Thank you.
Yep, English isn’t my first language. But no, it’s not my seconf either :-)
Flash Fiction / Smile.
I went to the nearby town.
I had a business there. An urgent business. A new client. So I agreed to meet in half an hour, entered the car and drove away.
But five minutes before the town, I saw her! Or more accurate her smile.
Just as I went into the curve in the road, I sensed something that felt as Reflection of a light beam.
I did the emergency stop and almost found my face flat on the windshield. Immediately after, I felt as though somebody threw me back into the car's chair. Then the car stopped and I dizzily looked into the mirror.
Wow! There I saw the smile! What a smile. I felt like my heart was made of chocolate and it melted. Oh la la! What a smile!
I backed slowly until I came near her legs. What legs they were!! Oh la la!
I opened the door and she slid inside.
I felt that all my heart is melt but took some air and said: "You… Your… I…"
She put her fingers on my lips and feeling wings growing on my back, I drove off with the goddess.
After three minutes, she made me a sign that she wants to walk in the forest.
After I unglued her from windshield, (emergency stops can do it, you know, especially if you are unbelted), she smiled and ran from the car, the bell style dress flapping in the wind revealing her legs up to thigh, my heart jumping trying to get out from my chest and touch those beauties.
I ran after her.
And ran.
And ran.
And Stopped!
She was peeing on the tree, standing.
STANDING!.
After three minutes, I reached my home and bolted the entrance door.
I recalled "her" smile and began hysterically laughing.
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SultryPoet reviewed Version 2 -
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I enjoyed the twist to the story. It was done a very light manner. You would think he would be angry but he just had to laugh at himself.
I wish it could have been a little more descriptive and flowed a bit better. It felt choppy in some places.
I enjoyed the imagery. My favorite lines were: “She put her fingers on my lips and feeling wings growing on my back, I drove off with the goddess.”
I suggest a bit more flow and just more description. Like what happened to the client he was suppose to meet did he give them a phone call or did he just completely forget about the client.
But nice story overall
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derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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”...did the emergency stop… though somebody throws me back…. I looked into the mirror.” Up to this point the grammatical allowances you have taken work. The staccatto delivery allows it. But the tense-shift here is jarring. Need to recast.
“Wow! There I saw …. I felt that my heart is made ….Oh la la! What a smile!”
Same tense issue, but the in-the-moment dialogue is great and fun to read.
This is good. I’m wondering if English is a second language. It feels that way due to some of your grammatical choices. No insult intended, remember we are reviewing blind.
I did have a problem with the ending. There is a light hearted touch here in your narrative and then puking seems heavy handed. Perhaps a lighter reaction.
camalonious reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the twist! Every man’s worst nighmare no? Perfect for the
flash ficiton format, short snappy and yet descriptive.
Just a couple of things to watch out for;
“somebody throws me back” – threw my back would be the normal tense, but
i can see the action is meant to be present tense, so how about “pulls me back”?
“felt that my heart is made of chocolate” and again at “I felt that all my heart is melt” – here you could just say your heart melts like chocolate, use a simile. And “felt that all my heart is melt” doesn’t make sense, melted would be
better but “felt that all my heart” isn’t needed “my heart, now melted, ....”
Nice read though.
Gavinswar reviewed Version 1 -
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Ah fun with transvestites, who hasnt had this happen to them…I mean I havent, of course maybe you, (nervous laughter) never me though.
Ok that aside its interesting, but the pacing is off, it happens to fast, no conversation occures no interaction takes place. And how did she get stuck to the windshield, I thought he was attatched not her. And the windshield doest make sense I could see bumping your head on the drivers window because you looking so intently but the front windshield if overshadowed by the dashboard and it seems inprobable.
Gavinswar
dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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That was funny. I like that. The smile that took a man’s breath away. He picks her up and when she gestures for him to stop she takes off. Then after so much running, he finds that he’s a she. Didn’t expect that. That’s great. I needed a good laugh. Thanks.
gemglitter reviewed Version 1 -
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Comments: Your descriptions, though brief, are very vivid. I thought the whole emergency stop was hilarious. Your line of Oh la la adds to the rhythm and to the story. The twist that it was a God instead of a Goddess was very amazing.
Suggestions: Why do you have “Maybe a new client”? I would just have a new client. You also too many “then” in the second fourth paragraph. You don’t even need them. Perhaps add a bit more detail in what she is wearing will add to the story in make us undoubtedly “know” she is a woman till the twist?
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