thank u! u were the first one to catch that about doubling up on the beheading idea. other than that did u like the story at all?
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Keely's Vampire Warrior Prologue, part 1
Prologue (part 1)
Birth of the Naith Warriors
Summer 1021, Eile, Ireland
Taskill Geir pushed his way through the battlefield using his towering height and broad shoulders to part the horde before him. Cutting and slicing with his great broadsword, Claiomh as na Dicheanntar, Blade of the Beheader, he left a trail of bodies behind as he advanced ever forward after his brother-in-arms, Donnan (Doenann) Clynne. The two had fought side by side for years, and it was the first time Tas could remember Doe purposely leaving him behind amidst battle.
They had fought this war for what felt like a lifetime, every since their peaceful valley had been overrun by invaders determined to lay claim to their fertile valley and abundant fields. Today, they had finally managed to push the invaders back to the open plains, the only side not protected by mountains.
For four long, battle torn years, they had prayed to the Goddess Morrigan for an end to this savage war, and hopefully, this was the final battle. The people of the valley had fought well and hard. Even the high mountain folks, who rarely descended, had spared their sons to King Cerbaill’s aid, fearing that if the valley was overtaken, they would be next. King Cerbaill, respected for treating his people fairly, had inspired his people and his army to fight faithfully for him.
Taskill grunted when a thick blunted sword struck against the nape of his neck. Good thing I wore my armet helmet. Pivoting swiftly, he beheaded the man, laughing at the astonished look in his opponent’s slanted eyes seconds before his head slid off his neck. It rolled along the ground landing under the foot of an invader, causing him to trip and fall. Before Slanted Eye’s body hit the ground, Tas reached over and grabbed the sword from its hand. No sense wasting a good sword. No one could behead faster than Taskill. Now, back ta Doe’s trail, Tas thought, turning back to search for his friend.
Following Doe’s trail reminded Tas of the day he had nicknamed Doe. They had been treading through some thickets, when Donnan, creeping silently, had startled a mother doe and her fawn. For one second, man and doe had gazed into each other’s eyes, shocked, then the doe backed up, nudged her fawn, and both scampered away into the underbrush.
Tas and Donnan had both been so surprised that neither had thought to aim their bows and arrows for the kill. After a moment’s hesitation, both realized that neither would’ve been able to bring themselves to kill either of them.
“I think she recognized ye, Donnan,” Taskill teased, “She mistook ye for another doe, like her. We shall also call ye Doe, Doe. Another soldier walked up behind them, having seen it all, but had been too far away to shoot. “I think it was yehr big brown eyes!” He laughed, approaching the duo.
Donnan turned back to Tas. “At least I won’t be known as Taskill the Beheader,” he bantered. “Perhaps it will make the ladies think I’m gentle, and they will think me endearing!” The three men, Donnan Clynne, the King’s commander, Taskill Geir, Doe’s first in command, and the third soldier, brave to be so informal with his superiors, groaned at Donnan’s pun, as they quietly continued their trek through the woods. “Well, I hope one lady will.” Doe clarified.
“Would that be Alyssa?” Tas asked, remembering Doe had been mentioning her a lot. “The Duke’s daughter?”
“Yea, tis so,” replied Doe, “When this war is over, I hope she’ll become my bride.”
Tas thought this over. Being top commanders in the King’s Guard, he and Doe attended many Royal Court celebrations. He remembered Alyssa as pleasing to look upon, and she seemed to thrive there, amidst the life of nobles. He had danced with her once, and she had allowed her ample bosom to brush closer to him than suitable for a young debutante. She hadn’t seemed to mind, and had even invited him to walk the gardens alone.
At the time, he had wondered if she invited all her dance partners to the secluded gardens. He had figured she was bound and determined on capturing a husband, like most of the available damsels at court. Of course, most of the ladies in waiting didn’t consider him worth marrying, he was only a King’s soldier with no land holdings of his own. He hoped if Doe chose her for wife, she never broke his heart and that the King’s promise to reward Doe a castle of his own if he won the war was not the real reason for Alyssa’a interest in his friend. Doe deserved someone who loved him for himself.
