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Action Adventure / Teen Templars: Year One (Ch. 1 Pt. 2)
Randy Davenport woke up and looked at his clock. 11:15 am. He groaned. He hadn’t meant to sleep so late. On the other hand, summer was running out, and he wouldn’t have the luxury of sleeping in for much longer. Still, he had things to do today. With a sigh, he heaved himself out of bed and went about the usual morning business.
After he had showered, brushed his teeth, gotten dressed, and assembled a few needed items into his backpack, he went downstairs and headed into the kitchen. Mom was in there, washing dishes. The TV next to the oven was on; The Price is Right was finishing up. The clock on the microwave read 11:55. The 12 o’clock news would start soon. He sat down at the table. Aside from the place mats, the only thing on it was the newspaper. His mom looked at him from over her shoulder. “Good morning, sleepyhead.”
“Morning.”
Mom turned back to the dishes. “Want anything for breakfast? Or lunch, as the case may be?”
“Maybe later.”
She shrugged whilst scrubbing a dish. “Suit yourself.”
Randy grabbed the paper and begin flipping through it. Normally, he’d go straight to comics page to see what kind of zany antics Marmaduke was up to, but today he started with the Local Interest section. As he was scanning the topics, the news came on. The anchorwoman spoke. “Our top story today: the mayor’s office held a press conference this morning concerning the rash of thefts committed at super-speed.”
Randy looked up. The picture cut from the news room to the press room in City Hall. A spokesperson for the mayor was fielding questions from reporters.
“Is it true that these crimes are fueled by the new designer drug Blitz?”
“I’m sorry, but at this time we have no information regarding that. What little information we have regarding Blitz and its purported side effects still requires verification.”
“Any truth to the rumors that the Whirligig Jr. is a suspect?”
Randy’s ears perked up. The mayor’s aide spoke. “The teenaged metahuman vigilante is not a suspect at this time.” Randy noted the aide used the word “vigilante” instead of “superhero”; the phrase “at this time” was also interesting. The aide continued. “We are asking that the Whirligig Jr. meet with the police for questioning. That is all.” The mayor’s aide left the podium as the reporters clamored for more. The scene cut back to the newsroom.
Randy sighed. Although only fourteen years old, he was old enough to read between the lines. The Whirligig Jr. was a suspect; the police would only investigate the Blitz angle later, if at all. At least they were being polite in their suspicions. Randy turned back to the newspaper; today’s local editorial was much less flattering.
The Whirligig Jr. is a menace! This should come as no surprise, seeing as how the original Whirligig was one of the most notorious super-criminals of the 1980’s. Two decades later this punk kid with the same name and similar powers comes along, and suddenly a crime wave hits not long after. How can that possibly be a coincidence?
Randy noticed that the editorial made no mention of how it was the press that named the new hero; the Whirligig Jr. himself had made no statements to the press thus far. Randy skipped ahead to the end of the piece.
… If the Philadelphia police can’t catch the velocity-laden delinquent, then I say the Mayor needs to place a call to the Paranormal Research, Intelligence, and Defense Executives for a little federal intervention, which is sorely need at this point. The Whirligig Jr. and his crimes are quickly turning the State of Pennsylvania into a State of Chaos.
Randy sighed and closed the paper. Putting both elbows on the table, he put his face in his hands. That’s when he heard his mom speak. “So, you nervous?”
He looked up, eyes wide. Oh, God, he thought to himself, she KNOWS. He looked at her; she was finishing up drying the dishes. Be cool, she can’t possibly know. Taking a deep breath, he responded. “N-nervous about what?”
Mom turned to look at him, smiling. “You start high school next week!” Randy breathed a huge sigh of relief as she came over and mussed his hair. “My little Randy’s growing up so fast!”
“Oh, yeah, I guess I’ve been trying not to think about it.”
Mom nodded. “Yeah, I bet you’re going to try to cram as much fun as possible into the next few days. What have you got planned for today?”
“Oh, you know. Might catch a movie, might meet up with some people.” Randy looked over at the clock. “In fact, I should get going.”
His mother turned back to the dish rack and began putting the dry dishes away. “Okay. Have fun, dear.”
“Thanks, Mom. See ya.”
With that, Randy picked up his backpack and made his way to the front door. He stepped outside into the warm late-summer day and began to walk to the corner. Instead of crossing the street, he turned down into the alley that lead behind the houses on his block. He jumped over a neighbor’s chain-link fence and into the wooded area his neighborhood bordered. He began to descend the tree-lined hill a ways until he reached a secluded area. After giving a quick glance in all directions to make sure he was alone, he placed his bag on the ground and unzipped it. He pulled out the clothes he had packed. Holding the garments, he began to turn in place, slow at first, then quickly gaining speed until Randy Davenport became a human-sized blur. After a few seconds, the blur slowed down. In Randy Davenport’s place now stood the Whirligig Jr.!
