Did anything confuse you, though? Like suddenly inserting artists into it? As I mentioned, it’s an early draft and I want to tighten it up. So far I know I mix a little too much variety of imagery. Can you tell me what you felt the “era of time” actually was? That might help me some right there. Thank you.
Poetry / elegy
the birds stopped singing today.
a king has died.
the stars that led a path to the sun
crackled and flickered and left
a deathly glow before all went black.
the drum, normally filled with pulsing rhythm,
now surrounded by a shell of cold flesh,
has no feeling, no emotion.
it is dry,
parched from the expulsion of life’s waters.
the people of the king wander,
weary, lost,
together
unprepared for the putrid, grey weather,
unprepared for the rivers that cease to flow.
the artists stayed in bed today
as the red moon replaced their sun.
reminiscence, like a sweet, fragrant rose,
filters through crevices and seeps
into the atmosphere, comforting.
too late the people realize treasure lost,
as they search and grope in silent dark
for some sense
some direction
light within blind desolation.
they stand as statued stone,
faces lifted, wet with cold rain
that will cleanse and purge
as they must face tomorrow and realize
their king is never coming home.
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oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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What a wonderful piece. It sounds like you are talking about Michael Jackson. If so, i agree. On stanza four, do you think if you replaced reminiscence, with memories it would make the thought plainer? I like the word, this is just a suggestion.
Stanza five was very moving for me. You paint a good picture of those who loved the king and how they seem lost now. It is true a great talent was taken too early. Many of use grew up with him and come to think of him as a part of us. I think this is lovely. It is thoughtful. It flows well and is very thought provoking. You made the reader feel the loss. The king would have been proud. Thank you, Sandi
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vay_pure reviewed Version 1 -
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Hello there,
I read this thru a few times to get the feel, the darkness it seemed to possess. I wanted to take myself and become inserted into this era of time, feeling the sadness, the darkness, the wet, clamy cold. You know what you did? You made it easy to allow me to pull this off. Only when a piece is written with key words and great visuals created is this even remotely possible.
“unprepared for the putrid, grey weather,
unprepared for the rivers that cease to flow.”
These two lines are my fav’s. Change anything, nope. me…
jfriend3 reviewed Version 1 -
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Good imagery all around – I really enjoyed the fourth stanza, but not necessarily the first line of the fourth stanza… don’t artists stay in bed all day anyway? (o; That was a joke; in seriousness though the entire poem has a loose focus on all of the objects keeping them at the concept level – ‘birds’, ‘stars’, ‘people’, ARTISTS, ‘people’ – where “the king” is the only other object defined down to that level of identification… he is ‘the king’, he’s dead, but still ‘the king’... so I think you should change “artists” up a level in concept to encompass a larger group to give it a looser focus. The subest artist seems to jump out with similar importance as the king, which, I suspect, was not your intention, and has the effect of taking away from the king. Not sure what to put there instead though…
Runatyr reviewed Version 1 -
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Try holding the “Shift” key when you hit “Enter” for line breaks.
You have some interesting ideas here, but the images bound perhaps too quickly from one to the next. Be careful about potentially overusing images we’ve seen one too many times… it’s not that you can’t use them, of course, but you may want to be sparing with such words as “stars”, “sun”, “moon”, “rose”, and “dark”.
I feel a bit too removed from all of this to feel much. I like “the artists stayed in bed today”... perhaps you could focus this poem to the perspective of a single artist. How did the loss affect him/her? The focus might give the piece more impact.
The work is clear and the reader can make sense of it well enough. It needs a stronger perspective, more unified imagery, and perhaps some details that surprise us more than stars, suns, and moons. I hope some of that helps; thank you for the opportunity to review your work.
marebarr reviewed Version 1 -
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I like “the artist stayed in bed today”
too much imagery about emptiness. I would keep working this. For instance “too late the people realize treasure lost” doesn’t have any beauty to it – you have the feeling but now add the beauty – people suddenly realize what has been lost is less fragmented, more natural.
Also, sometime it works well when you change a description such as “now surrounded by a shell of cold flesh” to “is the cold flesh” skipping the “like” altogether.
joancrown reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, you want help with imagery… so here’s what I think. The images of the people mourning, wandering, etc. are very clear, but the start is a bit rocky. There seems to be contrasting (maybe conflicting) imagery of the stars, the drum, the dryness… perhaps eliminating the drum reference might lend clarity. All of your other images are natural, so they seem to fit together better. I get that you are trying to show multiple ways in which the world has “stopped” because of this loss… I just think the connection between these either needs to be cleaned up by keeping them in nature OR there needs to be a greater variety if you want to show that in nature, man’s world, the universe at large, etc… all normalcy has ceased. You could go either way. Otherwise, in future drafts, I think there should be some attention to the capitalization (even if just King).
gemglitter reviewed Version 1 -
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Comments:This is definitely an elegy, a mourning poem. I can feel the sadness. You do have some very powerful imagery. My favorite one is “filters through crevices and seeps / into the atmosphere, comforting.” I can really see this.
Suggestions: You asked for specific imagery suggestions so here goes. Your first line, birds, is so generic. And I am pretty sure you mean all birds, but maybe you can draw on one species, this will give an instant, specific, image in your first line. I don’t see what you mean from “parched from the expulsion of life’s waters.” The only expulsion of life’s waters that comes to mind is when a woman gives birth. If that is your image, its a very powerful image, but I don’t see it. Also your line, “unprepared for the putrid/ grey weather,” Describe putrid, make us almost gag, what’s putrid to you? Grey weather, describe, is it just a few grey clouds, or is it those heavy, almost purple clouds? One more suggestion is a line break like this:
a deathly glow
before all went black.
Forces a pause.
GreenIguana reviewed Version 1 -
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There are parts of this I like a lot, e.g. “the artists…filters through crevices” and “they stand as statued stone…face tomorrow” (ellipses to cut down on credits spent). The description of Jackson’s heart as dried out was kind of grotesque. I also think the extreme way you’re describing bereft fans probably fits the most die hard fans, but probably not the majority of fans who are sad but probably not lost and searching for direction. I suggest toning down the more extreme parts of the poem to make the poem more universal and accessible. In other words—don’t use stronger imagery; use more gentle imagery.
Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi,
For a single space hit shift-enter, for a double use just regular enter. That should fix the spacing.
I got an image in my head of thousands of Michael Jackson fans standing in the English weather, waiting for a concert that will never come.
effective images: stars crackling and going out. deathly glow. heart/drum drying out. red moon replacing the sun. statued faces/cleansed by rain.
cliche:
cold flesh, grey weather, cold rain -these are all pretty standard images, I would like to see a more creative expression of these things.
suggestions:
“reminiscence, like a sweet, fragrant rose,” -roses at a funeral are necessary only because people expect them to be there. I think the reminiscences would be more bittersweet, and the rest of the poem doesn’t show that they actually received any “comfort” I think you should rework the last 3 lines of the Stanza.
“light within blind desolation.” -I would go with “desperation” as desolation contradicts the image of everyone wandering together.
Nice work.
knelson reviewed Version 1 -
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Can’t help but think of my beloved King of Pop while reading this one. I particularly like the verse about the people of the king who are lost in spite of being together. I also really appreciated the red moon like a red rose and how the smell of the rose was like the sweet comfort of memories. I am wondering if the misery wouldn’t be stronger if the people didn’t realize the treasure too late, but simply don’t know how to go on now that the treasure is lost. The only suggested change I have is the cold rain. While I like the coldness of it as it ads to the pain, wet with tears seems to lend itself to the cleansing and purging the last verse speaks of and the overall tone of sadness and loss.
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