“Yea,” Tas said uneasily. “I pray you’ll have the Goddess’s blessing.” Turning, he ran ahead to scout out a place to camp. Doe narrowed his eyes at his friend’s abandonment. My friend seems ill at ease. I hope he doesna have designs for me beautiful Alyssa! He thought, thinking of her pale skin, gray eyes, and midnight tresses. But then he remembered Tas was always oblivious of women, never realizing that before the womenfolk had been sent to the upper valleys for protection, the most comely wenches had always eyed him like honeyed wine.
~
Now, Tas’s royal blue eyes darkened, and his expression grew fierce as he pressed forward, pushing even his own soldiers out of his way in his haste with his search. Ta Ifieann, hell, with him! They had always fought side by side. Where had he run off to? One minute they were standing back to back, swords cutting down their foes when Doe had cried, “Stand firm! I see something up ahead!” When he looked around, Doe was nowhere in sight.
Tas climbed a low hill. Arriving to the top and looking down the other side, he finally spotted Doe. He was half way across a field, fiercely fighting with a large soldier, no not a soldier, Tas thought, eyeing Doe’s opponent’s shiny silver armor, too rich for a foot soldier. Tas realized that Doe was in an intense battle with the invader’s commander. They were sparring on foot, the commander’s large white stallion, lying nearby with its throat slit. At the ferocious strikes of their blade, Tas determined they were fighting to the death. If Doe won, it could mean the end of the war.
Tas started down the hill to join in, when the unthinkable happened. One of the ferocious leader’s guards near them, finished spearing a young farm boy, turned and shoved his long spear into Doe’s back, piercing through it until its bloody point protruded from the other side. Just as quickly, he jerked it back, pulling Doe towards him like a fish on a hook. The soldier shook Doe off his spear, causing him to fall to the ground with a groan, where he rolled onto his back, near the Commander’s feet.
The commander lifted his long blade to finish the job just as Tas appeared before him. Angrily, Tas jerked the leader’s helmet off his head with his large left hand, leaving it unprotected. With a roar, he swiped his sword through his neck, cleanly severing it. Turning, he met the spear of the commander’s guard, who had turned back at the sound of this new threat. Before the guard could react, Tas took Claiomh as na Dicheanntar by both hands and cleaved him through his middle, making two halves of his body, which fell to the ground in a heap.
“He’s dead!” One of their men shouted. “Our Commander is dead,” said another. The invading soldiers began to turn and run to the farthest reaches of the field, while the King’s soldiers shouted in glee, as they threw daggers and rocks at the retreating army.
Tas barely heard the fighting around him diminish. The world faded, as he dropped his sword to kneel beside his dying friend. Carefully picking him up to hold him in his arms, Tas wiped bloody mud from Doe’s face. Leaning close, Tas was relieved when he felt Doe exhale a shallow breath against his hand, until he looked down and saw Doe’s life running out to pool on the ground around him from a gaping wound. It was leaking blood and chunks of gut and Tas realized Doe did not have long to live.
“No!” Tas screamed. “Don’t ye die!” Though Doe would be a fallen hero to the people, his death on the battlefield allowing him into Summer Land, Tas could not let his friend go yet to those heavenly streets of eternal song and dance. This would be Tas’s greatest battle, a fight against the gods for his friend. Raising Doe to rest on his lap against his chest, Tas raised both arms to the heavens and began to beseech the Gods and Goddesses. “God Lugh, God of war, I beseech ye!” He wildly summoned, “Goddess Morrigan, Goddess of life, revenge and prophecy, hear me! Donnan Clynne is a man among men! He has fought for his king against beseechers! He has saved me in battle many times! He is the fiercest protector of our King! Please allow him ta remain here, with yehr men, as yehr champion, ta fight yehr battles here on earth!”
