Not yet, but I found a way to go after the big ones. I’ll Post chapter four so that you can read more.
Novel Treatments / Loss of Innocence Chapter Three (Analysis)
CHAPTER THREE: NEW FRIENDS
FRIDAY, AUGUST 9, 1991
FORT BENNING, GEORGIA
0530 HRS.
Opening his eyes to find the blinding glare of the overhead lights shattering the remnants of his dream-filled sleep, Colby raised his left arm and looked at his watch. Five thirty already, he thought. Shit, I just got to sleep. Colby rolled out from under the irritating coverage of the wool blanket, placing his feet into his shower shoes and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, taking a good look around the bay and soaking in his new surroundings. Somehow, the morning had not ushered in any easier feelings for Colby and he was still unhappy with his choice, but could think of no clear answer as to a way out. I just gotta go with it, he thought, pushing himself off the thin mattress with both hands.
Colby dialed the combination on the lock he had placed on his wall locker, opened the door and retrieved his shaving kit, closing the locker and locking it back again. He began following the dull, white tiles to the latrine and on his way by, Colby thumped Ethan Geerts on the head, causing him to sit straight up in the bed with his blanket still covering his head.
“Rise and shine, sleeping beauty,” Colby announced. “Same shit new day.”
“Screw you,” Ethan said with a growl.
Colby walked into the latrine, placed his kit on one of the sinks and proceeded into a toilet stall. How am I ever supposed to feel comfortable here if I have to continue pissing in a public bathroom? After exiting the stall, Colby returned to the sink and turned on the water. He then leaned over and splashed water onto his face, rubbing his eyes vigorously and upon finishing, Colby stared at his reflection in the mirror.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he asked himself.
“Being all you can be, bitch.” Colby looked to his left to find Ethan standing at the next sink.
“Someone’s gotta take care of your ass,” Colby responded with a grin.
“Yeah? Well, why don’t you go take care of my PT for me so I can go back to sleep,” Ethan replied with a groan.
“What do you think this is, fool, summer camp?”
“Hell no, the drills are much nicer than the fat piece of shit counselor I had, bro,” Ethan replied in an edgy comical tone and Colby chuckled deeply.
“Brush your damn teeth, big foot. I don’t wanna be late this morning,” Colby teased his new friend and the two recruits began their preparations for a new Army day.
0630 HRS.
PT at reception consisted mainly of stretching, push-ups and sit-ups. In fact, the hardest thing Colby found with PT was wearing the shorts, as he was used to shorts that fell just below the knee and were loose fitting. The Army PT shorts were mid thigh length, very tight and had a liner built in like those found in swim trunks. Colby hated them.
“God, I hate these damn shorts. I feel gay as shit in ’em,” he complained.
“Awe, but you look so sweet in yours,” Ethan commented as he held Colby’s feet for the sit-up portion of PT.
“Kiss my ass, bitch.”
“Wouldn’t be hard, bro. It’s hanging out a those shorts far enough.”
“You’re just the comedian this morning, aren’t ya?”
“Practicing for my back up plan incase I don’t cut it as a soldier,” Ethan said jokingly.
“Might wanna pick something else, like dancing in a gay strip club,” Colby said, grunting as he took a break from the sit-ups. “Your ass hangs out as much as mine, except you have those long legs that all the boys like.” Ethan began laughing uncontrollably and Colby watched as his friend laughed himself to tears.
“Maybe we could be a duo in that comedy act,” he suggested.
“Ya think?” Ethan said as he wiped the tears from his eyes.
“Sure, why not? All we gotta do is show up in these shorts.”
“No shirt though, just the shorts and pull ’em up as high as they’ll go,” Ethan added and this time it was Colby’s turn to laugh wildly.
1800 HRS.
After two days of being herded around like cattle, pushed through things like the infamous haircut and the dreaded gauntlet of vaccinations, Colby and the rest of the recruits barely had enough time or energy to think about home. However, when the drill sergeants offered them a chance to call home on the third evening, 30th AG suddenly experienced an outbreak of homesickness and Colby was probably the worst case. As he shifted around anxiously in the line for the payphone, Colby continuously looked to his watch, but the time didn’t move any faster. None of the young men at reception had been able to have any contact back home and Colby eagerly wished to speak with his father. Sure, he missed the rest of his friends and family, but nobody could offer him the strong voice of reason that Garland could.
