Thanks for help! I’m glad you enjoyed reading.
And yeah, I should proably do some more research about adoptions.
Young Adult / Enchanted Goddesses: The Genesis-Chapters 3-5
Chapter 3: Frieda
Frieda had just done the dumbest thing ever. She’d said yes. She had said that evil word.
The word was evil if you said it to Ted. He had just asked Frieda to go to the Spring Dance with him.
And she had said yes.
Frieda watched as Ted walked down the hall and disappeared around a corner. The hallways were clearing because the last bell of the day had rung five minutes ago.
Ted was the dorkiest person Frieda knew. He had thick, circular glasses that made him look like an owl. His hair was black and curly, and his eyes were blue. He was stout and wore clothes that could only have come from Goodwill. So why had she said yes?
Because she’d wanted to go to the Spring Dance with someone. Anyone.
No boy had ever asked Frieda to anything. Not a nice boy looking for a girlfriend anyway. Motorcyclists and boys who smoked joints were the only ones who came after her, and they were only interested in getting a girl into bed.
But Ted wasn’t any of them. He wanted to go with Frieda because of her being her. What he liked about her, she had no idea.
Frieda turned and walked out of the school to her red 1985 Honda Accord. Once she was inside, she cranked up the car. It was a blasting eighty degrees outside, and it must’ve been ten degrees hotter inside the car. Yet it never bothered Frieda; she liked heat. She never turned on the air conditioning while she was in the car by herself.
She backed out of her parking space and started driving towards home, thinking.
There was nothing wrong with her. She was just a little…bossy, at times. Okay, maybe a lot. She didn’t like it if things didn’t go her way.
Naomi always said Frieda was the bossiest person she’d ever met. But despite that fact, they were best friends. Actually, Naomi was Frieda’s only friend.
Frieda admired Naomi. She was popular plus rich, which equaled spoiled. Frieda was temperamental, so their personalities almost went hand in hand. Frieda had no idea how they’d become friends, since Naomi was in the popular clique at school, and Frieda didn’t belong in any clique. But when they’d first met, they’d felt connected to each other, like they were related. So they often pretended they were.
Frieda arrived home and unlocked the front door of her house.
“Anyone here?” she called as she stepped inside. There was no reply.
Frieda sighed. Her mom, who she called by her name, Vicky, must have been out with friends again. She was almost always out when she wasn’t working on the home computer as a freelancer. Frieda’s dad was only home about once every three months or so. He was a truck driver, so he did a lot of traveling.
But these weren’t Frieda’s real parents. That’s why she was able to hate them. One day she would find her real parents. People who actually loved her. Not these adoptive, worthless people. Naomi was lucky; she had real parents.
Frieda did love her adoptive brother, though. His name was Codey and he was only five. Even though Frieda was mean to him sometimes, she loved Codey.
He was in daycare at the moment. Frieda had told her adoptive mom she wasn’t going to take care of that brat just so she could go out. So Codey came home when Vicky came home.
Frieda walked down the hall to her room. She threw her schoolbooks on the bed and turned on her radio. She cranked up some pop music till its bass thrummed in her chest.
Then she went over to her closet and looked through her assortment of orange and red clothes. She only bought clothes if they had one of those colors in them. It made her closet appear to be on fire. Yet she wasn’t the only one; Naomi only wore clothes with different shades of green in them, even if it was only her underwear.
Frieda pulled out a red sparkling dress from the back of her closet. She’d only worn it once, to her middle school graduation. She hoped it still fit.
She sighed. She was wearing this beautiful dress to a dance with her dorky date, Ted. Ugh.
Frieda put the dress back into the closet and sat down in front of her vanity mirror. Eyes that were brown, but weirdly seemed to have a reddish tint to them, stared back at her. Her skin was heavily tanned from staying out in the sun so much, and she had frizzy red hair. Everything about her face seemed wrong. Her nose was too big and her eyes were too small.
Why had Ted asked her to the dance? She was nowhere near pretty, and her personality was about the same as a fireplace’s, fiery and boring. Had someone offered him money to ask her? It seemed like a reasonable explanation.
Frieda stared at the phone on her nightstand, hesitating. She needed to talk to someone about this. She really didn’t want to talk to Naomi, but there was no one else. Frieda knew how her friend would act to the news of her date for the Spring Dance.
Oh well, better get it over with, Frieda thought. She turned down the music and called Naomi.
Chapter 4: Naomi
Naomi was painting her fingernails lime green when she heard the phone ring. She let someone else answer it.
