Thank you for your time on this. I’m glad you enjoyed it and I will definitely consider your suggestions on the revision. Especially about the Desirable young woman. You have a very good point there. Again, thank you.
Short Story / The Awakening (Analysis)
Ah, sitting here alone watching the rain bead against the windshield under the dim light of a near-by street lamp, I can still remember my first. It was the summer of all summers, the year that my mother finally cut me loose from the tight leash that she had held onto me with all of those years. I was finally free to spend my time away from school running wild across town with my friends.
Our mornings consisted of glazed and chocolate delights down at old man Davis’s donut shop, followed by a bike ride through the countryside, collecting aluminum cans to fund our days of fun. Lunches were spent eating grilled cheese or peanut butter sandwiches along the river, while dangling a line or two in the murky, green water. The evening baseball game at the fields always provided some end-of-day excitement, as someone inevitably got upset with a play or call and carried things a bit too far. All was usually forgiven the next morning though, over one of those wonderfully-fried circles with the hole in the middle.
Of all the ways we found to occupy our time that summer; it was our Tuesday and Thursday afternoons at the White River beach that I enjoyed the most. That is where I first laid eyes on the girl that I would love forever. I remember leaning against the counter of the snack bar window, waiting for my cousin, Anthony, to get the ice cream sandwiches that he had ordered, and watching the older kids jump from the rock-based high dive. That was when she climbed from the water and into my life.
Her name was Emily Parks and the way the water streamed from her shoulder-length auburn hair as she rose from the water made my mind go numb with desire. Never in my life had I wanted anything so badly. My heart began to strike the wall of my chest with great force and the sight of her slightly pale, yet wonderfully freckled skin as it glistened with moisture in the sunlight awakened an urge that I would later find great difficulty controlling.
I spent the next several days learning everything that I could about this person who had captivated my heart’s attention and I told no one of my feelings for this girl. I knew that my friends would not understand and would probably make fun of me. And my family was out of the question. God, if my mother found out about the sinful thoughts that I had about Emily, she would have me back on that leash and dragged off to Pastor Daniels so fast it would make my head spin. No, this would have to be my secret alone and I would nurture it well.
I learned that Emily was visiting her grandmother for the summer and that her grandmother was crazy ole’ Mrs. Birdie, who lived along the river about a mile from the beach. I also discovered that she was fifteen, but that was not going to stop me from perusing the connection with her that I deeply needed. My mission, for the remainder of the summer if need be, was to possess her deepest affection.
From the storefront window of Mr. Thomas’s hardware store, I observed as Emily made her morning trips to the grocer to collect fresh eggs and milk for her grandmother and watching her long, slender legs as they pedaled that skinny, silver Schwinn down the asphalt nearly made my mind burn out of control. My body tingled all over, as if I had just plugged in my moms curling iron with wet hands, and I feared that I would black out from the exhaustion of holding back the powerful want that I felt as it encircled my aching heart. It was the need to approach this vision of beauty and allow my feelings for her to pour out at her feet, but I knew that this could not happen.
I finally decided that the time had come to act on my feelings, when Emily entered the donut shop one morning as I was having my breakfast with the gang. I was already finding it difficult to explain my recent absences to Anthony and when she strolled through that tinted glass door, I knew that he was going to know for sure. I knew that the look in my eyes was going to betray my love for this ornament of heaven and that my friends were going to milk this for all that they could get. My body became warm with both the arousal of her presence and at the fear of my yearning being discovered. It took every ounce of self control that I had within me to ride out those agonizingly long ten minutes.
Suddenly, as she turned from the counter, her hypnotic green eyes met with mine and everything stopped. There was no sound in the room that could have distracted my concentrated gaze from hers. My lower lip began to quiver with the beat of my excited heart and my newly-discovered, animalistic urge clawed to escape its bodily enclosure. Then, she was gone and I knew that I was going to have to confront my emotions soon. That afternoon, I was going to express to Emily my heart’s precious wishes.
