read it again and again until you get what happened.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / The Invisible People
Just before 2:34pm she sat down stiffly on the warm purple park bench with an uninterested look on her face. She wore a white blouse and black pants with a pair of high end shoes. She slowly reached her hand into her purse and pulled out a book and a cigarette. Next she lit the cigarette. Beginning to read deeply, with a sudden intense focus she soon sat in a relaxed position. Few would guess that she was simultaneously aware of her entire surroundings as she stood there. Her name was D. At 4:36pm a tall man in a black suit, sporting dark short hair with nicely trimmed side burns sat down besides her. He looked at her calmly and said, "Even on a cold day the sun still shines brightly." Her head did not turn to acknowledge him. He gave her cold look and then smiled. With a smile still on his face he slowly got up from the bench and whispered under his breath, "I see."
Around 6:54pm people were quickly walking past the bench in a hurry to get home. As she sat on the park bench with just her book and a burnt out cigarette, the woman paid no attention to all who passed by. She just sat there staring at her book. An hour later, as the last stragglers from work made their daily walk home, the woman still sat on the park bench, continuing to focus on her book. It was getting cold around this time of night but she did not seem to care. The next morning at 6:34am a group of seven joggers; three women and four men came by alongside her. They all were blue t-shirts and dark blue shorts. They were exhausted and decided to rest by an orange bench located next to the woman. A few looked at the woman in the white blouse and black pants, and wondered why she would be reading alone in the park. "Maybe she was reading before work started", a few of the joggers thought to themselves.
At 6:36am another jogger came by. He was a tall man wearing a white t-shirt, orange shorts and a white cap around his head. It seemed he had just started his run hours ago by the amount of moisture that had formed around his clothes and thin muscular body, yet his face and body looked energized if it was filled with enough energy to run an hour more.
He began to slow down as he approached the woman reading her book. He stopped a few feet from her and began taking slow but deep breaths as if he was tired. He bent his torso forward and said to the woman, "A bit early to be reading, you should at least put on a jacket." She continued to keep her head focused on her book as if ignoring the jogger. He placed his left hand on her shoulders and said "Hey are you listening to me!"
Just then one of the guys from the group of joggers resting by the orange bench said to him in a raised voice, "Hey, just leave her alone!"
The man in the white cap did as he was told, looking almost frightened by the thought of a physical encounter. Suddenly the woman sitting on the purple bench rolled to the side and off the park bench. Her body appeared motionless and stiff. A female from the group hurried to the fallen woman and put two of her fingers on the woman’s neck. Her face displayed a blank look as she knew the woman lying on the ground had no pulse. She looked at her colleagues’ and yelled "Call an ambulance," even though she knew it was far too late.
By 6:42am the police and ambulance were on the scene. One minute later the call to the coroner would be made. Coincidentally, the group of joggers were cadets from the nearby police academy. They usually jog around a different section of the park that was more isolated, but today they had to take a different path because their usually trail had a sign up that read "closed, due to maintenance." They thought it was fortunate because it would have probably been a few more hours before anyone noticed the body. As the police questioned their recruits they were informed that it was because of the jogger in the white hat allowed them to notice the deceased woman.
At 7:57am the police had finished questioning the lone jogger in the white hat. His name was Henry Clark Daedalus. He was reassured by the detective questioning him that the shock of what he saw would go away. Henry nodded his head at the detective, even though his face still displayed a look of horror and sadness on his face. Henry decided to turn down a ride home, informing the detective that he needed to walk off what he had just witnessed. The detective let Henry go and thanked him for his time, but also informed him that there may be follow up questions, even thought he wasn't remotely considered a suspect. As Henry began to walk away, the detective watched as he removed his white cap and ran his fingers through his short dark hair. She wondered if she would be seeing him again. "Doubt it," she thought.
As the crime scene investigators finished dusting for prints they were surprised by the apparent lack of blood anywhere on the bench. "Maybe she was moved,” one said aloud. "Just collect her belongingness," another replied.
As the entire deceased woman' items were collected, her burnt out cigarette and book was carefully placed in an evidence bag marked "Jane Doe." As the crime scene crew and the police officers began to leave, the detective sat down on the orange bench while looking over at the purple bench. "This will be an interesting case," she said aloud to herself.
