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Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Too Lazy to F*ck (Analysis)
There comes a time, every once in a little while, sometimes at breakfast while chewing my Muesli, on other occasions catching me unawares while reading a book, when the sudden awareness kicks in that, for some inexplicable reason, I haven't done "it" in a while. Just like that, out of the blue - the thought hits me, my brow furrows and I think "Man! It's been at least six months..." Or longer. And I realize that somehow, amidst all the chaos and confusion, I just forgot to have sex.
Hmmm. The problematic! And now that the seed has been sown in my mind, I can't seem to get rid of it anymore; regardless of what I do or where I go, everything suddenly reminds me of how sexually inactive and abstinent I've been. I turn on the TV to watch a thriller... half and hour into the movie, in spite of three unsolved murders and a killer still on the loose, the main characters have sex. I try to read a book about mountaineering.... Mt. Everest base camp at over 6000 meters - it's minus 20 outside but hey! - two journalists are having sex. A friend of mine comes to visit. Guess what he did last night???
Yep, he had sex.
I start considering the possibility of joining a monastery or starting a little colony, with myself at the head as the Guru of New Age Asexuality. I will proclaim to all the world that I have set aside my primitive sexual ways and have started to practice intercourse with my index finger. I will preach to my followers about the wonders of "finger sex", - "Genital sex is so messy!" I will call to the masses. "In an ideal world we will be able to reproduce through our fingers! No more leaking cum, no more impractical menstruation! Our fingers will be equipped with the necessary reproductive organs to execute painless and cleanly procreation - no one will ever need to suffer through another disgusting birth or walk around nine months with a bloated belly again. Our fingers will lay tiny eggs that we can leave at home until they hatch! Whoever said that live births were an evolutionary advancement?! Menstruating fingers don't need tampons or large, uncomfortable pads - all you need is a little bandaid! " Finger sex itself is simple and direct. Gone will be the days of clumsy attempts to unhook a bra. You just touch fingertips with your partner, anywhere, anytime. Fear of discovery, hidden sexuality - all of these elements will be a thing of the past! "Finger orgasms," I will declare. "Are much more intense than those people now experience through their genitals." I will take one of my followers from the crowd and demonstratively hold out my finger. "Come," I will command him. "Let us do it!" He will, of course, hesitate at first, afraid as he is of this newfound world of modern sexuality. But his finger will rise to meet mine and then, slowly, gently, our fingertips will become one, on my face a look of utter ecstasy and gratification.
He will probably just stare at me, his expression one of utter confusion. "Did you not feel the waves of lust wash over your body?" I will ask him, pulling my finger away. "Uh," he will stutter. "Um, no... I didn't, um..sorry...uh"
"Did you take part in my seminar?" I will demand.
"Uh, um, no...."
"No wonder! How do you expect to experience the wonders of advanced sex if you do not believe? In my seminar you can learn the techniques of finger sex and all it has to offer," I will turn to the crowd and raise my arms. "Yes! For only 1000 dollars, you TOO can delve into the world of modern sexuality and leave your primitive ways behind!"
And the crowd will cheer with approval.
Ah yes. In an ideal world..... But to get back to this one - here in the realm of primitive genital intercourse, I am left with only a few options. And so I resign. Yes, I am a slave to my instincts. At least to some extent. So I decide to be a little more vigilant the next time I'm on vacation, to keep my eyes open in the bars and clubs. With a few very interesting exceptions, it's usually reduced to the same procedure. Hunting. Lurking and waiting for your prey until you're ready to go in for the kill. Playing that age old game of cat and mouse. I suppose if I make it to be 80, you'll find me hanging out at the nearest graveyard, armed with a watering can, prowling the graves while keeping a lookout for sexy widowers.
If they haven't invented finger sex by then.
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Emalie reviewed Version 1 -
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Finger sex? Menstruating from my finger?? Frig, where can I sign up??
Here I was simply trying to find a way to re-wire the body so that we bleed from our belly buttons at a much simpler flow, using only a band-aid… but HEY fingers would be so much easier. What would be embarrasing, however, would be if you ever accidentally touched a waiter’s hand while he passes you a drink, or if you are stuck in an insanely crowded city bus! HAHAH.
I enjoyed this very much.
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jakuper reviewed Version 1 -
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The first sentence is a bit awkward, and occurence of “unaware” together with “awareness not far away adds to the awkness. It’s the first sentence and I had to strugle with it. Simplify it.
Man! It's been...—why “or longer” is outtside quotation mark – it should be a continuation of the thought.
The problematic—should be problematics. (first is adjective, second noun).
And now that the seed has been sown in my mind—you could add “instead in another place”
“half and hour into the movie”—half an hour.
Um, no... I didn't, um..sorry...uh"—maybe add here “I didn’t know I am supposed to”
Yes! For only 1000 dollars—you could add like in comercials “just the cost of five cups of coffee with a hooker”
What a crazy story. Just as I like them :-)
You portraited characters very well, specially the main hero – a finger.
Jack
Tigra reviewed Version 1 -
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I laughed and laughed when I read this. What a funny idea and one that I am sure more then most women can relate too. I especially liked the idea of finger menstration, oh if only that were the way things were!! Think of the landfills and how much space would be saved. :) Great write. Thanks for sharing this and bringing a smile to my face.
Tigra
Hoffmane21 reviewed Version 1 -
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“Man! It’s been at least six months…” Or longer.- I think or longer should be included in your thought quotations.
The problematic! -Try It’s the most problematic! It just seems a little unfinished.
painless and cleanly procreation -try just clean procreation
Finger orgasms,” I will declare. “Are much -comma after declare
Cute, you should add to it.
dragonbite reviewed Version 1 -
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Your first sentence needs to be broken up into more than one long run on. ALso in that sentece change the word “unawares” to a singular word. The second paragraph needs to have the sentence structure tweeked a bit, but it is a excellent paragraph. In this part the writing starts to take off, it brings out the sudden obession the charcter is having. The observations that are made are funny but also insightful.
What a great line you wrote about the “ideal world” this is good writing. ANd again the dialouge is great. It stays within itself by not becoming to talkative and distracting from the synocism of the whole piece. Then ending line is fantastic too.
The only horrible thing about this is…WHERE IS THE REST? This would make for a great short story. This is one of those reads that I actually enjoyed and I didnt feel as though I had to labor though to get to the end. Please keep writing and do not change your style or openess. I am putting this in my favorites and rating you high.
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