Short Story / Reality

Although I will say that the dark ending had a somewhat effective “glow” for my taste, I found for such a short piece, there was some awkwardness in the sentence structure to this.  ie.

The display rotated (past tense) lazily as the cakes sat (past tense)there in their delectable attires, looking at the world passing (past tense) them by as they turn (“turn around” indicates present tense) around and around.

“Desirable, yet almost untouchable.”  Fragmented sentences is like jaywalking in literature.  Some do it to make it sound like conversation or being spoken to rather than giving off a point of imagery.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  In a piece this small, I would suggest veering from using fragments.

“Before she could get a long(,) hard look…”

Overall, I kind of liked it, but would have liked more definition to the ending.  Like who was about to be carried off in the ambulance.  Best wishes and write on!

J.L. Campbell
www.jlcampbellbooks.com  

as they turned, opposed to turn…

so did the mother just get hit by a car? This is pretty good writing, but I think it would benefit from a couple hundred more words – how did the girl get there, what was going on before hand? what happened to the mother and are the sirens for her? if so, how do they know to come? i do like the imagry of the girl and the cakes in the window.

I think this piece is a little too short to enjoy as a short story. This is more along the lines of “flash fiction”

Otherwise I don’t see any real mistakes in this piece, it was pretty well written, I’ll give a seven for what I was able to get of the piece, no matter how short it was.

short and cute, made me laugh

This is very well written. I like your diction and it flows nicely. It is short, which gives a good impact. I would describe the little girl more, besides “laughing at how shabbily she dressed.” I take it these people are poor, and the girl is blinded by the awe of the cakes and doesnt even notice her mother is hurt/dying. Maybe just make these things a little more obvious (if that is what you intended). But there is more mystery in leaving it as is, which creates the impact and causes the reader to think. So either way I think this is a great story, good job. ;)

I like this. Your description of the cakes is beautiful. Will this piece carry on? I think it should.

‘Before she could get a long hard look and imagine how they would taste like,’

You need to decide between ‘how they would taste’ or ‘what they would taste like’

Nothing like a short but sweet story such as this.  It really pulled at my heart at the very end.

However, I’m curious as to know more about the little girl.  What did she look like?  Exactly how old is she?  Of course I realize she must be very young to not understand her mother’s situation, but I would have liked to know more.  And reactions of those on the scene could be really heart-wrenching.

If you leave the story “as-is” it is still a beautiful piece of work.  I really loved it.

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September 28, 2006

by juzdawn

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Hi edspencer… Just thought I’ll let you know. I intentionally left out details about the little girl. I wanted to leave it up to the reader to conjure up a mental image of what this little girl will look like because poverty has many faces and it does not do it any justice to give it a fixed image.

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I wish you would have kept on writing and told about why there were sirens at all. Also, explaining the little girls situation would add more zest to it. Telling more about the girl will catch more readers and make them want to read more. Other wise, it is simply wonderful!