1840 HRS.
FARMINGTON, ARKANSAS
Garland Greer entered the kitchen for another cup of coffee, when the phone began to ring. He placed his cup on the oak surface of the bar top and picked up the cordless phone from its base.
“Hello,” he said into the mouthpiece.
“Dad?” Colby said, his voice scratchy with emotion.
“Colby?” Garland said in disbelief. “Everything okay, son?”
“Yeah, just good to hear your voice that’s all,” Colby reassured Garland and took a second to fight back the emotional frustration that was threatening to pour out. “How’s everything back there?”
“Good. Your mom and grandmother are shopping and I think Cooper’s at Cubby’s. How are things with you, son?”
“Everything’s good. Just boring right now. I’m still at reception and we did nothing but lay around on our asses all day. I don’t like that, gives you too much time to think, ya know?”
“Don’t worry, son. It’ll all change soon enough. Trust me.”
“I know, just wish it would hurry up. I’m ready to get down range and get this over with.” Colby could not believe what he heard himself saying and strangely enough, he actually meant it. His father had not even said anything really. Maybe Colby just needed to hear his voice to assure him that everything was going to be all right.
“So, is it hot there?” Garland asked.
“Hell yeah, it’s hot here,” Colby said with a laugh. “Crazy-ass hot.”
“I told you it would be.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t say that it actually felt like the gates of hell.”
“I figured I’d let you find that out for yourself,” his father laughed. “So, you make any friends yet?”
“Yeah, one. His name is Ethan Geerts and he’s from Missouri. He’s pretty cool. In fact, if it wasn’t for him this would really suck.”
“Must be a pretty good guy. You and your brother always did make good choices as far as your friends went.”
“Actually, Julie picked all our friends for us,” Colby laughed and his father joined him with a chuckle. “How are Cooper and Julie doing?”
“Okay I guess. Cooper’s been kinda quiet since ya left. Probably just adjusting and Julie’s going to state with the softball team,” Garland informed him.
Colby sat quietly thinking about how much he enjoyed hanging out at the softball fields in the summer. It was almost a nightly ritual to go down to the fields and watch his cousin play. He could clearly see the bright stadium lights in his head and the image forced a tear from his eye.
“Ya know, Colby, it’ll get better, son,” his father, sensing his son’s mind beginning to wander, cut in. “This is your first time away from home and it’s gonna be hard for a bit, but once you get down range, you’ll get busy and you won’t even think about home much.”
“I know, Dad. It’s just that it’s hard. Back home, I had you guys there as a fall back. Here, I don’t have anything but me.” Colby made a quick attempt at wiping the moisture from his face.
“We’re still here, son and we’ll be your back up for whatever you need. You’re never alone, Colby. Just give it your best and if it doesn’t work, well, then it doesn’t.” Garland paused as Colby thought about what his father had said. “But, Colby.”
“Yeah, Dad?”
“I honestly believe that if you put everything you have into this, you’re gonna surprise a lot of people, son.” There was no holding back now as the tears were steadily running down young Colby’s freckled cheeks and he glanced to his right to find that Ethan was also in tears as he spoke with his mother. Colby looked back down at the phone.
“Thanks, Dad. I really needed to hear that. Your right, I’m just missing home is all.” Colby swallowed hard and wiped the tears. “I’ll be okay, Dad. Just gotta get out of here and get busy.”
“You’ll be fine, Colby. Your mother and I raised you to be able to handle anything. You’re tough, son. Go show ’em who you are and what you can do.”
“Thanks again, Dad. Well, I guess I’m gonna let someone else use the phone now. Tell everyone I love them and oh yeah, I won’t be getting leave after basic.”
“No?” Garland asked.
“No, I’ve got jump school. After that, I’ll be home three weeks for Christmas, then Ranger school. You guys can still come for graduation. I’m sure I’ll get some time off, but I’ll know more when it gets close to time,” Colby explained.
“Okay, son, you take care and remember I’m always here if you need me.”
“Thanks, Dad. I love you.”
“Love you too, son.”
“Bye, Dad.”
“Good bye, Colby.”
Garland hung up the phone and lit a cigarette, wiping the tears from his eyes. He missed his son deeply, but he knew that if Colby did not commit to this it could scar him for life. He wished his son had not chosen the Army, but he had and now Garland had to support him as best he could, insuring that he followed through with his choice. Garland looked at the picture of Colby on the bar, picking it up with his right hand.
“You’re gonna be just fine, son. I know you are.”
