Thanks for the review. I didnt even notice that I had that many mistakes. I thought I caugh the majority of them. Thanks for that. Im glad you liked it! :)
Romance / Something To Believe In
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Michelle sat amidst a sea of boxes. Most of David things were packed as well as some of her belongings. She had been successful at making the place appear uninhabited but she soon came to realize that packing away David's possessions didn’t erase the memories that went with them, nor the new found hurt she experienced when she thought of him.
The week that proceed David’s funeral had been a blur, for both her and Lucas, but together they managed to get through it. The funeral itself- a somber, silent affair.
As much as she would have like to stay and pity herself for her hardships, she had a life to get back to. There were people that counted on her, bands that put their future into her hands.
Michelle stood to survey all she had done.
“Thought I might find you here”. A dry voice from the doorway startled her.
She whirled around, heart thudding in her chest but as soon as she recognized the intruder , Michelle visibly relaxed.
“Luke what are you doing here? It’s late.”
"I looked for you and you’re things were gone,” he replied, hands shoved into his pockets.
Michelle sighed. "Thought I’d get a head start on some things here, she gestured to the boxes on the floor. Besides I didn’t want to wear out my welcome. "
Their eyes locked and she eyed him curiously noting the weariness in his pose and remembering the restlessness she heard in voice. "You okay? " Michelle asked hesitantly.
Lucas nodded in response, but was she was hardly convinced. He dropped his eyes and turned away.
In the dull light of the room; Michelle watched as he surveyed his surroundings perhaps in quiet remembrance.
"Luke you didn’t have to come.” Michelle’s soft voice drew him back to her.
He stared at her, surprised and shook his head. “I wanted to. I had to. I’ve been dreading coming here.”
Uneasy, Michelle tilted her head, her face still worried. “Okay. Do you want to be alone?”
“You don’t have to leave .” After a few seconds of silence Lucas cleared his throat, drew a breath. "So, you ‘re packing up the past?" He took a step further into the room.
"Not everything, but some things. She paused. If that makes any sense.”
Lucas was quiet for a moment, thoughtful. “Who would have thought we’d be here right now?”
Michelle stepped forward and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, before embracing him completely.
“Before I forget” , Michelle started as she pulled away from their embrace. "I saved this for you, I thought you should have it. You don’t already have a copy do you?” She walked over to the mantle and picked up a picture taken of both David and Lucas.
Lucas made his way over to Michelle, and removed the picture from her grasp. His blue eyes roved over it, taking it in. The edges of the picture were worn down to a soft crinkle and a bend around the left upper corner made whatever hand writing on the back difficult to read. He chuckled, low and rich.
"What?" Michelle asked.
“David and I weren’t even speaking when we took this picture, but his mom just had to have a new picture of the two of us. Michelle stared at him, perplexed.
“David didn’t tell you?”
"No. Care to enlighten me ?"
“This photo was taken after David accused me of being in love with you.” Lucas laughed lightly and rubbed the back of his head.
“What? When?” Michelle asked.
“Right after the two of you were married. Of course I told him I wasn’t, but he didn’t believe me . We didn’t really speak for weeks after that. It sucked.”
“He never told me that,” but I shouldn’t be surprised, right?” Michelle responded almost inaudibly.
Michelle glanced at Lucas before going into the kitchen to retrieve them both a glass of water. “So you weren’t in love with me?” Michelle asked jokingly asked with feigned cockiness.
“Nope, not this guy,” Lucas boasted playfully. “You’re green eyes and legs didn’t work for me.”
Although Michelle smiled she couldn’t explain why she felt a slight wave of disappointment wash over her upon his answer. There was a time she used to believe there was hope for the of them, but opportunity presented itself in the form of David. He offered her everything she could ever want , and who was she not to take it. He loved her, and she loved him. She did. At least she wanted to believe she did.
Lucas looked at the picture one more time before pocketing it. Guilt tore at him, he never did apologize for lying to David- for denying his accusations back then and now he’d never get the chance.
