Interesting others think should be conclusion too and I am working backwards in the ideas and so it starts purposely as so. I am at an end of one journey and begin another as well but definitely needs work and inputs are being taken to heart. Thank you.
Non-fiction / First Chapter autobiography
In the years gone by and lost, I’ve found myself at crossroads over and over but still pushing forward even when the world did not want me to push. Recently, I returned to school to gain perspective and motivation for a better place in life, and I found that it is less fruitful than I had previously imagined. In all honesty, I went to prove something to myself. Perhaps to recoup the years lost but mostly because I thought it was the right thing to do and that I would not only be a better person but more fortunate one as well. After all, that is the promise of institutionalized learning and higher education. It is what separates success from failure, so they say.
From the earliest memories of my life, I had usually seen myself as fearless and a bit resourceful. Though, time and time again I am realizing that definitions of my achievements are just thin attempts or works in progress. I am consistently bombarded by life’s intrusions. It has run me into the ground on several occasions and I do manage to pick myself up and brush off the dirt and trod along. Often just standing on my own two feet would be enough to help me see there is light in the distance. However today, I am just looking for a foot in the door. Not necessarily a full invitation but a place in the world to assist in the remarkable grand scale production called life.
Therefore, it is necessary to rewind and untangle the ties that bind me. In my efforts I’ve tried to weave my own pathway to intersect like my own DNA but just like a nucleic acid molecule, I cannot remain detached from living. Although, I’ve walked dirt trails in my youth and foreign alleyways in my adulthood. I had those times, as brief as they were, when life had structure. Unfortunately, in-between those years, I could usually be found walking back and forth down solitary corridors with closed doors, ironically because they were locked. Those days were also when my heart remained closed and perhaps blocking passage to the oxygen I so desperately needed then. Within my neediness, I wanted only one love.
Once a nobody, the small sum of me makes me somebody and the part of me that’s lying can’t deny the truth. The truth is I am a certified and bonafide walking contradiction. Yet, I can’t stop being a conduit for all that I’ve seen and experienced. Over time I’ve come to accept it and embrace it because truthfully I wouldn’t be as intricately woven into the American patchwork that makes up this country if I denied my past. The future is still open to interpretation. Sadly, reality seeps in and wakens my sleeping soul for time waits for no man. For some believe the saying that time heals all wounds, I can’t help but wonder why my own injuries are still raw and bare, as if the flesh never healed but it has and what's more my injured heart has been anointed by love.
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titanicbrittanic reviewed Version 1 -
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The first line lost my interest. That is the empitamy of mundane. A strong entry line is what you really need to work on. Using worn out phrases like crossroads and pushing forward. Be original – you are an author. You are being paid to be clever. For time waits for no man? I think you can do better than that!
At the beginning of the second paragraph, you talk about earliest memories. Perhaps say, “I remember myself as a fearless and resourceful person”
Many of the things that make me not really keane on reading this are the grammatical errors; misplaced commas, like in the line following your fearless-ness and resourceful-ness. You also speak in present tense when reflecting on your life; if it has already happened, write in the past tense.
If you’d like me to run through and change all the grammatical errors for you, PM me. I wouldn’t want to waste your points with trivial details.
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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‘gone by and lost’- strange combination of words. What do you mean by this?
What did you study when you went back to school? This may indicate why you found it fruitful or not.
‘separates success from failure’- do you agree with this? I went to uni and my degree, like a lot of people’s, is utterly worthless. Then you’ve got dropouts like Bill Gates. It might be a little offensive to people who never went to uni but are getting by, raising kids etc. Are they all failures? I realise you’re kind of paraphrasing, but you want to be careful not to typecast.
‘a bit resourceful’- I’d remove ‘a bit’. Don’t weaken the image with uncertainty. Or say ‘occasionally’. This doesn’t emphasise how good you were- probably better than ‘a bit’.
from the 2nd para onwards it is all very metaphorical. Can you include solid real life examples to back it up? Otherwise I can’t put myself in that situation.
Zoltan reviewed Version 1 -
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This is far too convolutred for a first chapter. While some of the imagery is rich and the writing compelling, these need to be spaced out. The first chapter (and more importantly, paragraph) need to draw the reader in.
Start more abstractly, perhaps at a single anectode or experience. As it is, this reads less like a 1st chapter and more like a conclusion.
That being siad, I think it’s a promising start. Keep woring and you may have something!
marebarr reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi – This is a good start. But it seems you need two things here. First, you use cliches. They are great to get your thoughts down on paper, but you need to go back and write what you mean directly or find an interesting way to say it.
“foot in the door” is one example.”time waits for no man” is another. People hate to read well worn turns of phrase. If you can’t say it in a new and interesting way, say it in a beautiful and vulnerable way.
Second, you need a mystery, something you allude to that will keep us reading. And it should be something good.