1900 HRS.
FORT BENNING, GEORGIA
Sitting quietly on the concrete wall across from the barracks and thinking about his conversation with his father, Colby watched as Ethan walked up and sat down next to him.
“Well, that was harder than I figured it would be,” Ethan said.
“Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be doing too much calling home for a while.” Colby replied.
“We may not have a choice in that,” Ethan added. “They may not let us for a while.”
“True,” Colby agreed. “God, I could use a cigarette right now.”
“No shit, I can almost taste it.”
“Dude, as soon as the opportunity presents itself, we’re getting some damn smokes,” Colby stated with confidence.
“I’ll be right back, bro.”
Ethan leaped to his feet and walked swiftly toward one of the other barracks’ entrances and Colby watched as he disappeared through the door. Ethan was in the bay for only a few minutes, then came out running in Colby’s direction.
“Come on, dude,” he said as he approached.
“What the hell was that?” Colby asked, following his friend.
“Just come on, midget.” Colby followed Ethan into the barracks and back through the latrine to the shower area where Ethan turned around, holding up a cigarette and a lighter.
“Where the hell did you get that?” Colby asked with excitement, looking around to see if anyone had seen them.
“Quit worrying and flip on that exhaust fan,” Ethan said and Colby turned on the fan as Ethan lit the cigarette, taking a deep drag off the smoke and handing it to Colby.
“I saw a guy drop a pack yesterday while he was fishing out his wallet to put his ID card in it. I promised him I wouldn’t tell,” he explained, exhaling the smoke from his lungs. “Better enjoy it though. He only had two left and it’ll probably be a while before we can get some more.” Colby took a long drag off the cigarette and handed it back to his friend.
“Thanks, dude. I really needed this,” Colby said as he too exhaled a thick, grey cloud. “Ya know, I remember the first time I ever smoked.”
“Oh yeah?” Ethan replied.
“Yeah, me and Cooper set a hay bail on fire trying to hide from my Papaw.” Colby’s eyes narrowed some and sadness began to overtake his face, but Ethan quickly caught the change in his friend’s demeanor and changed the subject.
“Ya know, bro, we’re gonna be just fine. All we have to do is stick together.” Ethan said and Colby looked to him with a slight a smile.
“Nothin’s gonna stop us, man,” Colby said and the two friends locked hands. “We’re gonna kick basic’s ass.”
2010 HRS.
DHAHRAN AIR BASE, SAUDI ARABIA
Sergeant Rodney Crowler flew into Dhahran for questioning regarding the incident that took place the previous day and the interview lasted about an hour, but was basically pointless, Rodney thought. In lieu of answering questions about the event, Rodney was given the official version of what had taken place. In a nutshell, Rodney and his unit were guarding a munitions depot that had unexplainably cooked off and exploded. That is what happened and that is what he would say if asked. So Rodney, being a team player who did not want to damage his career, agreed, but he was not happy with it and only caved to keep them off his back. He knew something much bigger had taken place that morning and for some reason the Spooks wanted to keep it quiet.
After the meeting concluded, Rodney sat alone in the DFAC warming his thoughts over a cup of coffee. Captain Bannion told him that his ride would pick him up outside the facility at approximately 2200 hours, so with nothing better to do, there he sat, watching planes and choppers take off and land.
“Meet any retarded CIA boys lately, Sarn’t?” Rodney recognized the face immediately and hovering over him was Captain Kevin Daniels, the Ranger who had escorted those two spook idiots to the ambush site.
At twenty-two years of age, Daniels was a newly promoted captain from Rancho Cucamonga, California. His grandfather was a high-end real-estate mogul on the west coast and his family owned most of southern California, but Kevin could not see himself living as other rich brats did, jet setting the globe and squandering his family’s fortune. After high school, he attended Brigham Young University where he achieved a degree in business management and following college, he joined the Army where he discovered his life calling. Kevin was Top of his class at Officer Candidate School (OCS), top of his jump class and top of his Ranger class. He came to the desert as a Ranger platoon leader, but had recently been promoted and not knowing exactly where to place the new captain, his commander loaned him out to the Intelligence division to escort their people around Saudi Arabia.
In the typical west coast surfer image, Kevin’s blond hair was a touch longer than regulation and somewhat ruffled. His eyes were as blue as the waters he loved to surf, bordered by lightly scattered freckles from the years of sun exposure. Kevin was a diligent Mormon who did not drink, smoke or engage in premarital sex, but you would have never guessed it to know him. He had a non-stop sense of humor and a devilish grin that was now bearing down on Sergeant Crowler.