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Michelle sat drawing on her bed, the fine line of her brow furrowed in deep concentration, as she tried to drown out her worries through her art. Her pencil moved with violent precision against the sketch pad, but she was hardly impressed by what she had produced. A frown settled on her lips at the sight.
A knock on the door drew Michelle from her thoughts, quickly she flipped over the drawing concealing its contents.
"Are you decent?" Lucas asked, as he playfully covered his eyes, hoping his antics would dispel any lingering tension from the awkward encounter the night before.
Michelle laughed. "What are you doing, crazy?” She slid toward the middle of the bed. “And just to be clear, I wasn't the one walking around naked in someone else’s house. You should know better."
"Naked? I was hardly naked." Lucas clarified, stepping into the room.
No, he wasn’t completely naked, that was a slight exaggeration on her part but as she recalled the way his boxers hung low at his waist he had hardly left anything to one's imagination.
Heat stole into her cheeks as unexpected desire coursed through her. She hid her face behind her hair and she desperately tried to will the image away.
"Fine, whatever. Lets not talk about it anymore."
"Okay", Lucas agreed with a nod of his head, though he smiled at how easily flustered she had become. To refrain from talking about it would be the easy part , but willing his mind to not think about it was another matter in itself.
"You were gone before I could get break feast started this morning, do anything interesting today” ? Michelle asked.
“You mean other than take a cold shower.”
"Luke!", Michelle exclaimed as she put her face into her hands.
“Kidding”, he retorted with a playful glint is his eye. No, Not really,” Lucas then replied.
Michelle looked up at him immediately. “You’re lying. Have you been seeing the baby?”
Lucas ran a hand through his hair and sank down onto the edge of the bed. “I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about it. You aren’t mad are you?”
He looked at her for any signs of anger or disappointment, but her expression was guarded. Not sure if that was a good thing, to be safe Lucas mentally prepared himself any sudden reactions.
“I understand Luke”. That was the truth; she had no choice but to understand. No matter the choices David made in the time that she’d known him, Lucas’ loyalty to him has never faltered, and she didn't expect that to change now. She admired that.
“You do?” She nodded in affirmation. “Good.”
“So, since we’re being honest here is there anything you’d like to tell me?”
.
“No. Not that I can think of,” Michelle replied as she eyed him skeptically.
A smile tugged at the corners of Lucas' lips. “Now you’re the one that’s lying. The nurse told me she ran into a blonde that fit your description at the hospital earlier today. In fact she pretty much described you to a tee.”
A rush of embarrassment climbed up into Michelle’s face and she had to look away. “ I guess you caught me.” She looked at him and offered him a tensely apologetic smile. “I’m sorry about before. It was never my intention to make you feel guilty about seeing Melissa.”
“I know," Lucas acknowledged. “I take it that is wasn’t your first time visiting her.”
Michelle let a frustrated sigh escape her lips. “Why can’t I just be normal? I want so hard to stay angry at David, to resent the baby and not feel an ounce of remorse, but I can’t.“ I’ve seen her almost everyday this week,” she confessed softly.
Lucas leaned into Michelle, their shoulders pressed together. “You’re not abnormal Michelle. You just have a good heart, you’ve always have. It sets you apart from most of the people I know.”
Michelle smiled at his words, genuinely touched, but she couldn’t help but wonder if Lucas thought David had a good heart taking into account what they knew now. It was at the tip of her tongue to ask for his opinion, but she thought better of it. She didn’t want things to become awkward or strained between them. Over the last few weeks they had been enjoying each other company, she didn’t want that to change.
“Do you have an update on Melissa?” Michelle asked.
“You mean other than still being sick and parentless ? If so, then no.”
A silence lapsed between them.
Lucas scratched his head and looked at her. “The nurse asked if I would consider taking her in temporarily.” He let out a small chuckle. “Can you believe that?”
