Tya, I need to talk to you.”
“You can hear the story from Jani,” Tya replied wearily, buttoning up her shirt. “Right now, I’m just tired and ready to go be with Antwon.”
“Yeah, about that…Antwon was here.”
Tya stared at Carmen. “He was? You told him I was out on break, right?”
“Uh…well…he said he came to surprise you since it’s your anniversary. And I did tell him you had stepped out of your office for a moment. But then a radio transmission came in about the hostage crisis and…Antwon heard your name mentioned.”
Tya froze. “He…he knows I was the agent handling the hostage situation?”
Carmen nodded. “I didn’t know what to say. I just told him to talk to you about it. But…when he left, he looked really angry.”
Tya closed her eyes. She had been afraid of this, and now it’d happened. Antwon knew the truth. Was there any way she could make up a lie to get herself out of this one? No, she better tell him the truth now and get it over with. Otherwise he would find out later and know she’d lied to him again. Maybe he would forgive her. It was there anniversary after all. Or maybe not anymore, depending on how furious Antwon was with her.
“I just wanted to give you a heads up,” Carmen said. She put a hand on Tya’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry he found out this way.”
“It’s okay. You were always telling me to tell him the truth. I guess you were right. I just thought maybe Antwon and I could spend our anniversary in peace, then I would be able to tell him myself.” Tya sighed. First the badly ended hostage situation, now this. Could her day get any worse?
As Tya drove to Antwon’s house, she dreaded what would happen when she got there. She didn’t want to see how much damage had been caused. It was all her fault if things ended up badly. She should’ve told the truth from the beginning.
Tya had expected to run into Antwon’s arms as usual, but instead she’d have some explaining to do. She desperately needed to be held by Antwon after the day she’d had, but only God knew what would happen between them now.
Tya didn’t want to end up at her destination, but at the same time she was anxious to arrive. When she pulled into the driveway of Antwon’s house, her heart was beating rapidly. She’d never been so nervous to talk to the man she loved.
Tya went up to the door and rang the doorbell. She didn’t know how to prepare herself for what would happen. She didn’t have time to anyway, because the door opened in half a minute.
Antwon stood in the doorway, looking down at her. No, he was glaring down at her. Yes, he was definitely pissed off. Tya knew not to expect a kiss or hug from him. She felt deeply saddened by that.
“Hi, Antwon,” Tya greeted cautiously. “Carmen said you came by the station to surprise me. I think we need to talk.”
“You have time to talk?” Antwon inquired. “Shouldn’t you be out chasing bad guys, Agent Tya Kimball?”
Tya cringed at the coldness in Antwon’s tone. He’d never been so angry with her before. “I know I have some explaining to do. Can I come in?”
Antwon stepped aside to let her through the door. Tya walked in. Usually she loved being in Antwon’s house, with its African animals theme and homey feeling. But today she felt out of place, like she had no right to be there.
Tya didn’t feel like sitting on the leopard-spotted couch, where she and Antwon had once made love, so she remained standing. “So…now you know that I’m a field agent, not a desk clerk.”
“How long?” Antwon asked. “How long have you been lying to me?”
Tya looked at the floor. “I’ve been an agent for four years now, so I’ve kept the truth from you since we met two years ago. But I told you the truth about working for the FBI.”
“But I thought you sat behind a desk all day, every day. I didn’t know you came face to face with dangerous criminals on a daily basis!”
Tya wanted to correct him by saying she didn’t encounter criminals every day, but she didn’t see how it would help the situation much, so instead she said, “When we first met and I told you I worked for the FBI, you assumed I worked in the safety of an office, so I decided to let you think that. I didn’t want you worrying about me every time I went to work.”
Antwon thought. “So that female FBI field agent who took down the suspects from the jewel heist and escaped the exploding museum, that was you?”
Tya nodded, staring down at the floor. She heard Antwon sigh miserably.
Tya said, “I’m so sorry you found out this way. I know I should’ve told the truth from the beginning, and I’m sorry for that too. It hurt for me to let you believe in a lie every day. I swear, I wanted to tell you the truth so many times.”
