Thanks. Now that I’ve seen your review I’m going to have to review you and tell you that “no, you’re much awesomer than I”
Poetry / Polaris (Analysis)
The stars whispered to me, looking for their sister.
A sister who had fallen to earth.
I lied, told them I hadn’t seen you.
I hope you weren’t made for the heavens;
My hope is that you were made for me.
The ocean bellowed in rage through her breakers.
She spoke to me of her missing soul, I ignored her pleas.
Your blue-grey eyes betray you and the soul you stole.
Depths within them draw my breath away.
I am lost at sea. Polaris, bring me back in.
The roses cried out to me, wailing their lost pedals.
I sympathize with them. I know the thief and her smooth skin.
Every moment you’re in my arms I remember their cries.
Every moment you are away I join in their sorrow.
Star, lead me back into your soft embrace.
Mother Earth came to me, demanding the return of her power.
I could not respond. I feel her in the beating of your heart.
For with every beat my emotions quake and erupt,
Destroying every wall I raise up.
Yet this chaos I endure as long as you remain.
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lovelee1313 reviewed Version 2 -
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Beautiful imagry, the flow is smooth. The rythm in sweet and the the connections are raw. The only line for me that feels a little out of place, maybe to obvious “My hope is that you were made for me.”
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brokenhand reviewed Version 2 -
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Most of this is beautiful. I do think that there are some revisions you could make in order to improve. I would take out (the) in front of (heavens). It sounds better without the article. I would replace the word soul with a symbol. Soul makes the poem sound, I don’t know cliche? The ocean could be looking for something concrete that would represent what you are trying to convey. I would replace sorrow with another word for crying. You have set up this stanza with tears quite nicely, I can imagine the whole thing. But I can’t feel sorrow, it’s an abstraction. Sobbing.
Nicely done.
LCDobbs reviewed Version 2 -
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Beautiful! Very creative and I love the sorrow coupled with the joy in your prose. The sadness that your love has caused the elements by leaving them and the defenseless love that they have given you is lovely. Well done.
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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I adore every line of this except the first line. How is this?
The stars whispered to me, looking for their sister.
A star whispered a story to me.
It was about their sister who had fallen to earth..
I have removed the repetition. Either way i like it. It flows well and it is very romantic. Sandi
PoeticMisconceptions reviewed Version 2 -
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Okay, wow.
my favorite part was:
‘The roses cried out to me, wailing their lost pedals.
I sympathize with them. I know the thief and her smooth skin.’
My advice to you is to have a bit more rhythm. You have voice, and depth. Now you just need some solid structure. You know, ABAB, ABCC, stuff like that.
I wish you the best of luck!
hovercraft reviewed Version 2 -
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I really liked this because of its flow. I’m sure you get a lot of that so I’ll explain: it’s free verse and has a lot of beautiful wording and phrases, but it’s not the cliche free verse and beautiful wording you usually see on this site. It kind of reminds me of my own writing style…if I was better. Props
AllMyLoveC reviewed Version 2 -
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I can’t think of anything I would change.. I really think this is good the way it pulls the reader in… keep writing!
loserlucky89 reviewed Version 2 -
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The first verse of the poem really draws you in. However, once you continue on it starts to not make very much sense. The expressions you use are very empowering and I love the word choice, however it just doesn’t really fit together quite yet, but I’m sure with a little revising it can get there.
KidTruth reviewed Version 2 -
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I hate to be brief but this needs more. You had a few good lines – ’ The ocean bellowed in rage through her breakers.’ but there wasn’t enough form or powerful simile to keep me attached. It seems like some sort of general longing for a female with a few references to stars.
More alliteration, more rhythm, more rhyme, stronger similes and metaphors. Put me there.
Or, do it without the word play but you’d better bring the Ezra out.
ramon reviewed Version 2 -
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Very powerful poetry. I can sense the emotions and the passion you had when writing this. The rhythm and the timing is perfect, it was short and terse but contains a lot of content beneath the words. There is depth – more meaning to what’s being said. What is it? I’m not sure – but that’s not important. I did ‘feel’ it which is what counts in poetry and in art. Excellent work.
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