It’s present day, and Polecat’s roughly about 16-17, two years older than Whirl. Thanks for the review.
Action Adventure / Teen Templars: Year One (Ch. 1 Pt. 3)
Polecat looked out the window of the second floor class room of the condemned elementary school in West Philadelphia. The criminals he had shaken down so for that day had told him that Blitz dealers often made sales here. He had scoped out the dilapidated building and chose Room 202 as his stakeout point. Tactically, it was a sound decision; the windows had a clear view of street it faced, as well as the two nearest intersections, allowing him to see travelers coming from a variety of directions. Furthermore, there was a hole in the floor that looked right over a spot five feet in front of the school’s main entrance, allowing him to get the drop on anyone coming into the place, be they buyer or dealer. Hopefully, someone would come by that could lead him to the source.
Polecat spared a look around the old classroom and tried to imagine what it may have looked like in it‘s hey-day. It wasn’t easy. Judging from what he’d seen of the surrounding neighborhood, this place was a far cry from the prestigious schools he’d attended in his civilian identity even when it wasn’t a decaying hangout for junkies.
Polecat glanced at the cracked chalkboard and thought he could see the ancient, faint traces of math problems and vocabulary. He sighed. This had been a place of learning; even in it’s current state, it deserved better than to be a marketplace for drugs and whatever other vile trades occurred here.
The teen hero then shook his head and chuckled, the laugh echoing throughout the room. He was sixteen, he thought to himself, and that’s way too young to have such bouts of melancholy and wistfulness.
Something out the window in the distance caught his eye. Polecat pulled out his mini-binoculars to take a closer look. Something was heading this way. It was too small to be a car but moving too fast to be human, unless said human was hopped up on the latest designer drug.
Polecat quickly estimated how fast it was moving and how long it would take to get to the school and then moved into position by the hole. He counted to three, then jumped. He landed and brought the staff his staff into a thrust position, as if he were setting a spear against a charging opponent. A second later, the blur arrived and stopped, a young man’s throat a fraction of an inch away from the tip of the pole. The new arrival blinked. “Whoa.”
Polecat looked at the kid’s outfit; the Blitz must’ve warped this guy’s mind something fierce. He was dressed in blue jeans and sneakers, which wasn’t terribly unusual. What was unusual was the rest of the outfit- a blue domino mask and blue fingerless gloves. He also had on a red t-shirt emblazoned with a blue circle on the chest and blue lines spiraling out. Polecat grunted and began to speak. “Okay, pal, who are you here to meet?”
The kid’s eyes, which had been fixed on the tip of the staff, shifted to Polecat, then they blinked. “Hey, you’re Polecat!”
Polecat rolled his eyes. “Yes. Now, answer my question. Who are you meeting here?”
The kid blinked and shrugged. “You, I guess.”
Polecat gritted his teeth. “Who were you supposed meet?”
The kid shrugged again. “I don’t know.”
Polecat was getting irritated. “What do you mean you don’t know? Who’s your regular dealer?”
“What dealer?”
“The guy you came to buy Blitz from.”
The kid chuckled. “Oh, is that-? No, no. I see what the problem is. I’m not buying Blitz. I’m here to stop it.”
Polecat narrowed his eyes. “Riiight…”
“No, really, I’m a superhero. I’m the Whirligig, Jr.!” The kid then put out his hand. Polecat didn’t shake it, keeping both hands on the staff. The kid continued. “Okay, yeah, I know how this looks….”
“It looks like you’re a junkie who’s mind got so twisted you thinks you’re a superhero, and then you made yourself a crappy costume to boot.”
The Whirligig’s mouth dropped open. He was crushed. He looked down at his outfit then back at Polecat. He’d worked really hard on this costume. Well, technically, the guy at the t-shirt booth at the mall worked hard on it, but he had spent his all his birthday money on it. Granted, it wasn’t as slick as Polecat’s costume- a form-fitting green and brown bodysuit, complete with utility belt and a open-topped masked cowl that let his hair show through, but he was only 14. He put his hands on his hips and mustered as much confidence as he could.
“Now, listen- I’m not on Blitz!”
Polecat lowered his staff, and held it at his side; if this kid had wanted to start trouble, he would’ve already. “Alright, Whaler’s Leg…”
“That’s ‘Whirligig‘.”
Polecat continued. “If you’re not on Blitz, then how come you came here, at super-speed, to a place known to sell a super-speed-inducing drug?”
“Some guy gave me two addresses, told me to check this one first.”
Polecat raised an eyebrow skeptically. “Some guy?”
“Yeah. He was dressed all in black. He had a weird name, too. It was Algebra… No, maybe Apnea…”
Polecat spoke under his breath. “Apocrypha.” It couldn’t have been the same guy, could it?
The Whirligig didn’t noticed, and continued. “Anyway, he gave me two addresses, said they were leads. I came here, and you jumped me.”
Polecat looked at the Whirligig. He was beginning to think the kid was legit, at least about not being on Blitz. “If you say so. Now, get lost in case a real junkie shows up.”
