Thanks for the read…I will try to put in some more of their thoughts in the revision.
Tigra
Flash Fiction / Do-Ma-Hicky
She pushed open the glass door, wrinkling her nose in distaste at the high pitched tinkle of the golden bell above her head, as it announced her presence.
“Excuse me, you…behind the counter?”
“Yes ma’am, how can I be of service?” He looked down his long nose through round spectacles.
“I want one of those things for my husband.”
“To which are you referring Ma’am?” He raised his eyebrows.
“You know, one of those things that fit on the do-ma-hickies with the blade.” Her hands tried to explain what her words fell short of.
“I’m sorry Ma’am; I am having troubles understanding what it is you need.” He shook his head, eyebrows furrowed.
“Oh blast, I don’t know why he sent me here; I can’t remember the name of it. I know that if I saw the do-ma-hickey I would be able to point it out to you. Although I would have to see the thing-a-ma-bopper that goes with it because I really don’t know what it is used for. Oh this is ridiculous! He can get off his lazy arse and come down here himself! Thank you for your time I am sorry to have bothered you!” With a turn of her heel and a few short steps, the bell cried out a violent molestation as she nearly pulled the door from the jam.
“Um, surely…it was my pleasure.” Taking off his glasses he rubbed his eyes and face, it was going to be a long day.
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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Hm. I think we’ve all been on both sides of that conversation, so your story should have universal appeal. I don’t feel like it went anywhere though- there was no end twist or culmination- she just left, like we expected her to.
She would be looking around the shop for clues to jog her memory. What can she see? Other than the bell, we can’t tell a great deal. A good opportunity to describe a shop full of character and strange trinkets, maybe…
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rossipossi reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked you choice of words to describe certain things such as “violent molestation”. Also you did well at developing the snobbishness of the women in such a short period of time.
I would suggest maybe providing more emotional description and thought processes of the two people. To me there is just too much dialogue and not enough audience to character connection.
Gazala reviewed Version 1 -
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hahah i like this! the best bit was that i almost imagined the dialogue between the lady who i imagine is a black and a very old man behind the counter. its very imaginative. “wrinkling her nose in distaste at the high pitched tinkle of the golden bell above her head, as it announced her presence.” this bit is a little wordy, but i can see that the “golden bell” is significant to this piece but that sentence is a little wordy.
“violent molestation” hmmmm…husband wife squabbles? patriarchy? well i don’t quite get the theme but i like it anyways…:)
cheers!
rollingbolus reviewed Version 1 -
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troubles --- trouble
With a turn of her heel and a few short steps, the bell cried out a violent molestation as she nearly pulled the door from the jam --- this sentence could be made into two: ...and a few short steps she exited the shop. The bell cried out in violent protest? as she….... (molestation appears to be the wrong word)
this is a cheerful enough piece of writing, but to be honest it doesn’t really draw you in in the way that I think flash fiction should. There’s not really anything to care about. The woman just can’t remember what it is she came in to buy, the reader understands her husband is a lazy bastard who should be doing it himself, but other than being mildly amusing you might need to re-work it to give the reader something more to get their teeth into, especially if you’re going to keep it around this length. Although that would depend on what your intention is with this piece.
whatever you decide, good luck with this
KatieL reviewed Version 1 -
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I think rather than saying “anounced her presense” something like ‘stated her presense’ would fit better with this story. Anounced seems too much and is also used alot in stories.
I especially liked what you said about her hands trying to explain her words. That painted a clear picture in my head that i could relate to.
Perhaps there could be a gap in between her rant. I think having a gap before she says “oh this is ridiculous…” would be effective. Maybe she could scratch her head in thought of what to do next or something. Otherwise it seems to rushed.
Good luck
gemglitter reviewed Version 1 -
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Comments: It flowed well. I like the lady, she was really a complete character for such a short piece. I laughed…I can’t lie.
Suggestions: My whole focus was on the woman, and when she left and the story shifted to the store owner, it didn’t feel right. Perhaps you have the husband come in and just say he wanted something, the replaceable blades to a shaver perhaps? Because I as a reader was invested in that cause of the woman, and the store having a long day just do it for me as an ending…just a thought.
Platytee reviewed Version 1 -
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Loved it. Short, sweet, and was able to get it with so few words.
Just two things:
Why does the woman use “arse” when she has no accent throughout the rest of the story (maybe you didn’t want to actually say “ass”... not sure)?
And maybe change the “he” on the last line to be “the man behind the counter” or something. Not a huge thing. Just didn’t feel right being only a “he”. Just a personal thing.
burnvictim reviewed Version 1 -
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As a slice of life vignette, it’s pretty good. I think it would work better as a scene in something longer though. It’s a good introduction to both the ignorant, quirky customer and the helpful yet weary clerk. Standing alone, it’s amusing but doesn’t carry enough impact to really stick out in my memory.
To aid in ease of reading, you might try putting most of your beats before the dialogue. That is: ‘He looked down his long nose through round spectacles. “Yes ma’am, how can I be of service?”’ This way, 1) the reader knows who is speaking before they read what is said, and 2) get an idea of how it is being said before seeing the actual text. I would recommend that in all cases but the last sentence (which obviously needs to remain where it is for the impact) and in the instance of the customer trying to explain with her hands. But, as a rule of thumb: beats first.
squarehopper reviewed Version 1 -
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Period after door
Her nose wrinkling…
delete as it … announcing her..
Period after me. Delete everything else.
Who is he? Tell us – the store owner, clerk, janitor, accountant, what? As it is – He could be God.
Why is he looking down his nose? He would only see his nose and not much else. Is there flea at the end of it? You try and see what I mean. I am a big dude so I see my nose and my belly and my thumbs, can’t see the screen or much of the keyboard. This cliche phrase is another color adding trick which should be avoided. Simply say “He eyed her through round spectacles not really seeing her.” or something of the like.
hicky (why plural?)
Don’t end a sentence with a preposition – I know grade school stuff – but it is a rule. Fix – when her words fell short.
trouble (plural again?)
! after here.
don’t know its use (preposition at end again)
comma after Oh,
period after time.
how do bells cry out? ok this one is not so bad, you can leave it :)
but you can’t leave “a violent molestation” because it is saying the cry is the violent molestation and not the door being pulled hard.
Pronoun confusion – they will attach themselves to the last active noun – in this case the bell – and the bell is not pulling open the door nor turning her heel and taking a few short steps..
I believe it is jamb.
Ending doesn’t fit the POV. The narrator has been a dis-attached relater of events – they can’t make any conclusion. End the story at face. Let the reader give their own twist on it.
A decent story.
Since it is about 250 words, Think you can compress it to only 100? It would be an interesting challenge.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Hahahaha I’ll bet it was a thing a ma jiggy. This story is not that uncommon i have done this very thing. This is the most clever flash- fiction i have seen in a while and it had a point. Women know zilch about tools. It made me laugh. Good work, Sandi
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