hi, i actually wrote something completely different to start off with, but eventually it turned into what you read, which is just the first chapter, the basic idea is that up to a certain point, all information that you receive is given as part of a report by a Company employee, after analyzing the data recovered, and then to switch over to Jake himself, who is a kind of resistance leader on the planet Terminal, lol, it is still a little confusing, but i’ll work on it :)
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Terminal (Analysis)
Accessing the memories of subject Jacob Green, hereafter referred to as Jake, proved to be harder than anticipated, as a direct result of the advanced state of deterioration present in his cerebral cortex. We have, however, been able to recover most of the data leading up to the events under investigation with only minor losses. Please note that since the data capturing nodes were only implanted after the subject's hospitalization, we only have access to thoughts and memories accessed after that time.
Today is his last day on Earth, but nobody seems to care. Throughout the week he hadn't mentioned the fact to anybody, but he is sure they know. How could they not? He had talked about today a lot with most of them, and he can't imagine something as big as this just slipping any of their minds.
Lying on his bed in a private and guarded room in a secure wing of one of the finest hospitals owned and operated by The Company, he thinks back to that fateful day, remembering the instant that he had seen all his hopes and dreams turn to dust.
When he first got the test results back, he couldn't believe his eyes, but it was right there on his screen. There were hundreds of pages of medical data which meant nothing to him, the summation of which amounted to two pages. But in his untrained mind there was only one word that meant anything. That one little word that anybody inclined to living on earth fear the most: Terminal.
While he knows that it has been six months, the intervening time somehow felt both like days and decades. Of course his time in the Company hospital has been made as comfortable as possible, he is brought only the best food, he has all the privacy he can reasonably expect, and most important of all, he is allowed and frequently has visitors. But even the most comfortable hospital in the world still feels like a prison when you're not allowed to leave. His eyes stare at the wall unseeing as he remembers the rest of that fateful day.
He sent an urgent message to his private physician along with a copy of the report, hoping that there had been some mistake, that maybe, just maybe there was some little part of his immune system that could prevent this from happening. But the reply made it very clear to him that there was none. The Company doctors never make such elementary mistakes. With his slim hope crushed, he was devastated.
He stumbled out of his office in a daze, not bothering to reply or even acknowledge that he heard any of the surprised questions following him down the hallway. Somehow he made it out of the building, still ignoring what had become startled questions that dared not follow him outside. He found himself crossing the street and entering the bar, thinking that he would just have a drink or two to occupy his hands while his mind tried to take in the damning information. The drink or two turned into another drink or two and so on, until eventually he was forced to leave the bar on account of being late for work the following morning.
He walked into his office building reeking of alcohol, his clothes disheveled far beyond the acceptable limits detailed in the Company Handbook for New Employees, and firmly tendered his resignation, punctuating it by applying the full force of his fist to the chin of his supervisor. Pausing only for a cup of coffee he made his way out again. But it was to no avail, before he could even get to reception he felt his communicator vibrate, letting him know that a message had just come through. He decided to ignore it until he could get home to a shower and some sleep.
Back at his home, a day or two of recovering from the mother of all hangovers later, he read the message. It was, as he had thought, only a reminder of what every man woman and child on earth already knew. The words flashing in friendly green letters told him that The Company did not in fact hire employees, but drafted anybody of their choosing for twenty years of compulsory service. All sanctioned by the Global Charter of 2140, as kind repayment for their services during the second world civil war. “More like the world government weaseling out of footing the gigantic bill they couldn’t afford to pay.” He thought bitterly. And since he had only been in the employ of The Company for six months, they regretted to inform him that his request for resignation was declined. It also informed him that given his special circumstances, he would be granted four months leave in order to sort things out before he would need to report to the hospital, all on Company expense of course.
So he took some time and made up a list of things he had always wanted to do, but for various reasons had never gotten around to. He knew exactly how much time he had left, at least science has advanced that much, and had spent a flurry of days and weeks pursuing every item on that list.
Money was no longer an object, besides; even if it was his own money he was pretty sure that he wouldn't need it where he was going. By the time four months had passed, he had made a neat little tick next to each item on his list excepting one. These included, but were not limited to:
1. Finally have sex with that brunette in accounting.
2. Spend a week on a beach on an island without a single Company billboard in sight.
3. Jump out of a plane without a gravitational polarizer, using a parachute instead.
4. Purchase and read an antique book, one made from actual paper.
5. Learn to cook real food, without resorting to replicators for convenience.
6. Figure out just what the hell Bob Dylan was singing about*
By the time all but one of the items on his list had received a neat little tick, he realized that he only had two months left. He had to report to the hospital where he would be taken care of for the remainder of his time on Earth.
He thinks to himself “I guess Bob Dylan will have to be deciphered some other time” Just then he hears somebody enter his room, and looks up hopefully, expecting to see a friendly face, here to see him off. Seeing that it is only a Company doctor, no doubt only here to check on all the various tubes feeding numerous drugs into his system, the half formed smile leaves his lips. The drugs are administered to make things easier on him. At first he had resisted, and had refused them, but after one particularly descriptive Company doctor had made him aware of exactly what it would be like without them he saw reason. He tries to imagine how badly it must have hurt in the days before they were perfected, but fails. Still dumbfounded that nobody has come he turns back inwards, finding solace in his memories, and drifts off to sleep.
