Thank you cooljim102055. I appreciate the feedback.
Lyrics / Hero
I center on error's they make fun of me,
slaughter my vision my soul.
I fight with a widsom that's natural to me,
I suffer but soon will be whole.
It's worth considering what my life mean's to me,
perhaps I should gather and go.
Dear sun!
Please guide the way for me,
alone in the sky yet you seem so complete.
Your a hero of mine!
You everything I wish I could be.
Out from the shade and into the light,
this time I won't easily burn.
Discovered a secret that's wisdom to me,
the sun doesn't slow down or turn.
Dear sun!
Please guide the way for me,
alone in the sky yet you seem so complete.
Your a hero of mine!
Your everything I wish I could be.
There's nothing here for me, I've got to move on until I feel complete.
Your a hero of mine!
And one day I'll make you feel weak.
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chantelisner reviewed Version 1 -
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It was really good but i think you might have a typo.
You everything I wish I could be.
should be
you’re everything i wish i could be.
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snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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Not a bad little piece. There are a few grammatical and punctuational errors, but as lyrics aren’t meant to be read, that’s not a big deal. The big thing I would recommend, at least as far as submitting this for other people to critique, is to reformat it a little. Having a space between every line makes this hard to follow, as it’s tough to see where the breaks between choruses, verses, and the other little bits are.
cooljim102055 reviewed Version 1 -
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hi there,
well i’ll tell you one thing..it’s orginal, and creative…the way you call it…mr.sun…maybe you should add that to your title..you talk highly of the “sun” and to you it seems perfect..(i think it is myself)...but the last line you say one day i’ll make you feel weak..which kinda threw me off…but in general..if orginallity is what their looking for..you got it…:)..keep writing..i hope i helped..jimmy
Electric reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s very well written. It gets the point across. I kind of wish you would break it up into verse-chorus-verse-chorus etc to make it slightly easier to read. I really like the ending: “I’ve got to move on until I feel complete… and one day I’ll make you feel weak.” That is a very good way to end the song/poem (whichever you may choose).
For me, I imagined this as a song along the lines of alternative rock, slightly like Chevelle (an alt-rock band from Chicago). It sounds like the type of thing they would write. I only have a complaint against some of the lyrics, mainly the first couple of lines, but they are not necessarily bad. They get the point across, but if you think of something different, I would use it without hesitation. Overall however, I believe that it’s well written and has the potential to be turning into a song. Good job.
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