Lingering near the paddle boat shack, I anxiously watched and waited as Emily bathed her body in the sun’s rays on the far end of the beach. My pulse quickened and my temperature rose with every movement of her body, working hand-in-hand to nearly make me explode each time she used the tips of her fingers to loosen the grip that her bikini had on the firm mound between her long, inviting legs. I could feel the stirring between my own, but fought back the urge to lower my hand and release the pressure that was building inside. No, I had done this alone in my bed every night since first seeing Emily and the time had come to experience her in the flesh and not some lifeless dream.
After only an hour or so of this relentless torture, Emily rose to her feet and rolled up her towel, stuffing it into her tote bag before slipping the straps over her shoulder. I released myself from my prison behind the tree and carefully followed as she strolled past the volleyball pit and entered the trail to her grandmother’s house. Though my eyes were fixated on the firm cheeks of her bottom as each one alternated in rising and lowering with every step, my mind maintained a constant awareness of my surroundings. I still wanted no one to know of my affections for this girl.
Midway into the heavily overgrown forest between the beach and her grandmother’s house, I quickened my pace to close the gap between Emily and myself. The sent of her tanning oil danced along the gentle breeze, strengthening my already-heightened arousal that much more. Emily disappeared around a tight bend in the trail, forcing me to adjust to a slight jog to regain sight.
As I rounded the bend in the tight path, my heart nearly leaped from my chest and my feet came to an abrupt stop on the dusty surface of the trail. Standing before me, Emily leaned against a large oak tree and her steady glare penetrated the depths of mine. Looking back, I wish now that I had just turned and ran, but for some reason I could not. I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to so very badly, but I just stood there in silence. What was there to say?
“Why are you following me, kid?” Emily asked sternly, finally breaking the awkward lull. Her arms, folded firmly across her chest, rose and fell with every breath.
“Kid? I’m no kid,” I answered defiantly. “I’m fourteen.” I know now just how childish that statement was, but I said it, drawing a healthy laugh from the desirable young woman that stood before me.
“In the city, fourteen makes you something, but here in the sticks, you’re just a kid,” she said arrogantly, quickly deflating my young ego and unknowingly breaking my heart.
The look on my face must have revealed the pain and humiliation that her statement had caused, as the look in Emily’s eyes began to loosen. Then, it happened. My feelings must have somehow found their way to the surface, because Emily suddenly expressed a feeling of disgust. Her arms dropped to her side and she slowly began to back away. I felt the first tear as it formed in the corner of my right eye and broke loose, sliding down to the corner of my mouth.
“You’re sick, ya know that?” Emily squealed, then turned to walk away and the need to get as far away from me as she could was clearly evident with her every stride.
Standing there, watching her storm away, I could clearly hear the terrorizing chants that were soon to come into my life. Freak, dyke, carpet-muncher! And the most hurtful of all would be the truest− Lesbo! And my mother, oh god, my mother! I could vividly see the hell that was soon to become my life and without warning, a destructive rage empowered my body. There was absolutely nothing that I could do to distinguish the hurt-filled anger that tore at my soul.
Burning wildly and hungry to avenge my pain, a wild animal roared out of me and immediately sprang in Emily’s direction. With every step, my feet moved faster−faster in the direction of the person who was once the object of my heart’s desire, but had become the object of my mind’s wrath. The forest around me became a rapidly sweeping blur and my eyes narrowed to a focused tunnel view of my target ahead.
Hearing the noise of my Keds beating against the earth’s surface, Emily turned just in time for our body’s to collide. My hands immediately moved to her throat, gripping tightly in an effort to make her see the love that she had so thoughtlessly shamed away. Emily’s hands came to wrap around my wrists, but the passion that had forced me to her was to be unbroken. The sun-colored skin of her soft cheeks began to darken at a surprisingly-fast rate and her pupils dilated to the point that they eclipsed the wonderful green tone of the outer irises.
With every changing shade that her freckle-splattered face took on, Emily’s grip on my wrists weakened. The dust from her kicking feet settled in the air around my head, just as her squirming body settled beneath the weight of my own. Satisfied that the girl who had haunted my dreams for nearly two weeks was moving no more, I allowed my body to collapse in exhaustion on top of her lifeless shell, but my hands remained around her tightened throat.