Tas prayed as the sun slipped low into the sky to settle on the crest of the distance mountains. Surrounding soldiers circled the two men on the ground, bowing their heads, lending Tas their support. Realizing Doe’s breaths were coming with less frequency,
Tas reared up in frustration. Standing up, he grabbed a dirk from his belt and cut slices in his skin along his arms and torso. “Hear me Goddess Morrigan, hear my plea!” He screamed to the sun, as it continued to slip behind the mountain summits, “Here lays a good man! Me blood for Donnan Clynne! Me life for him!” he cried, as he continued to cut. Blood ran down his body and mixed with Doe’s pooled blood around them.
The surrounding soldiers backed away in horror as a cloud of darkness rose and enveloped Tas. He squinted and threw up his hand in front of his eyes as a great beam of light shot out from the sky, landing to highlight a spot directly before him. A harsh wind blew through the valley, causing Tas’s long black hair to whip around his shoulders, and the surrounding men to close their eyes from dirt flying around in the air. Dark clouds above opened up, and a spinning tornado of sparkling light hit the ground, kicking up and blending with dirt to form a golden cloud. When it stilled, the cloud of sand fell to the ground with a hiss, revealing the most beautiful woman Tas had ever seen.
The surrounding soldiers immediately dropped to the ground, kneeling before what they were sure was the Goddess. Tas fell to his knees, but kept the rest of himself upright, staring at this creature of the heavens. He could not look away from her pure gold streaked white hair. It shone like a yellow flame atop a white tallow candle, flowing as long as she was tall, writhing in the air around her, as if alive. Her face was so fair that it hurt his eyes to look upon it.
Her large eyes were set above a small upturned nose, and her mouth was full and rose-petal red. Blessed with a fine figure, her breasts full and set high, which with a start Tas realized he could see them, as well as the shape of her hips and legs through her sheer shimmering gossamer gown. He followed the flow of the gown down until he realized that not only was she barefoot, but she was floating above the ground by at least two hands.
“The Gods have heard you.” She spoke, causing Tas to jerk his gaze back to her face. There he noticed that her eyes were like a looking glass, reflecting the sky and field, with a film of royal blue over them. Are those wings upon her back? Tas thought, throwing himself to the ground, near Doe, stretching his arms out towards the Goddess. His senses filled with the smell of honey and roses, “I thank the Goddess,” He exclaimed, “for accepting me life for Donnan Clynne’s.” Then, he held his breath, waiting to see how she would save Doe.
He felt, more than heard, the Goddess approach. He jerked when he felt the touch of fingers brush through his hair, down his shoulder then come under his chin to raise his face up to her. He gasped with surprise, seeing that the vision had not moved, yet he felt her touch against his skin. How is this possible?
The woman smiled faintly, as if reading his thoughts. “I am not a Goddess,” Her voice was melodic, and Tas saw that her lips did not move, yet he heard her clearly. “I am but a messenger for my Gods. You have appealed at a time when your bequest, and our need, is one. We will fulfill your wish. We accept your offer for Donnan Clynne to be our champion. We foresee a war that man may not survive. Forces of unnatural creatures are being brought forth into your world towards this end. They will have an unfair advantage over you; however, the Gods are not yet ready for the realm of Man to end. I have been given the power and tasked to create an opposing force to fight this scourge. I can only guide this Champion for Man, and lend him my strength, for we are ourselves forbidden to fight in this human realm.”
Tas watched as the messenger floated down and kneeled by Doe’s body. She paused, closed her eyes, and bowed her head as if in prayer, or listening to someone only she could hear. After a while, she opened her eyes, shocking Tas again, as he saw they now glowed a beautiful golden bronze. She looked out at the carnage surrounding them and then down at Tas’s and Doe’s blood, which had blended together to form small red pools. Nodding to herself, as if having made up her mind, she reached out and waved an arm and hand over Doe’s head and body.