“Funny you should ask. I just met a room full of retards about ten minutes ago, Cap’m,” Rodney answered with a grin of his own.
“Awe, you must have had your interview about the ‘Incident’,” Kevin said with a chuckle, holding his fingers up mimicking quotations. “Why can’t they just call it what it was?”
“What, a munitions depot cooking off?” Rodney said sarcastically.
“You liked that one did ya?” Kevin laughed. “Gotta let ’em play their game, man,” he said with a shrug. “Mind if I join ya?” he asked, motioning to the other chair.
“Oh, be my guest, Cap’m. I could use the company actually.” Rodney replied as he moved his things.
“First off, cut the cap’m crap. It’s Kevin.” He held out his hand. “And I ain’t much company.”
“Name’s Rodney and you gotta be better than this cup.”
“Yeah, I had my interview yesterday − two and a half hours.”
“Two and a half hours?” Rodney asked in shock.
“I’ve been escorting those two rookie Spooks around for six weeks. Guess they wanted to make sure I hadn’t put two-and-two together, ya know?” Kevin explained with a wink.
“And what exactly have you put together?” Rodney asked. “If you don’t mind me asking.” Kevin looked at Rodney and smiled broadly.
“I guess I can trust you, seeing as how we’re old friends and all,” he said with a wink. “There’s been several ambush attacks involving car bombs and such on U.S. troops since the war ended.” Kevin took a drink of his coffee and then a quick glance around to insure that he and his new friend did not have any eavesdroppers. “All of the attacks appear to be by the same group.”
“Islamic Jihad,” Rodney interjected.
“Awe, you remembered. Good boy.” Kevin smiled big. “They’re led by a man named Osama Bin Laden.” He took another sip of his coffee. “The only thing I could dig up on this guy is that he left Saudi in the seventies for Afghanistan to fight the Soviets and at the end of that war, he stayed behind and formed the Islamic Jihad. The suits figure he’s hell bent for America on the count of we just bailed on ’em after the war and left them with a mess of a country and no government.”
“I can tell by the look in your eyes that you’re not buying that.”
“Not at any price,” Kevin replied. “I think the guy’s just a nut job looking for some attention and in this part of the world, it ain’t too damn hard to find supporters who hate America and love to fight in the name of religion.” Kevin sat back in his chair and took another sip of his coffee.
“So, why don’t we just go to Afghanistan and get this bastard?” Rodney asked.
“Cause that would mean invading another Middle Eastern country, my boy.” Kevin said with a chuckle. “And besides, suits don’t figure this guy to be much of a threat.” Rodney looked closely into Kevin’s eyes.
“You think differently though?”
“My good friend, please don’t become one of those soldiers that thinks the suits are smarter than you are.” This time Kevin was more serious. “Because they’re not. You saw that first hand yesterday.” Kevin looked around once more and then leaned in close. “Look, this guy’s got a lot of money and more and more supporters by the day. This won’t end here and we may even see these loonies in our own backyard before long.” Rodney studied Kevin’s expression carefully before speaking and took a slow sip of his coffee.
“You really believe that, Kevin?”
“If I were a betting man, I’d lay money on it. Somewhere down the line the Spooks are gonna botch this and I just hope someone else is watching.” Kevin stopped to look out the window to the tarmac and Rodney turned to see a Black Hawk land on the strip close to the DFAC. “Well, my friend, that would be my ride,” Kevin stated as he rose from his chair. “You watch yourself out there and I hope to see you again.” The two men shook hands.
“You too, Kevin and thanks for the company. You weren’t that bad.”
Rodney watched as Kevin shouldered his bag, exited the building and climbed aboard the chopper. That guy really seems to know what he’s talking about, he thought. If all this was true, it could mean a war the likes of which had yet to be seen. Rodney took another sip of his coffee and watched as the helicopter lifted off the ground.
1910 HRS.
FARMINGTON, ARKANSAS
Cooper Greer entered the house through the stairway door and Garland noticed his youngest son as he left the kitchen, but Cooper turned for his room at seeing his father.
“Hey, Coop, what’s up?” Garland said as he took a seat in his recliner and Cooper stopped, turning to face his him and his body slumped with annoyance.
“What do you need, Dad?” Cooper asked, remaining within the security of the hall.
