did the frost in S1 not work for you as an image, or the eroding foundation? was it the tense “ing” of vitalize that bothered you, or the word itself?
Poetry / filled with space
From selfish needs a distraction hatches;
this childish crisis to catalyze my doubt.
Wrenching questions eroding our foundation;
as frost creeps, opaquely shading windows.
I abandon my self respect regretfully;
watching this open sore blossom.
Widely dilated my missing skin abscesses;
blisters fill up with interrupted intentions.
When I found myself infected,
by repetition I was convinced,
to be filled with only empty space,
tossed and purchased anew.
Desiring a fire for inspiration,
I light this spark to start again -
A brilliant burst between my halves;
a light vitalizing daybreak inside.
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Lillie_M reviewed Version 2 -
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Really enjoyed this, reminded me how at times we all feel helpless or lost. And even the feeling of writers block comes into this catergory. Was that the sense you were aiming for?
Love the words you chose to convey this instead of being predictable, shows a varied vocabulary and ability to fill a piece with real emotion.
I thought it had a nice, smooth rhythm and found it to be easy read overall.
Good luck for the future.
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bandcupid04 reviewed Version 2 -
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I’m not entirely sure what is being addressed here, which is why I bumped down the rating a little. I found myself kind of…getting lost in the words, rather than within them. However, through the third stanza, I began to pick up a sense of knowing…of getting lost within the words.
Not by any means am I saying the poem is not good. It’s amazing. Your vocab choice is awesome, and very extensive. Just as an individual reader, I was a little lost at first. Overall though, awesome work. Keep up the great writing!
Mineeyes reviewed Version 2 -
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I loved the imagery in this…the last 3 verses all seemed to have their own…blisters…infected…fire/light…the first was lacking. Would also recommend finding another word for “vitalizing”, it really messed up the flow and made for a weak ending. Overall really enjoyed this!
dollops reviewed Version 2 -
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I read the title and think umm..what is filled with space..what kind of space..why and how much.
Scanning i get the sense of life and death or more particulary birth and death.Fed by the “hatches” in line 1,the “eroding” in line 2 the “blossom” in line 6 the “anew” in line 12 the “light this spark to start again” line 14 and “daybreak” of the last line.Contextually the daybreak in the last line (ie in the death of the poem)emphasizes this element of birth of a new hope:”this brilliant burst”.(The latter in itself a memorable alliterative image).
Emotionally,we find oursleves in a selfish act almost one of a teenager that have “childish crisis” and live their lives by distractions rather than active goals.This is not to undermine the potency of feeling as “wrenching” emphasies the deep seated import of this distraction.I am not sure about “eroding”.It slows down the opening and “opaquely shading windows” don’t seem to provide the intensity of “doubt” and “foundation”.I think this is your weakest line.
The next two verses see a shift to passiveness.Your acceptance of whatever is happening to you.You are “watching”this open sore blossom,you find yourself infected as if you are not party to the act.A sense of apathy broods in the background here.
But who is doing the convincing in line 13 you or somebody else?Who is, or what is, this other being that is interacting with you repeatedly to whom you seem to be resigned.
The last verse brings back the action.Powerful energetic action.We have the image of fire(emphasing the connotation of death and rebirth),of sparks,of bursts and vitalization.We have sudden energy here.Almost explosive.
If one has the audacity to mentally change your “halves” into “calves”,we have here a very sexual verse.And one that lends new descriptive power to the last line and re-emphasises it’s element of birth.
Whoever you are,and i haven’t read any other versions etc,but you can write and write well.Vocabularic imagery is a strength.The poem screams committment by the author.I do think one element that could be improved is your balance of pace.Try and tease the readers eye with rapid speed and stop.See?A pause..a sense of space through the magic of pace.Think not only of linking image but of linked image that control the pace too.This was my main issue.
Well done though.
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this one. Specifically, the imagery of abcessed skin and frost creeping about on windows. The figurative use of language is very strong in places, i.e. lines #2, 6 and 7. That said, there is also a good deal of mixed metaphor which I think weakens the work somewhat in the same passages. For example, the first 2 lines seem to be birth imagery while in lines 3 and 4 the appeal is to natural and destructive forces (eroding). Though birth and erosion and frost are all part of the natural world, the overall effect of the first verse is weakened by mixing, at least for this reader. For instance in lines 3 and 4 “wrenching” has a violent, “take charge” connotation while the creeping frost is a slower, more subtle process, the latter form clashing with the former.