Tas, and the men surrounding them, stilled when Doe opened his eyes and sat up. Blinking, he shook his head as if to clear it, then raised his hands to the gaping hole in his abdomen. Surveying the men circling him, his eyes widened when they alighted on the messenger’s ethereal form before him. He slumped backward in shock, and Tas’s jumped behind him to support him, before he hit the ground. Raising his hands beseechingly to the woman’s image, Doe hoarsely declared, “Angel of the Heavens, surely ye are here ta take me with ye!” Then he jerked, as if jolted, when the glowing deity before him, clasped both of his hands in hers. She smiled down at him and he calmed, as if no longer in pain.
“Yes, Donnan Clynne, you are a brave warrior who is welcome to Neamh, heaven, where you will be welcomed. There, you will never hunger, feel love and live eternally.” Stopping to give Tas a warning glance when he grunted and glared at her, she turned back to Doe and continued, “You may ascend there now if that be your wish, but before you do, the Gods would ask a boon. We have been searching for a great mortal warrior to be our chosen champion in this world. Tas, your brother-in-arms, is not ready for you to pass on, and has nominated you for this great task. However, Donnan Clynne, it must be by your free will. You can leave with me now to live in eternal peace and abundance, or stay and fight the worst scourge that has ever threatened mankind. I wish I could give you time to weigh your decision, but I cannot. Even now while I hold you to this plane, your life force seeps from you, lessening your time here.”
The messenger hesitated, then reached over to him and lifted his chin so he was looking into her eyes. “You also must know you will no longer be a mortal man. If you be the God’s Champion, you will be remade into the likeness of the new evil ones, so that you will be able to fight like they can, think like them, and recognize them. I need to know now, what say you?”
Doe stilled, and Tas thought for a moment that she had waited too long, but then Doe, after working his mouth silently, rasped, “Are ye of the Goddess, then?”
“Yes, but I am only their vessel here on Earth.” She answered.
“If ye be but a messenger, then the Goddess must truly be a wonder ta behold,” he mused. After a pause, “Ye say eternal peace, for a warrior that doesna sound like heaven. And I have found love here, already.” At this, Tas noticed the messenger’s face briefly darken, then it was gone. Doe paused to look up at Tas, “I have all I want here, a true friend and a love to wed.” Doe swung his gaze back to the heavenly creature. “I am humbled by me friend’s resolve ta save me, and the Gods judgment of my worth…. I accept yehr offer, I pray I am a victorious Champion.”
The messenger’s face alit with gladness, and her eyes glowed bright yellow, with lilac swirls. Doe stared, entranced by their change. Even though the sun had sunk behind the mountain ridges, a beam of light descended from above to shine on Doe’s limp body, lighting the area, allowing observers to see. They gasped, as the mystical woman bent over Doe’s neck and bit into it, drinking down the last of his lifeblood. When Doe’s eyes rolled back into his head, and he fainted, she sliced open her wrist with a long curved fingernail and pressed it against his mouth.
“Drink!” She commanded him. Doe slowly began to drink the blood from the messenger, until rousing, he grabbed her wrist and held it to his mouth with trembling hands. As he swallowed, the messenger looked upwards through the beam of light as if seeing someone there. In an unknown language, she spoke to the Gods, then translated aloud.
“Érstecht mé, Lugh, Dia páirt de cogadh! Érstecht mé, Morrigan, Bandia páirt de mbeadh!...
“Hear me, Lugh, God of war! Hear me, Morrigan, Goddess of life! I have found you a worthy champion! I share your blood that runs in my veins with him, so that he will be reborn. I ask you sanction this man, may he be a devoted champion to your cause.” The wind that had died, arose again with a wail, blowing dirt and debris into the air, as she continued. Her left wrist still in Doe’s mouth, she lifted her right arm and pointed her hand towards the sky. “With your blood, he will father a new warrior race. As I have claimed him in your name, so he shall find and create others, who will fight in our cause. They too, will be immortal, but he, ever being the eldest, will be strongest among them, and they will heed his words.”