The Whirligig began to put his civilian clothes into his backpack when he heard a voice from behind him. “Bravo.”
The Whirligig turned to see a figure in black casually eyeing him. The young hero at first was seized with dread- his secret identity had been compromised. The dread turned to confusion, however, when he realized that this person hadn’t been here moments before; whoever this was had totally snuck up on him.
The stranger held up a hand in what the Whirligig assumed was supposed to be a friendly gesture. “Worry not, young speedster. I’ve not come to expose you. Rather, I’ve come to offer assistance, of a sort. You want to find the people making Blitz and tarnishing your good name, do you not…?”
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jalubcarrey reviewed Version 1 -
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I see that you haven’t gotten far into building this group, Teen Templars, so I can’t comment too much on the name, though I’m curious why Templars was picked. They were a religious order, but here I don’t read anything that is remotely religious. Just curious.
The writing is fairly good. All the basic elements of a good writer are there, the descriptions, the dialogue. This part of the story is very simple and doesn’t provide much flash. As an action piece, well, it’s lacking in much action, so you can understand that I would grade it a little low for that. I’m sure that it’ll pick up in the future though.
I think this is also a young adult piece.
Oh, the last bit of dialogue sounds kind of hokey. ”Worry not, young speedster” was that intentional? Most of the dialogue is bland, almost Leave it to Beaverish, but there isn’t any conflict yet to change what would be a normal family dialogue. Later, I suspect, that will change.
Good job, though, really.
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cindergirl6 reviewed Version 1 -
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Maybe on Page one give a brief description of the mom. Paint more of a beginning picture to set the scene. Right now I only see action. Where as it is good action I see hardly what your character(you) see.
Page three paragraph two—too much “puts and putting”. try…”and his head in his hands”.
Other than that I think you have a great story on your hands. I like your characters thus far and I think that you are on the road to being published. Is this young adult fiction?
Keep it up. This may be the next Hardy Boys like adventure.
katiej reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this story plot, it seems like a good teen type of novel starting and I think it’s going in the right direction. There are a few things that you need to work on and the main one is your details. Way, way to many details. I used to do this too, and probably still do sometimes :D Try to write details without spelling them out. Ex: “had totally snuck up on him” instead, explain this with his actions: “The Whirligig, spun around, eyes wide, breathless for a second”. This shows his surprise and shows that the new character snuck up. Keep it up! You’re doing great!
Lillie_M reviewed Version 1 -
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need at – needed at
I’ve already read part one and I like the way tis is going. I didn’t really notice anything to critique though. Obviously there will be more action later on as we’re are just getting into the story.
But yeah, I will be reading on to find out more.
Keep it up.
Fido reviewed Version 1 -
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“Randy grabbed the paper and begin flipping through it.”
Began, not begin.
”... but today he started with the Local Interest section.”
Any reason in particular for his deviation from his usual routine?
Other than the above, I couldn’t find any grammatical errors or anything that just seems off. But I do have one question: Whirligig?. I’m assuming the person speaking to him at the end is Polecat, another name I was confused about the effectiveness of, but considering these characters are 14 and 16, I suppose it works out. Again, it’s your call.
This is shaping up to be one hell of a story and I can’t wait to see more. The characters are deep and interesting, and the world you’ve created is intriguing and original.
Stillicide reviewed Version 1 -
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Yeah!! This is the first super-hero story I have read on Urbis. I definitely enjoyed it. The only thing that bothered me at all was the stranger in the end who spoke in broken old english. “worry not” and “do you not”. Maybe it makes sense later in the story but at this point that is the only part that didn’t make sense.
Good Luck!
slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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Yay, I was waiting to read more about the Teen Templars! This is a great introduction into Randy’s secret identity, Whirligig Jr.
I only found one minor sentence error: “alley that lead behind” where lead should be led.
I like the suspenseful ending of this. I want to read more to find out who this mysterious figure is.
Good writing, I hope to read more soon!
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Arg try to write like a small recap in the notes. I really wanted to know what was going on…in your notes you mentioned it would be easy to follow. I was able to follow Randy’s story, but kind of got lost in the end. Who was the other person in the last paragrahp besides Whirligig? Grammar wise nothing was wrong with this. A genius job mentioning Price is Right it made me picture those hot summer evenings I spent at my grandmothers house. This is a good story, but make it a little easier for those people to lazy to go back and read.
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