The Whirligig dropped his hands from his sides. “Wait, I can help you.”
Polecat tapped his staff on the ground in an commanding gesture. “I work alone.”
The Whirligig calmly and simply countered with, “No you don’t.”
Polecat’s eyes widened; he nearly dropped his staff. Normally saying that in his gruffly affected voice worked. “… What?”
“You work with the Red Archer all the time. You‘re his sidekick.”
Polecat tried to find the right words to shut this kid up. What was it about him that got under his skin? “That’s different. I’m his partner and… and shut up!”
Polecat slapped his forehead as he immediately regretted his poor choice of words. This emboldened the Whirligig, who continued. “I’ve got super-speed. I can be helpful!”
Polecat took a deep breath and composed himself. “We’re not teaming up.”
Whirligig rubbed his chin. “Oh, it’s because we didn’t fight first, right?”
“What?!?”
“Isn’t that how other superheroes do it? After a fight due to a misunderstanding, they team up.”
Polecat pinched the bridge of his nose. “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m not teaming up with you not because we didn’t fight, but because you’re some rookie I’ve never heard of. I mean, honestly, what are you, twelve years old?”
The Whirligig scowled. “I’m fourteen.”
“Whatever. Listen, Curly Pig-”
“That’s Whirligig.”
“Whatever. Can you give me one good reason why I should let you help me?”
The Whirligig thought for a moment, then snapped his fingers. “That guy gave me another address besides this one, remember? I’m the only lead you have right now.” He then smiled at the older teenaged hero.
Polecat thought. Huh. That’s a pretty good reason. He sighed and then spoke. “Fine. Let’s go to my bike, and then you can lead the way.”
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Bex_ reviewed Version 1 -
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I’ve come to this section a little in the dark here, as I haven’t read any of the other parts. But I like the idea. You’ve got a really interesting idea here to explore; with a sort of cohort of teenagers trying to tackle a problem a lot bigger than them. And I like the way that, despite the fact that they are ‘super-heros’ they are still very childlike in the way they act towards each other.
There’s a lot more that can be explored in the prose itself. I liked your dialogue a lot but I thought that there’s a lot more of a picture that needs to been painted here.
One thing I really liked, though, was your little mini-commentary about the whole style of comic-book like prose you are writing in:
“Polecat took a deep breath and composed himself. “We’re not teaming up.”
Whirligig rubbed his chin. “Oh, it’s because we didn’t fight first, right?”
“What?!?”
“Isn’t that how other superheroes do it? After a fight due to a misunderstanding, they team up.”
Very nice touch.
As I said, there are some sections that do seem to beg for a little more in the way of creative description. There’s a lot of room to make the situation a lot darkier and seedier as it is at the moment; as, after all, the main focus of your story is about drug use. So the depiction of the dilapidated school could contain a lot more of a dark element to it, to really bring out the irony of the fact that this is the kind of place that Polecat/Whirligig really shouldn’t be.
Also, I like the fact that you make out Whirligig to be somewhat of a loser, a bit of a tag along, and over-enthusiasic about the task at hand. I think this needs to come out more in some extra description of him, accentuate the fact that he is probably going to turn out to be a rather comical character constrasting with the more enigmatic Polecat as things progress. That is, if that’s where you want to go with this.
I hope this helps. Keep it up!
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RavenJake reviewed Version 1 -
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This story mostly hits the fun that it goes for. I like the character interaction, though some of it is prototypical for superhero genre, it works. The opening, scene-setting paragraphs need some work in order to flow smoothly. Slow down and get some good descriptions in.
Here are some critical notes I took while reading, most of them address the scene setting:
(Polecat looked…West Philadelphia.)
You may want to divide this into two sentences, first with the character looking from the window, and then the place setting. Second floor, elementary school, West Philadelphia. Pushing “West Philadelphia” to another sentence may also help.
(The criminals…sales here.)
This sentence is awkward. It’s apparent that what you’re trying to say is that the character shook down some criminals, who in turn gave up the information about Blitz dealer sales. This should be reworded for clarity.
(scoped out the dilapidated)
It’s hard to see a dilapidated building. Offer words that give it a unique personality. Also, this may be personal preference, but “scoped out” and “dilapidated” sound strange together.
(windows had a clear view of street it faced)
“It faced” is not functional and redundant. Would the windows have clear views of streets that they didn’t face? Also, “windows” is plural, so check the sentence for correctness.
(allowing him to see … directions)
You described the view, you don’t need to give needless perspective and say that the character could see this view.
A possible correction would be ”...streets, as well as the two nearest intersections.” Just keep it simple, describe the view and don’t interject the character perspective unless necessary and relevant.
(Furthermore,)
What? Cut this word.
(Polecat spared, Polecat glanced, the teen hero, Polecat pulled, Polecat quickly, Polecat looked)
There is only one character so far. He, him, his is sufficient as the reader already knows who you’re talking about.
