Thank you.
An “instead” girl is exactly as you said – a doll.
Flash Fiction / Substitute. (Analysis)
Chik, chik. Scissors flew over the head to the right and to the left. Like a crow flapping wings and eating away hair. Chik. Chik.
"Pete, did you hear what happened to James last week?"
"No." Chick, chick.
"He lost his ear when he was at hairdresser."
(Chick. !!) "What do you mean?" Pete looked on Kev's ears, even touched them to be sure they are safe. "Do you mean I hurt your ear?"
"Oh no, Pete. You are doing well. It's not like that at all. Didn't you know that James lost his ear in Iraq and they did him a prosthesis?"
Pete sat on the chair near Kev and looked at him. "What do you mean prosthesis? Like ear prosthesis? Do they do them now?"
"James, you are funny. Of course they do. They can do prosthesis substituting anything in your body."
Pete jumped on his feet and almost shouted, "I don't need any prosthesis in my body."
"Sure you need."
"No, I need not! I know better."
"But Pete, you've lost your left eye in that affray and from then you go with the black patch. Wouldn't you like to get a prosthesis instead that lost eye?"
"It's not lost. I know where it is. It's in 3 pigs tavern in the toilet."
"I mean, wouldn't you like to go out with girls? Now they are not too keen to be with you because of that black patch. They say you look like a pirate. And keeping a parrot here just makes the comparison much more close.?
"Girls, you say? Hmmm. Maybe I will just get a girls prosthesis?"
"Do you mean like a "instead" girl?"
"Ye. Would be easier for me to talk with her."
"Her?"
"Ye, Mariana."
"Mariana! O la la! You have good taste."
"Well…"
"I didn't know you have problems to talk with Mariana."
"Ye, you know how it is. I see her and my tongue gets jelly and stays in my mouth, though I try to push it out. Nothing helps."
"Then you could get a prosthesis instead of your eye and your tongue."
"What good will it be?"
"I saw last week somebody with such "replacement" tongue and he didn't stop to talk. He got drunk and fell on the floor asleep. But the mouth didn't close and he rambled all the night."
"I like it. But it won't help, because I don't know what to say to Mariana."
"Brain substitute could help you."
"I really think you have there something, you know. Wait here a moment. I'll phone her to arrange a go out."
~*~
"Thanks for the idea. I'll meet her today and everything will be well. I think… But nah, it's no good."
"What's now?"
"I am afraid that in that broil I lost my eye, I lost some of my masculinity. Not all, mind you, I have some , but it hardly could be called infantility, least masculinity. Mariana will laugh about it."
"You mean, you're afraid you won't be up to Mariana's expectations?"
"Yes. How could I?"
"Pete. I know what you shoud do."
"What, Kev. Please say."
"You have to substitute yourself totally."
"How?"
"By me!"
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oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Jack, Jack, you went from a prothesis ear to the replacement of the whole body. this has the earmarks surreal writing. There is an absurdity about it that tickles the funny bone. Perhaps it is those pictures that occompaines every piece.
Did Pete lose his ear at the hairdressers or in iraq. You need to make it clearer to the reader.
The piece works well as a surreal piece. There is an ongoing plot. The man feels insecure because of the eyepatch and then the subject, the prothesis ear is inserted into the coversation, which leads to the suggestion that the man replace several other body parts and finally the whole body. There is a few grammatical mistakes but more due to the difference in way language is used, but overall it makes the reader laugh. I liked it. Sandi
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SecularProphet reviewed Version 1 -
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The story was really quite funny and made me laugh. There were, however, a few grammatical errors here and there that stunted the flow of the story. For example “they did him a prosthesis”. I would say “they gave” or “they made”. I also didn’t quite understand what you meant with a “girls prosthesis”, or “an instead girl”. A blow up doll?
matteyxx reviewed Version 1 -
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This was funny! And your opening sentence was well-written because it made me keep reading! I wanted to know what “chick chick” meant. haha
good job!
Sarah_Sassy reviewed Version 1 -
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Ha! I loved this piece! Don’t change a thing… well, ok, the only suggestion I have is maybe changing, “eating away hair.” to “biting hair” or removing the word “away” to improve the way the sentence flows. I thought the dialogue was brilliant, and although there were plenty of errors in it, I think it made the conversation more realistic. Good work!
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