Very good feedback. Thank you! I will work on it and put an even newer revision up…soon. Thanks.
Short Story / Unwelcomed Visitor
You wrote me this letter telling me how ‘he’ was no good for me and how you would treat me better. You knew you couldn’t really do anything more than hope my spirits were lifted by you thoughtfulness. You couldn’t literally mean what you said in those pages, you were marred and your wife is my friend. Surely, you were just trying to bring comfort because you were tired of watching me hurt. I read the letter in the bathroom stall where I wouldn’t be interrupted. The first time through the I could not believe my eyes, so I read it again to be sure. My shoulders sank because there’s no way that you could even fulfill what you said in those pages. You should have left me alone and let me carry on hurting until I got tired of it. I would have eventually gotten tired. I began to walk out the side door of the mall when you caught up to me grabbing my arm.
“Well?”
“Well, what?”
“What did you think of the letter?”
“It was nice.”
“Nice?”
“Yeah, nice.” I shrugged and headed out of the door.
“So, what are we going to do about it?”
“There’s nothing we can do about it. Thanks for the kind words though. I know you care about what happens to me.” Oh I wished there was something we could do.
“Why isn’t there?”
“Um, you’re married, as you have forgotten.” I shook my head in amazement that you didn’t get it. My new longing for what you promised in those pages was unwelcomed. I now had something else to mourn over, something else that could not be mine. We were standing face to face.
“What are we going to do?”
I foolishly admit, “I’ve been attracted to you since we met, but you chose to date and marry my friend you know it’s not right for us to even be talking like this.”
“Listen,” you said, “It’s not like that. I just think you deserve better than what you’ve been getting.”
“Thank you for that.” I get in my car, while you’re standing there. As I pull off I wave goodbye.
That night I read the letter again with my hand between my thighs, fantasizing about us making love just like you described. I pressed my thighs together to try and stop the flow of excitement. My pillow became you, Brian. I kiss you and dry hump another pillow. We’re making love now. The troubles I had with ‘him’ were faded memories that instant. In fact ‘he’ and I had broken up, he just didn’t know it.
The next day I went to the naughty store to pick out a toy and named it after you. It’s not right to sleep with your friend’s husband. I avoided you and stopped attending the family functions with you all. I was always busy. On occasion I switched the story up and was sick sometimes. I was sick, sick knowing I could be really making love to someone who would appreciate me. But you’re not mine, nor will you ever be. The invitation was wanted, not welcomed. Your secret is safe with me. How did you know that you could trust me not to tell her? I feel so guilty like I took you up on your offer.
Your wife, my friend she finally gave up asking me to come to family functions. She had assumed I was having a hard time dealing with the break up. That got me off the hook so I let her think that. She told me that it would get better eventually. That there is someone out there for me, she promised. She didn’t know I was dry humping my pillow and buzzing my gadget in honor of you each night.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 2 -
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Ah, towards the end I got confused about who she was crushing and who she was actually married to. I understand what you were doing but this sentence threw me off:
. It’s not right to sleep with your friend’s husband.
I couldnt pin down the relationship between her and the crush.
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cursorblock reviewed Version 1 -
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This can go one of two ways from this point, I’m thinking. Either she gets with him or she doesn’t. She seems very conflicted but wanting to do the right thing and since she has held out this long I see her making it and finding someone new.
I would have liked a little more background into her relationship with (the prior boyfriend and why that didn’t work) as well as with (her girlfriend). Showing us these portions of her life will help us understand this character more and feel for her situation.
Alex_Bruinekool reviewed Version 1 -
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“The first time through the I could not” The first time through it, I could not…etc.
I love the graphic part in the second page where you’re talking about having your hand between your thighs and naming a sex-toy after him. These are things that are usually not spoken of, but are common, so I’m always glad to see a writer with the guts to write those things.
Overall, this is a very tender, loving letter to someone who it’s obvious you genuinely care for. There were very few mistakes and if a woman were to send something like this to me, I would go the the end of the earth to find her and satisfy those fantisies of hers.
Gazala reviewed Version 1 -
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hmmmm…this is based entirely on emotions, but what i found lacking was the fact that the loneliness was not brought out well. sure, shes lonely but the point is, why does she feels lonely? the bond between her and brian needs to be established. thats lacking, but on the whole you caught my attention. thats a good thing. the conversation needs work tho, “Um, you’re married, as you have forgotten.” that line could do with an edit, and theres a minor spelling mistake in the first bit. “you were marred and your wife is my friend.” but apart from that its grammatically alright. you have to work on bringing together the pain of loneliness and stuff, and because of that it seems like a random ramble, there is no theme or point, at least in my opinion…:)
good luck with your writing!
cheers!
KarmaSutra reviewed Version 1 -
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My critique is going to be harsh but see this as a different perspective and not a judgement.
This is pointless. It has meaning but no thematical relation with the characters and the dialogue. What are your character’s motivations and what are their goals? To be together outside of their marriages? Affairs?
Give your character’s somethign we can emotionally relate to and we’ll connect.
Truly this is what I’d expect from a daytime soap opera.
Keep writing though.
Platytee reviewed Version 1 -
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First off, love the idea that you are talking to the reader. That’s a tough thing to do but you made it look easy.
I wouldn’t name the reader though. When you say Brian, I no longer am the person you are talking to. Now I’m disconnected from the affair.
Also, the part about the bathroom stall is great but seems out of place in the rest of the paragraph. Maybe make it it’s own paragraph under the first paragraph.
As to where this should go… I have no idea. If you want to go dark then maybe talk about a time when your friend stole your man (or the man you wanted) and how that gives you leeway to go after this Brian guy. Ummm… that’s all i could come up with.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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“You knew you couldn’t really do anything more than hope my spirits were lifted by you thoughtfulness” Could this be said simpler? You knew you could do no more than lift my spirits….
Can you tell the reader the location of the bathroom stall. It’s a little thing but readers are nosey and voyeristic.
“That night I read the letter again with my hand between my thighs” Shit! What did that letter say that would bring on this reaction. You are teasing the reader. Why not reveal the contents. Was this a comfort letter? It sounds more like a “lets bump the nasty letter.” Please tell the reader a little of what he said.
Why did he write a letter? Why not just tell her what he thought? Can you shed light on this for the reader?
“kiss you and dry hump another pillow.” Wow!
When she is talking about the dry humping and the sex toy with his name on it, who is she talking to? The reader? Herself? to him? Make this clearer, please.
Buzzing my gadget. hahahaha. I am sorry.
Well, i was interested. So what is the point? Will there be more? I guess the condflict resolution was the buzzing of the gadget, or not. Sounds like lust more than love and i am not understanding the letter. Also please fix the voice begining with he dry humping of the pillow. You need to at least let the reader know you are now talking and no longer in dialog with the nameless guy. I know you left but it still sounds like you are talking.
gemglitter reviewed Version 1 -
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Comments: I really get the sense of your protagonist. I get a clear image of her character, and her turmoil. I wouldn’t change her.
Suggestions: I would work on your dialogue. It happens too fast, and I know that in normal dialogue with people it goes really fast. But you have to let the reader process what is going on. You also need tag lines. I was having trouble figuring out what was going on. Also, “You knew you couldn’t really do anything more than hope my spirits were lifted by you thoughtfulness.” This line needs work. I think you just didn’t type in some words.
As for what I think is going to happen next, perhaps she’s pregnant and that’s what the big problem is right now??? I’ll for sure keep on reading!
Yunalesta reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s so sad, but why didn’t you use their names? Also you misspelled a couple words:
Like in the first part you spelled “married” like marred.
but other than that it was pretty good :)
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