“Then why didn’t you?” Antwon asked.
“Because I was afraid of what you would think. I was afraid you wouldn’t accept what I really did at the FBI. I didn’t want to risk losing you. I love you so much, Antwon.” Tya reached out for him, but Antwon pulled away from her and walked over to sit on the couch. Tears blurred Tya’s vision.
“I can’t believe you, Tya,” Antwon said, shaking his head. “It’s not that you’re a field agent that bothers me, it’s the fact that you made me believe in a lie for so long. I trusted you. I thought you trusted me too.”
“I do!” Tya said, sitting down beside him, but not too close. “I trust you with all my heart.”
“Then why couldn’t you trust me enough with the truth? You really think I wouldn’t have been interested in you because you’re a field agent? Of course it would’ve been hard to know you risked your life every day, but I wouldn’t have loved you any less. I didn’t fall in love with you because you were a desk clerk. I fell in love because of the kind of person you are.” Antwon couldn’t look her in the eye. It killed Tya to see how much this was hurting him.
A tear streamed down Tya’s cheek. “I know. I was going to tell you the truth.”
“When? In a month? Next year? After our five-year anniversary?!?”
“I wouldn’t have waited that long. I was going to tell you tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow. So you wanted to celebrate our two-year anniversary, then you were going to break the truth to me. I guess that excuses the lie you told. I should just forget this whole thing, right?”
Tya wiped her face. “I know you’re angry, but I truly am sorry. I love you with all my heart and I never meant to hurt you.”
Antwon let out a small laugh. “You’ve been lying since we first met and you never thought it would hurt me when I found out? Do you know how it feels when you discover the person you tell all your secrets to has kept a big secret from you themselves? When the person you trust and love most in this world has been lying to you? I don’t know who you are anymore, Tya.”
Antwon’s words made Tya’s heart wrench. Desperately she said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? Just tell me what I can do to fix this. I’ll do anything you want me to.”
“You know what I want you to do? I want you to leave.”
“I…I don’t want to leave you alone.”
“I need some time to myself, Tya.”
“But what does this mean for us?”
“I don’t even know if there is an ‘us’. I don’t know how there ever was with this lie between us.”
“Please don’t say that! I love you more than anything, Antwon. I need you in my life. I can’t lose you.” A steady flow of tears were running down Tya’s cheeks now.
“Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you lied.” Antwon stood and opened the door. His face remained impassive as he said, “Goodbye, Tya.”
Tya also stood and went up to him. “Please, don’t let this come between us.”
“I didn’t. You let this come between us the first time you lied to me. Please go.” Antwon stared at the floor, waiting for Tya to leave.
Tya didn’t want to leave. She wanted to stay there and beg for his forgiveness. But the last thing she wanted to do was make matters worse, so she would respect his wishes. Maybe he did need to be alone to take it all in, then maybe his anger would die down and he’d eventually get over everything. Tya would refuse to believe their relationship was over.
“Okay, I’m going. I will never forgive myself for hurting you. I love you, Antwon. Goodbye.” Tya walked past him and out the door.
She slowed her pace when she reached the porch, wishing Antwon would tell her not to go. To come back. To stay with him. She wanted him to put his arms around her and say he’d forgive her.
But instead, the door closed behind her. And all was silent and dreary as Tya left behind the person who mattered the most to her in the world.
* * * *
So Tya’s anniversary was spent by herself at home, eating a bowl of orange sherbert as she stared blankly at the TV, crying. If someone had told her last week that her two-year anniversary would be spent like this, she would’ve laughed in their face. Laughing was the last thing she felt like doing now.
Carmen came over to console Tya that evening.
“Oh, Tya, you look awful,” Carmen said sympathetically.
“I feel awful,” Tya said dolefully. “Now I know how emotional pain is worse than physical pain.” She dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.
“Antwon didn’t break up with you, so that’s a good sign, right?”
