Poetry / What you Are

I love love poems – you can’t help it if the freight train is moving and you are a writer. There is no way to stop that train. Someone probably said it “tear”.
But for some reason tare works. I might describe the wallpaper a little bit more, how it can bubble a bit, or yellow, or dust gets caught behind the tear.
I love the pleading and desperation – knowing you are part of her, but praying that will continue. If you are still working it, my only suggestion would be to add some more beauty to it, aroma instead of smudge? Just a thought – you clearly captured the ride that we only experience a few times in our lives and mostly it is out of our control.
Mary

• add/view comments (1)

August 06, 2009

by brokenhand

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
562	81.6% (207 votes)	46.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	F	Bellingham, WA	September 14

thanks.  i am a terrible speller.  is tare even a word?

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

The metaphor of wallpaper and a lover is wonderful. I would look at the spell
ing of tare which i am sure someone else has said something. “Tear”

Underneath you are green and smooth.
I would take “green” and replace it with tanned,(skin) that way it would fit better as a metaphor of a man.
The last stanza works so well as a close. A light switch, anything as long as it is something connected to him.  I am impressed. In stanza 1 you say he is perfectly placed wallpaper that has changed in age. I think you could reflect that better. It was once perfect but time did things too it didn’t it? So it was” and not is. Maybe you can find away to say this. Neverthless very clever comparison. Sandi

• add/view comments (4)

June 29, 2009

by brokenhand

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
562	81.6% (207 votes)	46.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	F	Bellingham, WA	September 14

oops – this poem is about a woman.  i wonder how to make that more clear?

she is the wall – the wallpaper is something she’s put on herself in order to fit in.  I am tearing the paper off the wall – it could be a good thing, it could be a bad thing, but it’s what’s happening.

I;m just gonna give in and tell you what the poem is about so maybe you can try to help me make it more clear:

Jennifer (=wall) was my neighbor and I fell in love with her.  The problem was she was married  (=wallpaper).  My affections for her and her mutual ones towards me were becoming a serious problem (=rip in wallpaper).  And these words are what came about when I was trying to explain myself to her.

Give it another read and tell me what you think I should change to make all of that more clear.  If you still like me :)

June 29, 2009

by oknapp

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1455	82.1% (587 votes)	63.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
47	F	Salem, IN	November 21

If it is about a girl it doesn’t matter.  The meaning comes through. I don’t think the sex is relevant Do you?

July 01, 2009

by brokenhand

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
562	81.6% (207 votes)	46.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	F	Bellingham, WA	September 14

not really – well I guess I should say yes in personal life, no in poetry

July 01, 2009

by oknapp

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1455	82.1% (587 votes)	63.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
47	F	Salem, IN	November 21

I know what you mean my dear. You have such a good imagination i just love your stuff. Not get off your butt and write some more on the Slack Street. The story was not only wonderful but it stirred great controversary. Claire was a good sport about your brilliant comment about her hair being passee. You gotta give her that. Hey what about this for the poem: Lovely lady, i want to be more than a tear… This way you an address it to your love. Later…

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

Yep, it’s awesome.  The analogy is great.  Never heard a love poem like that.  So descriptive with such little effort (on the words part, I’m sure it may have been an effort for you to put it together like this).  Didn’t get one part, something about the flow didn’t make sense to me:

“A greasy streak on your surface
anything. I’d love to be”

The surface to anything part is weird to me.  Just wondering if you’d explain that or maybe there’s work to be done there.

• add/view comments (2)

June 20, 2009

by brokenhand

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
562	81.6% (207 votes)	46.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	F	Bellingham, WA	September 14

I think I need to re-order the line break.  A greasy streak on your surface – anything.

Like she’s pleading “please let me at least be something.”

Thanks!

June 20, 2009

by Platytee

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
75	84.4% (45 votes)	28.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
31	M	Spokane, WA	October 31

ah, yeah, i like that.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I really like what you did here. Your use of metaphors was top notch and everything made perfect sense except for the very last stanza. I didn’t quite understand how you went from being the tare to being all the other things that you named off in the final stanza. I understand that you say “I will be”, which would suggest what you will be in the future. I just think that you might have left something out. I also don’t know what you mean by saying that you will be “the plastic”. Still a great poem and think it’s almost perfect but I also still think that it is missing something. Until next rhyme. JW

• add/view comments (1)

June 17, 2009

by brokenhand

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
562	81.6% (207 votes)	46.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	F	Bellingham, WA	September 14

I thought I set up the fact that the narrator wants to be more than just a tare in the fifth stanza.  That last stanza is sorta stating all the things the narrator wishes she could be instead of just a tare.  Does that not work?

The plastic that surrounds the light switch.  

Thanks

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I don’t care for the line with the word “sticky,” and “some smudge.” But other than that this is a very creative piece. It is hard to grasp the concept, but at the same time it is so simple. I like the concept that as the tare you negatively effect the wall paper, so to grow in your relationship would only further harm the wallpaper—you only have two choices. I hope you gave this piece to jennifer. Well done!

Comments: BRAVO! I loved this poem. A really different take on a love poem! I love the nail portion lol, much more romantic that one would have thought. Also I love the last line. So loving!

Suggestions: Not that it needs much, but this is Urbis. Your first stanza, the line breaks are bit choppy and I don’t know if it was intentional to make the reader drag a bit. If it was, bravo! If not, I would just move the word tightly back up to holding, and it will flow a bit better. But bravo, one of my faves!

• add/view comments (2)

June 12, 2009

by brokenhand

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
562	81.6% (207 votes)	46.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	F	Bellingham, WA	September 14

it’s funny that you say that because when I translated the poem from my handwritiing I typed it the way you suggested and then consciously changed it back.  
Thanks!  I will consider making that change.  

June 12, 2009

by gemglitter

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
387	87.6% (145 votes)	45.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	F	United States	October 22

It works both ways though

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.