Suddenly, from the beam of light, a bolt of lightning flashed down and struck the messenger’s upheld hand. She became speechless as the current of life swept down her outreached limb, through her and into Doe. Dropping away from her wrist, he writhed on the ground, streaks of little blue lights crawling and crackling over his skin. As everyone looked on, the gape in his chest closed, and new skin covered the hole.
Tas watched as his friend appeared to grow another hand taller, and his hair lengthened to his shoulders. But the most startling change was when his warm golden brown pupils spread, covering the whites of his eyes. His eyes now completely had the appearance of the doe he was nicknamed after. Not knowing if it was safe to touch his friend, Tas scooted out from under him, relinquishing his hold.
“Like an animal’s,” A soldier said, making a sign against evil. “Not human.”
“No, he is now a vampyre, but a Naith, good one.” the messenger declared, as the beam of light disappeared into the sky. “He is now remade like the evil ones the wicked sorcerer in the Bohemian Mountains have made. They call them vampyres in that land. But our vampyres, made by our God and Goddess are good, made to fight against their evil,” she explained. Standing up, she looked down at Doe. “Rise, Donnan Clynne. You have been reborn.”
Doe agilely rose to his feet, then he knelt down on his knees before the messenger, overcome with emotion. His clothes were tattered and torn, from the battle and his unnatural growth, revealing much of his skin, however, intent on the vision before him, he gave it no thought. “I am…healed. I feel stronger.” Looking up and around, he said. “I can see far.” Then he grimaced, “I can hear what me men are whispering.” Then he arose to his feet, slowly pivoting in a circle.
His eyes focused in the distance, seeing far beyond what mere humans could. “I feel….I sense….yea, there is great good in this world, but there are blots of darkness. This darkness….it grows. It is being created and being sent forth ta prey on the innocent, the weak.” He turned to the messenger, who once again hovered above ground. “Yea, I am reborn, and since ye made me, I now say ye are me mother, for I am no longer of this earth. This new war, it is a war on man, but not of man. I feel I have much power, but I do not know how ta leash it, what ta do with it. I know only how ta wage human wars, tell me Mother, I need guidance, will ye guide me?”
“I will be the one to guide, teach, and lend you strength.” She replied, looking pleased. Then she floated close to Doe and placed her hands on his shoulders, gazing intently into his eyes. Tas saw that every little bit, Doe nodded as if listening to her, though no voices were heard. Finally, she drew back, releasing him. “Go forth now with my power in your blood and create your army. Choose wisely,” looking at Tas, “they need only be good and wish to save mankind, they need not be at death’s door.”
Her eyes returned to the mirrored, sky blue covered film that Tas had first seen, her hair once again writhed in an unfelt wind. “I must go now, but yea, you are my first born to me, and since I cannot reveal my true name to Man, you may call me Mother. I am not the only Messenger with this task, but since I was the first to create, let it be Mother One. You are part of me now, Donnan Clynne. When needed, you will be my vessel. We will meet again so that I may instruct you, but first, rest. At times you have need of me, call me in your thoughts, and I will come.”
Then she held out both arms and swept them towards the gathered, watching army. In a commanding melodious voice she enchanted, “What has happened here today is only for the selected to know. For their protection from the spying eyes of the growing darkness, those not chosen will not remember what they have witnessed, only that Donnan Clynne and Taskill Geir fought valiantly and defeated a great enemy of his King. The invaders will return to their lands, not remembering this valley and mountains. They will only remember a great trek, where losing many men to starvation and sickness caused them to turn back.” Giving one final look at Doe and Tas, the Mother One’s image turned hazy until all that was left was a golden cloud that faded away.
