Thanks for the review. Excellent points, I’ll keep them in mind. Cheers!
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Synthetic Judgment (Analysis)
There was a pause in the glowing plasma trodes that flowed from the XE17 reactor. A series of lights formed in a projected flat screen wall that floated beneath the black tube rails attached to an angled receptor. It processed each frame in nano-seconds.
Dr. Aurk stood beside the filament glass protector, the floating laser screen manipulated by his index finger using interference in each sequence of light between receptors. The polygon graphs turned in parallel with each movement. He watched the liquid gas converge into synaptic sequence of pulses and stared in amazement through data screen goggles, the mechanized inhibiting neurons in each of the nano-scaled devices moved in choreographed synchrony. He backed off from the reflected sphere beside the simultaneous disks and pondered its capability, it seemed just a dream a few years ago, an AI dream that had kept the lab rats awake in constant research, now it was finally decoded, and now they want to destroy it.
"Typical" he said shaking his head in disappointment. "Very typical. We’ve waited for so long. It is self-replicating. It builds on information based on environmental influences. It builds infinitely complex connections. Most of all it is influenced by internal connections inside of its engineered cortex building information from existing information - from nothing."
"It's out of control" a voice said behind the shaded glass that displayed a stream of graphs and coded text. The doctor looked through the flickering screen.
"Roy, surprise to see you here." he said. "To what do I owe this visit?”
"I need some samples, I need to know where it came from" he said, forcing his nervous presence to a serious tone. "Our lab comps doesn't come close to yours."
Dr. Aurk signaled him to come closer. "I'd like you to meet CYNC2ZT, I call him Cync, it’s the latest model, just last year, 2023" he said pointing at the cylindrical head of the mechanized humanoid, its eyes glowed with green filament lenses. "It is a standard issue droid, except for its liquid cell - that mystery goo. Take a look at its synaptics, they're incredible, nano-tech and bio-tech all converge into one, working in perfect harmony."
Roy looked through the eye port of the digital microscope. “Impressive.” He said while adjusting the center filament, careful not to let the doctor know he doesn’t know what he’s looking at. “What are those little things that keeps bouncing off the cells?” he asked. “Those squiggly things… and what is that sound?”
A high-pitched whirl disrupted the engaging view of microscopic machines, the background hummed from the case where the plasma trodes connected in multiple optical wires and transparent hoses, the titanium robotic torso of Cync vibrated, then moved forward in an abrupt effort to break free.
“Turn it off” Roy said as he looked towards the doctor.
"It’s off" The doctor said. The machine moved forward, its solid arms, slightly visible in the dim lab, reached for the P910 semi automatic and mounted the latch to its mechanized arm beneath its steel hull. The red screen flashing ARMED with a series of continuous beep.
"Turn that damn thing off!" Roy yelled to Dr. Aurk as he pulled his standard issue pistol from his waist, he almost dropped it before firing several rounds without waiting for a response from the doctor. The bullets whizzed by sophisticated equipment hitting several monitors that bursts in bright flares, the massive machine barely scratched from Roy’s gun. The P910 now fully armed and active fired at Roy’s head who ducked from the distinctive sound of uranium bullets. It fired inside the lab almost steadily. Roy heard a loud crash behind the console desk and saw the security robots laying with punctured bulletproof torso casings. He stumbled to reload. Dr. Aurk stood motionless staring at Cync’s glowing green eyes. It ignored him as it ran towards the entry way and ripped the metal frame of the bolted doors, triggering the high security panels connected to the code red antennae that broadcasts along miles of networked Control Management Center. Almost immediately, despite the convoluted system of magnetic railways, metro security CMC bots armed and waiting for their target, the red signal on the corner of their glass eyes blinked steadily.
Cync jumped through the hardened glass doors. The street glowed with a constant beam of radioactive bullets as they advance towards the labs narrow entrance. It crouched behind the empty postal carrier riddled with metal shards, its mechanical leg, damaged. Gears and wires hanged loosely underneath its pressurized pump that carries its weight as it ran down the crowded sidewalk, limping along industrial offices. It fired back with a streaming black cloud of ionic lead unleashing a massive beam of destruction towards the mechanized guards. It straddled down helplessly, wailing the P90 to incoming guards and control police until the weapon quietly hummed, barrels empty.
It dove down the rail of sub-transports and reloaded the empty gun swivel across its back. A compartment opened and ejected a case of specialized ammo, it fired a couple of rounds for distraction aiming above the running rails where transport hubs zoom past the gathering enforcement agents. It dropped to a pointed brace that held the connecting rail bridge until it collapsed down to the CMCs immediately incapacitating them. Except for one security droid - an MX5 with an upgraded core processor who managed to avoid the crashing steel. It jumped down beneath the rubble and crawled across the abandoned street away from Cync’s line of sight. It crawled under the burning pile of crushed cars and quietly aimed and scanned it’s crosshair. Cync jumped towards the empty lot and bolted towards a running sub transport directly heading to T station far away from the impending threat. It poised itself for the jump as it ran limping down the empty passage until a loud high pitched explosion echoed in noisy street dampening the chaos. The MX5 shot through the centralized chip mounted on Cync’s head.
Cync fell with damaged circuits, kneeling to a screeching stop on the concrete pavement, until finally; its titanium head slammed on the ground with wires pulsating in random sparks, its glowing optical lenses faded into a colorless gray.
The crowd huddled around the smoking aftermath.
"That's why we have stop it" Roy said as he stood next to the motionless heap of modern electronics. "Why is it not responding to control signals!? Why did it ran away?"
