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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Vicious: A Fragile Creature
The wind picked up and carried fall leaves across the Mackenzie West High School parking lot. The wind had been bringing chilled air lately and had put the people of Weadley in a bitter mood. That, and the fact that there has been frequent unexplained disappearances in the town. Heidi zipped up her jacket in an attempt to keep out the chilly wind. She was leaning on her truck waiting for her brother Jason to get out of detention for roughing up one of his classmates at lunch. He was a year older than her and always getting into trouble for doing immature little things.
He finally emerged from the side door of the school with a triumphant grin on his face. As he walked towards the truck he called out, “Man Ms. Levalle is such a babe!” Heidi rolled her eyes and got in the drivers seat of the truck. Without bothering to open the door, he jumped in through the window and landed in the passengers seat. “Ever heard of actually opening doors before flinging yourself through the window?” She asked. “Come on Heidi, you know me better than that.” he said with a smirk. He pulled out a crumpled paper out of his pocket and when he saw the confused on Heidi’s face he mumbled “Homework” and stuffed it back in his pocket. She laughed and started the truck.
As they drove, Jason grabbed her backpack and flipped through the books inside. “Math.. English.. Science?! Hah! When are you ever going to use these? You know what kind of life we have in store for us, why bother?” “Unlike some trouble-making pup I know, I actually want to blend in this year.” She replied. He sighed, “We’ll be far from this place too soon to even have to worry about that.” He seemed distracted. “Yeah well what about those disappearances? Who’s going to worry about that? With all the trouble you’re stirring up we’ll be first on the list of suspects.” A low growl was forming in his throat. He exhaled quickly through his nostrils and replied curtly, “Max’s got everything under control.” She kept her eyes on the road and gave up, no point in picking fights.
Finally their house was in sight. They lived in a large brown brick house with red doors and garage next to a vast forest. As they pulled up Heidi’s two younger siblings, Carlisle and Theo chased each other towards the truck but Theo jumped on Carlisle’s back and tackled him to the ground. Jason dove out the truck window and ran towards the two boys picking them up, both in one arm and ran towards the house with the giggling boys waving back to Heidi. She smiled, waved back and parked the car.
Inside was a whole different scene. The whole pack was there. All silent. All lost in thought. They didn’t notice when she came in and sat beside her friend Vince. “What’s going on?” she whispered to him. He pulled himself away from his trance and said, “Another body went missing.” She went cold. “But Derek is locked in the basement!” Vince looked around to make sure Theo and Carlisle weren’t in earshot then whispered, “That’s what we thought too..” “Alright everyone now that we’re all here I would like to announce that were going on a search tonight for Derek. We will break up into four groups and cover all the outer bounds of the town. We will meet up at the river once we have made sure we checked everywhere and if he isn’t in the outskirts, I suppose we will search the town.” Max announced. “Remember, Derek is among the strongest of our kin but we must keep him alive.”
Heidi was in a group of about six consisting of herself, Heidi’s mother Autumn, Benji who pretty much lived on their couch, Theo and Carlisle, and her cousin Austin. They walked outside into the clearing behind her house and awaited the moon to show its face. Autumn was reassuring Theo and Carlisle just as the moon started to show. Heidi started to shiver. Then shake. Then she felt her muscles spaz and contort. Her hair prickled through her pores and she let a low howl of excitement out. Her jaw and tailbone ached a great deal. Her ears changed place and her nails grew and got thicker. The transformation was almost complete. She fell on all fours as her tail stretched and her legs shortened. Once she was in her true form she let out a loud howl of approval towards the moon.
When her group were all fully transformed they broke out into a run, eyes wide searching for their murderous kin. She kept herself amused by competing with the pups, Theo and Carlisle, dodging trees and jumping over logs. They covered the forests and moved into the cornfields. They bit cobs of corn off the stalks while running through the rows. Their rows ended and in front of them was a barn and mill that reeked of blood. They all tensed and circled the barn quietly. They heard a rustle and a tearing of flesh and went into the open barn door. There they found Derek transformed in a bundle of hay feasting on a human man. He didn’t even notice their entry. Benji slowly pawed up to Derek. He stood on his hind legs giving him three feet of advantage and drove his paws down, giving a strong blow to Derek’s head. It was strong enough to knock him out. They all waited while the unconscious Derek slipped back into human form to toss him over Austin’s back.