My body heaved with every struggling breath as I buried my face into Emily’s limp shoulder. Slowly I turned my head, with the sticky sweat of Emily’s skin pulling the strands of my own deep red hair away from my face. The pupils in her eyes had begun to subside, revealing once again, the bright green tint that had looked upon me in my fantasies. Never did my thoughts drift away to wondering what I had done. Never did I question myself on how I could have committed this violent act. Instead, I became overjoyed with the simple fact that I now held the girl that I loved in my caring arms. She was finally mine and her affection was now the possession of my heart’s deepest desire.
Brushing her sun-dried bangs from her narrow face, I gazed into Emily’s eyes as they blindly stared into the empty sky. God, she was so beautiful. Even laying there motionless on that dusty trail, the radiance of her sexuality could be rivaled by none. Slowly, I leaned in and kissed her once pink lips, the color was now giving away to a light shade of blue.
I tilted my head to allow my cheek to graze hers and that was when I saw it. In our struggle of passion, Emily’s bathing suit top had shifted, exposing her small, but perky breast. With the soft fingertips of my right hand, I lightly traced its pale skin to the base of her pink nipple. Without any understanding as to why or the ability to stop, I placed my mouth over the firm breast and rolled the nipple between my teeth and tongue.
The sensation that this created inside of me was overwhelming and without any real knowledge of the action, I slipped my hand passed the elastic waist of my athletic shorts. Carefully, I turned my body to allow me access to Emily’s lower regions and I could clearly see a few soft curls of her red pubic hair protruding from the edge of her bottoms. The sight of this caused my face to become flush and a feeling of lightheadedness pushed a shiver down my back.
Using the fingers of my left hand, I pulled the fabric to the side, exposing the bright mound of fire that was hidden within. Maintaining about as much restraint as a young child in a room full of cookies, I dove my face between its puffy outer walls, allowing the musky aroma from inside to fill my nostrils. My body quivered with exstasy as I pulled my knees closer to my chest, sliding the middle finger of my right hand into my own moist valley. With Emily’s sent working through my nose, I slid my finger in and out, while forcefully rotating my palm against my small, bulbous clit.
It only took a matter of minutes for the intense pleasure to roll my eyes back into my head and send my body into violent quivering. My legs stiffened and my toes curled tight as the warm sticky fluid glazed my hand, like the contents of a broken egg. With every muscle in my body relaxing with relief, I nuzzled the side of my face against Emily’s soft stomach and closed my eyes. It was with complete satisfaction that I lay there with her for nearly an hour.
My mind has carried that day freshly at the top of all of my memories, allowing me easy access whenever I need it. In the fourteen years since that summer, I have never experienced that degree of satisfaction. Hell, since that day, I haven’t held that much love or desire for another person−until now.
I saw her for the first time a week ago. I was dispatched to a bar fight on the east side of the city, down by the old railhead. She was the first thing that I noticed when I stepped onto the premises. The way her full-bodied, red hair draped across her milky shoulders awakened an arousal in me that I haven’t felt in years and tonight I will express to her how I feel.
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Marshmellow reviewed Version 1 -
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martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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Try “but I told not one”. Don’t use “and” it doesn’t work as well.
perusing—did you mean “pursuing”?
You’e using “and” way too frequently. Try re-constructing your sentences with “and” in them.
“scent” not sent
Wow—not the story I expected. It took me a while to realize your narrator was female. I’d expcted Emily to be raped, but not murdered by a girl.
Very interesting. Worth re-working.
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gemglitter reviewed Version 1 -
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Comments:Your story flows very well. I like the fact the way you have some phrases written, such as your mother’s curling iron one, and your very first line. I also like the way you throw the twists and turns into your story. Your ending was very powerful and chilling.
Suggestions: You have some sentences such as “from the desirable young woman that stood before me.” For some reason this seems flat footed in the context of how your other writing flows. I mean desirable young woman is redundant since you have done an excellent job showing how desirable she was to the the character. Also, you need to be more clear in how Emily knew the secret. Just saying emotion betrayed on face is a little bit of taking the easy way out. Maybe she reached for her hand? Leaned in for her kiss? Or how about just out right telling her? Also, I had to read the part when we find out she’s a girl. You might want to make that blatantly clear, because people are cruel and sometimes picking on a young boy and calling him a dyke is just part of the torture.