“Phone’s for you, Naomi!” her mother called.
Naomi sighed. It had better not be that sorry boyfriend of mine, she thought. He should have called ten minutes ago!
Careful not to mess up her wet nails, she grabbed the phone and held it between her shoulder and ear. “Hello?”
“What’s up?” Frieda’s voice asked.
Naomi brightened. “Hey, girl! I thought it was Jon who was calling.”
“You were expecting a call from him?”
“I was ten minutes ago.” Naomi started painting her nails again.
“I’ve told you a hundred times, he is bad news. I bet he’s kissing someone else as we speak.”
“Frieda, don’t start that again. I trust Jon.” Naomi had just started dating him two weeks ago, and Frieda still hadn’t stopped trying to get her to dump him. But there was no way Naomi was going to dump the cutest guy on the football team right now.
“Whatever,” Frieda mumbled. “Anyway, I wanted to tell you…I’ve got a date for the Spring Dance.”
“Really? Who?” Naomi asked, thrilled her friend had finally been asked.
“Uh…well…it’s…no one special.”
“Just tell me who it is!”
“Okay, okay. It’s…Ted.” Frieda said the name barely above a whisper.
“Who? I didn’t hear you.”
“Ted,” Frieda said, louder.
Naomi abruptly stopped painting her pinky fingernail. “Ted? Ted? The only Ted I know is the Ted from Dorksville.”
Frieda didn’t reply.
“Frieda, you didn’t!” Naomi exclaimed.
“He asked,” Frieda said. “You know no one else would go with me.”
“But…him? I could have found you someone better looking.”
“And they would have done it only because you asked them to. Ted wants to go with me.”
Naomi muttered, “Surprisingly.”
“I heard that.”
Naomi chuckled. “Well, maybe you’ll have fun. Wanna come over tomorrow to talk about hairstyles and stuff?”
“What are you doing today?”
“My mom and I are going to an art show or something.”
“Oh. Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then. I’ll come over after school. Bye.”
“See ya.” Naomi hung up.
Naomi finished painting her nails and fanned her hands to dry them faster. Once they were, she brushed her wavy, dark auburn-colored hair, pondering how she would have it done for the dance. Then she left her room and started walking down the hallway towards the stairs.
The house she lived in was gigantic, two stories with five bedrooms and three bathrooms. Naomi’s room contained a bathroom and a large closet with all of her expensive clothing. Her room was decorated with several of her favorite things–plants. It was also fairly large, so she was able to fit so many plants that it almost looked like a jungle. A beautiful jungle.
Naomi lived a luxurious life, for her parents were wealthy. Her dad owned his own successful law firm and her mother worked as an attorney at the same company. Naomi was grateful because to be popular she had to have all the fanciest stuff, and fancy didn’t come cheap.
Naomi walked downstairs to the living room where she found her mom and dad sitting on the black leather couch, chatting quietly.
“Mom, what time does the art show start again?” Naomi asked.
“Um…sit down, querida,” her mom said, using the Spanish word for ‘darling’. “We need to talk to you.”
“But the art show?”
Her dad spoke. “There is no art show. We need to talk to you about something very important. We’ve waited too long.”
Naomi was scared now. “You used the art show as an excuse just to tell me something? What?”
“Sit,” her mom told her.
“I’d rather stand. Tell me,” Naomi demanded. She tried to understand the expressions on her parent’s faces, but they were unreadable.
Mom sighed. “I used the art show as an excuse so you wouldn’t go out with any of your friends today. We need to…well…we need to tell you about where you came from.”
“What are you talking about? I came from you,” Naomi said impatiently.
“No you didn’t. There is no easy way to say this. So I’ll just put it as simple as I can. We’re…not your real parents.”
It took a while for Naomi’s brain to comprehend the words she’d just heard. After running it through her mind several times, it eventually hit her. She finally sat down, on the floor. This couldn’t be happening to her.
“Was I…?” Naomi couldn’t bring herself to say the word.
“Yes. You were adopted,” her dad said the word for her. “We’re sorry it took us so long to tell you. We were preparing for this moment because we knew it would not be easy for you to deal with. And we don’t like to think about you not being our biological daughter.”
Naomi’s mom, or rather her adoptive mom, answered a question Naomi had in her head. “We don’t know exactly who or where you came from. The adoption agency in Greensboro found you, and you were moved to the one here, in Winston-Salem, where we adopted you from. That’s all we know.”