“Nothing really, just wanted to tell you that your brother called. He says he’s doing fine.”
“Well, good for him,” Cooper said harshly.
“What’s up with you lately?” Garland asked his son. “You’ve been acting funny ever since your brother left.” Cooper rolled his eyes to the top of his head.
“Nothing, Dad. Can I go get my ball stuff now?”
“I guess, I just wish you would tell me what’s bothering you,” Garland answered. “Colby never has any trouble talking to me.”
“Good for Colby,” Cooper said in a mocking mumble.
“What?” Garland asked.
“Nothing,” Cooper said, disappearing to his room and Garland simply shook his head.
Cooper entered his room and closed the door, grabbing a gym bag and stuffing clothes inside of it. He tossed the bag onto his bed and picked up the phone, dialing a number and placing the receiver to his ear. “Hey, it’s me. Did it come in?” He paused as the other party spoke and looked across the room at his brother’s picture. “Cool, I’ll be there in a bit.” Cooper hung up the phone and stared at the photograph. “Big deal, so you don’t approve. What else is new? Oh well, you left, remember?” Cooper grabbed the bag and left the room.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 10, 1991
FORT BENNING, GEORGIA
1445 HRS.
Without any idea on when they would be moving down range, Colby Greer and Ethan Geerts spent another long day lying around reading their Smart Books while the rest of the men were busy gathering up in groups and talking for hours, usually telling stories from home or bragging about how badass they were going to be at soldiering. Colby generally laughed when they talked like that, as he couldn’t see how they were going to make good soldiers if they couldn’t even take the time to study the books before they had to go down range and use them.
“Dude, these guys kill me, man,” Colby stated as he glanced up from the pages.
“Yeah, why’s that?” Ethan asked looking around.
“All this talk about being kicks-ass soldiers and they haven’t even cracked their books,” Colby explained, shaking his head and looking back down at his book. Ethan simply laughed at his friend’s annoyance.
“Dude, don’t worry about them. Just worry about us. Who cares if they don’t make it?”
“Some of these dip-shits are gonna be in our platoon and I don’t want their stupidity to hold us back.”
“How do you even know we’re gonna be in the same platoon?”
“Just a feeling I got, bro,” Colby informed him. “Trust me.” He looked at Ethan and grinned.
“What are you psychic or something?”
“All we gotta do is stay together, stick close and we’re there.”
“I hope it’s that easy,” Ethan said. “For your sake anyway.”
“Oh yeah, why’s that?” Colby asked.
“Because I don’t think you could make it without me, ya little midget shit.” Ethan laughed loudly and Colby just looked at him, shaking his head with a smile.
Without warning, the door to the bay opened and a drill sergeant walked in.
“Okay, listen up! Grab all your shit and fall out outside now!” he yelled.
Everyone began grabbing his belongings. Colby snatched the lock off his locker and slipped it into his pocket and He and Ethan both began gathering up their loose belongings and stuffing them into their duffle bags. Colby threw his rucksack on his back, grabbed his duffle and looked at Ethan.
“Okay, here we go. Stay close, big foot and don’t get lost now,” he said with a laugh as Ethan grabbed his bags and the two headed for the door.
“On your ass like a pair of PT shorts, midget,” Ethan announced. “Hoowah, let’s do this shit!”
Outside, there were four drill sergeants putting the recruits into ranks and Colby looked to his left, noticing that the bay next door was filing out as well, possibly the one on the other side too. He looked for the closest and shortest rank and ran to it.
“You with me, Lurch?” he asked over his shoulder to Ethan as he moved into the line.
“On your ass, bro,” he heard his friend reply.
Once they had all the lines full, the drill sergeants began moving them onto what looked like trailers used to haul cattle. These were affectionately known as ‘cattle cars’. They were made of metal and pulled by small tractor trucks. Benches ran down both sides with a center divider and though they were only being loaded from the rear, the trailers also had a door on each side. As the benches filled up, the recruits were forced to continue loading and made to stand in the isles and Colby found himself standing in the aisle on the right side of the trailer, next to the side door. He could not move or turn around at all and he had no idea if Ethan was still with him.
“You still there, bro?”
“Still here, man,” he heard Ethan grunt.