Silence fell on the remaining crowd. Then like a dam breaking, they burst forth to smack Doe on the back. “Hurrah!” some shouted. All laughed and danced a jig. “We won!” They exclaimed. “Did ye see them fight? Do you see the mongrels tuck tail and run?” Others cried, “Tell King Cerbaill! Doe Clynne and Taskill Geir ha’ saved us from the invaders!”
Doe and Tas humbly accepted the soldier’s gratitude. Once, they looked across at each other, each nodding to show that they both remembered the true events.
When the crowd quieted, Doe walked up higher on the low hill behind him. Looking over the army, he spoke. “I humbly thank ye for yehr gratitude. I am only glad I, and…,” looking over at Tas, “…me great friend and next-in-command could be of service ta our King. Let us go home now, tis over.”
The crowd cheered and picked up their weapons to begin the long journey home. Tas and Doe stayed behind as they watched most, but not all of the soldiers march by. When the last had gone out of sight, two men were left standing in the field. They looked shaken as they slowly approached the duo on the hill. Tas and Doe returned their stares with knowing looks. “Can ye tell me the truth of what ye have just witnessed?” The new, taller Doe asked the first man.
“Yea,” the stockier one replied, then after exchanging looks, both nodding in agreement, “I believe we have been selected.”
“We want ta serve the God and Goddess,” seconded another man, taller, but slimmer than the first. “We want ta vanquish evil, wherever it is found.” Each man threw themselves to their knees before Tas and Doe. One of the men’s body muscles bulged out from his tunic, he had red hair, green eyes and was fair of face.
Doe walked forward and touched each man on their forehead. After touching each one, he stepped back and nodded, satisfied. “Ye are pure of heart,” he said, with his new power of sensing good and evil. Then he turned to his dear friend Taskill Geir and laid his right hand on his shoulder. “But none so worthy as ye. Ye have saved me life so many times, I have lost count. How could I continue, unless ye are by me side?” he asked. “However, we both know what the price I am asking is. Ye will die then be reborn. I will understand if yehr desire is ta leave this warrior life and go home to peace.”
"Peace?” replied Tas, placing his left hand across to Doe’s shoulder, completing the circle. “Without ye as me friend, peace would not be worth living. Where ye go, I will follow. Whom ye fight, I fight. I too, would be honored ta be chosen to protect mankind in this new war. But before ye accept me, I demand that ye also look into me and see this truth.”
Doe looked deep into Tas’s mind, just as he did the other men. He saw a cloud surrounding Tas that was silver and violet. He heard no evil thoughts and saw a good, strong soul. “Tas,” he said, in relief. “I had no’ doubted, ye will be me commander, directly under me.”
“Excellent,” Tas replied. “Well then, how do we go about this? How do ye create us into new immortal soldiers?” The other men came closer, also eager to hear what Doe had to say.
“Well…” Doe hesitated, looking at the men sheepishly. “The Mother One showed me in my mind. Remember how I was bled to death?” The men nodded solemnly. “Yea,” one answered, “it matters not, whatever we have to do, we know we will survive it and become like ye.” The two new men nodded in agreement, as did Tas.
“Good,” Doe said, “because ta change ye, I have ta drain yehr blood ta the point of death, and then, I will need ta feed ye mine. The Mother One gifted me with sharp teeth,” He said, showing them his incisors, “ta make this easier.”
The three men stared at him in shock, their faces paling. Tas spoke first. “Um…let’s return ta the castle first.” He suggested, as the others nodded in agreement. “After the celebrations, we’ll go someplace where no one can witness this.”
“Doe smiled back at them. “I agree. I especially do not want me beloved ta witness this unnatural act.” With that agreement, the men turned and followed the army that had marched off before them.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
gracelaurence reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 161 word review has not been unlocked.
oneshot92 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
every since their peaceful valley had been overrun by invaders—‘Ever’
They had fought this war -- Today, they had finally managed to push -- they had prayed to the Goddess Morrigan for an—See the repetitiveness here. Find a way to lose the ‘had’ n a couple of these.
respected for treating his people fairly, had inspired his people and his army to fight—Repetitive with ‘his people’.
