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Flash Fiction / Cheesecake
My mouth starts to water as I see the waitress sauntering in my direction, my gaze fixed on the plate that becomes an extension of her hand. I can see a little piece of chocolate heaven peeking over the side as she draws closer. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, she sets the culinary masterpiece before me and I drink in its beauty. The cut of the piece shows the brilliant confidence of the server, knife in hand, searching out the perfect dimension. The chocolate gives a burst of scent to the pleasure of my nostrils. It awakens a longing in my taste buds. I lift my fork, knowing that with this instrument I will wreak havoc. I plunge into the soft layers of chocolate cheese wonder, until I hit Oreo crust. Then with a flick of my wrist, that too, is on my fork. I lift it, my tongue glistening, to my mouth. An explosion of taste occurs, leaving my face with a smile
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pigpen reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s short, but could be more concise, for flash.
Like “Finally, after what seems like an eternity, she sets the culinary masterpiece before me and I drink in its beauty.” I suspect you could leave out ”...,after what seems like an eternity,...” and get much the same effect with fewer words.
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AllMyLoveC reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure how I feel about this. I am assuming you aren’t quite finished with it there for I will tell you what I thought of it as you have right now.
I am sure there are a lot of cheese cake lovers out there… why just early tonight I had a piece of strawberry cheese cake I would have preferred the chocolate one but anyways… I feel like you could have done more to draw readers in and really make them relish in the ecstasy you are trying to portray through this about cheese cake. Perhaps if you said or done something like this it would make it a little bit better… however this is just a suggestion do with it whatever you please! “I caught the scent of an angel heading my way dark luscious and mysterious and all about to be devoured…” something like that. Hope that helped! I think you really have something fun here… = )
Lalifufu reviewed Version 1 -
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Beautiful imagery and descriptions. I am a chocoholic, so my mouth watered as I read this. I liked the way you mentioned that the plate had become an extension of her hand and your description of plunging into the soft layers of the cake. However, having said that, I thought the last sentence was not well executed. Something like “an explosion of taste leaves a smile on my face” sounds a bit better than the way you have structured the sentence. I am sure you can come up with something more fitting, though.
I think you could exaggerate and lengthen this piece a bit more. (Don’t worry, I do realise it’s flash fiction!) Draw it out a little more, make the reader hang on to your every word, give us some suspense. Take us on a journey – maybe you dive into the cake and plunge into its soft layers in your imagination, maybe you push through its silky layers and wade in thick caramel for awhile. This could be a lot more entertaining than you just explaining how you broke off a piece of the cake with your fork and ate it. And perhaps, a nice twist at the end would be that the waitress didn’t put the chocolate cheese cake down in front of you – it’s somebody else’s slice and you’re on a diet. Maybe you snap out of the daydream (of wading in the cake), blink your eyes and see a dreary, dry piece of carrot cake in front of you. Just a thought!
KidTruth reviewed Version 1 -
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Pretty good. I’m going to point out the things I don’t like, but keep in mind that I like everything I’m not pointing out (thus the score):
“The chocolate gives a burst of scent to the pleasure of my nostrils.”
The whole piece is about pleasure, this line is just phoning it in. How does that pleasure feel? What is it about the scent of this item that adds to the experience? ”It smells good” is basically what you are saying here.
Also you kind of point out the fork as a weapon (I like this a lot.) Maybe tie that in to breaking through/laying siege to the crust. That’s just a suggestion though, for the most part this is good.
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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Not bad. I like the description, very vivid, but this doesn’t seem so much a story as exposition of dessert. It’s not that I don’t like dessert, heavens no, you just expect more to happen. There’s no twist- dessert arrives, protagonist eats. There’s also no emotional change for the protagonist. In fact, the only possible change to the protagonist is that he or she might loosen their belt afterwards and grunt contentedly. Even if you just have onlookers… er… look on in disgust and have the protagonist notice this and question his activities, then that would give this story some kind of hook.
gemglitter reviewed Version 1 -
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Comments: Thank you…I’m hungry! Your descriptions are amazing.
Suggestions: Your line, “The cut of the piece shows the brilliant confidence…” is a bit confusing. I had to read it a few times. I think it’s your commas, but perhaps reading it allowed might work out the kinks? Also your ending portion of “that too, is on my fork.” I didn’t get the image. The image that’s in my mind is someone flicking their fork and the food being flicked…might just be me though.
AprilWriter reviewed Version 1 -
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For so few words you left my mouth watering for chocolate. I’m not sure but I think in flash fiction the requirement is to tell a complete story in a limited amount of words. As appetizing as this description is, I’m not sure if it qualifies for a whole story. Whisk in a little conflict and some change from beginning to end and that will be a satisfying fictional dish.
April Galarza
Platytee reviewed Version 1 -
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Beautiful. My mouth is watering. Elegantly written yet not too pretentious. You fuse both mundane and complex wording within each sentence which makes it readable without being stand-offish.
knelson reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, it’s very hard to read this piece and not want a piece of chocolate oreo cake. The idea of drinking something in with the eyes works well especially when there will be more to do with ingesting. I would recommend playing more with this idea of eating before even tasting. Drinking in, sipping through, gulping down, and lapping up are some phrases that come to mind. I also recommend going further with the sensations. You mention the smell and the color and the soft layers. Perhaps there is a sound as the fork hits the crust or the plate. Perhaps it is the absence of sound since the cake melts on the tongue. I hope this was helpful.
arualsuga reviewed Version 1 -
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the pleasure of my nostrils.
i don’t much like that bit, perhaps “delight” or “ecstasy” would work better?
i like how you’ve taken a situation that most would take for granted and really expressed one of life’s simple pleasures :)
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