“We decided it was time to finally tell you,” said her adoptive dad. “But we love you very much, whether you’re biologically ours or not.”
“Yes,” said her adoptive mom. “And we will continue to do so. I could never have children due to health complications, so I chose you to love as my own.”
They looked at Naomi, waiting for her reaction.
Naomi sat with her eyes closed for a long time. All this time, she’d thought she came from her mother. Sure her mom had short curly hair that was brown, but Naomi had thought she’d dyed it. Her father had silky black hair and his face bore no resemblance to Naomi’s. Both of them were Latino and had Spanish accents. Naomi had bronze-skin like them, but that was pretty much all. Naomi hardly resembled her parents at all.
Of course these two people didn’t resemble her. They were only her adoptive parents. Why hadn’t she seen this before?
Because she hadn’t wanted to see it. All this time, she’d thought she had a real family. She thought she’d been lucky to be born into a rich family. But she was an outsider. She didn’t belong.
After several seconds, Naomi finally opened her eyes, stood without looking at her adoptive parents, and ran up the stairs to her room, slamming the door so hard that the calendar showing different flowers for each month fell off the wall.
Chapter 5: Ellie
Ellie double-checked her appearance. Her usually frizzy, shoulder-length black hair had been straightened, her new eyeglasses had smaller square frames instead of large circular ones, her yellow dress had been ironed, and her feet looked fabulous with her pedicured toenails inside white sandals.
Maybe she would finally get adopted today.
Ellie sighed. She had the same thought every Adoption Day. The day adults came to look for a child to take home and love as their own. The day Ellie’s hopes and dreams had been crushed so many times in the past.
“Ellie, come on!” said the housekeeper, Ms. Lacey, as she stuck her gray-haired head into the room. “I’ll bet a lovely couple is waiting to take you home today.”
I bet not, Ellie thought glumly. She pasted on a smile as she walked into the Family Room, as it was called because of the families made in it. It had a few very ancient couches and armchairs on one half of the room. On the other side of the Family Room was a playpen for babies and a toy section for the toddlers. In one corner was a desk where the adoption transactions took place.
Three couples were already there. And they were all looking at the babies and toddlers.
Don’t worry. Someone will want to adopt a sixteen-year-old, Ellie tried to tell herself. But she didn’t believe it. Why would someone adopt her if she would be a grown up in just two years? They wouldn’t have time to raise her.
Ellie sat beside the other teens waiting to be adopted. Ellie hardly ever talked to them. She didn’t feel like making friends. She’d always thought it’d be useless because if she got adopted, she would leave her friends behind. But she didn’t know if she’d ever get adopted. She had to keep hoping though, because that was all she had. Hope.
Ellie sat there for an hour. One white couple came to the teenagers, but they didn’t even look at Ellie.
Typical. They just want a white child, she thought. Even though she was black, she wouldn’t mind having white parents. She would have settled for any kind of parents. They could be travelers, musicians, or even criminals. As long as she had some. Yes, she was that desperate to be loved.
The white couple who’d come by ended up taking a baby home anyway. And another long hour passed.
Ellie grabbed a banana out of the kitchen to eat. Only two more hours were left for adoptions. Ellie sat and waited, losing hope as each minute passed.
Five minutes before the adoption agency closed, a woman of about thirty walked in. Ellie had just been about to go to her room because she knew her chances were slim of getting adopted in five minutes.
But the woman stopped her. The woman had cinnamon-colored skin so that she seemed to be neither white nor black, but maybe mixed with a bunch of different races. She had brown hair with copper highlights all the way down her back, and she was average in size. She wasn’t beautiful, but she wasn’t ugly.
“Hello. I’ve been wanting to see you,” the woman said. “I should’ve checked what time this place closes. I’m sorry I came so late.”
“Uh…who are you?” Ellie asked, perplexed.
“My name is Malaysa.”
Ellie wondered why the heck the woman was talking to her out of all the other teens. “Um…hi. I’m--”
“--Ellie,” the woman interrupted. “I know. I’ve been searching for you.”
Ellie’s chest tightened. “What? Really? Are you…a relative of mine?” She could hope, couldn’t she?
“Not really. But I’m supposed to take care of you.” Malaysa pulled her to a corner, away from everyone else. “I can’t explain everything now. If I adopt you, I’ll have to do all this paperwork and stuff. But I have legal rights to you. So I’ll help you escape.”
Ellie was confused, scared, and excited at the same time. “Can’t you just get some legal documents and show them to our housekeeper?”