Back at the house they discussed what to do about Derek. They had a full month until the next full moon, the nights which Derek looses control. “We could move to a remote location where the only thing to hunt is animals and there isn’t a single human in sight.” Vince’s father Pete suggested. “A lot of us have lives down here. Most of us have fairly good jobs here and Austin is engaged to a human girl, what would she think of this sudden move? She couldn’t come because of Derek and we cant leave Austin behind.” Max implied. “Well we cant let him off on his own and he cant stay here either.” Benji protested.
They were all thinking the same thing. No one wanted to say it but it needed to be discussed. “We have to make him un-transformational don’t we?” Heidi bluntly stated. Max solemnly nodded. Benji sighed. He knew he was the one who had to do it. He grabbed a key out of his pocket and walked out of the room. Few minutes later did he return with a thin silver neck collar in his gloved hands. Everyone in the room growled. Silver. He then walked over to Derek. Still unconscious. Still untransformed.
Heidi sighed. At least his last transformed moments were doing what they were created to do. He clicked open the silver collar and placed it around Derek’s neck quickly clicking it back shut. Then Derek surged in convulsions. Wide awake now. In a fit of horror and fury he tried to transform to snap the collar like a twig but the silver restrained him. He lie there surging and spazzing, growling and yelling, trying to get the collar off. He gave one last howl and went unconscious. When he awakes, Heidi thought, he will be a fragile creature. Outside, the wind picked up and carried fall leaves around Derek’s place of loss, a werewolf’s grave.
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The wind had been bringing chilled air lately and had put… “Had been”and “bringing” makes this passive. The description is also awkward. You are speaking for all the people when some might like the cold. You could say the air put some people in a bad mood.
he jumped in through the window and landed in the passengers seat.” Not a good description. How did he do this? What kind of truck was it? Be more specific.
“A low growl was forming in his throat” He “growled” would be simpler.
“The whole pack was there. All silent.” Who is the whole pack? Name them.
Her ears changed place. What do you mean? Changed place with what? Make this clearer?
Your story sounds like it could be made exciting. But the use of siver is a bit cliche in terms of werewolves. No one ever said why silver makes werewolves crazy. A silver bullet, it is said is the only thing that can kill one. You are a little vague in your descriptions. For instance, you use words like “pack” and have your character jumping through the truck windows but the reader has no idea that the character is a werewolf until the end of the chapter, so we are baffled by the descriptions. You can fix this by giving better hints that the teens are werewolves from the begining. The writing also needs to be tighter and the contents made clearer. for instance, What happened to Derek to cause him to convulse? Will there be more to the story?
I have listed things above. Good luck, Sandi
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Not bad, but it needs a little work. Here are some thoughts I have….
The second and third lines sound a tad silly. Basically you’re saying “People are upset about the weather; of course, the macabre happenings also might have something to do with it.” Don’t say people are upset about the weather AND the disappearances. Say the wind gave off a haunting chill which reflected the somber mood of the town.
A werewolf named Benji? Why not just name other characters Lassie and Rin-tin-tin? I can see how you might want to foreshadow that they’re werewolves before the actual reveal, but if you want to do it via names, choose something that’s less obvious, like Rex.
Also, for a first chapter, this felt very rushed and crowded. Don’t be afraid to spend a little more time fleshing out Heidi’s character, as she seems to be one of the more important. Have her recall some of her friends discussing the disappearances.
I had a hard time keeping track of all the characters…but I just went with the flow. I really like this…something different than a family of vamps. Are they all werewolves..and does only Derek transform? Grammar wise I didnt spot anything and enjoyed reading something original.
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