Good thing I wore my armet helmet. —use italics here. You also need to show us what an armet helmet is.
Now, back ta Doe’s trail, -- Following Doe’s trail reminded -- Repetitive.
the day he had nicknamed Doe. -- They had been treading through -- man and doe had gazed into each -- Tas and Donnan had both been so surprised that neither had thought to -- See the ‘hads’ again? You have these everywhere. They really are frowned upon in about 90% of their uses. Occasionally they work well, but usually they are unneeded.
It was leaking blood and chunks of gut—This description is weak. Chunks of gut just doesn’t work. You really should revise this. You also need to give us Tas’s feelings of watching his friend get cut down as it happens. Surely he frlt something at the sight.
yehr -- ta fight -- I understand the reasoning for the dialect, but a publisher will frown on it.
distance mountains. —distant.
Tas’s jumped behind him to support him,—Just ‘Tas’.
ho is welcome to Neamh, heaven, where you will be welcomed. —Revise this. ‘welcome’ and welcomed’.
I don’t know about the name ‘mother one’. It sounds corny.
Though this was interesting, it still needs some work. Along with the things I have mentioned above, you need to do more to show us this world. A reader needs to be pulled into the story. They need to feel as though they are there.
I would also think very long about keeping this as your prologue. If the rest of this really is a romance, you will lose your intended audience after the second page. Maybe consider bringing this stuff in as flashbacks.
- add/view comments (2)
taurusmoon reviewed Version 2 -
Read 41% of the Item
You have: he beheaded the man, laughing at the astonished look in his opponent’s slanted eyes seconds before his head slid off his neck.
Do you need?: ‘seconds before his head slid off his neck’ (You started out by saying you beheaded the man, no need to reiterate.)
You have: Doe was nowhere in sight.
Suggestion: Doe was nowhere to be seen. (flows better)
You have: Doe’s life running out to pool on the ground around him from a gaping wound. It was leaking blood and chunks of gut and
Suggestion: You don’t need It was leaking blood, you pretty much stated that with ‘running out to pool on the ground’
You have: as a great beam of light shot out from the sky, landing to highlight
Suggestion: More description. What color was the beam of light? How far did the light extend because in the previous seen everything was dark?
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I am happy you explained the reason for the war. Can you give a date please?
I still think a spurt of blood from the magled arteries would make this more believable.
You might check here. There are two page twos.
Could the readers have a setting and a small description of that setting, please?
The vampirism really thre me but i undersand why it was necessary. I think it give s this wonderfully written piece an edge. Your work flows and your characterizations are believable. I like the language and i think this will turn out to be a fine novel. I would like to visualize these lands where they fought. I want to see the villages and the houses. I would like to see women and children and peasents. Can you add some descriptions. I look forward to the next excerpt. Sandi
slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
You’re right, this isn’t really romance. The only reason I read this is because it had ‘vampire warrior’ in the title, and it sounded like fantasy, my favorite genre. This might fit better under the scifi/fantasy catgory.
When Tas is slicing himself, he does it as if it’s nothing, like he feels no pain. Shouldn’t he cringe or something? Doesn’t he feel a stinging pain each time the blade slices into his arm? You should describe how he struggle with the pain.
If this story remains as interesting as this, I would continue to read more. It was very captivating. Keep writing!
AprilWriter reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is a really great start. I am so glad you took my advice and posted a larger sample of the book. I am defiantly intrigued. You do a great job introducing the conflict. The battle lines are drawn, a force of evil approaches but mankind does not stand alone—all the right ingredients the prologue of an epic. I like that although the story will take place in modern times it has a foundation in the past.