“I don’t know. He said he doesn’t know if there is an ‘us’ anymore. That’s close to saying he doesn’t want us to be together.”
“But he still loves you, so maybe he’ll be willing to forgive you once he realizes he misses you.”
“I broke his trust in me. I don’t know how he’s ever going to believe anything I say ever again.”
“If you two are meant to be, you’ll get past it. Just don’t give up, okay?”
“Okay.”
Carmen hugged Tya, then changed the subject to her own dating problems to get Tya’s mind off Antwon. It worked for a while, but there was no way Tya would get a moment’s peace from thoughts of Antwon for more than an hour.
Tya didn’t see Antwon again for three more days. She tried to call him, but he never picked up his phone. She didn’t dare go to his house. But she began to worry if she’d ever see him again.
Then he showed up to her house on a Saturday. Tya was so surprised by his arrival, she didn’t really believe he was there at first. She stared at him with a confused look on her face.
“Hi, Tya,” Antwon said. “I’m here because I needed to say this to you in person. I won’t stay long.”
Tya let his words sink in. He wasn’t staying long. That wasn’t a good sign, right?
“Okay. Come in,” Tya said, walking away from the door. She waited in the living room while Antwon came in and closed the door. He walked closer to Tya, leaving two feet of space between them. It took everything Tya had not to throw herself across that gap and into Antwon’s arms. It had been three days without the feel of his body against hers. Three days without his kisses, three days without hearing him say he loved her. It felt like it had been three years.
Antwon took a deep breath and started. “I know you’ve been trying to contact me, but I wanted a few days of alone time to think about you and me. I thought about everything we’d been through together and all the times we spent together. Through all those times I realized I never really knew who you were. You’re a field agent, but worse than that, you’re a liar.”
Antwon paused. Tya felt like each of his words were a stab in the abdomen. She didn’t want him to go on. She could already foresee what was coming.
But Antwon continued, and this time he looked straight in to her eyes, “Tya, as much as I love you, I can’t be with someone I don’t trust. So…I guess this is goodbye. For good.”
Tya felt a stinging pain in her chest, in her heart. So this was why people called it being heartbroken. Tya felt her heart had literally cracked in two pieces. She closed her eyes and could feel the waterworks starting.
“So it’s over, just like that?” Tya squeaked, her voice wavering.
“It’s for the best. I just can’t do this anymore. I feel like I don’t know you.”
Tya didn’t want to give up on Antwon. “I’m still the one you fell in love with. Nothing has changed.” She stepped closer to him, staring into his brown eyes as her own blurred with tears. “Please, don’t do this. I swear on my life that I’ll never lie to you again. Just give me one more chance, Antwon.” She knew she was begging, and she almost felt she would get on her knees if she had to.
“Tya, you had so many chances to tell me the truth, but you didn’t.”
“But…I love you. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I do you. You’re the most important person in my life. How can you just give up on us?”
“How can I have an intimate relationship with a liar?” Antwon countered. “I need to be able to trust you, and I can’t do that now.”
“We can work on it. I’ll build your trust in me. I think we can get past this if you at least tried.”
“Tya…I’m sorry. I have to go now.” Antwon turned away from her and opened the door.
“I thought you loved me,” Tya called to his back.
“That’s the saddest part,” Antwon said without turning to her. “I do. But love isn’t enough.” He grabbed the doorknob.
“Antwon, please don’t--” As Tya stepped towards him, the door shut in her face. And Antwon was gone. Forever.
Tya felt herself sinking. She fell onto her knees, sobbing. She’d lost the love of her life, the one she’d hoped maybe she could spend the rest of her life with in the future. Now he was gone, and didn’t seem to be coming back.
Tya felt incomplete. A huge part of herself had went out the door with Antwon. Suddenly the world seemed like a cold, terrible place, and there was no escaping the darkness that began to engulf her.
