Thanks for taking the time. A thought out and helpful comment is always appreciated. I’ll keep your points in mind on the re-draft and re-post. Thanks again. Cheers.
Romance / Girl of his Dreams
Esther’s white gown swayed weightlessly with the wind over the green expansive lawn where their laughter once echoed among the chirping birds and the rustling dried brush. Zeph stared at her framed photo on the wall, the fading grayish image shined in the reflected window next to the patio table where they used to have coffee and warm cookies micro-waved in his cramped kitchen. They parted ways, she never gave any reason, all she said was that she needs some time, just a space to think things over on what she wants out of life. Then she came back. His despair ended on the day she found him standing, gazing beneath his veranda towards the length of the apartment complex’s green lawn. Zeph! She yelled in a poorly acted excitement.
That night he proposed to her. His heart pumped uncontrollably beneath his chest. He pulled the ring out of his worn out tweed coat, bent on one knee he said “Will you marry me”
“Zeb!” she exclaimed in an unconventional surprise – there was silence followed by her muted groan as she exhaled. “Oh--my--God… She said pausing with each word. “Yes--yes!!” He stood up, their arms locked in a deep embrace, their heart pumping together as one.
Then he remembered the first time he saw her standing in the corner of Kent Street under the green canopy of the Gentleman’s Club. She was wearing her violet dress, the length just above her knee. He picked her up along the sidewalk, her hair clamped on top of her head with a few lose strands swerving on the side of her cheek.
“Excuse me,” he said, “do I know you?”
She looked at him from head to toe, held out a big sigh and said “Maybe” she forced a smile around her lips.
At that moment he knew he found the girl he’s been waiting for all his life, the girl of his dreams. He’s still wondering what he sees in him, what it is that made her fall for him. She was the image of pure beauty and endless youth. Him a profile picture of a withering corporate reject. He remembered when he first held her hand; they were sitting on his matted couch next to his bed. They were drinking Kool-aid mixed with Stoli vodka he picked up from a promotional giveaway at a liquor shop. She laid her head on her chest as she held a scotch in her hand running her fingers on the edges of the smooth plastic cup. Her breath warm, her smooth hair draped over his neck. He felt her legs wrapped over his as he looked on a poster plastered wall of his apartment, reading over the abstract images of robot animations and cartoon fixtures. And he heard the melody he constantly sang on a night like this sitting beside the glass sliding door looking over the dense city lights.
“<i>The very thought of you makes… my heart sing… like an april rain</i>”
The tune played in his head. He remembered how he wished he was listening to the tune with somebody, or humming it. Unconsciously, he sang the tune. “I love that song - Sting, right?” she said and handed her an unwrapped piece of strawberry cheesecake. "I saved it for you” She peeled the silver wrapper. "Come on, try it. I know you like strawberries." He bit a small piece from the top where the berries sat. She was right; it was nothing like he tasted before. The richness of flavor coated his mouth with sweetness from concentrated berries. The milky cheese touched his palette as it melted slowly down his throat. There was nothing special about it - it was her presence when he ate it, and her laughter and her stare and the thought of being with her that night. And he remembered the time he took her to Mexico. They watched over the sunset over Spanish wines and warm ocean air. He remembered the time in Paris where they dined over expensive wines in the Le Chateau.
They went home together that night. He stepped inside her apartment but she stopped him. “Listen it’s late” She said as she looked at her watch – “Zeb, it’s been 5 hours, your credit has ran out” her face turning into a solemn indifference.
He pulled his wallet to get extra cash but he used it all on dinner.
“I'm out of cash, right now, can I pay you tomorrow?”
“No” she said with an obvious frustration “I have other clients tomorrow, I need to sleep”
“Oh -- ok” he said. He started to back away from the door towards his rusted bicycle.
“If you wanna fuck you have to pay now, otherwise I’m sleeping”
“I'm all out Esther, can you put it on my tab?”
“Sorry” she said in a mild attempt to console.
Then he remembered the ring. “I almost forgot - can I have the ring back?”
That night he sat on his bed thinking about how he can afford her again. All he thought about was how her smile shined when it did, how her hair smelled in the dark chambers of his lonely mind, her chest moving as she breathes… how she held her coffee on her left hand, her pinky finger flared towards the sky. And in that moment the soft sandy beaches were back to life, how she walked that lonely path towards him, waiting for his warm embrace, the soft pastel background of summer time in Rio, the picket fence on the island where they stayed listening to the summer wave and springtime air. He knew beneath all that she wanted him – her smile said so - her eyes confirmed it. And the way she talked to him and kissed him when he paid her is beyond any dream he can ever imagine. All he need is two hundred dollars and he can see her again for an hour. He knew she’s worth it. After all there is no one like her, she is the one and only, she is Esther… the girl that loves him - the girl of his dreams.
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wrongwriter reviewed Version 1 -
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This is pretty fun and funny. A good twist, to be sure. My only criticism – and it’s pretty well written so I’m sticking to story and plot criticism, is that I wish you waited longer to tell us she was the woman of his dreams. You give too much away too soon. Build her up more (which you do after you tell us he’s in love with her) and then tell us what it is, what moment it is that seals his love for her. And also, maybe expand the entire story. It’s a good one, but kind of too simple and too short.
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msstma reviewed Version 1 -
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a very interesting study.
at first i wasn’t sure where u were going with the story. In the beginning, it seemed ho-hum. i thought you were just wanting to see if you write a scene. if so, yes, u succeeded.
when i realized that Esther was a prostitute it surprised me! u snuck up to it!
near the end i felt her love for him was all in HIS mind. Good work!
first sentence was confusing, i couldn’t tell if Esther was really there with him, or was he just remembering her?
‘poorly acted excitement’ can u rewrite that? how about ‘with a false excitement’
correct: ‘what she sees in him’
‘could now afford’
’all he’d need’
i liked the sentence ‘the milky cheese….it was her presence when he ate it.’ that was very good.
Sophie31485 reviewed Version 1 -
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Great descriptive language. I love this piece. Love the plot twist ; the description of him meeting Esther outside a Gentleman’s Club suggests she may be a stripper or something of the sort, but the way he describes her as ”...the image of pure beauty and endless youth” , demonstrates the pedastle he puts her on. WHen we do finally find out she is a call girl, it only deepens the narrator’s character ,because his loneliness, desperation, and enfatuation with Esther becomes apparant. Good luck with this on! Truly enjoyed it.
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