Upon opening his eyes, he sees that he is surrounded, every person he thinks of as either friend or relative is here, and each one has a look of concern. It is his last day on Earth, of course they care. He finds out that the Company has kept them all busy for most of the day with informational seminars and counseling sessions. He spends two hours laughing and talking amidst the general hubbub, and then a few minutes in private with each, to say good bye.
A Company doctor who was waiting discretely just outside the door comes in after the last of the visitors leaves, administers a sedative, and disconnects all the machines and tubes. Jake's eyes close for the last time on Earth.
Records show that the subject was then taken to the private Company spaceport housed in a different part of the facility, successfully put into cryogenic compartment number 5B on the transport vessel Unity. The drugs had prepared him perfectly for the process, even if they did make him feel ill for months prior to his trip. The Unity made good time, automated guidance systems steering it at the speed of light, and arrived at the correct destination one hundred and thirty two years later. The subject was then revived successfully along with ninety seven percent of the other people sent to colonize the newly terraformed planet Terminal.
* Note: we were puzzled at item number six on the list, and upon investigation it was found that Bob Dylan was an artist who composed and performed classical music back in the twentieth century. How the subject came upon such unusual musical tastes remain unclear.
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Weaver reviewed Version 4 -
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LadyKat reviewed Version 4 -
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I think you are on your way to good piece here. Here are my observations. Wherever you put ‘The Company’ in your writing keep it consistent. Let us know when you are flashing back to the time before he was in the hospital. The sentence “With his slim hope crushed, we was devastated”-could be written as, ‘With this news his slim bit of hope was crushed. (this would tell us he was crushed without saying the word)Where you wrote ‘clothes disheveled far beyond acceptable limits detailed in The Company handbook for New Employees’-could read ‘clothes disheveled beyond acceptable limits for thsoe new to The Company’.
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slbynum3 reviewed Version 4 -
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There are some interesting parts to this story, but I was a little confused. In the beginnning it mentions ‘we’, like you’re in the POV of a group of scientists or something who are analyzing Jake. You also refer to this POV at the end. But in the middle of the story, its like Jake is the main character. Or is all that what the analyzers see inside Jake’s brain? I think it would make more sense if you just stayed with Jake’s POV. You should ‘show’ more about what he goes through, don’t just ‘tell’ it.
“punctuating it by applying the full force of his fist to the chin of his supervisor” – I laughed out loud at this part. This is something a lot of people visualize doing.
It was somewhat entertaining, but I think it needs to be a little clearer.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 4 -
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I hate when I like stories, because it makes it harder for me to point out the faults, but for this didnt have much. I didn’t quiet get the list at first. It seems like he decided to make it on his own, but at the end it seems like it was company policy.
Besides that your last day on Earth kept me thinking…first I thought you were going to send him into a future Earth, but that was basically still Earth. So creating the terminal was pretty cool thing to do. I like the ending because we dont know if we’ll follow him as a character or somebody new…The part with him and his family was a nice touch also.
oknapp reviewed Version 4 -
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Hey if he finds out about Bob Dylan could you pass it on? I, too, wonder what he yodels about.
I beg to differ about Bob Dylan. He was a ‘folk singer’ who yodeled out such meaningful phrases as ”How does it feeeel How does it feeeeel. To be a complete unknooon. Like a rolling stooooone.” I am singing. I hope you like humor in your reviews.
Very nice piece. Why did you quit? He wasn’t dead. What a good idea to write about a man’s last day on earth. I wondered about “The company” could you expound on a little bit what they do. This would flush out the story. Still interesting and intelligent. Sandi
pigpen reviewed Version 4 -
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The story has promise, but I think the pacing, for one, feels very disjointed, choppy. For example, he’s dumbfounded that all these people haven’t come to see him just before he’s admitted to the hospital….what people? There’s been no discussion about his relationships to this point, and then we’re at “Upon opening his eyes….” I think a discussion about who should have been visiting, and why, would have made a difference.
SwordMistress reviewed Version 4 -
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This was interesting. I liked the premise and the ending. Overall there’s a lot of questions the go answered that would help strengthen this piece. See examples below.
“than anticipated, as a direct” delete ‘as a,’ it will reader better.
“we only have access to thoughts and memories accessed after that time.” This isn’t clear. Do you mean that they only have access to the thought and memories that Jake thinks about after the put the nodes in?
“he is sure they know.” Was sure they knew.
“he felt his communicator vibrate,” This makes it sound like this is happening in a future society. If that’s true then the reader needs a few more clues as soon as possible (page one) to tell us when this takes place. Also you state that his leaving the building was to no avail because he received the message. But, that’s not true because he chose not to answer the message. So it really didn’t matter at this point.
“He thought bitterly.” Thoughts don’t belong in quotations.
“science has advanced” had
“Bob Dylan was singing about” Bob Dylan had wide range of subjects in numerous songs. List a specific song here or pick a phrase from one of his songs and ask what that means.
