Thank you very much. Yeah I am not sure how to make it clearer and I really need to keep the conversation as it is a key element to Malit grasping some of what Axia is , as well as hint to who created her (the same guy with the bare sign in his hair =>Sfax). Do you think actually saying that would help understanding?
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Beyond The Dreams - Chapter 5
Chapter 5
The iron doors opened, Malit engaged in the principal alley of subterranean level 20. It was sometime after noon. He felt worn out, his mind stretched to exhaustion and without any concrete conclusion. Since the last fight and his confrontation with Axia, his views concerning her had evolved drastically. He should have anticipated that things could only get more complicated. Axia had shown once again how different she really was. He should have known her as he had been the one who had “molded” her; but his hold was slowly sliding away. He could not fight the idea that Axia was a huge question mark, their previous proximity now almost fictive. She sheltered so many possibilities, Malit felt powerless as he could not imagine what her true nature would reveal. She had put him through her memories and had controlled an imposed reminiscence, what would come next? Indeed, she had protected him, dissimulating his illegal intervention. She had changed, at least temporarily, her residual memory, deleting Malit’s involuntary order. Everything else about the fight had remained the same; she had proven Sfax wrong. Malit was still trying to explain how she had been able to control the reminiscence process.
After walking a few minutes among never-ending halls made of hundreds of identical doors, Malit faced the entrance of his concox: N° 3453 - Malit Bridlez Gix, only details differentiating his door from any others. He was about to start the vocal screening when a voiced leaped out behind him.
“This fear proper to humans to protect their property even among brothers will never be outgrown, will it?” Malit heard behind him.
He recognized the voice instantly. Even though he heard it rarely, he could have picked it out of hundreds. He turned around to meet his friend’s gaze who was wearing a black coat whose hood had been thrown back on his shoulders. His hair, transparent strings, fell to the top of his shoulder blades. His face had not changed one bit, even after so many years; the same aquiline nose; the cheeks hallow, accentuating the cheek bones; Malit could draw the jaw bones under the thin skin of his face; his eyes, filled with white, characteristic of his condition, stared at him blankly. Malit looked away; he could not withhold this expressionless glare.
“And you are still wrinkle free.” Malit answered hollowly.
He turned back to face the door. All of a sudden, he did not want to get in this place he knew empty, deserted…only inhabited by an intertextual voice forever impersonal.
“Come Malit. We need to go somewhere together; I need to speak to you about her.”
Instinctively, Malit knew who Louimiol was referring to. He also knew that his friend only left his trance on rare occasions and for short periods of time. He followed Loumiol’s steps marked by the black tail of his coat floating behind him, trying to keep up with his quick pace. He knew that in a few hours, he would know more than he had every wished to.
*
His father’s image came back, restlessly in front of his yes; that same shaven hair, forming a short Mohawk on his head, the impressing sign of his condition burned on his scalp, marking through hairless curves his position in the System…demanded respect. A worrisome countenance had habited Sfax’s face, uncertain, angry; his eyes, deep and round, black balls in the center of their orbits, had lost some of their usual harshness to shelter a hint of humanity. For a few seconds, that face had not been the same; for an instant, it had been the one of a father.
Erin still felt the pressure of his father’s hand on his shoulders…still heard the austerity of his name in his genitor’s mouth…even though his face had betrayed him, language had remained his best weapon, as striking as ever. Erin had not known how to explain his behavior. For the first time, he had not had a straight answer for his creator. But how could he have explained something he did not understand himself. He did not know why he had stood there; sweating abundantly, his look fix…he could not understand how he had been brought to re-live one of his nightmares. The images had pierced his mind, breaking, as he was still looking at the slave, detailing her body. The violent images had played, drowning his eyes… He had recognized them with no hesitation, this nightmare only a few nights old. It had been the first time that it had resurfaced…in mid-day! There was no explanation. He was dumbfounded and confused as his father had addressed him, impatient at the lack of response. He had finally shaken the shock off to mumble a quick apology for his father’s benefit. Sfax had not pushed the issue but Erin knew too well that Sfax would not forget the event.
