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Poetry / filled with space
From selfish needs a distraction hatches;
this childish crisis to catalyze my doubt.
Wrenching questions eroding our foundation;
as frost creeps, opaquely shading windows.
I abandon my self respect regretfully;
watching this open sore blossom.
Widely dilated my missing skin abscesses;
blisters fill up with interrupted intentions.
When I found myself infected,
by repetition I was convinced,
to be filled with only empty space,
tossed and purchased anew.
Desiring a fire for inspiration,
I light this spark to start again -
A brilliant burst between my halves;
a light vitalizing daybreak inside.
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Mineeyes reviewed Version 2 -
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I loved the imagery in this…the last 3 verses all seemed to have their own…blisters…infected…fire/light…the first was lacking. Would also recommend finding another word for “vitalizing”, it really messed up the flow and made for a weak ending. Overall really enjoyed this!
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Lillie_M reviewed Version 2 -
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Really enjoyed this, reminded me how at times we all feel helpless or lost. And even the feeling of writers block comes into this catergory. Was that the sense you were aiming for?
Love the words you chose to convey this instead of being predictable, shows a varied vocabulary and ability to fill a piece with real emotion.
I thought it had a nice, smooth rhythm and found it to be easy read overall.
Good luck for the future.
AprilWriter reviewed Version 2 -
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There are few good images that linger in my mind:
“Wrenching questions eroding our foundation;
as frost creeps, opaquely shading windows.”
“A brilliant burst between my halves;”
I liked this line for its clever use of alliteration.
this childish crisis to catalyze my doubt.
Even after several reads of the poem, I wasn’t sure what it was about. I like the way the language sounds (especially out loud) but the two main metaphors
of the narrator as a house and the narrator as a diseased body confused me/ and I wasn’t sure what the writer was getting at.
What needs are distracting him/her?
Why are they like an infection?
Why do they require the loss of self respect?
What does the narrator regret?
How is this desire resolved?
Maybe I am just missing something? I don’t know. Great use of language anyway.
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this one. Specifically, the imagery of abcessed skin and frost creeping about on windows. The figurative use of language is very strong in places, i.e. lines #2, 6 and 7. That said, there is also a good deal of mixed metaphor which I think weakens the work somewhat in the same passages. For example, the first 2 lines seem to be birth imagery while in lines 3 and 4 the appeal is to natural and destructive forces (eroding). Though birth and erosion and frost are all part of the natural world, the overall effect of the first verse is weakened by mixing, at least for this reader. For instance in lines 3 and 4 “wrenching” has a violent, “take charge” connotation while the creeping frost is a slower, more subtle process, the latter form clashing with the former.
You do a fine job of appealing to the visual and the imagery is immediate and tangible. But the use of “ing” forms at the beginning of punctuated sentences as well as in the middle (“Wrenching questions eroding our foundation” and “watching this open sore blossom”)has the effect of softening what would otherwise be very powerful writing. Lines #3, 6 and 13 would be made more forceful if you avoided this. For instance, “Desiring a fire for inspiration” could become “My desire a fire for inspiration” or something to that effect. This tactic could be tricky though because you have some fine sound combinations and a solid rhyme scheme that might be weakened or become a little too “Christmas cardy” and that’s not a good trade off at all.
Like I said at the beginning, i like this one and I think you should be proud of it. Good luck placing it.
urbanrenewal reviewed Version 2 -
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Widely dilated my missing skin abscesses, did you perhaps mean Widely dilated by missing skin abscesses? Or Widely dilated, my missing skin abscesses. As your body can’t really DO an abscess per se.
I’d fix this one line then the rest of the poem is just rather wow. Obviously you have a huge and varied command of the english language “as frost creeps, opaquely shading windows” was a really beautiful line that left me rather speechless.
Evidently you’ve been practicing poetry for quite some time, your command on rhythm and flow is to be admired, and in all lines you let it flow like a river into the next. The only line that hindered this was the abscess one, which is currently throwing off the rhythm of the rest, jump on this straight away and the rest is beautiful.
Was it about a love? Some of the lines just seem reminiscent of Used up love, and being thrown away, then finding new love again. If I’m far off track, let me know :-)
CoryPea reviewed Version 2 -
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The last two lines were great, “A brilliant burst between my halves;
a light vitalizing daybreak inside.” It was a great way to capture the rest of the feeling of your poem. I think if you experimented with some different line breaks, or possibly formatting the work a bit differently, it could make it even more attention grabbing. Your word usage was wonderful, and even your opening line was inspirational, it made me want to write… and I like that feeling.
TerJa reviewed Version 2 -
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If I got it right, this as about fighting to overcome depression. I think it does it well. The few times in my own life when I have been in a deep depression could very well mirror your first twelve lines. Nothing mattered, not self respect, the opionions of others, or even personal hygiene.
Yet, as your last four lines show, somewhere within our selves are the seeds to normalcy. The “spark” to start again.
The only line which gave me any trouble was “blisters fill up with interrupted intentions.” I don’t know what that means. How do “interrupted intentions” fill anything?
Still, a good piece. Glad I read it.
AngelRain reviewed Version 2 -
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This poem is beautiful, but it may need a bit of simplifying for others to understand. Everything makes sense but the missing skin abscessing part. Are you trying to distance yourself from your doubt or where does the empty space part come in? Is it burying emotions or pretending they dont exist? That part needs more detail.
kaffkomm reviewed Version 2 -
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Nice, you really have some compelling imagery here, like “A brilliant burst between my halves,” for example. I feel that perhaps the imagery was the most important thing for you to express here, yet, your descriptive language is what sometimes drags down the poem. Such phrases as “Widely dilated my missing skin abscesses” seem a little gratuitous, and the image of “opaquely shading windows” seems redundant to me. You have a strong idea here, I can tell, but it’s being lost in lagnuage. Try pruning a little to give the poem more message and less symbolism.
marebarr reviewed Version 2 -
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Nice. The only thing I would consider is “eroding our foundation”. Seems like it should be “the” or my, or “a”. because the rest of it is “my”.
brialliant burst is great. so is interrrupted intentions.
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