(Something out of the)
Don’t use this unless absolutely necessary. Even if it’s a black blur, say that rather than “something.”
(and brought the staff his staff into a thrust position)
(a young man’s throat a fraction of an inch away from the tip of the pole.)
Maybe I’m just too childish. Maybe I’ve had too many chuckling, low-brow innuendo conversations… Also “the staff his staff” makes no sense.
(as if he were setting a spear against a charging opponent.)
Not “as if he were” he’s actually doing that- bracing the spear for the charging object.
(He was dressed in blue jeans and sneakers, which wasn’t terribly unusual.)
Then why is it being discussed? Just bring up the striking qualities first.
The story picks up with the dialog.
Lillie_M reviewed Version 1 -
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so for that day – so far
chose Room – chosen Room
brought the staff his staff – brought his staff
I’m still enjoying this and loving the interaction between Polecat and Whirligig Jr. Very comical. Can already imagine them working together and the scraps they could get into. Won’t waste your credits with a long review as it felt pretty complete to me. I really like the fact it has a twist on the action adventure genre.
Well done. Keep it up.
FleaTheElf reviewed Version 1 -
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We’ll start with grammatical mistakes –
The criminals he had shaken down so for (should be far) that day had told him that Blitz dealers often made sales here.
He had scoped out the dilapidated building and chose (should be chosen since you started the sentence using past participle) Room 202 as his stakeout point.
allowing him to get the drop on anyone coming into the place, be they buyer or dealer. (I would change the ‘be they buyer or dealer’ part, it sounds awkward)
Something was heading this way. It was too small to be a car but moving too fast to be human, unless said (I would use that instead of said, makes it sound less slangish) human was hopped up on the latest designer drug
He landed and brought the staff his staff into a thrust position (obviously eliminate ‘the staff’ so it just says ‘his staff’)
“It looks like you’re a junkie who’s mind got so twisted you thinks (should be think, not thinks) you’re a superhero,
but he had spent his (eliminate first his ) all his birthday money on it
I think the kid should just be known as Whirligig, not The Whirligig but that’s only my opinion. If you keep The, then that is part of his name and therefore it needs to be capitalized everywhere, not just the beginnings of sentences.
The only other general critique I can give is that some of the dialogue seems to be drawn out a bit, some you might be able to cut out to make it more streamlined.
With that said, you did A LOT of really good things here. I like most of the interactions between the two kids, and I think the way the one kid screws up the other’s name is very clever. The best compliment I can give is that reading this one section makes me want to go back and read the first two parts and anything that comes after. You seem to have a very creative imagination and you get across your ideas simply enough without requiring an abundance of boring explanation. I am certainly a fan and look forward to reading more. Congrats and good luck, keep it coming. :)
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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condemned elementary school in West Philadelphia… Make sure you say the building was condemned, not the school itself. Reword.
down so “for”...So “far”, maybe?
street it faced, ...
The windows faced the street and gave him a clear view… Does this sound better?
thought he could see the ancient, faint traces of math problems and vocabulary.
Thought he could see faint traces of ancient math and vocabulary….
How old is this building? Ancient means it must be a thousand years-old. Right?
Tell the reader what is meant by ancient. A story without these facts is like a car without wheels. The reader cannot get a feel for the plot if he doesn’t know the time period it is set in.
How old is Polecat? Didn’t you infer that Polecat had seen the building before it was ancient? Explain how long he has been around.
This was an easy read, not anything to stumble over gramatically, just the above. This is very unusual. I would like to know the century this takes place in and more about Polecat and what he does. I have probably read earlier versions of this but i read so many things written in this vein, not that anything is like this. Ithink it is interesting and witty. I suggested some things above. Keep me posted on next chapters if you intend for me to read all of it in order. Sandi
Gavinswar reviewed Version 1 -
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The first thing I noticed about this piece is that its too wordy, I feel that many words and in some cases entire sentences could be omited or at the least shortened. This would bring the pacing up and make the overall read smoother and faster.
On the other hand you have some good descriptions and wording that keep this piece afloat. Its just overshadowed by the uneeded words. ]
Example:”hopefully someone….source” could have easily been added into the previous jargon.
It has a few other point like this as well. I would work on cutting it down a bit and I think it will be a good start from there.
Gavinswar
slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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This was an intriguing scene. I like the strained meeting these two superheroes have. I’m anxious to see how their relationship develops and how they meet the other teen templars.
“the staff his staff” delete ‘the staff’
“didn’t noticed” ‘notice’ not ‘noticed’
Those are the only mistakes I noticed. I can’t wait to see what happens next!
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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traces of math problems
the staff his staff-huh?
I really liked this chapter better than the last one…I decided to give this another try and glad I did. I loved the little details you gave about the school..the faded writing on the chalk board really helped me imagined the abandoned school. You wrote the spear action really well…I was also able to picture the clearly. I’m not more excited to see how that guy you introduced in Chapter 2 will join up with these two…and I also have a hard time announcing Whirlig or whatever.
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