Lalifufu reviewed Version 1 -
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You’ve got some beautiful imagery and descriptions here (injured heart anointed by love, open wounds still raw and bare, bombarded by life’s intrusions etc) but, to be completely honest and to the point, you didn’t draw me in. I’m not sure what these intrusions are that have consistently bombarded you – you haven’t told the reader or even hinted at any of the hardships you have faced. I get the sense that a lot of it has to do with business, but this is an assumption on my part.
Your first paragraph needs to be punchier and it needs to set the scene for what is to come. You have started writing it in a reflective way – looking back at your life in retrospect. Show us where you are now, what’s wrong, and then your following paragraphs can explain how you got to this place.
For example, in your first sentence, you say you’ve been at a crossroads many times in your life. As a reader, I want you to be specific. Why not tell us about the crossroads you find yourself in now. Where do both of these paths (or many paths) go? What does the one trail look like in comparison to the other? Think of Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Not Taken”. That’s a great place to start – it draws the reader in. Then you can start talking about the dirt trails and foreign alleyways you walked in your youth that ultimately brought you to the crossroads you find yourself at now.
In a nutshell, be specific, set the scene early on and be clearer. Show, don’t tell. And remember, that even though this is a biography, you can still exaggerate and use poetic justice to bend and twist the truth. Juice it up a little.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Your writing is very articulate but as the start of an autbiography, i wonder. Should you be stating the sum of your parts so early on? By this, i mean should you tell the reader all you have learned in life so soon. Wouldn’t it be better to do this in the end and at the beginning tell the reader how you come to realize all you have recorded?
‘DNA but just like a nucleic acid molecule” I don’t know if i would start out with such a complicated analogy. You might consider who will be reading your book. I found myself stumbling over this and i feel other readers might, as well. Analogies and metaphors are great but make the comparisons a little simpler, maybe. A scientist might like this abstract but a regular housewife would balk at reading it. I found this interesting and would read more if it were a little more simplified.
“Those days were also when my heart remained closed and perhaps blocking passage to the oxygen I so desperately needed then.” Look at this metaphor. It sounds like a heart attack. How about, My heart remained closed to those who knocked on its steel chamber. The key word “steel” paints a picture of a hardened heart. I would go through this and look at my metaphors and make them plainer. I would love to see how certian happenings in your life made you the person you are today. Good luck, hope i have helped. Sandi
bickle reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi,
Well… If you are asking, “Can I construct a sentence?” the answer is completely… a yes! Do you draw the reader in? I would have to say, with the amount you have posted, I was not really bothered about the narrator and my “Juices” were not really stirred.
I understand that this “person” was having some form of mid-life crisis and now required a reflection of a seemingly wasted existence and a carthartic moment was in the wings.
I would certainly read more, if you were to post more. You have a grasp of the written word, so would say, it would be worth more investment.
None of what I have said is from a negative tip, I am being honest and do not mean to offend. You have talent and I just wanted more.
Thanks
kizzykat reviewed Version 1 -
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The style isn’t boring, but it is a little vague. For example, in the opening sentence, you’ve found yourself “at crossroads over and over but still pushing forward”. But forward to what? What were the dilemmas that caused you to hesitate in your journey through life? What were you pushing towards?
You obviously know what you are talking about, but the reader doesn’t. I think you need to give a few more facts in order to give a framework to help with the interpretation of your view of the world, and what makes you see it this way. For example, the only facts you’ve given us are that you recently entered school, you’ve walked dirt trails, and you’re American. Age? Sex? What are you studying? Why? What do you mean by a better place in life? A better emotional place, or a better job?
I think you need to ask yourself why you are writing this and what the message is in order to draw the reader in more. What is it that you have to say that would want them to know more, which hopefully is the reason for reading an autobiography.
braedonis reviewed Version 1 -
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These opening paragraphs drew me in only because i didn’t understand the first paragraph. Although I understood the words, it was not clear to me where the writer is in present tense. In an institution? I would be more inspired to read on if i knew where the writer is tangibly, as in details about oneself in an active way, not passive.
TerJa reviewed Version 1 -
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You asked several things and I’ll try to cover them all. Do I want to understand more? Yes, you have given enough to make me wonder about the events which you hint at in this piece. Is it the begining of a book? Well, maybe. I don’t have enough info to know if there is sufficent material to warrent a book as opposed to a long article.
Ypu also asked about the flow and the style. They are relataed and it is here thaat I see the biggest drawback to what you are writing. Sometimes your sentences get away from you and become quite awkward. For example:
“I could usually be found walking back and forth down solitary corridors with closed doors, ironically because they were locked.”
First – you can not wolk “back and forth” down anything. If you are walking down you are walking down. I’d suggest changing it to saying “--walking up and down solitarty-—.”
Second- there is nothing “ironic” about a closed door being locked. In fact it has to be closed to be locked. The whole sentence might read better as “I could usually be found walking up and down solitarty corridors, unable to enter any of the rooms because the doors were all locked.” I think that was your intent way.
I’ll be glad to go over the rest of this in a message so it doesn’t cost you anything. Let me know.
As I said, I am intersteed enough to want to know more.
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