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JeanJefferies reviewed Version 1 -
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Antwone is such a douche, but I understand why he left. I’m glad you wrapped this storyline up early, because it was dragging the character down for me. I like your plot..it’s kind of by the book, but you’ve created interesting characters. Your only challenge is to avoid the cliches please…this was a dramatic but it’s been done before. I enjoy reading this but really want you to amp it up.
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CraziChick reviewed Version 1 -
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OMG this is just…fantastic as always. Great fallow up for the previous chpt. A definate unexpected twist for Tya. The dialogue represents the emtion well. I’ve read all of your chapters and this is an excellent continuation of them. It was extremely surprising. I never thought things would end that way. Good work. It was engaging and perfect as always. Maybe now that her relationship is over she’ll become closer with Jani? That would also be an interesting twist.
Fantabulous work, best of luck!
RavenJake reviewed Version 1 -
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You have some pretty effective dialog and some interesting characters. There are a few ways to bring out the strengths of your story. Here are a couple of things that I think may help out the story greatly.
The mention of characters by name is out of control. There are too many instances in which people are addressed by name, both by the narrator and within the dialog. This should be reduced as much as possible so that the speaker is implied by the context of the story, and minimal mention of individuals is necessary. Currently it is a big distraction that is taking away from the focus of your story.
I understand that you have a complex bit of action between several characters, so this will take some clever engineering to accomplish.
You’re in the third person, slow it down and put some solid description to go along with your good dialog. With the complexity of character interaction, subtly and concise delivery is a must.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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Antwon’s words made Tya’s heart wrench—this would better as Antwon’s words wrenched Tya’s heart. Or wrenched at Tya’s heart. Or better still, discard “wrench” “Antwon’s words felt like a knife hetwisted in Tya’s heart”
“I broke his trust in me. More correct: ”I violated the trust he had in me”.
Your grammar is better. You just need to take a look at your word choices.
I’m glad this is panning out the way it should. Now you’ve set a situation that needs to be resolved. Keep writing.
CatieRussatano reviewed Version 1 -
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It was interesting…especially seeing the conflict between her job and her boyfriend. In fact, in that aspect, your work sounds alot like Alex Kava’s. This is really good, and I hope you continue with it.
TerJa reviewed Version 1 -
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“It was THEIR anniversary after all.”
“It WOULD BE all her fault if things ended—-”
“—-so she RESPECTED his wishes.”
“Tya REFUSED to believe their relationship—-”
“—-but there was no way Tya would get a moment’s peace from thoughts of Antwon for more than an hour.” (Very awkward, almost impossible)
(The above are a few things I noticed as I read).
As to the piece as a whole, it is a little over the top. Now maybe, since I haven’t read the first five chapters, it is just his character, but Antwon (is that the way it is spelled?) seems to be overreacting in a big way. The lie by omission is almost a standard for everyone. That is why in court they have you swear to tell the truth, and the WHOLE truth, to avoid the lie of omission.
As to the FBI itself. I think field agents are mostly in the field,often for months at a time. It seems odd to me that she could keep her secret for two whole years.
Her emotions seem real and you do a good job with dialogue. Keep writing.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Did i miss a chapter? Let me know so i can read it. I don’t see anything wrong with the title. It has grown on me like the story has.
Tya sighed. First the badly ended hostage situation,” I thought Tya and Jani got the hostages released? You might say the tension and stress of the hostage situation had left her mentally exhausted and now this…
I think you handled the part about Antwon finding out the truth very well. I could feel for both characters. But i have been reading every excerpt or have tried too and have become fond of the characters.
Nice ending. I liked the romance in this and i can see how Antwon would feel the way he does. I like how you have graduated to a more sophisticated style of writing. Now just work on making her job the FBI a little more gritty and believable. Sandi
garfocus reviewed Version 1 -
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You are a very talented writer. Your dialogue is real, your characters are substantial and you have a magnetic narrative voice. There were a couple small
semantical issue which can be easily fixed. An example is when you say on page seven “there is no way tya could get a moment’s peace from thoughts of Antwon for more than an hour”. That sentence is awkward. If you have the same talent for describing an action scene, I really think you have something. Keep up the good work.
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