I think the reader needs to know upfront what Jake is dying of. What are the symptoms? Has he suffered at all? I found myself wondering if it was an illness caused by working for The Company. Also who is telling this story? At the beginning it sounds like someone’s report from The Company. Then we switch to Jake’s experiences after he finds out he’s terminal. It’s unclear whether we are in Jake’s point of view or if The Company is accessing his memories. It would also help to know more about The Company. What they do, what was Jake’s job, what kind of job did he have.
“made him aware of exactly what it would be like” what would it be like? Did they drug him before he had any symptoms? It’s hard for the reader to feel badly for Jake without knowing what’s going to happen to him. You also haven’t really shown us the impact all this has had on Jake. Jake doesn’t seem to care much that he’s dying. If he doesn’t care, why should the reader?
“Upon opening his eyes, … say good bye.” You need to show us some of this. Most of the story is all telling and it keeps the reader removed from the story.
Why wouldn’t The Company ask for volunteers to colonize the new planet or draft people like they do for jobs? Why is it necessary to trick them?
I still think the reader needs to know who is telling the story, other than obviously someone from The Company. Also it’d be helpful to know some of the other characters that Jake interacts with and what the world looks like. There are very few visuals in the entire story. It’s really hard to get into a story when the reader can’t picture much.
Jedikid129 reviewed Version 2 -
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“The Company did not in fact hire employees…” comma before ‘in’ and after ‘fact’.
”...expecting to see one a friendly face” Take out ‘one’.
“When next he opened his eyes..” Seems like the word order is off in this sentence.
This piece made me go back and read it twice, and now I see trick. Very clever writing. I thought that the part about 20 year compulsory service was just an interesting tidbit. But once the piece was finished, I realized that I’d been tricked into thinking that your character was sick.
“That one little word that anybody inclined to living on earth fear the most: Terminal.” At first wondered why you used the phrase “on earth” so much.
Also, the mention of medical data was a nice feint. Excellent.
squarehopper reviewed Version 2 -
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You pose us with a plot point right off the bat – actually two: Company being at fault and brain rotting – but you don’t address either in your story. A writer had to fulfill his promises to readers otherwise they lose faith in him and his story.
This story should be told in present tense and should start where
Jake receives his notice. It should also be told in first person. The voice choosen doesn’t work. It is boring and dull. It is also confusing. You go from the company, to hospital to 6 months prior to company again with no transitions. The past tense losses immediacy as well.
The ending has significance – why? Bob Dylan – we have to make a connection – yet you didn’t give us enough clues to do so.
When you do decide to redo this in 1st person POV and in present tense, you will be able to explore and expand on many finer points this story lacked. Like making the dylan connections easier for your readers, making the ironic twist at the end more profound by doing more misdirecting and foreshadowing.
NiSp reviewed Version 2 -
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In contrast to v1, this one is structured better and the story is now more immediate. As you know, I like the story. So many short stories are either too trite or long-winded. You give the reader a lovely glimpse of an ordinary person in the future and both versions of ‘Terminal’ left me smiling.
Now, as painful as it can be, you need to cut. This is standard fare for any writer and you may find yourself re-writing another story ten times, so don’t be afraid to hammer where needs be – although this one looks close enough to being ‘ready’ and may only need one or two more sweeps.
Always remember that no matter who reviews your work, you will always be The Author and only you can decide whether to make the suggested changes or not. Consider this as a bunch of suits bringing the CEO suggested solutions :)
Some criminals to watch out for are repeated words, superfluous phrases, “had” and infodump. I’ll give you a few examples from the piece then you can take it from there…
“…we only have access to his thoughts and memories accessed after that time.” Try saying ‘…we can only read…’ or ‘…thoughts experienced after…’.
“…it seemed to him as if nobody cared.” Try: “…it seemed that nobody cared.”
“He had talked about this looming day quite a lot with most of them. He could not imagine something as big as this just slipping all of their minds.” Possibly try “He’d talked about this day constantly and he couldn’t imagine how they could simply forget.” Or something along those lines – note that “had” is still there, just tucked away, but always try avoid using it and its friend ‘-ing’!
“…the intervening time had felt to him both like days, and at the same time, (especially during his stay in hospital) like decades.” Too wordy. And who else would it have felt like to? Drop the ‘to him’ from ‘felt’ immediately ;) Try this: “… the intervening time felt both too long and too short.” Sometimes simpler is better. Make sure that every sentence serves the story and the current story only. This is especially critical in a short…
For instance this part: “He knew exactly how much time he had left, (at least science has advanced that much since the twenty first century, which is generally regarded as the second dark ages).” Try avoid brackets altogether. And the regard people had for the 21st century has no – or little – bearing on the story. We can assume the future will regard our present day as backward to a certain extent so this is dumping information the reader doesn’t really need.
I’ll leave the hammer and chisel in your hands now! And a last tip, if you don’t already know it: when you’re done with a piece, it always helps to read it out aloud a few times. You’ll pick up much just by listening to whether it sounds natural or not.
A final note: I think you’re doing a great job! And it takes a lot of guts to leap into writing seriously. You have a fabulous talent and I’m excited to see where you go with it!
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