You do a fine job of appealing to the visual and the imagery is immediate and tangible. But the use of “ing” forms at the beginning of punctuated sentences as well as in the middle (“Wrenching questions eroding our foundation” and “watching this open sore blossom”)has the effect of softening what would otherwise be very powerful writing. Lines #3, 6 and 13 would be made more forceful if you avoided this. For instance, “Desiring a fire for inspiration” could become “My desire a fire for inspiration” or something to that effect. This tactic could be tricky though because you have some fine sound combinations and a solid rhyme scheme that might be weakened or become a little too “Christmas cardy” and that’s not a good trade off at all.
Like I said at the beginning, i like this one and I think you should be proud of it. Good luck placing it.
urbanrenewal reviewed Version 2 -
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Widely dilated my missing skin abscesses, did you perhaps mean Widely dilated by missing skin abscesses? Or Widely dilated, my missing skin abscesses. As your body can’t really DO an abscess per se.
I’d fix this one line then the rest of the poem is just rather wow. Obviously you have a huge and varied command of the english language “as frost creeps, opaquely shading windows” was a really beautiful line that left me rather speechless.
Evidently you’ve been practicing poetry for quite some time, your command on rhythm and flow is to be admired, and in all lines you let it flow like a river into the next. The only line that hindered this was the abscess one, which is currently throwing off the rhythm of the rest, jump on this straight away and the rest is beautiful.
Was it about a love? Some of the lines just seem reminiscent of Used up love, and being thrown away, then finding new love again. If I’m far off track, let me know :-)
AprilWriter reviewed Version 2 -
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There are few good images that linger in my mind:
“Wrenching questions eroding our foundation;
as frost creeps, opaquely shading windows.”
“A brilliant burst between my halves;”
I liked this line for its clever use of alliteration.
this childish crisis to catalyze my doubt.
Even after several reads of the poem, I wasn’t sure what it was about. I like the way the language sounds (especially out loud) but the two main metaphors
of the narrator as a house and the narrator as a diseased body confused me/ and I wasn’t sure what the writer was getting at.
What needs are distracting him/her?
Why are they like an infection?
Why do they require the loss of self respect?
What does the narrator regret?
How is this desire resolved?
Maybe I am just missing something? I don’t know. Great use of language anyway.
CmputrAce reviewed Version 2 -
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Although I like some of your metaphors, this reads to me much like:
”On one day
in the middle of the night
”Two dead boys
came out to fight…”
I can understand the use of opposing metaphors when they ultimately illuminate the subject or feeling, but this just wasn’t clear. To make sure it wasn’t my mood or lack of concentration, I slowed down and read it over more deliberately. Some things were a little clearer, but others not clear at all.
”... watching this open sore blossom.” followed by “Widely dilated my missing skin abscesses; blisters fill up with interrupted abscesses.” doesn’t work well when it seems that the last line said it all very well. The other two lines don’t give me a better analogy than the first and last ones.
The third stanza works well until the last line, “tossed and purchased anew.” Again the metaphor is lost on me. I definitely identify with ”... infected by repetition”. Another note here, don’t let the punctuation screw up your meaning just to fit the stanza. You know the rules and that’s good. Now break them here for the sake of your reader.
“When I found myself infected
by repetition, I was convinced
to be filled with only empty space;
tossed and (bleh…) anew.” (surely there’s a better word than “purchased”)
Last stanza, second line:
When you use the phrase “I light this spark…”, the reader is expecting to be shown / told which spark. I would have used “I light a spark…” since it’s not important which spark is lit, but that you are self-revitalizing. You’re not looking outside for the spark. Small note: You don’t light a spark, you strike two objects to create a spark which then is used to ignite a fire.
Hmm, how about,
“Desiring a fire for inspiration,
I strike my halves together –
the spark ignites a brilliant burst;
a light revitalizing daylight inside.”
With a little more work, I think you have a real winner here. It’s a theme MANY of us identify with.
CoryPea reviewed Version 2 -
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The last two lines were great, “A brilliant burst between my halves;
a light vitalizing daybreak inside.” It was a great way to capture the rest of the feeling of your poem. I think if you experimented with some different line breaks, or possibly formatting the work a bit differently, it could make it even more attention grabbing. Your word usage was wonderful, and even your opening line was inspirational, it made me want to write… and I like that feeling.
TerJa reviewed Version 2 -
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If I got it right, this as about fighting to overcome depression. I think it does it well. The few times in my own life when I have been in a deep depression could very well mirror your first twelve lines. Nothing mattered, not self respect, the opionions of others, or even personal hygiene.
Yet, as your last four lines show, somewhere within our selves are the seeds to normalcy. The “spark” to start again.
The only line which gave me any trouble was “blisters fill up with interrupted intentions.” I don’t know what that means. How do “interrupted intentions” fill anything?
Still, a good piece. Glad I read it.
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