“No. Your parents are…not reachable.”
“You know my real parents? Why aren’t they here?”
“I can’t explain now,” the woman repeated, glancing back at the other children. “All you need to know is that your parents sent me to take care of you.”
“They did? Where are they? Who are they?” Ellie had so many questions; she felt she would become tongue-tied if she blurted them all out at once.
“I’ll answer all your questions later when I come back to get you.”
Despite how badly Ellie wanted to believe this woman, she was skeptical. “Why should I go anywhere with you?”
“Because I’m your guardian. Just trust me.”
Ellie shook her head. “This is crazy. I have to go.” She began walking back to her room.
“Do you have a yellow wristband with your name on it by any chance?” Malaysa called to Ellie’s back.
Ellie froze, then turned around. “How did you know about that?”
Malaysa grinned. “How did I know that?”
Ellie was still unconvinced. “You could’ve found that out from the housekeeper.”
“Maybe…but I’m guessing neither you nor anyone else who knows about that wristband has ever held it over candlelight…just a thought. Well, if you do decide you believe me, be ready by midnight tomorrow. Bye.” The mysterious woman winked and left in a hurry, her long hair flying.
Ellie stood there a moment longer. She didn’t know what to think. She didn’t know how to feel.
Could Malaysa be telling the truth? Ellie was afraid to hope that this could be the answer to all her problems. Hope was something that faded over time if it never led to anything, and Ellie’s had practically disappeared.
There was the possibility that Malaysa could be some deranged kidnapper or something similar. Escaping with this woman could be dangerous…but why did Malaysa choose her of all the teens?
Ellie allowed the horrible thoughts to be pushed out of her head. She finally walked back to her room and lay on her bottom bunk, looking up at the bed above her. She had so many questions; so much to think about.
There was one way she could answer some of them.
She sat up and scooted to the edge of her bed. Reaching underneath, past all the dustbunnies, she put her fingers around the shoebox that contained some of her most treasured items. Inside were photos, greeting cards, a ribbon from when she’d won third place in a science fair, a necklace made of macaroni that one of the toddlers had made her, and other memorabilia. The one she took out of the box was the paper wristband with her name on it, the one Ms. Lacey claimed Ellie had been wearing when she arrived at the orphanage. Of course, it was too small to fit now.
Ellie pulled the wristband apart where the sticky ends were stuck together, and held the strip of paper between her hands. There was nothing significant on either the front or back of the four-inch long paper.
“Looking at that again?” said a voice from the doorway.
Ellie looked up. It was one of her roommates, Amy, who had golden locks and was one year younger than Ellie.
Her face heating up, Ellie balled the wristband up in her hand.
Amy came over to stand by her. “I’m sure it hasn’t developed any clues to who your parents are since you looked at it last week.”
“I know that,” Ellie snapped. “I just like looking at it. It makes me feel closer to my family, whoever they are.”
“Well, the other teens and I are going to watch a movie in the TV room. Want to join us?”
“I’ll be there in a little while,” Ellie promised. “Make sure my popcorn has extra butter on it.”
“Okay.” Amy left the room.
As soon as she was alone again, Ellie took the wristband, a candle, and a book of matches into the bathroom across the hallway. She locked herself inside, with the light off.
In the darkness, she felt around as she grabbed a match and struck it. The tiny flame that sparked up produced enough light for Ellie to see what she was doing. She lit the candle, then shook out the match and threw it away.
She set the candle down on the sink, then picked up her wristband. She did as Malaysa had instructed, holding the strip of paper with both hands over the flame of the candle.
At first Ellie could see nothing but her name. Then, something materialized on the paper before ‘Ellie’. It was the word ‘Greetings’ in hazy letters. Other words appeared after her name, so that the whole message read: Greetings, Ellie. Love, your guardian, Malaysa.
And beside the message there was a small portrait of Malaysa’s face, in color.
Ellie gasped. How had this been made? Where did it come from?
Now Ellie knew one thing. Malaysa had given this to Ellie as an infant. Malaysa had been telling the truth.
Ellie smiled as she walked back to her room, recalling the conversation with Malaysa earlier.
This meant she had parents! They weren’t dead. And they must care about her since they’d sent someone for her. So they hadn’t just abandoned her. They must be in deep trouble or something since they couldn’t come for Ellie themselves. What if she could meet them? And where had they been for sixteen years?
I am getting out of here! Ellie thought happily, looking around the room she shared with three other girls. She was so bored with her life. She needed excitement. So why not escape?