Michelle eyed her feet. She hadn’t expected that. What if the staff had asked her?
Although Lucas had laughed at what Michelle presumed to be the possible absurdity of raising Melissa---or being a father when he least expected it---she could tell that he was actually contemplating the matter. “I can believe it. You’d make a great father Luke.”
Lucas smiled and for a while she sat and listened attentively to him as he informed her of his fears, but she was also listening for the question she was certain he would ask of her at any moment. Lucas stopped talking, his hand moved slowly to hers and took hold of it. She heard him take a breath which she could only assume was for courage. She watched as his mouth opened.
“Michelle-”
“ Luke if you’re going to ask me to accompany you in taking care of Melissa, I don’t think I can.” Her eyes fell shut for a second. “I can’t.”
“How did you know I was going to ask ?” She shrugged.
It shouldn’t have surprised him as much as it did. If there was ever any indication that she knew it should have been when he felt her tense beside him and her hand begin to pull away from his.
Lucas stood from where he was perched on the desk. “You can’t or you wont?” He countered in hopes that she’d clarify. “I was under the impression that you liked her and enjoyed spending time with her.”
“I do,” she paused. “But visiting her and taking her in as my own are two different things.”
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decemberskye reviewed Version 1 -
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paigemc reviewed Version 1 -
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David things= David’s things
I would give Michelle’s full name. Make her more immediately familiar to the reader. Same with Lucas. Give Lucas’s full name AND his relationship to the situation. I would have presumed him to be Michelle’s son.
you’re= your
Let me stop here a minute—there are a lot of grammatical and punctuation errors. Misplaced semicolons, misplaced or missing quotation marks, skipping letters from words or using the wrong words, etc. One or two (in an entire chapter), an agent may ignore, but when they come almost every sentence, an agent will put it down, send it back and tell you to edit it—unless of course the writing is absolutely superb otherwise. This is okay writing, soft, maybe early romance starting, but all the punctuation errors keep taking my attention away from concentrating on the story. That isn’t a good thing. You don’t want anything to take away from the story.
Next point- a lot of modifying verbs. ‘boasted playfully’ ‘responded almost inaudibly’ use stronger verbs instead. Same with “telling phrases” like ‘visibly relaxed.’ Don’t tell us she relaxed, show us how she relaxed—her shoulders loosened or slumped, her jaw relaxed, etc.
Okay- about the story—it’s really bland. There should be tremendous emotion here. Her husband is dead, killed in a car accident with his mistress, by whom he fathered a child. Even if there isn’t tremendous emotion, there should be tremendous dulling of emotion. I didn’t feel it. And I think that information is critical to the story-line, and the set-up should be clear in the first chapter. The reader should immediately know how hard it was to plan the funeral, to properly grieve when you are still filled with anger over the lies and deceit, to be torn between wanting to throw away everything David left behind, and wanting to cling to it at the same time. And if Lucas was his best friend, then personally, I might not trust him, because he surely would have known about David’s cheating. That would be the tension that creates a breach between Lucas and Michelle, yet their prior love, and their (at-one-time) mutual love for David pulls them back together. But instead it is soft-love bland, floating on clouds.
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Trina reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a really good section of a story. I hope to see more of it one day. Aside from the few typos which I am no stickler for the story read cohesively and was engaging. You seem to have a good grasp on who your characters are and where they are going which is the hallmark for an engaging plot. Thanks for the read.
mistywebb reviewed Version 1 -
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There’s alot of good stuff here to work with. The few suggestions I have are to suit my own personal taste, which is for complex romance. If you don’t share that preferance, then feel free to dismiss the rest of this review.
