Hey Snarfus,
Thank for the kind words, my good man.
Stay cool. Stay safe.
D.C
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Flash Fiction / The Syntax of a Break-up (Analysis)
Dear Damian,
I need a man who knows what love is all about. You are benevolent and compassionate. People who are completely different from you admit to being incompetent and a disappointment. Oh, you have ruined me for other men. I crave for you! I have absolutely no feelings when we are away from each other. I am ecstatic – will you let me be yours?
Reece.
Dear Damian,
I need a man who knows what love is. All about you are benevolent and compassionate people who are completely different from you. Admit to being incompetent and a disappointment. Oh! You have ruined me! For other men I crave. For you, I have absolutely no feelings. When we are away from each other I am ecstatic. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Reece
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1turkiegirl reviewed Version 1 -
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MacCrasik reviewed Version 1 -
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The manipulation is admirably clever. My only “hitch” was with the word crave, which makes me think food, as opposed to maybe yearn. But that might just be a regional or dialect thing. IMHO, it is publication ready. Submit immediately. To a mag that pays $$.
Cheers!
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burnvictim reviewed Version 1 -
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Lalifufu reviewed Version 1 -
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snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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This took me a second to get, but once I understood what was going on, I found it brilliant. Amazing what a little change in punctuation can do. As far as grammar goes, nothing seems wrong. This, while high concept, is a brilliant piece of post-modernist work. Good job.
Dayle reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved the flow of this piece. The wording was perfect and the contrast between the two letters so typically break up it actually made me laugh a little. Have you thought of turning this into a longer piece? I wonder if I’ll ever have anything bad to say about your work…
dragonbite reviewed Version 1 -
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This is not flash fiction, and I know you dont know where to put it, but I dont either. Its two versions of a similar note,one is holding on, one fighting to be free. In both notes there isnt enough to critique you on. I guess if I were to say anything it would be to get rid of the word benevolent. It doesnt sound right for the text it is in. Its a descriptive word that is not followed up with much else in this text. Bring the language down to the idea. Its a love letter to someone and its very short so I would suggest keeping the language the same. Is this going to be part of a story? Or is this more of a expierimental type of poetry? There is nothing wrong with it, I just dont know what to make of it.
Platytee reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice. Beautiful play on syntax and punctuation placement. Hard to critique since the whole thing is a play on wording. Really can’t change anything. Very good.
Emalie reviewed Version 1 -
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HA! That was pretty good. Where did you find the first letter? Did you write it yourself? It took me a little while to get “All about you are benevolent and compassionate people who are completely different from you” just the all about you part, but when i read it aloud, it wasn’t a problem. Well done! You just need to keep the same letter around and tweak it for what ever occasion you need! Little effort required, GENIUS! haha.
I think with what you had to work with, the sentencing worked out very well on the manipulated copy.
brokenhand reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this might even fall into the poetry category. It’s better there than in flash fiction. When I read the word fiction I am expecting some sort of story. I would call this a prose poem.
I think it’s very clever, crafty and creative.
If you change the category this will be a hit.
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