The doors on the trailer closed and the trucks began to pull away. Through the barred opening on the side door Colby could see the buildings passing by and his heart raced wildly with both anticipation and fear. The ride lasted only fifteen minutes and Colby had no clue where they were or which direction they had gone, but it appeared the trucks had pulled into a large parking lot and Colby could see a U-shaped building outside the opening. It had extensions protruding out from it and open walkways under the extensions. This was a training battalion and it held five companies. Each Company maintained two of the extensions, which were the living quarters or barracks. The extensions were accessible from the second and third floors only and each floor housed two open bay barracks−one per extension. Each of the bays held a Platoon (forty to fifty men) and Colby later discovered that these buildings were called ‘Starships’.
Colby heard the rear door open with a clank, followed by loud yelling.
“You better get your sorry asses off my truck and get off now, people! Let’s go, move it, move it, move it!”
Colby couldn’t see the source of the yelling, nor did he want to and suddenly, the side door to the trailer flew open with a screech, causing Colby to fall from the trailer. He barely managed to land on his feet and as soon as he hit the ground, there was an extremely large drill sergeant there to scream at him in a loud and deep voice.
“You better be running, private! Move your ass, son. Go, go, go!”
Colby immediately began to run and there were recruits everywhere, just like cattle at a sale barn. The men were falling down left and right and Colby nearly tripped over one of the fallen soldiers, but was caught from behind. He assumed it was Ethan, but was unable to turn and see, but he was thankful whoever it was, because when a man fell, there was a drill sergeant right on top of him.
They ran almost the full length of the building before filing into one of the company areas and as they entered the company, they were directed to one of four formation areas that were chosen randomly by one of many drill sergeants. As Colby entered, the confused young man was pointed to the right front formation.
“You, there,” the drill sergeant said as he pointed.
Colby turned to see another drill sergeant point Ethan to a different formation and his heart nearly sank at the sight of his friend being redirected to another platoon, but then, he watched as the drill sergeant who had pointed him to the front walked to Ethan and grabbed him by the shoulders. The man looked at Ethan’s nametag and rerouted him to Colby’s formation. Colby took the next position in the third line of the formation with Ethan right beside him and the two looked at each other with a smile.
“Told you so, Lurch,” he whispered.
“You’re still a midget,” Ethan said softly. The two friends had remained together and they both breathed a sigh of relief, but Colby thought about how the drill sergeant had looked at Ethan’s nametag and wondered why.
2315 HRS.
FARMINGTON, ARKANSAS
All of the lights were out in the house when Sarah pulled into the drive and she breathed a quiet sigh of relief that her mother was in bed. She stumbled out of the car and carefully worked her way to the door of the house, entering through the den and trying not to wake her mother, but as she entered the kitchen, she stumbled into the end table with a thud and shriek. Suddenly, the lamp came on and her mother was glaring at her from the couch.
“And just where have you been, little lady?” Amy Stokes asked her teenage daughter.
“Out with friends, Mom,” Sarah replied with a slight slur.
“I don’t like what’s been going on around here since Colby left.”
“I used to come in later than this with him, Mom.”
“But I knew where you were and one of you always called me.”
“Well, I’m sorry that I don’t have the good and responsible Colby Greer around anymore,” Sarah said, struggling to stand up straight.
“What is it with you and Cooper since Colby left?” Amy asked. “Regina says they’re having the same issues with him right now.”
“I wouldn’t know about Cooper Greer. I haven’t seen him in a while.”
“You don’t see any of your old friends anymore. You’re always with that no good Bucky Woodruff,” Amy said hatefully and Sarah turned her head sharply. “That’s right, I know about Bucky, young lady. I’m not stupid.”
“There is nothing wrong with Bucky, Mother.”
“Except he’s no Colby Greer,” Amy said flatly.
“That’s right, Mom, he’s not. Bucky’s here and Colby’s not. He left, remember?” Sarah stormed off down the hall, bracing herself on the walls and Amy picked up the phone, dialing a number.
“Hey, it’s Amy. I really need some help.”
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slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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“Colby rolled out from under the irritating coverage of the wool blanket, placing his feet into his shower shoes and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, taking a good look around the bay and soaking in his new surroundings.” some of your sentences like this one tend to have too much in them. I would suggest breaking it up.
I like the relationship between Colby and his new friend, Ethan. It would be nice to see that throughout most of the story. Also, I just noticed that their last names are Greer and Geerts, which are very similar. Is that purposeful?
Nice emotional scene between Colby and his Dad too. The emotions that Colby shows is what makes him a great character to read about.
“That is what happened and that is what he would say if asked.” is this supposed to be in present tense?