Two . Bee. Con't.
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OresteseViera reviewed Version 1 -
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Persephone reviewed Version 1 -
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oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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Beginning to read deeply, with a sudden intense focus she soon sat in a relaxed position. – This line reads a little awkwardly. – With a sudden intense focus, she repositioned herself into a relaxed position and read deeply. Something like this flows a little better.
trimmed side burns sat down besides her. – beside
They all were blue t-shirts and dark - They all wore.
“Maybe she was reading before work started” – Try using italics for thoughts, and save the quotations for dialogue.
because their usually trail had – usual
The idea that you are working with here is very intriguing and definitely makes me eager for more, But the writing needs work.
To begin with, you need to edit for grammar and spelling.
Secondly, everything reads like a list. This may have been intentional, but would recommend revising. The reader cannot connect with a list. This opening needs to captivate the readers attention in every way.
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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“besides her”- beside her.
New para for “At 4.36” as it is about the man, and he speaks.
“all who passed by”- any who passed by.
“were blue”- wore blue
Italicise thoughts- no need for speech marks.
“almost frightened”- drop “almost”- don’t weaken the image with a modifier.
If you were looking at a dead corpse would you have a blank expression? I’d have thought she’d be afraid, horrified, repulsed etc…?
“Their usually trail”- usual trail.
“Belongingness”? Is that a word?! Why not “belongings”?
Not sure why you need the word “Entire”.
You’ve got an interesting premise- I want to know answers to the questions you pose. You could maybe do some research to see what the officers would actually do n that case- it might make your story really unique.
Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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“She slowly reached her hand into her purse and pulled out a book and a cigarette…” Too long. It is not necessary to say all this.
She retrieved a book, and then a withdrew a pack of cigerettes out of her purse.
“Her head did not turn to acknowledge him. He gave her cold look and then ”
How did she know this when she didn’t look at him?
She noticed his presence and looked up into his cold dark stare. How about this?
What was she reading that was so interesting that she keeled over? Must have been some book.
“As the crime scene investigators finished dusting for prints they were surprised by the apparent lack of blood anywhere on the bench.” Why were the CSI surprised? What made them think she was murdered? People have heart attacks all the time.
The reader knows she wasn’t murdered because you told us what went down. If she was murdered then you must show the reader.
Do you think it was odd that the woman never looked up from her book? Did she have mental problems? If so tell the reader. What was she doing out at this time of the morning reading a book? Tell the reader.
Few would guess that she was simultaneously aware of her entire surroundings as “she stood there…”
Wasn’t she sitting down on the purple bench?
You say she didn’t see or notice the people around her. Look at what you say here. “She was simultaneously aware of her entire surroundings as she stood there…” You need to fix this contradiction so that your prose will rang true.
i like how you have set this up. It is very mysterious. You just need to go through and make sure everything you are telling the reader fits the plot. You have some inconsistences here, which i noted above; otherwise this is very intriguing. Good luck, Sandi
scorpiyo reviewed Version 1 -
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As I read you story I noticed a few errors throughout. First you should always proofread your work before submitting it. There were a few grammatical and spelling errors. Second you don’t need to reiterate information that you already described to the reader. For example in this line “even though his face still displayed a look of horror and sadness on his face.” You didn’t need to end it with his face because you already described to the reader that his face displayed with a look of horror. Just keep at it though, in time your writing will get stronger and improve. :-)
necessary824 reviewed Version 1 -
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First, your first sentence has to capture us – drag us in…this doesn’t – too many descriptive phrases on something that seems unimportant to the initial reader.
colleagues – no apostrophe – it’s not posessive.
To answer your question about formatting dialogue: Everytime someone different speaks – it should be a new paragraph. For example:
“Maybe she was moved,” one said aloud.
“Just collect her belongings (not belongingness),” another replied.
Interesting overall – not a lot of errors. I was pleasantly surprised because I thought it wasn’t going to go anywhere with the way the first paragraph was set up – I would redo it. Not too many descriptives – let the reader imagine things. Not too many time references either…. too specific. You want to be specific enough – but not enough to not let the reader use his/her imagination.
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