SecularProphet reviewed Version 1 -
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Some nitpicking:
“With Emily’s sent working through my nose,” : Typo (sent = scent)
“drawing a healthy laugh from the desirable young woman that stood before me.” I would write “standing before me”
“There was absolutely nothing that I could do to distinguish the hurt-filled anger that tore at my soul.” I think you meant “extinguish” instead of “distinguish”.
As far as the story goes – it was one of the more exciting pieces I’ve read in a long time. I particularly loved the sentence: “My legs stiffened and my toes curled tight as the warm sticky fluid glazed my hand, like the contents of a broken egg.” Wow. The entire necrophilia scene was very well written.
My only complaint? Perhaps you overemphasize the protagonist’s lust and desire and arousal and animal instincts with too many referrals to them. A little less won’t make us understand what’s going on with her any less – your descriptions are suggestive and provocative enough on their own. Perhaps you can add more erotic “peeks” at Emily – even something seemingly innocent can be made steamy when through the eyes of someone like your main character.
I look forward to reading more adventures of your protagonist – if you would be willing to write them!
Lalifufu reviewed Version 1 -
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I must admit that in the beginning, as I first started to read this, the story felt a bit cliched. It was reminiscent of many B-grade American movies I had seen on TV before – a summer romance, a new girl in town living with her grandmother, a young kid becoming obsessed with the object of their affection, even the forest trail to her grandmother’s house… Having said that, now that I have finished reading the story, I can also admit that I liked the twist and that the ending redeemed itself.
My biggest concern is the beginning of the story. I don’t feel that it is gripping enough. I think you should revise it. Draw the reader in, paint a picture. Don’t just tell us what happens, show us. And steer clear of the aforementioned cliches. I really liked the fact that the main character, and the person telling the story, is a lesbian. A murderous lesbian at that! And now she is going to strike again, or so it seems… Interesting. I believe your ending is far more attention-grabbing and exciting than your beginning. If you worked on your beginning to improve it, it will in turn improve your story as a whole.
My other concern is the part where your main character (why is her name never revealed in the story, by the way? For what purpose did you choose to do this? How does it add to the story?) kills Emily. When a person dies, they relax their bowels – that is to say, Emily would have had soiled herself. Your character, as the murderer, would undoubtedly have smelt that when she was indulging in necrophilia. Perhaps you can add this into the story somehow – describe all the senses not just touch and sight. I think the way you described Emily’s death was a bit too vague and almost glorified in a way. Without trying to be too harsh, I would even go so far as to say it’s a somewhat childish interpretation of death. In the movies, we’re never presented with the realness and rawness of death – it’s not pleasant at all. I would definitely revise this section. You’re obviously going for the shock factor – so shock me. But don’t be disgusting. You could even bring in some other kind of conflicting element here – what if she hears footsteps approaching, and then has to drag Emily’s body into the forest? Maybe she can fondle and caress Emily there, while someone is walking past – adding to her adrenalin rush? Just a suggestion. I’m sure you can come up with something better.
There are also certain things that you leave out and don’t discuss or even mention at all. For instance, how did your character expose of Emily’s body? Why wasn’t your character ever caught – she had suffocated this girl with her bare hands which means that her DNA and fingerprints are all over the body… Also what job occupation does your main character have now? Is the a policewoman? You say she was dispatched to a bar fight, and we know from the beginning that she is sitting in a car, so it seems as though she is a cop, but this is not entirely clear. You can mention and describe things, show the reader things like her set of handcuffs, or her walkie-talkie without blatantly stating that she is a cop. But it definitely needs to be clearer.
Finally, there were a few mistakes here and there, like incorrect word usage. You also used the passive voice quite a lot. I think it would drive the plot forward a lot if you changed this to the active voice:
Page 2:
“my heart’s attention…” I would change the and to a “but” ie “but I told no one.”
I would change your other sentence to “This was my secret and I would nurture it well.”