Sometimes she had to take chances in life, and this was one of those times. And now she knew Malaysa was trustworthy. Even more so, the woman almost seemed familiar to Ellie in some way.
She was so desperate for a change. She didn’t care what was up ahead in her life. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be worse than living in an orphanage.
Right?
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Trina reviewed Version 3 -
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Wow! That was great! I even had my kids read it, (11,13 and 15) They loved it to! I felt I was lost in a book not reading on the computer on Urbis. I really hope I find this book on the shelves one day so my kids can find out what happened to these really cool characters.
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AprilWriter reviewed Version 3 -
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“Frieda had just done the dumbest thing ever. She’d said yes. She had said that evil word. The word was evil if you said it to Ted. He had just asked Frieda to go to the Spring Dance with him.
And she had said yes.”
Great starting sentence. It really draws the reader in, give insight into our narrator and foreshadows future events.
“Once she was inside, she cranked up the car.”
This sentence is confusing. Do you mean she cranked up the heat or the AC or did she just turn the car on? I suggest a rephrase.
“Ted was the dorkiest person Frieda knew. He had thick, circular glasses that made him look like an owl. His hair was black and curly, and his eyes were blue. He was stout and wore clothes that could only have come from Goodwill.”
Great character description. I can see him.
If only stoner boys and those who ride motorcycles are interested in her, what is Frieda like? I know this chapter 3, so perhaps you already gave us this info, but as a reader I am curious about why those types of boys are attracted to her.
What music exactly is Fredia listening to? We need the band, song or at least further insight into the type of music. Pop is too general. Music is a very important thing to teenagers and gives great insight into how they see themselves.
I like the balance of dialog and physical description in Chapter 4 with the phone scene.
Chapter 3 is from Freida’s POV. There is plenty of insight into her thoughts and emotions. I feel like I know Freida, but during chapter 4 it still feels like you are in Frieda’s POV or at least overall story teller mode. I think you need to give us more specific insight into Naomi’s emotions and thoughts.
“slamming the door so hard that the calendar showing different flowers for each month fell off the wall.”
Great physical details. You are very aware of the setting, gestures and characters and how they move through space. This is balanced well with dialog.
I like the theme of adoption and how it plays a role in each girl’s story.
Practical note: My husband and I have researched adopting and it is bit more complicated than the process you indicated. For example I have not heard of any agency that will allow you to take a child home after the very first meeting. I think you should do a little more research and make sure you reflect it in your story. The best fiction is grounded in fact.
The emotions depicted in this chapter are strong however. You have a lot to build on. I like the twist in Elle’s story. I am interested to see how it turns out and how all the girls meet—if they meet. I would recommend that they do. Great job! I will defiantly look for future chapters and I look forward to seeing this story develop.
oknapp reviewed Version 3 -
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“What was the evil word?” Tell the reader.
But Ted wasn’t any of them.” Add “like”
What did the parents do that deemed them worthless in her eyes? Give the reader some examples.
Even though Frieda was mean to him sometimes,” How was Frieda mean to him? Tell the reader.
Who spoiled Frieda? If the parents were mean who gave her the attention that spoiling requires? Clear this up. Perhaps the word you are looking for here is willful. You might think about this.
“fireplace’s, fiery and boring.” Find a better description. Fiery and boring are not compatiable. Someone who is fiery is not boring.
“Where was Ellie living?” Tell the reader more about her living arrangments.
This is very interesitng. You do need to explain where Ellie lives a little better. The reader cannot tell if she lives in a house or an orphanage. I have left you some helpful things above. Good luck, Sandi
Tigra reviewed Version 3 -
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Her room was decorated with several of her favorite things–plants—-I would cut this sentence, or put a comma rather then the dash.
Naomi lived a luxurious life, for her parents were wealthy—-I would take out the word “for” in this sentence…it makes it awkward.
It had a few very ancient couches and armchairs on one half of the room—-take out the word “very”, ancient describes the furniture best.
As long as she had some. Yes, she was that desperate to be loved.—-I would put a comma at the end of some, take out “yes” and then contiue with the sentence to make it stronger.
Malaysa choose her of all the teens—-should be from all the teens.
This is a great start to a longer piece of work. I love the characters of Malaysia and Ellie…they make me want to read more and find out what is going on. You have done a great job with them and the suspense.
Can’t wait for more.
