thank you muchly. I think that adding the dialogue is a wise idea.
Cheers!
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Flash Fiction / A Day to Remember (Analysis)
When Scilla broke the news to her mother the week before, she was in tears.
“No one wants to come to my birthday party,” she sobbed.
Her mother couldn’t believe that her friendly daughter already had to deal with such rejection at nearly nine years old.
“What happened, honey?”
“Everyone told their parents that Grandpa smoked in the house last year, and now none of their parents will let them come over anymore,” she said, crumpling into her mother.
Tears rolled down the mothers face. Her father-in-law had been living with them since his second wife died eighteen months ago, and with him came the heavy nicotine cloud that destroyed all the wonderful, home-cooked smells and the drapes. She begged her husband to ask him to smoke outside but he insisted that they “suck it up”.
“He has been through so much,” he had said. “He didn’t smoke until he returned from Vietnam. I don’t think I could ask him to take his closest confidant outside.”
“I’m so sorry, honey,” she said, stroking her soft blonde curls. “We’ll figure something out.”
“I hate him,” she spat out. “I wish he never came here.”
Familiar coughing from the living room indicated that he probably heard her. He might have heard it all, thought the mother.
Scilla’s mother had been planning to spoil her daughter silly this year as it would be her last ‘single-digit’ birthday and would soon be too old to spoil.
She wasn’t going to let this ruin her daughter’s day.
Scilla went about her week as though she would be eight forever. She tried her best to not think about her birthday that weekend.
Saturday morning, Scilla had her usual breakfast of yogurt and orange juice, but she refused to greet her grandfather at the table.
“Honey, I was hoping that you might help me in the garden today,” her mother said. “I need to get the seeds in soon.”
“Okay mom.” She said, keeping her head down.
In the backyard, Scilla was putting the wild Forget-Me-Nots in her hair. She knew that she would have to remove them before coming back into the house. Her grandfather hated anything that reminded him of the jungle in Vietnam. Scilla’s mother had stopped planting flowers, in favor of vegetables.
“I tilled the soil last week, but I think it’s become heavy again,” her mother said. “Before you plant those seeds, you need to dig your fingers in and loosen the soil a bit.”
Scilla didn’t have gloves and decided to use her toes instead. She was trying to grow her nails long.
After sowing a row her mother inspected the work.
“I think you skipped a section here,” she said, pointing. “Could you loosen that soil and seed it properly, please?”
Scilla muttered to herself. “Silly Scilla, silly Scilla…”
She dug her toes in deep and found a rock, she bent over to pull it out but it wasn’t a rock at all. She pulled out a tiny, change purse. She turned to see if her mother noticed it, but she hadn’t.
“Silly Scilla,” she continued, masking the sound of the opening purse to discover her treasure.
Inside, sat a small key and a beautiful locket on a silver chain.
“What are you doing?” her mother asked. “You’re spilling all your seeds.”
Scilla noticed the pile of celery seeds at her feet and wished she had a pocket to stash her findings.
“What do you have there?”
“Nothing.”
“Let me see it.”
Scilla reluctantly opened her hands to expose the old change purse in one hand, the shiny locket and key in the other. “They were in the dirt.”
Her mother smiled. “That’s pretty.”
“Can I keep them?”
“Of course,” she said. “I wonder what that key is for though. If only there was a hint inside that purse.”
Scilla dug to the sides and bottom, her eyes bugged as she pulled out a tiny piece of paper.
“What does it say?” her mother asked.
“Find the blue box and you will see more treasure waits for thee.”
Scilla looked around the yard excitedly for a blue box but only saw dirt and the cherry tree.
“I wonder what it means,” her mother said, smirking. “Let’s walk around the yard.”
Scilla expected the blue box to be buried somewhere like the purse was, so she was looking down for loose soil until she nearly tripped over the blue recycling box at the gate.
“Mom!” she said. “Does this count?”
She pulled off the cereal boxes and found a large gift at the bottom. She took the box and unwrapped it. A beautiful jewelry box with a locking door was inside. “This is what the key is for!”
“Let’s take it inside,” her mother said.
When they opened the door there was a loud, “Happy Birthday!” All the girls she had invited jumped from behind the couch.
Her grandfather stood in front. “Happy Birthday Scilla,” he said, holding a bouquet of lilies.
“I didn’t think anyone could come,” she said, confused.
“I called all their parents and explained that my gift to you was that I would quit smoking in the house.”
“Thanks Grandpa,” she said, hugging him tightly.
During the party, her jewelry box was filled with rings, bracelets and necklaces.
After the party, her grandfather gave her his dog tags.
“It’s time I let these go.”
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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‘returned from Vietnam’- this sounds very formal. I thought that a character like him would have said ‘came back from Vietnam’. But it’s early in the story. He seems a bit blunt to say the should ‘suck it up.’
‘mother’s face’- apostrophe
‘rock, she’- run-on.
‘tiny, change’- no need for comma.
‘When they opened the door’- can you take a bit more time to describe this? Let us walk through the house with her and see her thoughts.
You could make Grandpa’s quitting a bit more visual- like he throws a pack of cigarettes in the bin in front of her and slaps on a nicotine patch. Not only would this reinforce the visuals of the story but it would improve believability. Grandpa is addicted to nicotine, remember. No matter how much he wants to do right for his daughter, his body is going to want a hit. As it stands, it’s a good ending but feels like an empty promise. If he says the doctor has got him on a course of treatment, that would have more clout. Otherwise, a nice little ending. Good story.
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titanicbrittanic reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an amazing story and I saw no typos or sentences that needed to be corrected. Perhaps build on the scene where the mother realizes grandpa heard the girl complaining about him smoking indoors? That’s my only comment :)
jameswalters reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a pretty good read. The character development of the Grandpa was excellently done. I didn’t notice any grammatical errors, but I do think you ended it a little bit abruptly. Maybe you could include more detail as to how the mother and grandfather were still able to put the party together. Overall it was very good.
MacCrasik reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey :)
mothers face = mother’s
Can we make the Viet Nam issue part of the dialogue that Grandfather overhears? It might give more impact at the end when he gives up the dog tags.
I’d also like some reaction from Grandfather at the breakfast table to show that he cares about Scilla not talking to him. For the first while, I’m not convinced he gives a hoot about the smoking issue. It’s been a whole year after all. Is this the first clue he’s ever gotten from them? Seems an 8-year-old would at least drop some innocent comment and get shushed up at some point early on before she was told to suck it up.
the wild Forget = delete “the”
Instead of just telling us, how about if mom reminded Scilla that she would have to take the flowers out, etc… Makes it that much more meaningful when he hands her the bouquet.
comma after “sowing a row”
“silly Scilla” comes out of the blue. How about if her mom calls her silly so that it doesn’t seem like she’s in trouble, and that plants the phrase in Scilla’s head? You know how kids will latch onto something annoying and not let it go… lol
Happy Birthday comma Scilla
Great premise for a heartwarming little ditty. It has huger potential with a little more implied mush. Might just be me.
Cheers!
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