TY, Good review.
Poetry / A warm hand
When she held my hand, if only for a second.
Perfectly in mine.
Like an on unopened flower.
Each petel so gently and gracefully comforting eachother.
Laying together as if never to be anything else.
Resting in eachothers simple embrace.
Her skin warm & soft on my cold fingers .
Heat seemed to radiate to every cell.
A comfort came over me.
Feelings like grandmothers quilt being wrapped around me on the coldest of northern nights.
For the time she held my hand.
She let go ... the chill has crept back in.
Snuck down to my bones. My blood runs like frozen slush.
Fingers blue and numb, hand still held out, reaching to the abys, empty.
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frankthebeing reviewed Version 2 -
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Hi, you have some great stuff in this poem but also I think some stuff that doesn’t work.
first of all I really like the metaphor of the unopened flower as an image for your hands together. It’s good for a lot of reasons that I’ll get to but there’s I was slightly confused as to how her hand was in yours, you kind of made it sound like her hand was in yours and yours was wrapped around hers, but that doesn’t seem like much of a comforting thing for you and your the one suffering or whatever here, the line “perfectly in mine” is what gave me this idea, if your trying to get across that your holds hands like your fingers are intertwined you might want to work on that line. the image of the flower is incredibly strong though, not just as an image but we have cultural metaphors that you subtly draw on like the idea of a young girl as a flower that hasn’t bloomed, and others that revolve around women’s sexuality. the line about the petals resting next to each other gave me the idea that you want us to see the fingers intertwined and that is a better image for the poem I think, just that other line needs to be dealt with.
the rest of the poem isn’t as strong I don’t think, not bad though. ending with your hand still out seems a little cliche, especially ending with “empty” which is really just tagged on for drama since “abyss” accomplishes the same thing. but abyss can be pretty cliche too. Some of your word choices seem unnecessarily sterile and archaic:
“radiate to every cell”—bringing biological terms can be kind of off putting, especially in such a tender and intimate poem. I think your use of the word “bone” is fine and actually really good because bone has cultural and mythological ideas attached to it, obviously because humans have known about bones a lot longer than cells, so it doesn’t feel as scientific.
“on the coldest of…” you can just say “on cold” or “on the coldest northern” that “of” makes you the poem sound stuffy and old-englishy.
I think you have a few places with really unnecessary words that you could chop out; chopping out words from your poem can tighten it up and strengthen the whole thing:
3rd line “an on unopened” a typo I’m sure, no biggie
4th line “each petal so gently…” “so” in there is unnecessary and inflates the sentence, try reading it without “so”
6th line “resting in eachothers simple embrace” I think by this point, with your wonderful flower image, have established everything and more than the word “simple” could add to this sentence, it feels redundant, also “eachothers” at least needs a possessive apostrophe like “eachother’s” but should most likely be changed to “each other’s” since “eachother” isn’t really a word
9nth line “A comfort…” I’m not sure I see the reason for “A” here
10th line—I think this line just needs to be reworked, at least the first part. the idea is good but you have all these “s” sounds in the first few words and an “ing,” it just feels a little cluttered, I’d try to keep the meaning intact though
also, your use of periods is staggeringly unclear, unless your already a famous poet doing something beyond me I think you really need to rework the punctuation
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livinglilu reviewed Version 2 -
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I love the words, sometimes the flow is weaker, but it has to be read a few times to be felt.
the end is so cold,, in a good way! it conveys what its meant to I think..
picky things.. each others.. two words?
she let go… the chill (has) crept back in. Is “has” necessary? it switches tense and would read better imo if it just said the chill crept back in..
Other than that.. this works.. just a little tidying needed.. oh and (perhaps personal opinion) I dont like “snuck” crept, writhed, ebbed into, ideas*
and reaching to the abyss: empty (stronger on an ending than a comma).
(my first review so forgive if I dont comply to guidelines just yet!)
jadedpoet reviewed Version 2 -
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Hi there,
I liked this. I cold feel the cold, the warmth then again the cold as hands parted. Using your Grandmothers quilt adds a very homey feel. My fav line,
“Snuck down to my bones. My blood runs like frozen slush.”
A couple of minor grammar errors but nothing major. A very nice piece! Well done, me…
sadpoet reviewed Version 2 -
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When she held my hand, if only for a second.
It is a very beautiful piece of writing.
Perfectly in mine.
Like an on unopened flower…your beginning line although simple means more than what it says. A more poetic word instead of unopened would be unblossomed or unbloomed. It also has a more delicate feel considering the subject.
Each petel so gently and gracefully comforting each<>other…pedal
Laying…Lying
Resting in each<>others simple embrace…or one anothers-more poetic.
Her skin warm &(and)soft<>on my cold fingers…I think these extra spaces may be coming from where you copied and pasted it. It becomes a distraction from the work. Try to proofread before submission. Your goal is to have the reader feel the piece, not to get caught up in the spaces.
Heat seemed to radiate to every cell.
A comfort came over me…these two lines are very romantic and serene, do not change them.
My blood runs like frozen slush…very visual and good in description. Keep this to.
Very good. Minimal revisions will help to create a very emotional and visual piece. Thank you for the opportunity.
Sheisnotyou03 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you poem can could use some brushing up. Perhaps you could provide more detail and imagery. Ive heard numberous poems just like this one, and its not unique. What other emotions do you feel when this girl holds your hand? Why do you feel this way.
Also you should change “sec” to second.
I aslo dont get how to “her hand fit perfectly in mine like an unopened flower” relate to one another. An unopened flower fits perfectly together. Is that was you mean, but I doubt an unopened flower fits perfectly in your hand.
PoeticMisconceptions reviewed Version 1 -
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Type out all of ‘second’ in ‘if only for a sec.’. Since it is the beginning of the poem, abbreviations could be a turn off for readers. Another suggestion I have is a bit more figurative language, so I can truly see how you feel.
It has potential, though.
I wish you the best of luck.
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