Poetry / The Pardon (Analysis)

I like the idea in your poem but I’m not sure if it’s being conveyed strongly enough. From what I read, the piece sounds like one big metaphor, about being being impisoned emotionally perhaps? or even socially? but I feel that it could definitely benefit from using stronger imagery to captivate the reader, or to make the reader feel what you are feeling. Try to paint a more vivid picture with your words, rather than just repeatedly asking questions in your lines. well, hopefully you get my point, and that you dont see this as me bashing you, but rather as constructive criticism. This poem really has potential, you just have to add some more meat to it and flesh it out. Best of luck

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August 19, 2009

by katep

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
35	88.2% (17 votes)	16.2%

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35	F	Baton Rouge, LA	September 30

thanks for your review and no i didn’t take it as bashing :)

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I love the way you capture the safety of having a place, though not much of a place.. what you adapt to becomes familiar and when you travel outside of it that can be uncomfortable. I think you need to throw in a part that plays on the idea if you were to end up there again in the same spot, or shed some light on what got you in that position to begin with.

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July 08, 2009

by katep

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
35	88.2% (17 votes)	16.2%

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35	F	Baton Rouge, LA	September 30

thanks those are some great suggestions

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In the first line I would change “they have” to ‘they’ve’

Instead of “who keep” it might sound better as ‘who’ve kept”

“outside my cell?” just ‘outside’ would be fine, you already mentioned the cell in the first line of the stanza

“of the intellect?” Personally I would leave out ‘the’.  And why can’t something beautiful be intelligent as well?

Otherwise very nice peice.  I had an extremely bad day at work today and I completely relate to this.

I like the premis of your writing and love the general direction of flow.
However, you seemingly have no set pattern, as you go from a 3 line stanza, to 2 lines, to 1, to 3, to 3.  I’d suggest something more organized because it would help keep the reader into your poem, as well as help with the general flow and though process of the work.

Great job and keep up the good work!

I like the ending…. It makes me think. Its structure though, its kinda like its being written like a stream of thoughts… but not quite. Recently Ive realized that the sentence structure of a poem is just as important as the metaphors. If you are trying to get across a sense of fear, make the sentences choppy, paniced, like breath. In this case, Id have a variety of sentence structure, long and then short, to show the confliction of thoughts.

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June 23, 2009

by katep

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
35	88.2% (17 votes)	16.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	F	Baton Rouge, LA	September 30

Thank you for your comments and suggestions. I wasn’t sure if this was any good.

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