You should put what PT stands for. I think its Physical Training, but other readers might not know. If you did put what it stands for in an earlier chapter, then disregard this.
The story and the characters continue to immerse me into the story. I’ll be reading more soon!
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Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
After I got into it, I remembered the story. Seems I read and reviewed it awhile back. Honestly, I don’t remember how different this version might be from the earlier one so please forgive memory lapses. That said, I think the strong points of the story are in the interactions of the characters and their dialogue reads true for the most part. The pace is fast with the movement from vignette to vignette and you might want to slow it down in some passages to add a little depth and texture to the narration. So far, the plot is effective. Good luck with placing it.
Nitpicker’s list:
Stylistically, it is generally better to avoid opening sentences with “ing” words particularly if you’re describing action. If you use simple present tense, you bring a more immediate sense of experience to the reader. For instance you might consider “Colby opened his eyes to blinding lights that shattered the remnants of his dream-filled sleep. He looked at his watch. Five-thirty.”
”Shit.”
I’m not trying to re-write your story but if you use shorter sentences you can advance the action quickly. If you want to slow it down, then you can lengthen the sentences and make the scene more involved. Your call of course.
However, when you do too much blow by blow description “he raised his arm, he looked at his watch, he opened the safe, he took something out, he closed, the safe, etc.” it causes the reader, this reader anyway to wonder why you’re doing that. It can be shortened a lot and still keep the narrative tone and pace without sacrificing anything in plot or clarity.
“Screw you,” Ethan said with a growl. ”Growled, snarled, sneered, barked, etc.” tend to distract the reader after a time. It is better to simply say “said” as a tag. Also, in the sentence above, Ethan says “screw you” then growls. It’s hard to growl out words unless you’re Scooby-Doo.
“After exiting the stall, Colby returned to the sink…” Logically, Colby has to exit the stall to return to the sink. Thus the prepositional phrase “after exiting the stall” is entirely unnecessary. If you pay attention to this, your writing becomes stronger, cleaner and more immediate to the reader, all of which works in your favor as a story-teller.
The second exchange between Colby and Ethan is very effective I think and feels pretty natural. I think I’d still lose the so-and-so “groaned” which is still distracting. Also, the final line “Colby teased his new friend…day” is unnecessary and a bit of authorial intrusion. The passage is stronger without it. I’m going to stop commenting on these editorial issues in the interest of saving you credits but your work would benefit from an edit with tightening the language in mind.
“Your right, I’m just missing home is all…” You’re
Hmmmm. Why does a California boy pronounce “Sargent” as “Sairnt”? That’s no Cal dialect I know.
Actually, Islamic Jihad was founded in the 70’s in Palestine by Fathi Shaqaqi and Abd al-Aziz Awda. Osama bin Laden founded al deo al Qaeda in the 1980s.
“… close to the DFAC” What’s a DFAC? Did I miss something?
“… Colby could see the buildings passing by…” of course, the buildings did not pass by, Colby passed them.
Nice weaving in of Cooper and Sarah toward the end. Good departure point for the chapter.
nito54322 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 67% of the Item
that bits i read were great! I’ll finish it later, I’m running late for a meeting, and i found it hard to stop reading. great work.
Tigra reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Loved this chapter and I am sorry it was so short because I wanted to read more. I like what you have done with Colby and Ethan, I hope they remain together so Colby has some support. I am wondering what the deal is with the drill sarg. picking him out of the other troop though. No doubt it has something to do with what his uncle did before, that call he made. I can’t wait to read more. Have you heard anything from the agents yet?
Tigra
Hoffmane21 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
First off, I have to say, I jumped with excitement when I saw another chapter posted =-P If you get it published and it goes out for sale, let me know where!
Ok, back to reviewing:
Five thirty already, he thought. Shit, I just got to sleep. -Have you thought about using some kind of quotation marks for sentences like this? Ie: ‘Five thirty already,’ he thought. ‘Shit, I just got to sleep.’ It is easier then to distiguish his thoughts from the rest of the storyline.
I know that what you write makes sense to you since you have been in the army and know the terms for things, but please keep in mind a lot of people won’t know what a PT is or MEP etc. Maybe after writing PT you can put a better description in like PT(physical training). You would only need the description the first time, but then the reader knows what it is at least.
“Practicing for my back up plan in[]case I don’t cut it as a soldier,” -space missing
his pocket and He and Ethan both began gathering up – he doesn’t need a capital H
I love the story and hope you get it published soon!
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