Maybe did Erin not want to understand after all? How could his nightmare emerge? What about the proximity he had felt? Why had it hit him as soon as he had entered the room?
A swooshing noise, the Screen had received a message. Slowly, very slowly, he walked towards it. Barefoot, he felt relaxed, light, he enjoyed this pure sensation. Mechanically, he ordered the opening of the message. He read:
Assignation to your first exercise:
The fight will take place on the ninth, at the second hour, in the principal arena of Gagar City. You will be assigned female analysis. More information about their characteristics are available to you at the orientation station.
From the random selection resulted:
Master Malit Bridlez Gix from the Macdalas Community with his female slave…
“Axia.”
The name crossed his lips before his eyes could read it. He remembered the drum, that body, that face…
*
The memory of the soft contact of the lawn was distant. He vaguely remembered this sensation he had buried with his childhood. Life’s obligations had quickly caught up with him and with it, had taken away most of the unaltered pleasures. A small breeze ran through his hair, caressing his face. Malit stared at the expressionless eyes in front of him, white globes…he could feel the bony hands around his wrists monitoring his cardiac rhythm, the skin rough against his.
He tried to relax, slowly releasing the tension built up in his muscles.
“Open up to me Malit. Be receptive!”
Louimiol started the development; the orbits became transparent, screen-like. Malit felt himself pulled to those eyes as Louimiol was instituting a connection, getting his memory out, placing his vision for Malit to see.
Forgetting his body, Malit focused on his mind. He felt as if he was falling forward…the landscaped twirled …everything became black around him except for those eyes…silence stretched…the first imaged surged out of the opened eyes. More and more images came. Malit, observing, quickly understood…
…two men faced a computer…a scientist in a white blouse and a city man…the scientist was unknown but the other man looked familiar. Between them sat a massive Computaplex. A genotype-phenotype revealed on its screen. Judging from the shape of the chromosomes, it must have come from a Faulxis’. However, the embryo could not possibly be viable. The usual forty nine chromosomes were now a spread of a hundred…without a doubt, a genetic anomaly.
The voice of the two men reached him. Malit listened intently:
“We have to abandon the project.”
The scientist had a tiny voice, shrieking, but remained respectful.
“This is out of the question. We have to go all the way. We can not give up now, so close to our goal…”
The young voice of an aggressive nature sounded just as familiar as the looks of his owner.
“Yet, it is necessary. The Icox is sending an investigation comity. If they discover Milna, we are going straight to…”
He did not finish his sentence but lowered his gaze now transpiring ultimate fright.
“…if we must…”
“…”
“What about Milna?”
The City Man’s voice sounded tired, resigned.
“Listen,” the scientist said, “this is your project. I am only part of the executing force. All the results are yours, including Milna. I will take care of the machines and of the staff. You take care of the embryo.”
The City Man did not answer straight away. There was no need to fight fatality, better to submit to it.
“What about ourselves?”
“A simple reciprocal wipe out, the scientist said, matter-of-factly.”
“Nothing will ever remain of the AIC project after that, he answered, hostile.”
The lab coat nodded, starting to walk away, his head hanging. The other man’s eyes followed him, despiteful. He turned towards the monitor, stroked the flat surface with his the tip of his fingers, thoughtful, and shook his head in regret.
For the first time, he turned his back to the screen.
Malit saw the bare insigna…everything stopped and the world came back to life.
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bravis reviewed Version 1 -
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I tend to type as I read – bear with me…
Your synopsis was enough to draw me into this, which is a sign of a good story idea. The concept seemed original and I was keen to read it, even though it was a later chapter.
