cool review, I’ll see what I can think of to change it… thanks much… ez
Poetry / Vigilance
I’ve risen with the sun
And laid down with the moon
I’ve overlooked an ocean
Upon a pier at noon
I’ve seen the sorrows of joy
And the happiness of pain
I’ve watched the rich soil run dry
And the desolate lands fill with rain
I’ve seen death in a lover’s arms
And the gift of life from a mother’s womb
I’ve seen life and living
And a corpse laid to rest in a tomb
I’ve seen a shooting star dash
And watched a hopeful wish come true
I’ve seen a patch of gray skies
Across my heaven’s so blue
I’ve seen historical events
Both of elation and desolation alike
I’ve seen two tremendous towers fall
From the blows of two powerful strikes
I’ve seen love blossom
And I’ve watched it wane
I’ve seen despair in separation
An endless amount of pain
I’ve seen agony in defeat
And the will to overcome
I’ve seen a new champion crowned
While witnessing an inconceivable outcome
Through my eyes I’ve seen it all
And still I wonder what lies ahead
Many more sightings to behold
Upon this lifelong path I tread
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recherche reviewed Version 2 -
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but ah ! a touch of the romantic period young man , sublime ! the classic verse is within you , keep writing and u will develop gracefully ; nice to see this type of poetry hasn’t gone by the wayside !!! very nicely crafted … read more of the classics , such as Teasdale , Millay , Byron , Poe , to mention a few , whereas , one can greatly learn and develop !
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BytesMedia reviewed Version 1 -
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A simple edit:
“I’ve seen historical events
Both of elation and desolation alike
I’ve seen two tremendous towers fall
From the blows of two powerful strikes”
Cut the above stanza. It’e the only one which makes explicit reference to an event and it destroys the lucid, dreamlike quality that the poem builds leading to it. It’s also the only stanza which doesn’t meet your rhyme scheme. (Except for the embarrasing half-rhyme of alike and strikes.) If you like it too much to cut it, re-work it or use it in something else.
jungsnkim reviewed Version 2 -
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Well everything flowed elegantly along till the very last stanza. I thought it could have a little more punch. I did like the way you’ve worked the rhyme scheme and that’s hard to do. In addition love the duality of your word choices, like in the second stanza. It is personal but very universal in whats here and that’s very good work. I would say it is publishable except for the last stanza for some reason it just doesn’t hold as much. I do realize you are basically signing your name to it in the end but that leaves the reader to expect a young person as well as less experienced that the person throughout the whole poem- a very wise one. Good luck.
sagittarius1212 reviewed Version 2 -
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The clarity, imagery, and flow all work well. Yet, the ending disconnected me.
Perhaps, try wording the last four lines in a way that bring the rest to a cumulative point rather than fading out, such as:
Through my eyes I’ve seen it all
change to: Through my eyes, all this I’ve seen
And still I wonder what lies ahead
change to: Yet, what lies ahead I can not know
Many more sightings to behold
change to: Much more to behold, until I am weaned
Upon this lifelong path I tread
change to: Forward, on thru my lesson, I go.
Just suggestions but you get the idea.
Decent work, Donna
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