Poetry / Pierce Me (Analysis)

Your footsteps fade here,
Engraved in this mind they sear.
Words of hate and lies and passion,
Have you learned nothing in the stories of soul-wrenching assassins?

What happens when you drown in liquor,
What happens when your eyes roll and flicker?
Fetal position as these nightmares creep in,
What happens when your luck is a dead end?

No more than a broken figurine,
These thoughts are ruthless and obscene.
I want to scream, slipping at the seams,
Leave me, leave me be…

So suck it in, drink it up,
As that beat increases I'll sink deeper into this muck.
Pay no heed to the warnings you read,
Are you in that much of a hurry to leave me?

When you go I won't forget you though,
In me you'll reside, gravitating towards suicide.
My mind will soon combust with the pressure you entrust,
I feel as thought you're sinking into dust…

One day that pounding vessel will subside,
In my hands this heart will lay, crimson ruby tide.
Wake from this sleep to slice me through,
That way I'll have things to sew when I lie awake thinking of you.

I'll stare at the glass stars sprinkled about the ceiling,
Memories without fading feeling, a fragile rose enough to send me reeling.
Can't you see what you have done?
…Sometimes I wonder if it would be different if I were a son…

You look at me and don't see a thing,
I stare at you and remember the role model you used to be.
Smoke will fill this room,
It'll help you drift away, stonily I'll watch you fade into grey.

When you go I won't forget you though,
In me you'll reside, gravitating towards suicide.
I'll carve you in, it'll dull the dwindling fear that made it all begin....
Wherever you go, don't come back to haunt me again.

Amber liquid guzzled down and I can't help but think,
What did we do to make you want to sink so deep?

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Reviews

July 01, 2009

Scarlett_156

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
25	86.7% (15 votes)	0.0%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
100	F	Denver, CO	July 28

Scarlett_156 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

You have an impressive array of words here, the subject is dramatic, and also it’s admirable that you made such an effort to stick to a rhyming scheme. I think that if this poem was trimmed a little it would probably read quite nicely.

Here are a few things that sort of jumped out at me:

Last line of first stanza WAYYY too many words, and its meaning is a bit confused. If it was a little shorter it would fit better, and its meaning might be a bit more clear. (If someone said to me: “Have you learned nothing in the stories of soul-wrenching assassins?” I would just be like, ”....Buh…?”)

Last line of the third stanza breaks the rhyme scheme for no apparent reason.

“Crimson ruby tide” is, I feel, redundant. If you need all those syllables to make the rhyme work out, then change one of the words to something else.

All in all, the poem leaves a strong impression of the speaker watching a family member drink him or herself to death.

I hope this review is helpful to you.

_~ yours in Chaos, Scarlett

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June 25, 2009

Alexandriagis

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
17	77.8% (9 votes)	28.6%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
18	F	Jacksonville, FL	November 19

Alexandriagis reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Wow… I rate with an iron-fist..

you got all 10’s…

this is amazing, so strong.. the words are like a quilt in my mind, and every single thread is the softest and strongest known to man.
I wouldn’t change a single word.