That said I think your story is struggling to surface through the translation exercise at times. As a monolinguist I am in awe of anyone able to speak two languages, let alone translate prose from one into the other, but that said, if you want this story to be successful in English there is still some way to go to improve the readability and flow. The biggest issue I have with it so far is your tendency to use really complex vocabulary on occasion, and this is something I have seen in practically every piece of translation, or writing by people whose first language is not English on Urbis. If you hadn’t said this was a translation, I would assume you were an amateur writer writing with a thesaurus open next to them at all times, looking for more complicated language to use in the hope of making your writing sound more sophisticated. Of course the exercise of translation probably means doing exactly this and this can lead to poor vocab choices. The occasional difficult word can add weight to your writing, but throwing them in throughout is making your writing over-fussy and confuses the meaning. Some examples, with adjustments, from the first page…
their previous proximity now almost fictive – their previous relationship now seemed false.
She sheltered so many possibilities – she offered so many
dissimulating his illegal intervention – disguising his illegal act
Moving on, never be outgrown, will it?” Malit heard behind him. – repetition of the voice being behind him.
Watch out for overuse of adverbs. The occasional one is okay, but using them a lot makes your writing sound a little weak, particularly when they follow a verb, however the one that bothered me was:
His father’s image came back, restlessly in front of his yes; – restlessly is the wrong word to use here anyway, but it’s a strange place to put it. I think you mean the image kept coming back and that this was bothering him in some way. If so rephrase as ‘His father’s image kept appearing before his eyes’ and then show us he is bothered by it by having him tossing and turning (if in bed?) or rubbing his eyes and shaking his head.
his genitor’s mouth – just say ‘father’s’. Over-fussy language again. Ditto ‘creator’. Avoid referring to a character with a large number of different character references since it can lead to the reader thinking there are multiple characters there when there is only one. In the first two paragraphs of the second section you have used four for Erin’s father: Sfax, father, genitor, creator. At the most use Sfax and father. If you feel like you are repeating them too much then it is probably more an issue of having too many character references rather than a need to vary them. It is only Erin in this scene, and we know he is thinking about his father, therefore you can get away with less references.
The ‘Development’ (which I think should be capitalised along with ‘Reminiscence’) was well written – good description of Malit going into the trance.
The dialogue at the end - some in italics, some not. Also a punctuation error on the last line of dialogue.
despiteful – you can say something in a despiteful way, but eyes alone can’t really be despiteful. You need to describe the whole expression a little more – eyes narrow and glittering, lips turned up in a thin smile. Or show it through dialogue.
The Development scene seems a little contrived at the moment – like this character Louimiol has been created for the sole purpose of delivering this next plot twist. This feeling will be dispelled in later chapters if he remains in the story, but it would also be reduced at this point by having a little more explanation for why he’s turned up and why they decide to do the Development. Maybe that was in the previous chapter?
Story wise this has real promise, but the writing has some way to go before this will become as enjoyable a read as it could be. Get rid of overly fussy vocabulary and then hand this to someone for a good going over with a red pen. English is such a complicated and subtle language with so many different ways to say things, different word orders, etc that it makes translation of fiction writing all the more difficult. Something can be correctly translated, but still not be good writing. Stick at it though since large parts of this were fine and were very easy reading.
Story wise I wouldn’t say I am completely hooked into it, but that’s probably to be expected coming in on Chapter 5, but you obviously have some interesting plot developments coming, and the story idea remains interesting and original.
Hope this helps.
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dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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Forgetting his body – This paragraph is well described. I feel like I was the one looking to Louimiol’s eyes. [He felt as if he was falling forward…the landscaped twirled …everything became black around him except for those eyes…silence stretched…the first imaged surged out of the opened eyes. More and more images came.] I like how you use the surroundings, such as the landscape twirled…
I remembering reading a previous chapter and though I haven’t read it from the beginning it’s a very intriguing story. I don’t have any suggestions because I think the flow was smooth. I’m pretty sure there were grammar and spelling errors but it was probably something that didn’t stick out and bite my nose. I’ll definitely will be reading the previous posts though so I have a better understand of who is who and their importance.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is the first chapter that I could completely follow. I didnt know what the two guys at the end was talking about, but I’m sure you’ll clear that up. Keep with this story, this is an original plot and world..You really know how to make an conversation interesting when pointing out their voice tones…you’re good with detail. Just try not to over complicate the plot…it was flowing well and then you dropped in the conversation about Milna kind of throwing me off.
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