Consider making David and Lucas brothers. This would thicken the plot, explain the closeness between Michelle and Lucas as well as make the nurse offering custody of Melissa to Lucas more probable. The attraction between Lucas and Michelle is very obvious. I think romance is hotter when chemistry is hinted at. If I were at the driving wheel of this piece I would make Lucas a total flirt. That way I would get away with some steamy dialogue and have Michelle dismiss it as Lucas being Lucas. I may make a character out of the nurse on day duty with Melissa. Make her hot, maybe call her Stacey. Have Stacey and Lucas do a little more than friendly banter, add another dimension to the love triangle.
Overall, good stuff. The dialogue needs some attention and there are some quotation points out of place, but that’s petty stuff. I’m definately interested to see where this goes from here. Please keep me posted!
dove2010 reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall, I liked it. Your dialogue flows pretty well. The reader can tell that there is an obvious attraction between Michelle and Luke, also that they’re fighting that attraction. I tried to be as helpful as I could in the suggestions I made below and I hope I didn’t do anything that you would take offense to.
“Lucas nodded in response, but was she was hardly convinced”....take away the first “was”
“he surveyed his surroundings perhaps in quiet remembrance”....add a comma before “perhaps”
“Luke you didn’t have to come”....comma after “Luke”
“He stared at her, surprised and shook his head”....comma after “surprised”
“Not everything, but some things. She paused. If that makes any sense.”….her, you’re make it seem like Michelle is saying, “She paused.” You need to put quotes indicating when the talking stops and when it starts back up again.
“Before I forget” , .... comma goes inside quotations
“I saved this for you, I thought you should have it”....change the comma to a period. It flows better.
“He never told me that,” but I shouldn’t be surprised, right?”…..you don’t need the quotes before “but”
“Michelle asked jokingly asked with feigned cockiness”....try changing it to: “Michelle asked jokingly, feigning cockiness” it flows better
“There was a time she used to believe there was hope for the of them”....i think you mean “hope for the two of them”....also end the sentence here and make the next part a stand alone sentence.
“and who was she not to take it.”...the period should be a question mark
“No, he wasn’t completely naked, that was a slight exaggeration on her part but as she recalled the way his boxers hung low at his waist he had hardly left anything to one’s imagination”.....you should break this sentence up into separate, shorter sentences. Try: “No, he wasn’t completely naked. That was a slight exaggeration on her part. But, as she recalled, the way his boxers hung low at his waist had hardly left anything to one’s imagination”
“Heat stole into her cheeks as unexpected desire coursed through her.” I love this sentence. Just had to say it.
“break feast”....breakfast
“prepared himself any sudden reactions”....”for” goes after “himself”
“You just have a good heart, you’ve always have”....”you’ve” should be “you”
“enjoying each other company”....”each other’s”
Dayle reviewed Version 1 -
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I found this piece very moving and would definetly like to read it from start to finnish. Even with just this small part from the middle of the story you’ve made the reader feel involved. It’s both relatable and realistic. And I assume I’m not the only one that wants to continue reading and find that Michelle and Lucas have decided to raise the baby as there own. Keep up the good work.
msstma reviewed Version 1 -
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a very good plot line! there is a lot of angles you put on this!
Suggestions:
break the 3rd sentence in the 1st para into two.
2nd para: proceeded, not proceed
3rd para: liked, not like
near end of page 1, should be she was, not was she
Luke says he looked for her (michelle) looked for her where? At her home, is she packing up her husbands things from his job?
pge 3, 2nd sentence, remove quotes after ’...that’. and in the 6th para remove the words ‘the of’
near the end, put the ‘she shrugged’ on a different line, otherwise it almost looks like Michelle said ‘how did u know…?”
your writing reads very naturally and your good at the conversation.
i hope u don’t mind my suggestions! good luck!
Story:
didn’t get the whole ‘are u decent?’ scene. is Luke staying at her house? say that in the beginning of the story. & if so, why? is he from out of town?
the hosp asking Luke to take the baby? not very realistic. why would they do that? tell why they wouldn’t offer it to her family. (say she left no one behind) more realistic would be Luke heard them asking if anyone from the baby’s fathers family (Michele) would be interested in baby.
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