The dialog is well balanced with the exposition. The battle scenes are pretty clear and with bit of polishing will draw your reader in instantly. There are times when your descriptions are extremely vivid (He could not look away from her pure gold streaked white hair. It shone like a yellow flame atop a white tallow candle, flowing as long as she was tall, writhing in the air around her, as if alive) and other times when they are a little vague, it would behoove you to take that same sense of seeing to the less clear parts.
Where are the invading armies from? This is a great spot for some real history. I would like to see the invaders, for example what do they look like? How are they similar/different to the defending army. I would like to see this army as well. How many men are on each side? What does the place where they battle look like? We are in Ireland right? We need to have a sight of the landscape, and how it has been affected by this battle.
Questions/comments/observations:
“Good thing I wore my armet helmet.”
Is this dialog or eternal thought? Not clear.
“Following Doe’s trail reminded Tas of the day he had nicknamed Doe. They had been treading through some thickets, when Donnan, creeping silently, had startled a mother doe and her fawn. For one second, man and doe had gazed into each other’s eyes, shocked, then the doe backed up, nudged her fawn, and both scampered away into the underbrush.”
How long ago was this? It seems that you acquire nicknames early in life.
“But then he remembered Tas was always oblivious of women, never realizing that before the womenfolk had been sent to the upper valleys for protection, the most comely wenches had always eyed him like honeyed wine. “
Awkward phrasing. Perhaps it would better in two sentences? The whole section surrounding Alyssan and the men’s relationship is a little rushed I would encourage you to slow it down a little and give us a true glimpse into the relationship.
“course, most of the ladies in waiting didn’t consider him worth marrying, he was only a King’s soldier with no land holdings of his own. He hoped if Doe chose her for wife, she never broke his heart and that the King’s promise to reward Doe a castle of his own if he won the war was not the real reason for Alyssa’a interest in his friend.”
Some great descriptions:
“He could not look away from her pure gold streaked white hair. It shone like a yellow flame atop a white tallow candle, flowing as long as she was tall, writhing in the air around her, as if alive”
“The messenger’s face alit with gladness, and her eyes glowed bright yellow, with lilac swirls. Doe stared, entranced by their change. Even though the sun had sunk behind the mountain ridges, a beam of light descended from above to shine on Doe’s limp body, lighting the area, allowing observers to see. They gasped, as the mystical woman bent over Doe’s neck and bit into it, drinking down the last of his lifeblood. When Doe’s eyes rolled back into his head, and he fainted, she sliced open her wrist with a long curved fingernail and pressed it against his mouth.
“Drink!” She commanded him. Doe slowly began to drink the blood from the messenger, until rousing, he grabbed her wrist and held it to his mouth with trembling hands”
You should describe this new mind reading power a little more thoroughly. It is kind of abrupt especial when Tas requests it.
How many men are chosen to be part of the new army?
Thanks again for posting. I look forward to reading the next part.
April Galarza
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
Read 94% of the Item
Would a head come off this easy? wouldn’t a spray of blood a mile long come out of the arteries. Your version sounds too clean and neat. I would add a little gore.
Craps! Doe got killed. Shit i knew it!
Wow a goddess! What a great action packed scene. I loved the darkened sky and the whirlwind. Good job!
You do know that a doe is a female deer. A buck is a male. When he transforms will he be a woman? You might think this over. You could call him buck though. It would be just a little change. You decide.
What features will he have as a deer? will his senses turn keener? Explain to the reader. This is a crucial part of your story. Go into more detail. Very well done. I do syntax and word usage and arrangement but i do not do puncuation. Another reviewer will. I concenrtate on plot and theme. You have done a good job capturing my attention. I liked the plot and it moves fast. There is not a lot of muddling and talking. I like your descriptions. Keep me posted. Sandi
finished spearing a young farmer. You need a comma after spearing.
Showing 1 - 7 of 7
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
4 Reviews 3 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: 4 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 73 Times
Skipped: 10 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 |
| Version 1 |