You wrote “crazy ole’” instead of “ol’”.
I would delete the part where you wrote “for the remainder of the summer if need be.”
The apostrophe s in “Thomas’s” is incorrect – it should be “Thomas’”
The part where your character is watching Emily at the grocery story would make more sense to be written in the active voice. I would change it to “I observed Emily make…” Or “I watched her long legs..”
I would take out the ‘nearly’ in “nearly made” and change the “burn out of control” to go out of control.
Page 3:
I would change it to “eventually I…” instead of “I finally decided..”
Change it to “Milk this for all that it was worth”.
Her body became warm from, not “warm with”. Also, “her green eyes met mine” not with.
Page 4:
“I still wanted no one to know of..” I would change it to “know about”.
Page 5:
The look in her eyes softened not loosened.
Page 6:
You wrote: “burning wildly and hungry.” It should be hungrily.
Your sentence that begins with “the forest around me…” is odd. I would revise completely.
Where you wrote “my Keds” why not just change it to “my shoes”. Makes it far easier to understand and universal. Not everyone knows what Keds are.
There is no hyphen in “surprisingly-fast.”
I would remove the adjective ‘wonderful’ from “green tone of her eyes.”
Page 8:
You wrote “Emily’s sent” and it should be “scent.”
I would write the full word ‘clitoris’ not clit. That’s slang.
To conclude, I think with a bit of revision and a few more descriptions, clarifications and explanations, this would be a very interesting short story. It’s got mystery and suspense, it has a great twist and it’s quite disturbing. Now you just need to tie up some loose ends. Good luck!
RebeccaMarie reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. That is all I can say. Well, actually, I can and will say a lot more. The writing here is fantastic – at first I had no idea what to expect, especially with your warning. But your writing definitely goes there, if you know what I mean, and so I loved that. It was really great, and I enjoyed it….very good.
Hoffmane21 reviewed Version 1 -
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street lamp, I can still remember my first. -first what? I know youdescribe later but the opening sentence needs to grab attention, and it feels incomplete.
My heart began to strike the wall of my chest with great force and the sight of her slightly pale, yet wonderfully freckled skin as it glistened with moisture in the sunlight awakened an urge that I would later find great difficulty controlling. -Consider breaking down into to parts.
How old is the narrator during that summer?
Schwinn down the asphalt nearly made -comma after asphalt
Great story, leaves it open for more to happen.
Tigra reviewed Version 1 -
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as the look in Emily’s eyes began to loosen—-this feels awkward…perhaps soften instead of loosen would be better.
The sun-colored skin of her soft cheeks began to darken at a surprisingly-fast rate and her pupils dilated to the point that they eclipsed the wonderful green tone of the outer irises. ----this is a great line.
Wow this is a very descriptive piece. You have talent for making the reader envision what it is that you are seeing in your mind. It was an equally disturbing piece as the MC has sex with a dead body. It made me shiver. You said that she was dispatched…is she now a cop? That would be irony. I think you should make this part a little more clear in the story. I am wondering if when she reveals her love this time if she will be calling on fate and another death.
Great read
Tigra
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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My body became warm with both the arousal of her presence and at the fear of my yearning being discovered. It took every ounce of self control that I had within me to ride out those agonizingly long ten minutes.”
This is said simpler.
My body felt every inch of her. I was a roused. My heart squeezed at the thought of her noticing me. It has hard to ride out those agonizing ten minutes.
“My lower lip began to quiver with the beat of my excited heart”...
My lips trembled, as my heart accelerated.
Darrell this kept me guessing but you will have to do something with the masturbation scene. It is awkward. I will email. Overall it was the story of a fantasy gone wrong. This has no doubt happened some where in real life. My only fault with it is that the reader really don’t know that this is a girl. You don’t even give us a hint. The temebling lips and my mother and the pastor would kill me” are hints but the reader only picks up on them afterwards. I would give a few more subtle hints that this might be a girl instead of a boy, so reader can rencongize okay. I liked it. It showed you have an imagination for the erotica, though some scenes are a little stiff in places, pardon my pun. Sandi
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