Tigra
Liasonwithtragedy reviewed Version 3 -
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I really like this, good job~
dove2010 reviewed Version 2 -
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“Frieda had just done…” take “just” out, it flows better
“The hallways were just clearing since the last bell of the day had rung five minutes ago.” change to “The hallways were clearing becuase the last bell of the day rung five minutes ago.”
“Motor cyclists and boys who smoked joints were all who came after her…” change to “Motorcyclists and boys who smoked joints were the only ones who came after her…”
“He wanted to go with Frieda because of her being her. For what reason, she had no idea.” The second sentence makes no sense. You just told us why he wants to go to the dance with her. Maybe you should say “What he liked about her, she had no idea” or something along those lines
“It was a blasting eighty degrees outside, and inside the car must’ve been ten degrees hotter.” change “blasting” to “blazing” and change the second part of the sentence to “and it must have been ten degrees hotter inside the car” because it flows better
“She was popular plus rich, which equaled spoiled.” this sounds a little awkward. Maybe you should say something like “She was popular and rich, or in other words, spoiled.”
“Someone who actually loved her.” since you’re talking about her parents, more then one person, you should “people” instead of “someone”
“She had only wore it once; to her graduation from middle school.” change to “She’d only worn it once, to her middle school graduation.”
This is a really good story. The dialogue and grammar is pretty well written and it easy for the reader to become absorbed with the story. My only problems are the ones posted above and, I think you should make this into one three part chapter because each of your chapters are extremely short. But other then that, I think this is a really good story.
le_rose reviewed Version 2 -
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Greetings!
I love that word, so I gotta give you high marks. I think we are kindred spirits. Anyway’ I don’t have a lot to critisize as far as plot goes. So far, I can see right where you’re headed and it looks good.
I do have a few grammatical and style issues with the piece however. My first beef is something that I got told about a million times before it set in; you don’t have to describe the car by model. [Unless of course the plot demands it, like your main character is a classic car lover.] Some details can be removed for flow [such as the tail end of the sentence ‘She turned down the music and called Naomi using the phone on her nightstand’
Another question what does this particular sentence mean? [Her mom, who she called by her name Vicky, must have been out with friends again.] I assume the middle clause means that she calls her mom Vicky instead of mom, but it’s a little confusing.
Anyway, great introduction, I like it. Looking foreward to more.
Le’Rose
goofygoober168 reviewed Version 2 -
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Once she was inside, she cranked it up. —What did she crank? The heat? The A/C? It’s not explicit what you mean here until 2 sentences later.
who she called by her name Vicky,—name, Vicky,
her favorite thing: plants-- things…plants. or things, plants. or things--plants. A colon implies a list.
claimed she’d been wearing ever since she arrived at the orphanage—she couldn’t have. she’s not wearing it now. “claimed she’d worn when she first arrived at the orphanage” is what you’re going for, I think.
I really enjoyed the story—and I’ve only read this part. With a bit more work, I think it’s got quite a chance at being published. Best of luck.
smokinbrokin reviewed Version 2 -
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You’ve managed to capture each characters own language, especially prominent in the latino girl. This is a great beginning, setting the first character Freida as the complex one, then Naomi’s life takes an unexpected turn. Then we meet Ellie and Malaysia. The only criticism I can give is it needs to be fleshed out more. The flow is smooth but I want to know more about the relationships between characters such as Freida and her brother and Ted. More about Ellie’s memories of how she ended up at the agency.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
JaneLloyd reviewed Version 2 -
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Frieda had just done the stupidest thing ever.
dumbest instead of stupidest
Motor cyclists and boys who smoked joints were all who came
motorcyclists
Yet it never bothered Frieda. She liked heat.
I’d combine that into one sentence with a semicolon.
She was popular plus rich, which equaled spoiled. Frieda was temperamental, so their personalities almost went hand in hand.
Also maybe combine that into one sentence
Frieda did love her adoptive brother, though.
She thought, it better not be that sorry boyfriend of mine’s who should have called ten minutes ago!
*mine, also I think you may want to italicize her thoughts so you can separate it from the narrator.
Her room was decorated with several of her favorite thing: plants. Her room was large, so she was able to fit so many plants that it almost looked like a jungle.
Avoid starting two sentences in a row with the same words
All this time, she’d thought she came from her mother.
come from
Interesting story! I wonder if there is something linking the girls despite their differences. Maybe aliens or witches! You did a good job creating three very different characters within these chapters, each having different characteristics that made them vastly different so we could tell them apart rather have them be interchangeable.
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