My word processor is German and I just recently managed to set it as English USA. Those quotations are an ugly biproduct of living in Europe. ;) Thanks for taking the time to read this! Yeah, the horror hasn’t hit yet (if you count out George Michael), BUT, they’re about to hit a real lonely, dumpy diner, looking for food…
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Short Story / Between the Cracks (Analysis)
If you've ever taken a trip into the unknown, chartered yourself to a place of uncertainty and looming surprise, you will know how I felt like one my way to the Canadian north, sitting next to my brother Adrian as we drove our way out of civilization, headed for a distant wilderness neither one of us could really fathom. We'd been driving for three days, perched above the length of a snaking road in our rickety old camper, trying to fight the heat of a late summer with open windows and makeship paper fans. My lower right arm was beginning to worry me; despite several applications of high SPF sunscreen, the skin was threatening to develop a rather unhealthy hue. I knew all too well about the risks of leaving your arm outside the window during driving, but the rising heat in the interior of the cabin had made me forget all the stories of third degree burns and arms torn off by road signs. Now, as the sun left it's pedastel to scorch those on the other side of the planet, the skin on my arm felt tight, tingling at the touch of what must have been the day's first cool breeze.
Night was now skulking the heavens; I could see the horizon losing its definition against the distant trees, leaking into them with growing darkness that crawled towards us on the road. There wasn't much to see around these parts except rolling tundra and mountains that scratched their way into sight behind a forest that never seemed to get any closer. For hours I'd been staring at the same scene for so long that I was beginning to think we'd never get far enough to breach the treeline.
„You'd think it wouldn't be so damn hot up north,“ I mumbled, trying to catch the first evening chill with my hand through the open window.
„It's getting dark. It'll cool off.“ My brother's hand was fumbling with the radio controls, his face annoyed as he simultaneously tried to watch the road. „Static! Nothing but fucking static,“ he muttered.
„I suppose you'll have to get used to that,“ I mused. He grunted and continued to scan the frequencies on the dial. Sometimes I had the feeling that Adrian could cope with anything, as long as he had some music, a stack of cards and a few boardgames to play. „Maybe it's broken. This camper is older than we are.“
„This camper is in perfectly good order,“ he said.
„Well, this region doesn't seem to have a lot of reception.“
He gave up on the radio and began fumbling around in the compartment beneath the gear stick.
„Will you keep your eyes on the road? What are you doing?“ I felt something fall down near my feet as his hand fumbled close to my knee. Annoyed, I slid away on my seat.
„There's nothing on the road. Can you check your compartment for a tape?“
„A tape?“
„Yeees. A tape.“
„What kind of tape?“
„Any kind of tape. For the tape player. It still works, remember?“ He turned back to the road and flicked with his hand in my direction. „Go on, take a look. I'm sure there's something in there.“
I sighed and popped the compartment, only to be greeted by a flood of paper, pens, lighters and empty gum wrappers.
„Ugghhh.“ I could almost bet that some of the contents had been there since before our parents had died. My fingers found the characterstic form of a tape. I was sure that it had probably melted after years of exposure to the cabin heat.
„Oh what the??“ I stared at the inscription on the tape. WHAM! Greatest Hits. „Ewww. George Michael in his mullet years.“
Adrian snatched it out of my hand and forced it into the mouth of the cassette player. He pressed rewind and the ancient device began to squeal with effort.
„Who cares. Music is better than no music.“
„I don't think our tape player agrees. Sounds like he's about to chew George Michael and spit him back out.“
„It always sounds like that. See? It's already done.“ He pressed play and I heard the hiss of two decades of wear and tear coming from the speakers.
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oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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you will know how I felt like one my way to – you will know what I felt like on my way to
made me forget all the stories of third degree burns and arms torn off by road signs. – You mention just before this that he applied sun screen, so I wouldn’t state the he forgot.
Now, as the sun left it’s pedastel to scorch those on the other side of the planet, the skin on my arm felt tight, tingling at the touch of what must have been the day’s first cool breeze. – this is a great line. Anyone who has ever suffered a sun burn will experience it all over again with this line. Also it’s ‘pedestal’.
For hours I’d been staring at the same scene for so long – This reads awkwardly. I would delete ‘for hours’.
„This camper is in perfectly good order,“ he said. You have something funky going on with your quotations here. It may just be an Urbis glitch, not that it ever happens or anything.
He pressed rewind and the ancient device began to squeal with effort. – Oh my god, I had completely forgotten that sound.
Over all, I really like this. Try adding some nice little tag lines to the dialogue to give it a bit more emotion. Great work though and definitely post more.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it…they didnt come of us typical bickering siblings…they bickered but not over the top. You just set a really good mode for this…I was relaxed while reading this. You didnt introduce the horror right away, but I do believe it’s not done yet. All and all…only thing that annoyed are the way you do your quotations, but it no big deal. I’m looking forward to more…P.S it kind of feels like the show Supernatural, but I want completely that comparison until after the next chapter.
Tigra reviewed Version 1 -
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So far I think you have a good thing going here. It is so hard to critique something that is unfinished. What I can say is that so far your dialogue works and you have me wanting to read more. I want to know why they are in
Canada after so much time…I want to know what their relationship is like, where are they going and why?
Keep it up
Tigra
jakuper reviewed Version 1 -
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“you will know how I felt like one my way to the Canadian north”—on my way.
“with open windows and makeship paper fans”—what is “makeship”?
“My lower right arm was beginning to worry me”—It sounds really interesting. So you have upper and lower arms? How many arms, 4? Two on the right and two on the left?
“Now, as the sun left it’s pedastel”—pedestal. BTW, it’s a very beautiful descriptin of setting sun.
Your descriptons of night and horizon are so poetic in so unique way! Wow.
I liked what I’ve read. It’s a great scene.
As for your being rusty, i would like to be that rusty even in ten years more of learning the language. Your use if it fantastis and very poetic.
I hope to see more of your work.
Jack
rollingbolus reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi there,
I guess you’re going to continue with this so I don’t have much to say at this point other than it starts well and I like your writing style, especially when you’re describing landscapes: like this: ‘the horizon losing its definition against the distant trees, leaking into them with growing darkness that crawled towards us’.....’mountains that scratched their way into sight’....
very nice
other than that, a few nitpicks:
you will know how I felt like one my way to --- how i felt on my way to
and makeship paper fans --- makeshift
as the sun left it’s pedastel --- its
My brother’s hand was fumbling with the radio controls, his face annoyed as he simultaneously tried to watch the road --- this reads awkwardly, you need to cut it down into its two primary parts – looking at the road while fumbling with radio controls – and make it shorter
and flicked with his hand in my direction --- take out ‘with’
characterstic --- characteristic
good luck working on this
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