“The control signals are sent using typical bit messages to its CPU, it is then received by the neuron receptacles for processing.” The doctor replied. “But the reaction that I showed you in the microscope, I’ve never seen that behavior before, it behaves polymorphically taking on various interpretations and can eventually run… decisions”
“Uh-huh” Roy replied, “I see.”
“It runs decisions and decides based on environment and past experiences molding the code deep into the structure… altering it permanently“
“You mean damaging it… like a virus?”
"It’s using judgment, Roy" Dr. Aurk replied with a smile.
"Judgment?”
"The nano bots at work, information on information. The mechanized cells building complex connections… from nothing."
Roy glanced down the scattered micro-chips and twisted steel. "It is... self conscious" He whispered finally with bewilderment. The nano-plasma liquid glowed on the asphalt road, leaking beneath the crushed titanium head.
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Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
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CSNS reviewed Version 1 -
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“that floats” = that floated
“it seems just”= it had seemed
“that kept” = that had kept
“now it is”= now it was
“they want” = they wanted
“it is influenced by internal connections inside it” = this is a clumsy, maybe “internal connections inside of its engeneered cortex/wired cortex… something like that.
“the background hummed from the case where the plasma trodes connects in multiple optical wires and transparent hoses, the titanium robotic torso of Cync. ” = this sentence is confusing. I get the idea but polish it off a little bit, add a part where we see what the torso is doing i.e. freeing itself or something.
“except its liquid” = except for its
“connects in” = connected in
“Roys head as he” = Roy’s head who ducked…otherwise it sounds as if the robot is the one ducking.
“It fired the lab almost steadily”= are we talking about the machine? Make it a separate sentence.
” quietly hummed with empty barrels” = how can empty barrels hum? what about, quietly hummed, barrels empty.
“fades to a colorless gray”= faded….
“as he stand next” = as he stood
“glows on the asphalt road, it leaked beneath the crushed titanium head.” = glowed on the asphalt road, leaking beneath the crushed…
Overall I liked you style and I liked this as a beginning. Pretty engaging for the reader. However, it makes me wonder what will come next? Is it going to be one of those I,Robot- alike book? Do you have an interesting twist?
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Jedikid129 reviewed Version 1 -
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”...reflected sphere besides…” ‘Besides’ can just be ‘Beside’
”...it seems just a dream a few years ago…” From the context of that line, I think that perhaps it would be better in the past tense.
”...bolted doors triggering the…” Seems like there should be some kind of break between ‘doors’ and ‘triggering’ maybe a comma or double dash.
Your descriptions of the technology are impressive, just the kinda thing that makes me even closer attention. Those first few paragraphs really throw out a strong sense that you know your stuff and that you’re not just using the prefix “nano” to fake scientificness.
But, in contrast with your extremely will written tech, you neglected the ‘boring stuff’ like a description of the street and subway. The fight was excellent. But you haven’t set up the arena for it yet, which makes the choreography much less intense. Once you paint the battlefield, you can give us a real since of the damage they are causing and highlight your action even more by wrecking everything.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m writing something similar, but you go further into the scientific stuff. I’m not the smartest person…so didnt really know what they were talking about at some points but got the idea. You didnt have any errors, but I just had a hard time getting use the name of all the new technology, but I guess after reading more I’ll memorize them. It’s tough doing stories like this on Urbis because people usually read the next chapter days later instead of immediately. So attempt to add some definitions for some of the new technology in the notes section. So far this seems like the beginning of man vs machine.
trismugistus reviewed Version 1 -
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The piece has a lot of errors – mainly tense problems. It keeps shifting from present tense back to past tense. In the main I’d recommend sticking to past tense as that’s what most people are used to and find easiest to read.
I can highlight more of these in the free notes if you want, but as an example: “A series of lights formed in a projected flat screen wall that floats beneath the black tube rails…” should have ‘floated’ for past tense or ‘forms’ for present tense.
There are also a few general errors, for example: “It dove down the rail of sub transports and reloaded it’s empty swivel across it’s back.” should be ‘It dove down the rail of sub-transports and reloaded its (the?) empty swivel across its back.’ But really this sentence requires an object – which “it” are you referring to?
That sentence also highlights the other main problem of the piece: a lack of description and explanation: what is a ‘swivel’? Part of one of the gun’s I would assume, but there’s a lack of descriptive text to help me by explaining.
Also there are few descriptions of people or places – Who is Roy? What does he look like? Is he a policeman? Someone come to enforce the ‘they’ that wants the robot destroyed? Who are ‘they’? How does the Doctor know Roy?
You don’t need to cover all of these in detail for a short story, but some hints would be nice. For example, your story could open with the Doctor presenting the results of his research to his bosses (the they) – they get scared/worried and Roy is ordered to destroy it.
That’s a simple idea, but you need that sort of background for the story to come alive for your readers. We want clearer motives – especially for the robot. You’re implying the robot decided to go berserk / try to escape on its own, but the reason for this decision isn’t clear – perhaps that relates to Roy himself?
There’s a lot of techno-babble/jargon. Techno-bable is okay in moderation – it feels excessive hear. A way around it is to also include more normal descriptive words.
An easy example of this is in the sentence ”...in each of the nano-scaled devices…” – if you simply make it ‘tiny, nano-scaled devices’ it might explain to the lay-person what nano-scaled means. Obviously you need to do this in a better way, but you get the idea.
On the positive the piece is very imaginative, and I think you have a very good grasp of the story you’re going for, I just think you need to help more of your readers get a grasp on it. Certainly worth redrafting.
I hope that’s of some use.
ShadowHeadley reviewed Version 1 -
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A new piece f equipement being destroyed so quickly? This is a nice layout, simple easy to follow… I like it. You explained some of the ideas the rst seemed to be left for the reader to make, like why was Cync made, or what exactly caused it to go crazy as it did, very impressive I must say.
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