Thank you for your words. I appreciate the humble criticism. I will take into consideration of what you have suggested.
I hope to come upon one of your writings. Take care.
Poetry / Orderly Insanity (Analysis)
Here are some words to bring up the heat,
express the inner most essence that lives underneath
all the words all the thoughts all the bullshit and snots.
Make my way to the core, fight off ignorance that's corrupted the floor of our major political and spiritual, a habitual offender of the human spirit.
A materialistic porn, possessions, obsessions, confessions, all apart of a disfunctional form of the psyche of the human condition.
What's a religion? It's your attention to stories, myth's themes, and lessons, it's your answer to the mystery of your questions.
Bless me father for I have sinned, I have beliefs and I play to win.
Don't we see that human creeds breed the violence that we percieve?
We plant the seed with our beliefs creating war and catostophe, hungry children, toxic planet, whore's and money, gun's and havoc.
Just a soldier who follows order's? Defend the thought and keep the order.
Orderly insanity a mental sickness can be relieved, symptoms vary from one to other and very common in modern centers.
Good and bad, right or wrong, this or that, just the facts!
Duality is no part of me, I dare not keep such conditioning, such suffering, such idiosyncrasy, a common need to fulfill a dream or a preordained destiny.
If we believe that we our good should we get what we deserve? When bad things happen should we agree, start a war, or count from three?
If we choose no to believe, not have a side, no disagree, then we are free to watch and see to learn to be most humanly.
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Dous reviewed Version 1 -
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whore’s and money, gun’s – should be whores and money, guns…
myth’s – might be myths’ or just myths
If we believe that we our good should – we are good
choose no to believe – not to
no disagree – not to
other than those few small things, i loved it, and a agree completely with what you’re trying to say :)
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TerJa reviewed Version 1 -
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First a couple of errors. Nest to last line I think you mean “are” not “our.” Last line (twice) I think you mean “not” not “no.”
As to content, quite insightful. might take exception to your branding all religion as myth and story, but it is well within your theme so I won’t.
I do like the phrase “Orderly insanity.”
=That being said, I’m not sure your ending can stand the weight of the case you make. Can anyone nit take a side? Are there no human values? If the answer to to that last question is “yes there are human values” then we must take a side. I hope that’s clear.
FINALWORD reviewed Version 1 -
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Quite a nice compilation of thoughts on your behalf, most of which I would agree with as well. It is undoubtedly true that we all need to realize and maintain our own individuality. The only part I didn’t like was in the last line. “If we choose no to believe, not have a side, no disagree, then we are free..” doesn’t seem right and ”..no disagree…” is a double negative. I think it would be better as, “If we choose not to believe, not to take side and to disagree, then we are free..”. Or something along those lines… Otherwise a nice write. Until next rhyme. JW
dragonbite reviewed Version 1 -
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You have about 30 great words phrasings in this poem. That being said they get lost inside of the mammoth lines you chose to use. If you could perhaps cut the lines in two and break the poem up into set stanzas it would allow your gift at verbage to come flying of the page. This is a good piece of work I took my time breaking it down and there is definatly a lot to it. The poem is good, the clarity is ok, but could be better by framing the piece so your meaning comes out quicker (shorter lines), and your talent is above average. I am saving this to my favorites and hoping you dont stop working on it. Excellent.
thedesroyinghill reviewed Version 1 -
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There are some definate meter issues. Also, check your sylable count. I liked how you show out all the inpurities of this society, in a differant manner.
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